The Night the Music died (After Justin's Bashed on Prom night-While he's sitting with Michael, crying in silence)

As I listen to Mikey's breathing beside me, I struggle to hear my own breaths (just checking.) It's possible I may no longer be alive. I've never felt more alone.

No. This did not just happen. Despite my fervent head shaking, the image won't falter. My Fucking God. This is real.

My stomach is flipping violently. This guilt is attempting to fully consume me from within. I tried to get to him fast enough. Didn't I? Christ. I can't remember. What If I didn't hesitate or take the time to hit that asshole, maybe... No. I did try to stop it from happening. Right? There wasn't anything else I could have done. Right?

This was supposed to be the best night of his life. Of mine. At the tailor's this morning getting fitted for my tux, I even briefly toyed with the notion of getting him a boutonniere (Christ. I really am a queer.)

He looked unbelievable tonight.

As soon as he caught my eye on the dance floor, my heart swelled. That smile damn near knocked me on my ass. My breath caught in my throat. So goddamn beautiful.

While dancing with him, I was compelled to glance down. I had to be certain we weren't in fact, 'Dancing on air'. So what? I'll admit it. I felt downright damn euphoric.

Fucking Hobbs' has taken away so much, but that hateful coward will never be able to take my feelings at that moment.

Justin was looking at me like I had just roped the moon and presented it to him.

Wake up Sunshine, and I'll rope that fucker right now.

I'm still not sure of the exact moment in which I had decided to go, but as soon as I saw his happiness mirror my own, I knew it was the right thing to do.

God. Was it ever the wrong thing to do. If I hadn't stepped outside of myself so far as to go to a ridiculous prom; he'd still be Justin, in his entirety.What have I done? I've broken an angel.

I won't pretend that I don't care. I'm not even going to pretend to be strong. I haven't the strength. Fuck it. OK tears, go ahead and fall.

Where are you Justin? Do you know what your leaving is putting me through here? Come back. Please. I 'm lost. Come find me Sonny Boy.

Stop it Kinney. You selfish bastard. This is not about you.

A quick flash of him walking away from me, with his promise of 'Later' flutters behind my closed eyelids.

He's not going to leave me. We didn't say Goodbye. He knows that, I saw it in his smile.

It's 'Later' Justin. Time to open up those baby blues.

Despite my best 'foot stomping, inner child pouting' self protest, I can't stop myself from replaying the gut wrenching scene over and over again.

I can hear a voice I don't quite recognize escape my lips. It's screaming his name. I can't ignore the vision of that violent swing. It was so fast. Although I ran, I was helpless. Fucking useless.

It took me what felt like a lifetime, to process what had just happened. Time stopped. The world seemed to canter around me in a blur of emotions.

Instinctively, without a thought, I grabbed the bat and hit that fucking bastard with all that I had. I only wish now, that I would have ensured he never took another breath. With him writhing on the ground (in far less pain than he deserved) I glanced back toward the place where Justin remained motionless.

My heart skipped suddenly, and then again. Thumping faster and faster until I am certain at one point it flew from my chest altogether. Self fulfilling Prophecy? Brian Kinney was left heartless.

I gazed at the crumpled, broken body lying lifeless in front of me. I was stuck. Undoubtedly unable to move even an inch. Tears found their way to my cheeks before I even realized they had formed.

Though mere feet separated me from the inevitable heartache that readily awaited me, it felt like miles. Justin appeared to grow increasingly further away from the place in which my feet stood glued to the floor.

I felt light years away from my body. Certainly I was merely watching someone else get completely and utterly shattered to pieces. Trembling, I attempted to go to him and for a moment, forgot how to walk.

Too many thoughts raced through my mind though none were polite enough to stay. I inhaled deeply .

Gathering every ounce of strength I had (which was nearly nonexistent) I proceeded towards an unmoving Justin Taylor.

I lifted his head, and saw the crimson love escaping him. The warmth of the blood was in vast contrast to the stark coldness of the cement.

I felt a piece of my soul fly away to find my already escaped heart. The piece of my soul was Justin. I was certain.

I don't remember all of the words I spoke to him as I held him. (Oh how I wish he'd have held me in return.) Will I ever feel those arms around me again? Don't even think like that. He is strong. He is going to make it.

Perhaps I told him "Help's coming".Perhaps said "Don't leave me" or "No. no. Fucking hold on you stubborn shit." Perhaps, I told him "I love you." Perhaps.

As my world began to evaporate, I barely heard the approaching sirens.

"…terribly sorry…Sir?…cerebral hemorrhaging…everything we can…brutal …non responsive…swelling…brain damage"

The paramedics words' swirled in reality as my mind tried eagerly to pluck at least one from the cloud of disbelief that surrounded me. All attempts failed me.

I could not focus on anything that was being said. Not because I am incapable of comprehension, but because I knew that once I put their words in order, everything would change.

I knew it would be tomorrow ( & every day thereafter) forever altered. Here, on this side of tragedy, I was safe. It was still today. He was still dancing in my arms. His smile was still full of life.

I knew only four words that were the equivalent to everything that the medics had told me...This is my fault.

Without providing a chance for protest, I invited myself into the ambulance and took his slender hand into my own. He was so cold.

I watched as the woman placed some kind of lead onto Justin's chest (seemingly over his heart). I missed my heart and wondered where it had flown off too.

I bent to kiss him on the forehead, and tasted the iron in his blood. It made my stomach flutter and I worried it too, may leave me.

Before moving aside to let them work, I pulled the scarf from his neck. I'm so sorry Sunshine.

As I sit here now (In the most uncomfortable chair I've ever felt. I don't deserve comfort.) listening to the piercing beeps of his monitors and the inflation of his ventilators, I am numb.

This symphony of sadness is deafening.

I'm trying desperately to hear the music we danced to. I'm trying to hear the laughter in his words. In mine. It's useless. All I can hear is the horrendous cracking sound as the bat connected with his innocent face. It's echo is pulsating through my mind. That, and that incessant fucking beeping!

I wonder if I was hooked up to one of those machines, 'Would I have a heartbeat?'

'Christ. Justin, I know you're going to hate me. I won't blame you. Now, Wake up so you can tell me as much. Please.'

I need to hear his voice again.

'Come on you adorable twat. Please. I'd give anything to hear you bombard me with medical facts, or lecture me on my lack of social grace. Please. Tell me about something entirely & utterly fucking useless. Something no one in their right mind would give a shit about. Please.'

What if he doesn't make…No. Fuck you Kinney. He's going to be fine.

Will tomorrow come without sunshine? I can honestly say I don't know. I'm still wishing more than anything that it was still yesterday.

Yesterday, when he was perfect.

Where do I go from here? What am I supposed to do? You want me to fucking pray?

I will.

'God. I don't know if you can hear me or not. Hell, sorry, I feel slightly foolish. I must admit I haven't done this since I was a fucki-, sorry, kid. I guess I'm supposed to promise you something. To be honest, I'm not sure I have enough left of me to offer you anything. So here's the deal. You can't have him. Goddam-, sorry. What do you need him for anyway? You already have the world. Don't be a selfish prick, sorry. I need him.'

My insides are trembling relentlessly.

This is what it feels like to need someone? It's fucking intense. Positively unbearable.

Don't worry Kinney. As long as you don't say it out loud, your heart will never know.