Forward Note:
*Special thanks to everyone for their patience.
*As usual, I do not own any characters associated with Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does.
*Thanks to everyone who reads and makes this possible to continue.
-*-/EPOV\\-*-
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
Blind
By Lifehouse
"What the fuck was that about?" I demanded, getting to my feet and looking around for my clothes.
"I warned you, son. I told you if I caught her in here again, I would take measures to keep her out. You defied me!" Carlisle roared, kicking my shirt with his foot. "You just have to fuck things up even more, don't you? Do you understand what could happen if something were to happen to her? You would waste your gift on that fucking tramp and leave your own sister to rot!"
"She has nothing to do with this! You have no right-"
"I have a lot of right. This is my property—all of it! I own this fucking orchard, not you. If I catch her in here again, I will have a little talk with the sheriff! That little tramp is going to fuck up everything, and it will be your fault. As usual," he spat, turning away from me to head back through Eden. "Fucking her in my goddamn orchard…" he muttered as he left.
I gathered the rest of my clothing and dressed quickly. Everything that Rose had told me tonight came back to me. Guilt still surged in my impure veins. Carlisle had no idea that his precious daughter sacrificed her own body for me; so that I could live. He wanted me around to heal Rose, with or without her consent. It didn't matter to him if it would disfigure me for the second time. He didn't care. He had no idea she'd started the fire, either, and I really didn't think that would change much.
I buttoned my jeans and sighed. I had to go after Bella. It couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes that she had been walking. I could still catch her on the road. I hurried and sat on the log to lace up my shoes, then popped up and started running through the shadows that stilled the trees in the moonlight.
I ran across the path and down the grassy knoll that led to the road Bella and I had used the past few nights.
I didn't see her, so I ran along the macadam, my lungs hurting with each pound of my footsteps.
"Bella?" I cried out in the darkness, my voice echoing in the pitch black of the night.
No answer.
I slowed my running to a jog as my eyes scanned the road ahead for anything. When I got half-way to Bella's house, I finally saw—no, heard—her. I could hear the sobs catching in her throat.
"Bella?" I called out again. I could not see her anywhere, though I could still heard her. "Where are you?"
I looked over to the side of the darkened road and saw her silhouette sitting on the grassy shoulder; her hands were covering her eyes and her knees were drawn up to her chest. She didn't acknowledge me as I slowly walked over and sat down beside her. She was fully clothed, now. I reached a hand out to caress her back, but her voice stopped me cold.
"Please. Don't," she pleaded in soft, broken sobs. "Please don't touch me."
I retracted my hand and sighed. Of course she didn't want me to touch her! My father had just called her a tramp. Not only that, but she was probably embarrassed that she was forced to leave the orchard naked. I watched as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and dipped her face.
"Is-is t-that w-w-what h-he thinks I am?" she choked out, pressing her wet face into her knees, now.
I lifted my hand to touch her back again, but instead, I leaned forward and coaxed her face away from her knees. Her face was puffy; red splotches spread across her cheeks, and tears still fell from her swollen, brown eyes.
"Hey!" I said, reaching the pads of my fingertips up to brush away the stray tears cascading down her cheeks. "Don't you ever think something like that! I don't give a shit what he says or thinks about you," I told her, gently brushing her wet strands of hair behind her ear. "You matter more to me than he ever will, do you understand?"
I gently lifted her face and leaned down next to her ear, my breath hot and damp as it drifted across her cold skin.
"I love you, Isabella Swan. That is the only thing that you should care about." I tugged her earlobe with my teeth and then pulled her lips to mine to hungrily crush them in a kiss.
It wasn't the same. Her lips did not move in unison with my own. Instead, they became pliable and robot-like. I pulled my lips away from hers reluctantly, and looked in her eyes; the light that once filled those chocolate brown orbs was gone. She made no movement to explain the change in her. Instead, she turned her face away, her back now slightly facing away from me.
Something had broken in her.
Something had shattered in her frail heart.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I can't," Bella said softly, pulling herself to a standing position and turning to face me. "This is all just too much for me. You're wonderful, please don't misunderstand me. It's just….this is just….overwhelming," she sniffled.
"Please, Bella," I pleaded with her. "Please don't do this. I know what…the things I've told you…" I tried to reason in broken, misguided failure. "Don't let him do this to us!" I shouted, pacing back and forth in front of her as she stood quietly watching me lose control. Watching me unravel in the clear light of the moon above.
"Edward, it's not just him," she whispered, not making any moves to come to me. "It's everything. I don't belong knowing your secrets, Edward. I don't belong here, with you. You have enough guilt eating at you; you don't need me adding to it."
I stopped pacing and whipped around to stare at her. She didn't look at me. That pissed me off. I walked over to her and roughly pulled her head up to look me in the eyes.
"What are you saying, Bella? That we are too fucked up for you? That we are just a bunch of freaks with problems you rather not associate yourself with?" I demanded, anger flashing in my voice.
"No! It isn't that-" she replied hurriedly. "It's nothing like that."
"Explain, then!" I commanded her, gripping her chin with too much pressure. "Tell me why you are leaving me when I fucking need you the most?"
I was losing control, fast. I could feel myself slipping as I tried not to fall apart in front of the girl I had come to love; the girl I had come to call my Eve, the girl I slept with twice, and it still wasn't close enough.
"I'm sorry, Edward. Please let me go, you're hurting me." She wiggled her face and I let her go. She stepped back and looked at me apologetically.
"But your sleep-walking…you can't control walking in here every night, Bella. You have no choice but to come back here," I shoved at her.
I was excited that I had a small, irrefutable loophole to use.
"You have to come back to me, every night," I told her, clutching my shirt in a desperate attempt to hold onto that bit of hope.
She smiled a little and shook her head. My hand fell from my shirt, and I swallowed hard.
"Why are you shaking your head? You have to! You can't control it, Bella!" I had her cornered. There was no way she could deny this.
"I can't control it, you're right," she smiled feebly before it fell from her face. "But I want you to promise me something, Edward."
I shook my head in painful disbelief. She had found some other way to rip my heart out and squash it between her small, delicate hands. I laughed. It was a small, desperate laugh, and it scared the living shit out of me.
"Promise me that you won't come for me at night anymore…"
"No."
"…and that, no matter what, you won't guide me into the orchard anymore…"
"No fucking way."
"…and that when I am in Eden, you let me be…Don't touch me or move me…"
"Bella. Please!" I pleaded. I could feel the tears sting my eyes as what she was asking of me sunk into my tired, aching head.
"And, one more thing, Edward," she softly lifted her hand to caress my cheek.
"No, Bella. I won't listen!" I felt the tears start to tumble down my cheeks.
She looked apologetic as she sighed.
"Don't be there when I wake up. Please," she lowered her hand and turned away from me.
"Bella! I won't do it! I can't fucking do it!" I yelled at her, sobs choking my words; making them sound slurred as they fell from my mouth.
She stopped but did not turn around.
"If you ever loved me, Edward, you will do it," she replied.
She started walking again, and a moment later, there was nothing but blackness, much like the hole in my heart, engulfing me.
I flung myself to my knees and sobbed. She honestly had no idea how much I still fucking needed her. The shit I wished I would have said to make her stay was just a distant figment in my head. It was too late. She was gone. She made it clear that she wasn't coming back. Her words bit at me like a snake. 'If you ever loved me, Edward, you will do it.' It wasn't love I felt for her. It was the world. I felt the world of her. I had told her my secrets, and Rose had revealed secrets in front of her, because she was unlike anyone else.
I picked myself up off the road and turned back toward Eden. There was nothing I could do. I let her go without even fighting for her. It was too easy. I would do as she asked of me. I would not touch her, move her, or even be there when she awoke to find herself again in the middle of the orchard, among the desolate, dead trees. I walked mechanically, as if my legs were made of concrete. There was nothing to return to anymore, so I wasn't in a hurry.
I got to the fence where Bella and I had first talked to each other. I almost passed it when something gleaming in the moonlight reflected off the fence. I walked over hesitantly. When I was close enough to see what it was in the darkness, my heart dropped. There, on the old, cracked wooden fence, hung Bella's carved necklace I'd made for her. She must have wrapped it around the post as she had walked past to get to the main road. I pulled it off the post and held it in my hands. The carving was one of my favorites. Now, the saying on the back hurt to read it. I shoved it in my pocket and kept on walking.
Tonight, I would hurt. I would open wounds that I'd thought had been sewn shut. I would be alone, and I would suffer for that. For not being what she wanted; what she needed.
Tonight, I would intentionally drift off to sleep and hurt myself with nightmares.
Yes, tonight…tonight, I would inflict pain.
-*-/BPOV\\-*-
And if I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
And as I crawl those lessons learned
Yeah they remind me I survived
And I've been hurt and I've been scarred
At least I know that I'm alive
And If I fall and crash and burn
At least we both know that I tried
All of the things I tried say
All of the words just got in the way
I'm waiting here, I need your help
Don't leave me down here all by myself
Crash and Burn
By Lifehouse
I wiped my nose and cheeks with my sleeve.
I had to hurt him. I had to make him understand.
His father, whose face had been hidden in the deep shadows of the trees, was only part of the problem. He had enough guilt and pain and infliction to go through without me there to fuck things up or add to it. He had said he needed me, but not really. He needed anyone who would listen to him, anyone who would keep his secrets. That, for all intents and purposes, could feel like love but not really be love. The more his secrets and his family's secrets piled up, the more uncomfortable I became with it all. I felt as if I had to watch myself. I didn't want to slip up. It was bad enough I'd told Alice most—leaving out the healing part—of what happened when I was with Edward. I had to let him go for his own benefit. I was protecting him, or at least, I was trying to.
I had to make him believe that I didn't want him anymore.
Believe.
Cool, October air whipped around me as I neared my house. This time, the routine felt empty; distorted from the other nights I walked this same path. There was dread. I knew, as soon as I made him promise me, that that would be it. I would not feel his arms wrap around me; his breath on my neck; his hands on my waist. I would not look into his eyes and see the small light that they held when I was with him. I would see, feel and do none of those things any longer.
I walked up the stone steps and retrieved the key, my mechanical movements unabridged as I finally slipped through the door and up the stairs. I slipped off my clothes for the second time, this time, dumping them into the hamper. I did not dress in my pajamas. I didn't have the strength to change. Instead, I lay down in my bra and panties and pulled the cover over my cold, tired body. I looked over to the empty space in which the dream catcher I had given Edward once hung, turned my face into my pillow, and wept.
I did not sleep the entire night. Even after the tears faded, and left my face a red, blotted mess, I did not sleep.
-*-/.\\-*-
"Oh. Bella, you look like shit!" The always honest Alice said from behind the counter.
It had been four days since that night. I had started my job at Alice's Tea Shop yesterday, and I was already regretting it. Not only was she on my case constantly, but she knew there was something wrong. And she had no problems with trying to pry it from me.
"Yes, I know, Alice. Thanks for the reminder," I huffed softly at her, rolling my eyes.
Shouldn't I look like shit? I spent the last few days stuck inside my house, dreading every single time I had to walk past Eden; walk past him. Every night, I ended up waking amongst the trees; always laying in the same spot full of twigs and pieces of bark. There was a difference, however. Edward was nowhere to be seen when I awoke. When I checked outside my window before I drifted off into a depressed sleep, he was never at the familiar lamp post. Each time I made my way to Alice's; the orchard was silent and abandoned. The carving I left for him was gone, and so was he. But sometimes, when I awoke and started my journey back through the trees on my way home, I thought I could feel him watching me, only to see nothing when I whipped my head around to scan the dense trees.
He was doing what I wanted of him.
He was staying away.
And I was miserable. I fucked up. I made him disappear from my life, and I fucked up. I did need him…did want him. So much so that it hurt. A part of me wanted him to disobey me, so that I could touch him again; have a chance to be with him. I was such an idiot for even thinking I could last one day without him. It wasn't the same.
"What did that bastard do to you?" Alice demanded, sitting a cup of tea in front of me as she sat down across the table. "I know something happened, Isabella."
"Alice…"
"Bella, we have been friends a long time. Long enough to know when something is wrong. Spit it out." She crossed her arms across her chest and glared at me.
I sighed, picked up the cup of tea and sipped. I sat the cup back down and sighed again.
"I let him go, Alice," I told her, my eyes dropping to gaze at the tea swirling around in the white, opaque cup. "He had enough going on in his life, and he didn't need me there fucking it up," I finished, raising my eyes back up to meet hers.
Her lips curved downward, and her hand shot out to cover mine. "Oh, honey! I'm so sorry!"
"Nobody died, Alice."
No. But it sure the fuck felt like it.
"At least it was mutual. Leaves less to cry about," she replied, tapping my hand and smiling.
I was going to correct her, to tell her that it wasn't mutual, at least not on his part, but I changed my mind. Maybe she would leave this subject alone. After all, she had Jasper. And by the looks of things, he wasn't leaving anytime soon.
"Come on, people need their tea," Alice said, getting up from her chair and motioning to the room filled with customers. "You can start with him over there," she said as she motioned to the corner of the shop.
I groaned, but got up and pushed in my chair.
"Don't be sad about this, Bella. You're too trusting; too caring with people. I'm sure whatever the reason you dumped him was, it was the best option you had," she smiled complacently at me and pointed to the corner again. "Go. Tea won't order itself."
"Alice?"
"Yeah?"
"It wasn't the best option, but it was the only option."
The day seemed to slow down and drag as I took order after order of tea, doughnuts and cookies. I had to say, Alice had this place jumping. It was nearing five; the time in which Alice scooted all the stragglers from the shop and cleaned up. I looked around at the mess on the floors and tables and groaned.
"Oh, stop your groaning! I'll get Jasper to help. JASPER!" Alice yelled to the back of the shop, where Jasper was hiding. "Clean the tables while I go get his lazy ass," she said, disappearing to the back of the shop.
I smiled and shook my head in amazement. Poor Jasper! I made my way to the tables, picking up the trash off the tables and plopping it into the bin I held in my arms; napkins, half-eaten doughnuts. I reached the far end of the shop, the final table in the back. I picked up the napkins, and was going for the sugar packets when I saw it. It was tucked innocently under the napkin dispenser, its beading glimmering in the lights of the overhead lamps.
The dream catcher I had given Edward. The feathers were all in a straight line, and there was a piece of paper woven in between the intricate beading of the main loop around the center. My heart dropped as I sat the bin on the table and pulled the dream catcher out from under the dispenser and held it in my hands.
Had Edward been here? If he had, I had not seen him. But it had been so busy that maybe I hadn't paid adequate attention.
I carefully slid the piece of paper from its holdings and opened it. In Edward's neat handwriting, a note:
I will be in the clearing, tonight,
Please let me talk to you.
I took a long look at the note and pocketed it in my apron. Taking the bin to the front and emptying it, I looked around for Alice.
"Alice?" I called, bending over the counter to see where she was.
"Yeah?"
"Can I leave? Something came up!" I shouted, looking at the clock above the kitchen doorway.
Nearly six o'clock. If I hurried, I could make it to the clearing in ten minutes.
"Yeah, alright," Alice said. "What's the emergency, Bella?" she asked as she emerged from the back with a look of concern.
"I just have to go, Alice. I will explain later. See you tomorrow!" I yelled as I grabbed my jacket and ran out the door.
It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I was going to finally see him, and I was ecstatic. I would tell him that I was sorry, that I didn't want to walk away from him. Everything I told him had been to protect him, but I was suffering. My heart was broken in so many pieces right now. I wanted to tell him that I took back everything I'd foolishly said. I wanted him to touch me all over, everywhere. I wanted him to hold me in his arms like he had after we made love the first time. I was a fool for trying to pretend he didn't love me. I knew he did.
I jogged down the darkened, shadowy road as I clutched the dream catcher in my hands; the note was safely stuffed inside my jacket pocket. I smiled to myself as I felt inside and touched the parchment. Tonight I would be in his arms, again. I would go to bed knowing that when I awoke, it would be to his face. I clutched the dream catcher tighter and walked on.
It wasn't too long before I saw the familiar swaying of apple trees in the distance. And the faint smell of wood. I was getting closer. I finally came to the grassy hill and skipped across it in desperation. I flung myself into the trees and ran through the darkness, avoiding tree after tree as I did. The clearing was ahead of me as I pushed myself the last few feet. When I stepped into the clearing, however, it was completely empty. In fact, as my eyes scanned the space, it didn't look like anyone had been here since that night I'd left him in the road. Confusion swept over me as my heart sank.
He wasn't here.
He really didn't want me.
He didn't need me.
I heard a faint cracking sound behind me; twigs snapping on the impact of a shoe. I turned around quickly.
"Edward?"
A faint, "No." Followed by severe pain above my right eye.
Blackness surrounded me immediately. My body went limp as a blow struck me on top of my head. I swayed and crumpled to the ground, where my mind joined the blackness and dragged me under…
-*-/EPOV\\-*-
Are we alone?
Is there more than we believe in?
Haunting these walls
Shadows crawling out, revealing
Fear in me, Stays in me
The nightmares inside here
My dark fears
All in my head again
The nightmares I might hear
All my tears pull me through hell again
I wake in the night
And I pray that I've been dreaming
There's nowhere to hide
From this nightmare calling to me
Fear in me, Stays in me
Through Hell
By: We are the Fallen
My eyes fluttered open and my body lurched forward in an attempt to collect oxygen into my lungs. The sweat poured off my forehead, and my knees shook as I placed my hand above my heart and gasped.
"Jesus Christ," I muttered in my disoriented state.
It had been so long since I'd fallen asleep and had a nightmare. I sat up and looked around the dark, cluttered room.
My room.
I placed my head in my hands as I slowly remembered. I had to get out of that clearing, away from things that reminded me of her. Of Bella. I had come up to my room, only to find that fucking afghan that smelled like her. It was too much. I had lain down and must have drifted off.
I swung my eyes over to the clock on my night table; nearly ten at night.
"Fuck," I swore as I got up to head for the bathroom. "So much for dream catchers."
I rinsed my face with cold water and wiped it with a towel. I glanced in the mirror at myself and scowled.
"You look like shit," I told my reflection. "You are shit."
She was gone; never coming back. In the days since she had left, whenever she would sleepwalk back into Eden, I would watch her from the shelter of the trees, but never, ever, touched her. I wanted to keep the silent promise I made to her, and let her go. As hard as it was, I would do it. I was late tonight, though. She would be in Eden soon.
I left the bathroom and headed down the stairs and out of the house, careful not to slam the door and wake Carlisle. I reached the end of the trees and headed down the familiar path to the clearing, where I would wait until I heard her coming, then hide among the dense foliage and watch her in silence.
I reached the clearing, and was just about to walk over and sit on the log, when I heard a crunching sound from beneath my sneakers. It did not sound like twigs, so I peered down.
"What the fuck?" I yelled, squinting down at the ground as I moved my shoe.
I bent down to get a closer look at it.
The dream catcher.
It lay in two pieces on the floor on the orchard, the feathers trampled. Some of the beading was broken, and some was completely missing.
"How the fuck did this get here?" I questioned, lifting the pieces and inspecting them. I looked around on the ground for more of the dream catcher when I saw it; a small, folded piece of parchment lying a few feet away. I walked over and picked it up, tucking the broken dream catcher under my arm. I opened it and held it up so that the light of the moon illuminated the words:
I will be in the clearing, tonight,
Please let me talk to you.
"What the fuck is going on?"
I didn't write that. I didn't even move the dream catcher from its spot where I hung it on the tree across from her log. My heart began to race as I started to piece things together.
Somebody lured her here. Someone did something to Bella.
The sheer panic in my throat rose like bile. I felt my world spin; give away and collapse. I backed up slowly at first, and then turned and ran back the way I had come.
"ISABELLA!" I screamed as loud as I could as I went along. "ISABELLA!"
As I neared the end of the tree line, I was stopped cold.
A scream in the distance…
A dark figure…
"I can't let you go, Edward," the voice said, coldness seeping in each and every word.
"Where's Bella?" I asked breathlessly. "Something happened to her!" I yelled desperately.
"I know," the calm voice assured me. "But I can't let you help her."
I tried to make sense in my brain of everything that was happening, but I couldn't concentrate. The shadowy figure blocked the pathway, and with the denseness of the trees to the left and right, I would not make it more than a few feet without being caught—or shot-or whatever the fuck this person wanted with me.
"I'm sorry, Edward. It has to be this way," the voice said, nonchalantly.
I whipped my eyes to the shadowy head to which the voice belonged to.
"Rose?" I breathed out, disbelievingly.
"I'm sorry, Edward," Rose replied darkly.
There was silence at first. But, as the light of the moon filtered across her disfigured face, and the concentration in her eyes reflected back to me, I felt it. It started at the bottom of my pant legs, and there was nothing I could do.
As the fire spread up my legs, I crumbled to my knees, dropping the dream catcher as I did and, unintentionally, smashing it with my palm.
The moonlight faded away as I withered in pain, and I could feel my skin heat with each lick of the flames.
I repeated one word over and over as I desperately tried to fan the flames that were coursing up my body.
"Isabella."
A/N:
Thanks to my stand-in Beta, who is amazing, xlavendermoonx. Check out her work!
Personal Note:
I recently lost everything I own. My outlines, my overviews, all my fanfiction chapters to all my stories…everything. I have nothing to go on. I have to 'wing' each chapter and lead it down a path I hope will still engage readers, as all my typed plans and notes are gone. I therefore have decided to STOP all fanfictions, except this one (only 3 chapters plus the epilogue left). I am so sorry!
Please review, lovelies….
©UndelvedInterpretations/ *2010*/*Eventual Eden*/*No reproduction OR editing of this story permitted.