*Chapter 6: Undesirable
*Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. SM does. I simply suffer from a lackadaisical need to be descriptive and use big words.
*Chapter Song: "I'll Stand by you" by The Pretenders
*Not an exciting chapter, but it is very, very important to the story.
*If you are going to make comments/Reviews about this fan-fiction story, make sure that you are not criticizing me for my lack of pace. Bare with me, shit gets revealed. It's called "engaging the reader."
-*-Edward-*-
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
The dawn crept unwillingly fast as I helped her dress. The treetops shadows became increasingly longer, and Bella had to be home before her father knew she was gone.
"This is the saddest time for me, Isabella. Letting you go isn't very easy for me," I told her, hugging her tightly and kissing her forehead. "I feel like my heart goes with you. I love you, Eve."
"Me, too, and I love you, my Adam," she amended, kissing me before turning and heading out of Eden, letting the foggy morning dew distort her silhouette until she was out of my sight.
"Take thy heart; I do not use it but only to beat for you," I murmured, gathering the afghan and stuffing it back into the backpack that was on the ground.
Slinging the back over my shoulder, I made my way back out of Eden. My mind was wandering as I reached the old wood steps of the house. I made my way up the stairs and planned to go into my room to hide the backpack. They would never get the afghan back…it smelled like Bella and it was mine.
"Edward? Is that you?" A soft, nearly inaudible voice asked from the door that stood ajar on my left side of the hall.
"Rosalie?" I called out, walking over and opening the door further. "It's me."
The room was bathed in darkness. Just a sliver of winter sun leaked through the blinds that were pulled down; the slats were firmly closed, filtering out any possible rays into the room. Her entire body was silhouetted against the blinds; her body cradled in a rocking chair that stood a few feet from the window. Her room was small, and it did not give her much room to move, but like everything else, she did not complain. She motioned for me to come in with her finger. I did so, walking across the room and bending down to kiss her forehead, which was sweaty and clammy.
"Feeling better today, Rose?" I asked her, sitting on the empty bed across from her.
She nodded but said nothing else about how she felt. She looked at me longingly, the shadows creeping across her burn-touched skin. Her eyes were filled with sadness, but also a tinge of happiness. She sat up a little straighter in the rocker and smiled, or what could be interpreted as a smile since half her face was unmovable.
"She makes you happy, doesn't she?" she questioned, a knowing smile on her tortured face. "Before you ask, I saw you both going into the orchard for the past two days," her lisp strong as she struggled to say the words.
I sighed. Leave it to Rose to figure me out
"I don't know whether to be angry at you for being up that late, or laugh at your sheer ability to read me like a fine leather book," I replied, smiling at her and shaking my head. "Yeah, she is amazing, Rosalie."
"Can I meet her?" Rose replied anxiously.
"Rose," I started. I heard her sigh deeply, "That's really not a good idea. Not in-"
"…in my condition? You are so naïve! Are you afraid she will take off when she gets a good look—and laugh—at my face?" she replied angrily, her words slurring.
"Isabella is not like that, Rose! She would never laugh! I just don't think now is the right time, Rose. That's all," I said, crossing my arms in defiance.
"Edward, I just want to meet the person you found happiness in. I know I'm not very pretty compared to her-"
"Don't you dare say that, Rosalie Lillian! You are burned on the outside! You are still whole and pure hearted on the inside. Those marks mean nothing to anyone important, you understand? I would love you even if you were something worse than burned. I could have returned you to the way you were! But you won't let me!" My arms were unfolded now; fists balled up at my sides. She smiled sadly at me.
"I know, Edward. And your right, I will never let you do it," she replied.
"All because I could-"
She cut sharply across me; her lisp mangling the words as she tried desperately to speak them.
"That's not the only reason, Edward! There are things you have to know. Listen," she sighed and turned back to the darkened window, "I just want to talk to her. I won't tell her about you."
"She knows. I told her," I said, avoiding her eyes.
"I figured as much when I saw the orchard light up like a Christmas tree. That's not what I was referring to and you know that."
"Rose-"
"Are you ever going to tell her, Edward? Isn't that something she should know?" Her voice was a soft whisper.
"I will, Rose. Just not right now. I didn't scare her off with my flashlight for a hand," I said sarcastically, "and I would like to keep it that way."
"Then what are you worried about? You know I would never tell her, Edward. Please?" She half begged, her mangled hand joining with her normal hand in a beggar's pose.
I groaned. I was waning and I knew it. I knew that Rose would never tell Bella what I didn't tell her myself, but it was just that Rose had a way of making people uncomfortable with her talk of 'I'm not worth saving' crap she always seemed to add to the conversations.
"Guess there is a trip to Alice's Tea Shop in town, then," I sighed, half-smiling at Rose as her hands faltered and fell to her lap.
"Good! Tonight you can bring her to my room," she smiled. Her smile wasn't alight like it had been before. Her eyes glazed slightly, and she slightly paled.
"Are you in pain again? Should I…"
"No. I'm not in physical pain, Edward."
She did not elaborate. I sprung off the bed and walked over to kiss her forehead. I made to turn around when her good hand fell upon my wrist.
"You are too good to me, Edward. Anyone else would have cringed at the thought of having a burned sister. I love you," she said, her voice quivering slightly.
"Sometimes the most difficult of life's roads are the very ones that can bring us the greatest rewards. You have traveled a road that is full of curves, but I was standing at every single one of them, my hand reaching for yours every time."
She let go of my wrist and I walked out of the room, unwilling to let her see the tears that silently plunged off my face. Every single time she said anything about what anyone else would think of her, I died a little more inside. Her scars did not depict her heart or her gentle humanity. I lifted myself from her door and bolted to my own room, shutting the door with an echoing snap. I walked over to my bed and sat down, slinging the backpack off my shoulder and flopping it onto my bed. I yanked the zipper open and hurriedly pulled the afghan from the pack. I lifted the fabric to my nose and inhaled a long, drawn-out patch. It smelled like her soft, warm body still, my eyes begun to unwillingly flicker shut; the smell intoxicating and unruly in my veins. I lay down on top of the comforter, her afghan balled in my hands. With the last waning power I had, my eyes closed, emotionally drained. I flickered into darkness.
And the nightmares came for me.
Came for my sanity…
-*-Bella-*-
So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I looked out the window with longing. I shifted infinitesimally as the winter rain pounded against the windows. The echoing rain lulled me into calmness as I clung to the tea cup in my small hands.
"Bella, are you listening?" Alice's squeaky voice cut through my thoughts. I sighed and turned to face her.
"Yes. Alice. You only told me about a thousand times! I get it. The customer is always right and—you know," I added, my face scrunching up in detest, "You're the one who is forcing this job on me. If you didn't need the help, I totally would laugh at your attempt to even ask me."
"Stop being grumpy," she replied, sliding a napkin across the small table. "Use that. The tables are new, and unless you want to buy me new ones, it's a coaster."
"Talk about being grumpy…" I murmured, taking the napkin and placing my teacup on it. "And I'm not grumpy. I just have a lot on my mind," I added defensively.
Let her make whatever she wanted out of that. I would never tell her I was deflowered by the Orchard Owner's son. She would have a freaking gossip session about it and want details. My mind automatically, without skipping anything, replayed what happened last night in my head like a tape recorder rewinding.
His eyes had searched mine for some sort of communication, and my eyes had not deceived me. He obviously knew what he was doing, as he undressed me first, his hands skimming over every visible part of my body reflecting from the rays of the moon. He had guided my hands along as I disrobed him. He laid me down on the afghan, and small twigs and leaves, some of which dug me in the back through the material of the blanket, but I didn't care. He was gentle in his exploration; his touch light and his kisses even lighter. He had asked me every single step if I was still fine, to which I had nodded. My hands had run down over his chest, caressing his burns, hitting the shiny dips of his skin there. I had explored him the best I could as his body rested on top of my own, returning his light kisses. When he entered me, I had gasped. He had been concerned, but I shook my head. The pain subsided after a few minutes, with just the burning sensation lingering. Afterward, I had cried, and he had held me, whispering in my ear that is was alright, he was there. I didn't remember much after that, because I fell asleep.
I smiled at the mental picture.
Bad move…
"What the hell are you smiling at? What world are you in, Isabella?" Alice cried, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I shook my head slightly and blinked.
"I…nothing…" I stammered. I was saved by Jasper's stupidly loud distraction. He was trying to open a ten pound bag of sugar with a knife, effectively ripping the side of the bag, pouring white powder all over the floor.
"Oh! for god sakes! Jasper, you moron! You're ripping the-," Alice trailed off. Her face turned to me in apology. "You know, sometimes I wonder what fuckery he is patenting," she said. "Listen, I'll be back. Don't go anywhere." She lifted herself from the table, yelling at Jasper as she went.
I laughed as I watched her tiny frame disappear in the back, stopping only to smack Jasper upside his head. Jasper might be stupid to her, but to me, he was an angel wearing a stupid apron. I was a 'safe-by-the-bell'…or 'Jasper' in this case. I was still laughing when a soft voice sounded somewhere from behind me.
"Isabella?" The voice asked, making me turn around in my seat to see the face with the voice.
"Edward? What…what are you doing here?" I stammered, as he smiled crookedly at me.
"Can I sit? You don't have company, do you?" he asked, coming around the table. My eyes followed him. I was unable to speak. The man at the table in the corner lifted his eyes to Edward, then to me, and then shifted his cold gaze back down to his newspaper he clutched in his hands.
What was he doing here?
"I see you're not quite sure what to make of me here…" he sat down, his fingers clasping under his chin. He smiled at me like a Cheshire cat. "We do come out in public, Isabella. Those are just tales."
"No. It's…it's not that. What are you doing here?" I asked, finally snapping from my shock.
"I actually came to see you, Eve. You see, when you leave me, I have this…problem…" he trailed off, his eyes finding mine with intensity.
"Oh, no! Not another nightmare!" I whispered. "Was it really bad?"
He took his hand from his chin and placed it under mine, so that I would maintain his gaze as he spoke.
"Not as bad as you leaving me this morning. Irreplaceable! You're warmth; smile…all of it is irreplaceable. I had to smell the afghan. I had to have your scent course through my veins once again. You are quite intoxicating. I got a little tipsy and fell asleep," he admitted, his head shaking slightly. "But to answer you, yes, it was particularly bad."
I closed my eyes and sighed. I could not imagine what he saw in the dark recesses of his mind when he finally closed his eyes. He had not told me of the nightmare he had before, and I doubt he would of this one, either.
"I have something to ask you, Isabella. That is why I am here; aside from the fact I can see you again." He said, releasing his hand from my chin and touching my hand that was firmly wrapped around the tea cup. "Your friend over there is very curious. She keeps peeking over at me. She owns the shop, right?" he asked, his eyes gazing over my shoulder
"Oh. God, she isn't staring is she?" I was mortified. I turned my head slowly to see Alice staring at our table, her eyebrows raised and her hands on her hips. "Oh. Please, if there is a god, don't let her come over here…"
He laughed, and then looked at me again. "I think it's me. People don't see much of The Cullen's out and about anymore. People tend to make up stories. You know…serial killing family, inbreeds. I don't take any of it personal, though," Edward sighed.
"Alice is like a cockroach. Just don't look her in the eye. You might coax her closer," I replied. He laughed. "What is it that you wanted to ask?"
"It's actually a favor for Rosalie," he paused, and then continued, "She would like to meet you tonight, before we head into Eden."
"Rosalie wants to meet me?" I repeated, confusion meshed into my words. "Why?"
"She saw us last night. Not that part," he added quickly when he took in my expression. "I tried to discourage her from it, but she won't listen. Far be it for me to fight with her. She always wins."
"Oh. Alright…" I trailed off. "Why are you against it, then?"
"Rosalie has a way of making people uncomfortable. Her words towards herself are not kind. And also, in her condition—" I interrupted before he could say the rest.
"This is about her burns isn't it? Did you think I would make a crack about her skin? Run away after seeing her skin all burned and scarred?" Indignity soared through me and bubbled to the surface. How could he think so low of me? After his unveiling of his scars!
His eyes softened slightly. His hand came up to brush the hair from my forehead.
"Of course not, Isabella," Edward replied, but did not elaborate. "Rosalie was persistent in meeting you. She said you make me happy. And of course, as usual, Rose is right. You make me incredibly happy, Isabella," he said, reaching over the table to kiss my lips. "Indulgently so."
If I had ten bucks and eyes in the back of my head, I would bet that Alice's mouth was now laying somewhere by the crook of her knees. I internally cringed. As if he read my thoughts, he laughed and pulled back.
"She seems pissed," he seemed amused. "Perhaps I better go. Rose will be waiting for us tonight. Until then," he said, bending over to kiss my lips again; his lips traveled up my cheekbone till he reached my ear, "Whisper thy desires; for silence makes a loved heart weak." He kissed my lips once more, "Goodbye, Isabella," then turned on his heel and was gone.
Before she had even gotten twenty feet away from me, I could feel the air change as Alice neared.
"Alice, before you say anything, remember that you need me to help around here. Say anything remotely stupid or asshole-ish, and I will quit before I begin," I rubbed my eyes and licked my lips. I could still taste him on my lips; a mix of toothpaste and something I could not guess.
"Who is he, Bella?" her eyebrows went up and her arms crossed. I sighed.
"Sit down," I told her.
As the rain poured on outside the tea shop, I explained everything except Edward's gift and what happened last night to her. With the sloshing of cars outside and the squeaking of boots coming through the shop, Alice listened.
And so was someone else…
-*-Rosalie-*-
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
My hand lifted slowly to trace the rain droplets that formed on the outside of the window pane. It was dark now, and I could freely open the blinds without the sun filtering in to remind me of the imperfections across my face. My finger followed the drop as it descended down the glass, smudging until it finally popped when it hit the outside sash. I pressed the cool finger to my burned face and sighed. Even the coolest of rain could never cut the heat that seared into my skin. I felt the bumpy creases and the rough, ragged dips. I closed my eyes as I took my good hand and slammed my fist on the window glass. What I had to do tonight would no doubt change things forever. I had lived with it for a year, and could not stand another lonely night, watching my brother go into the orchard with that girl. Not because I didn't like her, I did, even though I had never met her before. I had this sense of people, and she was kind and sweet and good for Edward. No. That wasn't it. I had to do it before I got to a point where there was no turning back. Before Edward left me for good, and went out on his own. He had to know the real reason his choice to heal me went ignored. It was not because of his secret he was keeping from Bella. It was my secret. The one I held inside for too long.
I opened my eyes and could see two black shadows emerge from the edge of the Orchard, holding hands. I lifted my hand from the glass and turned a little in the rocker so that I was in the shadows; invisible in the rooms darkness. I could hear the soft murmurs as they neared the house. I didn't hear the door shut, and I guessed that Edward was trying to avoid alerting father. They made their short way up the stairs, as their murmurings got louder. I could hear the door creak open, then a soft voice.
"Rosalie?" Edward called softly. "I brought Isabella."
I turned my head minimally so I could look at her. She and Edward were cast in shadows, but I could just make out the small wave of her hand at me.
"Hello, Isabella. Edward, let her sit down there," I told him, pointing to the empty bed across from my chair. "There is some light so I can see her properly."
"Come on," I heard him tell her as he guided her to where I pointed. I heard the small creak as they sat down.
"It's nice to meet you, Rosalie. Edward talks of you all the time," her small, shrill voice said.
"He speaks too highly of me, I'm sure," I replied. Oh, how true that was.
"Rosalie..." Edward warned.
"Yes, yes. So, my brother seems happy with you," I shifted so that I could see her in the light of the moon. "And you're the only one who knows he can heal besides us," I said, and then added, "my family, I mean."
"It's safe with me. I won' tell anybody or anything," she replied, looking at Edward adoringly. "I could never."
"Don't worry," I laughed a brittle laugh. "I'm not worried."
"Rosalie knows that. Rose, stop teasing."
I smiled in spite of myself. She obviously was taking me serious. I liked it, though. She had no hesitated in her answer, which meant she could be trusted to be honest; rare feat in today's society.
"How do you feel about having to keep this a secret? Knowing that if you spill even on minute detail, that you could ruin us? Have Edward labeled as some kind of 'freak'?" I asked, my eyes shifting to the window again.
"Rosalie, where the hell are you going with this?" Edward asked roughly.
"No, it's alright, Edward. Look, Rosalie, I have already said that I could never tell anyone. And if it is a secret that I must carry to protect Edward, I would do it. I would die bearing this to no one but myself," she paused, and for a minute, I thought she was finished speaking. It was not until I opened my damaged mouth again that she spoke.
"What about you? How do you feel about keeping Edward's secrets?" she whispered solemnly.
I laughed.
"Secrets are like the liars who carry them; full of guilt and empathy. You have no idea all the secrets do you?"
"Rosalie!" Edward yelped loudly at me. My expression changed slightly.
"Not you, Edward! Not your secrets! Mine. My secrets," I tore out of mouth, my body leaning forward so that my burned face shone in the light of the moon. I heard Isabella audibly gasp.
"Rose, what are you talking about? You're babbling nonsense. You wanted to meet her and you did. Come, Isabella," Edward said, standing from the bed and pulling Bella to her feet. "I knew this conversation would be like this."
They were at the door when I whispered it.
"Do you want to know why I won't let you heal me, Edward?"
"I know—" he started.
"No you don't. The real reason I won't let you heal me-"
"Rose, I don't care-"
I interrupted him, cutting across his words like a sharp knife.
"I started the fire," I finally said.
"What?"
"I said I started the fire."
The audible gasp from Bella was drowned out by a hard hand on my shoulder whirling me around so hard I nearly lost my balance and fell from the rocker.
"What the fuck did you just say?"
I looked up into his eyes where rage and confusion mixed and meshed.
"I started the fire. Me. Not father. That is why you can never heal me. I did this to myself."
-*-Edward-*-
And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
"Why are you doing this?" I roared at her trying to manage my voice. If anyone heard me, they would discover Bella inside the house. "Why are you taking the motherfucking fall for him?"
"I'm not-" Rose started to say.
"Yes, you are! You're lying to me to cover for him!" I shot at her.
"Edward, would you please sit down so I can explain?" Her eyes flickered to Bella. "And you're scaring her."
I turned to Bella to see her cowering in the shadows, off-put by my sudden anger. I reached my hand out to hold hers. I gave it a squeeze.
"Edward, please just hear her out," Bella asked softly, her free hand coming to touch the small of my back. "Please."
I sighed and then tore my gaze from hers and guided Bella back over to the bed, where we sat down once more. Rose looked at Bella and smiled, then at me and frowned.
"Be civil, Edward. You're way too dramatic," she said, clicking her tongue in impatience. "You could never heal me because I resented myself for being the reason I am laid bare to these scares. I know what could happen if you did heal me, and I could never carry the burden of that. Not when it was my fault I'm…burned," she said with a shudder.
"What are you talking about, Rose? The fire was started by father when he went to put wood into the wood-burning stove. It had nothing to do with you. Blaming yourself-"
She cut me off promptly. "You believe that because it is what he told you happened. Edward, you resent him, and you would love to pin this," she gestured to her face, "on him. But it was me that did this. I did that," she pointed to my burned skin over my ribs that were tucked under my shirt, "to you." Her voice quivered slightly now.
I waited for her to continue, but she did not. Instead, she looked back to the open blinds of the window and sighed deeply. I waited a moment, and was about to speak when Bella's soft voice hit my ears.
"What happened that night, Rosalie?" Bella asked softly, leaning forward so that her face was out of the cryptic shadows. "What happened the night of the fire?" She saw me out of the corner of her eye staring at her, so she added, "She wants to tell us, Edward."
"You're right, I do," Rose replied. "First, you have to know something, Edward."
"What could that possibly be, Rose?" I said sarcastically.
"I can heal, too, Edward. We share the same gift."
The gasping from my mouth was drawn out only by the sound of the hum as her hand came up and light started to form at her fingertips…..
-
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
A/N:
"We didn't start the fire…"
Nah, Just fucking with you with some Billy Joel.
Next chapter, Rosalie tells her side of the story… what happened the night of the fire….some anger…some sexin' and some tortured confessions.
*The quotes are mine...didn't you know? I'm a fucking poet, too.
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