One of the hardest things I've ever done was smile at Sabrina Grimm.
She was it, everything I hated about humans, concentrated, rolled up into one person. She was oh-so-ignorant of it, too. She complained about how small Ferryport Landing was; she didn't realize it was the entire world to me. I'd never known anything else. She and all the other humans, walking around and smiling and all but rubbing it in our faces.
Going to school was like swimming in a vat of lemon juice after obtaining a million paper cuts. Every time she mentioned New York City, a place I'd only known from books and pictures, it was like I'd gotten yet another cut. And every time time I learned there was another Grimm, I could feel a whole new batch of lemon juice poured on top of me.
Sabrina Grimm was the biggest lemon of them all. She stalked around, growling about her stupid trivial problems. How could I smile at someone like that?
And yet I did. I smiled and laughed and fixed her stupid hair. Because what else could I have done? "To get out of this town, you need to trick them," Daddy said. "Smile at them. Be their friend." So I did.
And it ended with him dying.
I never hated Sabrina Grimm more than right then. She thought she was doing us a good turn, finding our "real" parents. But they didn't love me. They sold me; they didn't pat me on the head, telling me what a good actress I was. Daddy did. At home the afternoon of the day Sabrina Grimm came to school, he laughed with me about how gullible she was. "That's Daddy's little girl, " he said. "You'll be an actress someday, mark my words. You'll travel all over the world and see all sorts of fantastic places we'd only hear about otherwise. You'll be famous, Bella. I'm proud of you." He was proud of me because he didn't know how much effort it took. He had no idea how hard it was to smile, how hard it was for me to be Sabrina Grimm's "friend."
It was easier for him, I think. He didn't have a problem acting friendly toward her. After all, it was her anger that provided him with sustenance, more than anything the three of us could have felt. No, he didn't have a problem, so he assumed I didn't, either. He wouldn't have been able to understand the amount of willpower it took for me to keep the corners of my mouth up when I wanted to pull them back in a snarl, to walk with a skip when I wanted to stalk along, to keep a happy lilt in my voice when I just wanted to yell and scream.
But Daddy believed in me, so I kept right on smiling. It would be worth all the smiles, I told myself, when I was a world-famous actress and she was still slaving away in some lowly human job. What could she do, anyway? What was she good at? Absolutely nothing. She was more use to the world dead.
Dead. The word scared me. I wasn't tough like Natalie or happily careless like Toby. I wanted the Grimms dead, of course. How could I not? But I didn't want to kill them. I didn't think I'd be capable of that. But I didn't tell Daddy—I couldn't disappoint him like that. So, once again, I pretended. "Daddy's little actress" pretended she didn't have a problem, when she did.
I spent a lot of time thinking about that. Death scared me, even though I knew I myself would never die. No, what scared me was the idea that I would see so many other people enter and leave the world, enter and leave, enter and leave. But I wouldn't. I'd entered the world; I would never leave. Why, I wouldn't even leave Ferryport Landing.
That was the thought that finally made me resolute. Eventually, someday, each and every one of the Grimms would die. It would be so much better if they all just died at once! I would be able to get out of this place! I could learn real acting, become a movie star, become the most famous person in the world! And I would never, ever have to give it up!
In general, I loved acting. There was just something attractive about being able to thrust myself into another life, the life of someone who wasn't trapped. I starred in so many school plays, I lost count. And it was easy for me—for the most part.
Smiling, though, wasn't easy. It's practice, I tole myself. You can do this. So I did.
There was one time when I gave her a real smile, though. It was when she faced me with nothing but a shovel, deep underground. When I stepped out of the shadows, I didn't have to act. I smiled at her; I laughed at her. Because for once, she was right where I wanted her. Weak, powerless, helpless—and still wearing that ever-present scowl.
I met that scowl with a beaming face. Scowl all you want, Grimm. I'm still smiling.
NOTE: I want to ask everybody one teensy-weensy favor! I want to know which "Sheepshank Kid" is everyone's favorite. I have a poll for this, and I'd like you all to vote in it. (So far, I have only three votes in it, so it's a perfect tie.) Go to my forum called The Scarlet Hand, click on the topic "The Sheepshank Kids," and vote. Please, it'll only take about two seconds of you life!