Personal Log
Dr. Carson Beckett, MD
118 days after my re-awakening

I'd woken well-rested and in fairly good spirits that Friday morning after I'd had dinner with Edward, and something in me had yearned for a wee bit of adventure. Of course, it could've had something to do with all the sports equipment and fishing gear that had been lying about haphazardly in the dining room. Mum said that she'd been cleaning out the garage, and when I saw my old fishing pole and tackle box, I had the urge to find somewhere to use it again. Although I secretly wondered if that might have been her plan all along, I informed her that I was going to take some time to drive up the coast and enjoy the decent weather, and that I would be back in a week.

She smiled, and I couldn't help but notice the happy twinkle in her eyes. 'Have a good time, son.'

I returned her smile, and I wondered how she seemed know me better than I know myself. After I packed up my gear in the car, I was quickly off to Croughton to obtain my weekly batch of serum. From there, I headed north up the coast through the highlands and Glencoe to a small fishing village by Fort William to pick up some more gear and supplies, enough to last me a while. I fished all day, and in the evening I went into the village and stopped by a cozy little pub for a few drinks and enjoyed the company of a few strangers there.

It felt good to be free and clear of any obligations for a while, and to be out in the wilderness fishing and enjoying some peace and quiet. There were no obligations, no responsibilities except to myself, no distractions, and no deadlines. I wasn't sure I could remember the last time I felt so happy… until my thoughts turned to Atlantis. I'd gotten another letter from Rodney, and he'd gone on to mention that he'd met some alternate versions of his team. It made me wonder if perhaps a version of me was still on Atlantis in any of those other realities he'd seen.

At first I was reluctant to admit it, but I'm starting to miss Atlantis. I'd come to think of the people there like my family too. Not that I'm not enjoying spending so much time with my real family, of course, but now I'm starting to feel like I'm missing out on the excitement that Rodney was trying to share with me in his letters. It was why I'd agreed to go to Atlantis after discovering the Ancient gene, after all. Since I'd gotten all of my pain and grief out in the open the other day, I've never been closer to Mum, and now I find myself feeling like I'm back at the very beginning and trying to decide if the Pegasus Galaxy was just too far away from my family and all the people I love here. I spent several days fishing and thinking, trying to decide what about me had changed or stayed the same.

The sun was getting quite low in the sky, almost ready to disappear behind the mountains behind me, so I set down my fishing rod and prepared to cook dinner while my memories turned from Atlantis back to Michael. Hadn't I come back to Earth to try to forget about all the terrible things he'd done? Or was it really Michael that I wanted to forget? No, I didn't want to forget. What I really wanted was to see him brought to justice for the crimes he committed. So why was I really here then, on Earth with my family?

And then it occurred to me that this is why I was here. I'm taking a break, using the time for rest, introspection, and thinking things through, and I've started both the physical and mental healing processes that will inexorably leave me with one last decision to make – what do I want to do when I'm fully recovered? Have I changed too much to go back to the life I had in Atlantis? Do I even want that life anymore?

I looked down at Rodney's letter. Yes, I do want it back. Working for the betterment of mankind and expanding the boundaries of human knowledge has always been my life's purpose, and I wanted to feel the passion and excitement and eagerness to learn from the unknown flowing through my veins again. Having lifted some of the burden of guilt I'd endured before, I realized that I wanted it back now more than ever. When Michael disseminated the Hoffan serum onto all those worlds, despite all my efforts to refine it, he caused a lot of pain and suffering, and those people now need my help. I can't in good conscience abandon them to the terrible fate Michael would choose for them, now can I?

But right now, I'm going to enjoy my dinner. And in a few days I'll go home, give Mum a kiss, and have dinner with my family. I might even stay on Earth for a wee bit longer to see more of my extended family living abroad. After that, though… I think I'll go home, to Atlantis.

End