AN: The next segment of this story, who'd have thought… somehow it's hard to leave my one shots as one shots… go figure. Any way I'd like to thank ForksintheRoad for pointing out a few horrible spelling errors last chapter. I went back through and it's not much better but it's at least some.

So I guess another issue that my 'no resolution with Jasper issue' stemmed from, was that no one talked about their time away because Bella didn't want to. The dream she had last chapter and the resulting talk, let her let down some of those initial barriers. Thus this is still and forever will be a slightly AU fic from here on out… but it still sticks as though the events of Eclipse are still yet to happen.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga… Stephenie Meyer's does.

Forgiveness for the Damned

The Guilt of a Mate - Edward

~ Part One ~

Then and Now

I awoke Saturday morning to the sound of the door downstairs closing, lying in a very different set of arms than the one's I went to sleep to. I leaned back into him glad to feel his chest against my back.

"Hey Charlie!"

"ARGH! Alice?" I chuckled as did Edward. I couldn't hear anything after that.

"Your father just got home and Alice is merely reminding him that she promised to do a sleep over in his absence. She is also making him eat… a cold piece of pizza was his choice, and telling him that you are still sleeping, so that he doesn't check in on you before he falls into a near dead sleep." I hummed in acknowledgement.

"And why would she need to divert him from checking in on me?" I asked.

"So that I don't have to let you go. Being away from you is far too stressful, Emmett attacked me because he was so fed up with me… that was actually kind of fun, but still not good enough to be away from you." I smiled as I chided him,

"You should spend more time with you're brothers. I'm sure Alice can pull another stunt like this."

"Yeah, she can't make anyone go into labor." I snorted, and then I had a hand over my mouth to silence my retort. Then I heard footsteps and understood why. I heard the door downstairs close and then my father's door closed.

"Alice left." He whispered in my ear sending an unrepressed shiver through my body. I'm sure he was grinning. We were silent. As we waited for Charlie to fall asleep, Edward brushed my his hand through my hair making me hum softly in enjoyment. He uncovered my mouth as my father began to snore surprisingly quickly after his door closed. I asked my question.

"What did she leave in if Jasper was 'sent home' in what they came in?"

"She brought my Volvo and Jasper brought her Porsche."

"Ah." Silence and my fathers snoring was all that surrounded us as we laid on my bed, just enjoying the other's presence. He kissed the top of my head, and started laughing.

"What?"

"You're hair smells like Alice." I chuckled and turned around to face him. As I did so I realized my hair wasn't in braids anymore. I grabbed it, staring in confusion. "She took pictures don't worry. She said after fifteen minutes you'd try and take them out, so she did it for you, so it was done without hurting your hair, as she claims you do." I scoffed at that, but it was quickly replaced by a smile and I snuggled closer to him. I wondered how much he knew about last night. Alice and Jasper promised to keep him in line… but what exactly did that encompass?

"It was nice spending time with Alice… and I'm glad Jasper came too." I didn't say much more than that. Not knowing what he knew. I just knew that I was glad that Jasper and I had finally cleared the air so to speak.

"Hmm, Jasper was worried for more than one reason, but he's glad as well." I tensed.

"How much did they tell you?" He was silent for a moment.

"From the screaming to you falling asleep with Jaspers help, and Alice where I should have been." He said the last part with distaste. Regardless, I'm glad that it was Alice… If Edward had been there, last night would have never happened. I sighed, at least he was calm. The only thing I was really worried about at this point was that he'd be mad at Jasper for ratting him out.

"Are you mad at him?" He sighed heavily, "Don't lie." He was silent.

"Annoyed, and grateful, but not mad… no." I looked up at him to see his calm expression.

"Annoyed and grateful?"

"As much as I can read Jasper, he can read me. Knowing what we know is always a burden... People hide thoughts, and feelings, but we know them anyway. In our family we keep those things to ourselves. To a point it's annoying that he broke the privacy barrier and could give you a replica of what I feel, but I'm also grateful because, now you understand somewhat, I think." I nodded my head. "But you still have no idea how much I love you… how much we all love you." I smiled again.

"Maybe not."

"Definitely not."

"Maybe."

"Will it never end?"

"Only when my heart stops beating." I internally cringed at my comment, why did I have to ruin it. He pulled me tighter to him. I could feel his lips smile in my hair again.

"Have you thought any more about my condition then?" Damn, did he have to sound so hopeful. I groaned.

"No, not specifically."

"What then if not about our marriage?" I couldn't keep the cringe off of my face at the phrasing.

"I need to talk to Carlisle." He stiffened, I realized he would take that the wrong way, not that there was a right way, I quickly explained. "Not about that. I don't want him to feel guilty, and if the only reason he offered to change me was out of guilt… well I don't want guilt to be the reason for changing me." He immediately relaxed and laughed, rolling onto his back pulling me, wrapped in my comforter on top of him.

"Guilt is not the reason he offered, I assure you. Though, Alice did mention that you wanted some one on one time with him anyway." I nodded.

"Well, to be honest… I would like one on one time, and even just some group time, with everyone. They needn't feel guilty and they need to know that. That and… I miss them. I'll find time, even if it means I loose a week's worth of sleep!" I wasn't sure if I was including Rosalie in there at the moment… I'd like to talk to her, but I don't think she had any intentions of talking with me.

"First, you're not loosing sleep over this. Second, you are the most selfless person on the planet." I smirked at the inaccurate remark.

"So you say, but have you met every single person on the planet?" I turned around in his arms so that I could look at him. He was giving me an indulgent smile.

"Let me rephrase." I raised an eye brow, nodding for him to continue. "You are the most selfless person in my world… in my life." The echoes of a not so distant past that seemed to have occurred ages ago overtook my mind.

"I love you," I whispered.

"You are my life now," he answered simply.

I couldn't help the smile that slipped unnoticed across my face. It was hardly unnoticed by him, however.

"What are you thinking?" I looked up at him.

"Just thinking about the morning after you first stayed with me… well, the first time I knew you stayed with me." He continued combed his fingers through my hair. He didn't comment.

Regardless of being grounded, If I wasn't going to loose sleep, I'd still have to find a way to talk to everyone at some point… then again Edward did say Charlie was in a dead sleep.

I felt like a character in one of the newspaper cartoons who comes up with a brilliant idea, and had an exclamation point above my head. It was accompanied by a buzzing phone in Edwards jacket on my desk chair. I moved to get it, but he refused to let me go.

"It's Alice." He sighed letting me up. The look on his face one of resignation… he didn't want to let go, he wanted more time alone. I found the phone, checked the ID just to make sure, then opened it.

"And?"

"Charlie won't be waking up until just after five." I looked at the clock, it was almost eight in the morning. I wanted to go to the meadow, for more time alone with Edward, then we'd go over to their house later. "I'll see you at some point in time, later."

"Okay, oh and wear the one on the far right." I heard the smile in her voice on the other end. The call ended and I turned back to Edward. He looked slightly confused. My words had given away that we were going over, but not immediately.

"I want to go to our Meadow first." He gave me that crooked smile I loved most. Breathing became irrelevant. His eye's sparkled with amusement.

"Breathe." I inhaled and smiled at him.

"I need a Human moment." He nodded. I looked in my closet at the 'Alice designed outfits'. God knows she'd kill me if I didn't wear one, but she might hurt me if I got it dirty. Then I remembered… the one on the far right. I grabbed it, looked at it, and sighed in defeat. I went through my normal morning routine taking a shower to de-Alice my hair, and put the designer jeans on with the black tank top and dark blue button up shirt. Then I thought about what Edward was wearing, then I laughed. I went back to my room smiling at him.

"We match."

"We match." He laughed again.

I laughed with him , hiding a secret twinge of regret - why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?

This was almost like round two of date two, not that one would consider Port Angeles to be date one, but all things considered... He got up from my bed.

"Climb on little coward."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

I smiled at him. He climbed out my window shutting it behind him as we fell, though I felt none of the force when we landed. He took off running through the woods. After motorcycles, the speed and the wind didn't scare me at all. I even giggled I think. I don't think we'd had the time to do this since he'd been back… Running, just for the fun of it, though we still had a destination.

He stopped suddenly swinging me from his back sitting down cross legged and holding me in his lap. I laughed at the suddenness of his movements as well as his apparent eager attitude to spend time with me away from my father.

"Eager to get away were we?"

"Of course, weren't you?"

"Yes." I smiled. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying the breeze. It wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold. You could feel spring, the early flowers, the budding trees, the moisture in the air, Edward. My smile grew.

"Beautiful." I was about to agree with him when his lips came crashing down on mine. My lips molded to his, I think I moaned. I let myself get lost in him as I pulled at his hair. He moved his lips across my jaw down my neck, I leaned my head to the side to allow him more access. He always knew when I needed to breath before I did. He probably took notice to avoid me passing out on him like the second time he tried kissing me.

"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily.

I missed this last night. I realized we hadn't kissed since he left the previous morning. I guess I had been too focused on the family earlier… my family?

No thinking about anyone, while being kissed by Edward. I giggled at both the thought and his lips tickling the small amount of collar bone my shirt left uncovered. I felt his smile against my skin. When I had almost caught my breath he made his way back up my neck to the hollow behind my ear which effectively escalated my breath and heart rate. I tried desperately to hold in the embarrassing sounds that I made when his lips were there. I failed.

"Beautiful." He whispered making me shiver, making him smile. And his lips were back on mine. God I loved him. I tried not to be aggressive, I tried to just let myself enjoy him kissing me, to enjoy it for as long as he could handle it… but as always I failed. I always needed him, always wanted him, always taking what I could, always pushing for more, because I was human. That was my excuse.

My tongue came out to taste his lips, so sweet they were to my human taste buds. Then came the growl, then gently being pushed away, then his pleading dark eyes, and my regretful ones. Regret was always better to show than rejection. I didn't want him to know that, he already knew that though. Thus his eye's pleaded with me to understand and mine regretted my humanity. I sighed leaning up and kissed his forehead. He smiled softly and I returned it. I closed my eyes and snuggled into my marble Adonis just enjoying the moment, the silence, the coming warmth, and the smell of spring mixed with the smell of Edward.

Our own slice of heaven on earth.

A slice that meant nothing to me without him…

It was the same place… but it didn't hold what I'd been searching for.

There was nothing special about this place without him.

I focused on the memories of the first time we were here, not the last time I was here. The last time was a time of pain…meaningless pain. The first time… it was uncomfortable at first, but then the barriers between our worlds began to fall, and when he made his decision… his decision to for lack of better words, to not eat me, he had stayed with me all night. And then he had gone back to his family at some point in the early morning… now that I thought about it, I understood what Jasper was saying to a point, that Edward had been different.

I could almost hear his eyes rolling. I'd never seen him in such high spirits before.

I'm sure I didn't understand it to the full extent, I hadn't known him before he met me. But even compared to after I'd met him, before coming to our meadow… the difference was palpable.

I moved in his lap, slightly uncomfortable and he moved me to the side and he laid down on his back with his knees up. I laid on my side and wrapped my arm around his chest, resting my head on his shoulder as his arm wrapped around me. I closed my eyes and my thoughts drifted back to Jasper and Alice.

He had shown me how the others felt. What had made him do that, had I been in that much pain? Was it because of my nightmare? Was it because of Alice? Was it just something he needed to get off of his chest? Was it just something I needed to know? Had my pain cause him pain? Had my nightmare caused Alice pain?… It had been about her abandoning me after all. I know she wouldn't do that now… but she had… back then.

"What are you thinking?" I frowned at my all of my questions and answered him, summarizing.

"Why did Jasper show me everyone's feelings? Was it my nightmare, or was it just something that needed to be said? Did my nightmare hurt Alice, did it hurt Jasper?" He closed his eyes and exhaled. I wasn't normally that blunt about what I was thinking, but I wanted to know.

"Alice, it didn't hurt her. She was glad you told her… them. But at the same time, she felt horrible, knowing that not saying goodbye to you was almost the equivalent."

"That's not…" He opened his eyes to look at me, silencing me in the process.

"I know, and at heart, so does she. But that's how she feels, that's what prompted Jasper to show you her feelings. But it wasn't just her, it's everyone else as well." I looked up at him in confusion. "He doesn't regret telling what the others feel, he was hoping I wouldn't kill him for it," He chuckled at that. "Even though he feels guilty about breaking confidence to a certain extent, it's something that has been causing him… discomfort. Everyone is still in pain for leaving you. Everyone." I let that sink in for a bit.

"Okay." I wasn't looking at him

"Like he said, you do have strong emotions for a human, your dream wasn't too bad, he's felt worse, but your pain caused him pain, yes. Knowing that pain… knowing everyone's pain led him to let you feel how everyone felt, because they can not find it within themselves to forgive themselves." I looked up at him as he looked to the clouds, knowing that he was a part of "them".

"Does anyone else know what happened?"

"No, if any one finds out, it will be from you. Jasper wanted to come clean with everyone about it, but Alice told him everyone would understand in the end of things, and to leave it to you."

"Oh, and what did she see that would bring her to say that?" I raised an eye brow.

"Alice didn't see last night, but now the future is actually a lot clearer for her. She's blocked me quite well on that matter. The most I've gotten out of her is what she told Jasper and I. She said last night set off a chain reaction of some sort, to which I have not been made privy too." I could hear the annoyance, and a need for a distraction.

"A chain reaction you say? Last I checked we weren't in a chemistry or a demolition class." He laughed, relieved by the poor attempt at changing the subject.

"Not that kind of chain reaction."

"What kind then?" I asked.

"I don't know." We were both quiet for a while after that. I really didn't think about much, I was just enjoying my temporary freedom from the confines of my house… and my time alone with Edward. I looked up to his face, and his eye's were distant and his eye brows furrowed. He was thinking, I knew that. But what was it that he was working over. Should I ask, should I not…

"Bella?" Perhaps those questions were moot.

"Hmm?"

"You… you told her your nightmare last night." I winced at that. "I know… Charlie, when I'm around, he thinks about the difference between you now, and after I left, and after you started hanging out with Jacob." Wince number two, Jacob hadn't come up in conversation since his betrayal. " When you started staying in LaPush a lot, you stopped screaming. You don't scream now, but you still have nightmares… is it the same one you used to have, just without the screaming?"

"No." I really did not want to get into this now.

"What is it? What troubles you? What can I do? I'll do anything." His voice cracked on the last word. My head shot up to his face from staring at my hand on his shirt. I could see it in his eyes… there was no qualifications for anything. Had he truly sunk so low? Should I have interrupted his thoughts, how had he gone from chain reactions to nightmares.

"Edward, it's nothing too bad. When there isn't screaming, normally it's," I paused, I didn't want him in more pain, but would the truth bring relief as well? "Well normally it's just Victoria, with the occasional vampire vs. werewolf. Why what do I say?" I had avoided any names, generally it was Edward and Jacob. Just like that first dream I'd had after figuring out what Edward was, and just before I figured out what Jacob was. The Vampire and the Werewolf, only the wolf was now russet in color and Edward didn't have fangs. If it had been under different circumstances that thought might have elicited an actual laugh.

"You don't. When you're having a nightmare, you toss and turn, but you say nothing. You still talk when it's just a normal dream, but… I lay there wondering if I should wake you up, if I…" He stopped and just looked at me. More than once I'd woken up in the middle of the night in the past few weeks to a worried Edward.

"Wake me if you want, they're just dreams, they aren't terrifying anymore." He shifted so that he too, was on his side, facing me. He leaned on one arm and he lifted his other hand to my cheek, brushing his thumb along my cheek bone.

"I wish I could take it back." I had wished that too, but it got us no where.

"You can't." His eye's pierced through mine.

"I know." His eye's were sad and full of regret. I wondered if that would ever go away.

"Time, I suppose, will be the only way to convince you."

Perhaps time is what he needed as well. He was looking up to the clouds again and his next growl was loud and unexpected and full of frustration.

"I should have been here… I should have been here!" My hand lifted from his chest and I raised it to his cheek.

"Edward?" Black eye's full of self hate looked at me, beyond me. He sat up and pulled me to him, once again cradling me. Holding me just a little too tight. He didn't look down at me, he was looking across the meadow into the trees.

"Laurent wouldn't have been a problem, he would have never been here. You wouldn't have been here. Why? Why did you have to be here at the same time. Why did the Dog have to be the one to save you? Why did it have to be here? Why did he have to ruin our meadow, our place of peace?"

I glossed over beginning, skipping the motorcycles and the voices, but telling her everything else right up to today's misadventure.

I could imagine what he was hearing in Alice's thoughts now. Near-drowning, stalking vampires, werewolf friends…

I had told Alice, she had told Edward. I hadn't realized he would have as much an issue with Laurent coming here as I had. Then again, this was his place before I showed up, his place which he shared with me. A place were he finally began to come to terms with there being an "us".

"Edward?" I raised my hand to his cheek again pressing for him to look at me. He obliged. His eyes still dark. "Laurent didn't ruin our meadow." I was preaching to the choir, "This wasn't our meadow, when you were gone. It was just another field of grass and flowers, nothing more. With us, this place could be burned and charred and covered in blood, but it would still be our meadow. Nothing can ruin this place for us if we don't let it." Our eye remained locked, but something we hadn't felt in quite some time erupted between us. It was always there but it hadn't been this powerful since… the day after Port Angeles.

I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that it was possible to be more aware of him than I already was.

The only difference now, was we no longer had any reservations about being able to touch each other without disaster.

"Bella." His voice was strained.

"Edward." My whisper barely there.

We were already touching… but we needed more. His lips where on mine, he wasn't in full control… neither was I. It wasn't gentle, but it didn't hurt. It made me feel wanted. Neither of us were thinking, and right now, it didn't matter. I just needed to be closer to him. He fell on his back pulling me up, then rolled me onto my back as he rolled on top of me holding his weight above me, yet still letting me feel him along me. He was kissing me, holding me to him as my hands roamed his back. I needed to breathe, his lips trailed down my jaw, down my neck. I arched into him needing more… I didn't know exactly what more I needed, it was just more.

He brought his lips back to mine and my tongue slipped out to trace his bottom lip, I whimpered, I was too occupied to be embarrassed. He growled at me, or maybe just in general, but my tongue was quickly hidden away, knowing the end should be coming, yet knowing it wasn't. Instead he opened his mouth slightly and his tongue traced my bottom lip, and my human, involuntary response was to buck my hips against him. And we both froze. The electricity disappeared.

I looked down and then up and he was looking at me with a perfect impersonation of a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car.

"Sorry." And he was gone. Across the meadow and turned away from me.

"Sorry?" I gasped as I sat up.

It was like a slap in the face. And it wasn't just the rejection, however much it hurt, I'd gotten somewhat used to that one. No, this was for what should have been an obvious issue. Edward was born in 1901, changed in 1918. Such a reaction would have been improper, but so would making out with anyone but one's wife… and clearly he wasn't reconciling the two.

I walked over to him, he did not move thankfully. I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. Muffling into his back,

"I know you're from 1918 Edward and I know why we keep things chaste. But this is 2007, you've nothing to be embarrassed about reacting to me… to us. God knows I react to you." I giggled at that last statement. I'm sure he could feel the blush.

"Bella my control," I squeezed my arms around him. He didn't have to explain that part. I knew my blood made things harder for him "I'm s…" I cut him off."If you say sorry one more time, there will be injury and it's going to be me, because your rock solid." He chuckled and his shoulders relaxed some and turned around to face me.

"Ready to go see everyone?" Yeah, I was, and the run would give him time to cool down.

"Yep."

"Climb up." And we were running.

We were silent, enjoying the wind in our hair, the blur of trees passing us by, and most of all spending time together doing something he loved. Something he could relax in, something he didn't have to think about. I smirked. As the wind rushed behind us I leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

"I hope your thinking about not hitting trees." He laughed loudly, joyously.

"Silly Bella," He chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, It's not something I have to think about."

"Of course I'm not, Silly Bella." He took one of my hands from around his neck and kissed my palm. He turned his head so that he could see me leaning over his shoulder, then he replied,

"I'm thinking of you."

AN: I hope you like this, It's version 4 draft 5 (not including the drafts of the other versions… Last chapter was the same general idea… this fic just doesn't like me, ish)... Yup! And on the odd chance you didn't catch on, the italics was dialogue from Twilight and New Moon.

And question for the readers: Should I change the summery, or the characters or anything for this story, seeing how it's going, or do you think it's acceptable to keep it as is?

R and R ^_^