You Will Be Mine
A/N: Cheers guys for the favourites and alerts. Reviews would be appreciated as then I can get an outsider insight into the story. Enjoy!
Plus I'd like to thank TwilihtFanfor the in-depth review, it's nice to know what you thought worked, it made my crappy day good!
I'm not so sure about this chapter, I thought it was a little boring... please share your opinion!
This story is rated M for a reason, I have a couple of lemons planned and some violence will be depicted throughout.
Disclaimer: The Twilight Saga totally belongs to Stephenie Meyer, however, the plot is all mine!
Chapter Four: Forever at hand
As I lay alone in my bed the next morning I was not consumed by grief as I previously thought I would have been. I must admit that I wasn't entirely happy either. My thoughts and emotions swirled around me at an amazing pace and made my insides twist into hideous knots. I was overwhelmed by the temporary feeling of dizziness and shot up from my position. I faced the blank wall; my mind used the empty canvas as a projection screen and played the events of last night back to me. Everything was crystal clear as I had not held any desire towards the consumption of alcohol.
This wasn't a wake. It was a god damn rave. I remember thinking a little bitterly as I arrived at my house at around nine. That may have been a slight exaggeration, but I had always thought of wakes as solemn, silent and full of people on the verge of tears. It seemed that many of Esme's friends shared her boisterous and fun-loving traits. That is without mentioning her family. Alice was far gone, stumbling aimlessly around the house, rambling about irrelevancies. No one noticed her intoxication, as they were all very much the same as her. That is except Bella and I, little Bella. She trailed inquisitively behind me, her eyes scanning every corner and crevice. The same age as my youngest, Edward and by far the most grown up in the whole building. She even rose above me as she spent most of her night assuring me that everything would be better. I just nodded in a melodramatic fashion each time and shrugged rudely. I couldn't admit that her words softened my core and eased the deeply rooted pain within me. Every time she left I saw her lying in the unmerciful snow, bloodstained and cold. I felt like poison. My down trodden mood wasn't affecting her at all as she soon slapped me playfully around the face and asked me to dance. The touch of her flesh on mine made my skin tingle in delight. She really did influence me; she made the slit in my heart shallow.
"Oh, I don't think I'm in any mood to be dancing Bella." I said as she tugged at my blazer mimicking a child.
"I don't dance – ever! Carlisle, you need to cheer up."
If she didn't dance, then why did she want to endure it? She really wanted to look out for me. How could I refuse her kindness? Except dancing really wasn't what I wanted to do.
"If I promise to improve my mood, will you promise we won't have to dance?" I offered.
She hesitated, obviously measuring up the authenticity of my suggestion. I began before she could formulate a response. "Look, we can sit in my garden. It's snowing again, so it should be empty. We can talk away from all the..." I swiftly twisted my head scanning the entire room before deciding on an appropriate adjective. "...drunks."
She nodded and I grabbed her hand gently and steered her towards the back door. I let go as we passed through. I walked through the deepening snow, it clung the bottom of my trousers awkwardly. At the opposite end of the garden, slightly raised above the rest, was a bare bench sheltered by a thick rose bush. I sat down and waited patiently for Bella to join me. From this vantage point it was possible to look over the whole garden, it was magnificent. Even though the scenery wasn't as well kempt as I had been used to. It was almost like a protrusion of myself. I smiled a small smile at the thought.
"What's made you smile?" Bella asked as she sat beside me, looking a little shocked. She ran her hands through her snow covered hair and shivered. Without thinking I pulled her closer to me. My arm rested on her shoulder. I expected her to shrug away; I was shocked at my actions so she must have been wary too. Instead, she wriggled closer. I pretended to ignore to prominent intimacy and continued with the conversation.
"Look around you Bella." I instructed. "This garden was once trimmed to the point of perfection. Every blade of grass was in proportion with its neighbour; the bush above us here was free of thorns and would have never been as thick as you see it now. The list goes on."
"I don't see the humour?" she looked genuinely confused. I did understand her bewilderment when I soon remembered that she did not know of me before this terrible mess. She only knew me as a broken man.
"I feel this garden is an ample projection of me. Like a metaphor." Her expression did not change so I continued. "I had it all Bella, beautiful wife, three successful children, a satisfying career and a well-kept appearance. Now, my wife is dead, Edward blamed me for this, I don't think I can ever work again and well... look at me!" I said a little too loud. I felt myself drop into a slight hysteria, like I was drowning, and just like being pulled out of the murderous ocean by a life guard, Bella yanked my head up from her shoulder and ran her fingers through my wild hair.
"Shh..." she cooed at me softly, "Carlisle you are beautiful."
My heart began to race. I was speechless.
"This is an awful time for you. Who cares if your garden isn't perfect, or your appearance is a little off. You are a beautiful person and people can see that. They don't care about your slightly matted hair!" I scoffed a little at her joke and removed her hand from my hair taking it in my own.
"Thank you Bella. I feel like I have known you all my life, but it has been mere hours. You see, I feel like I have a deep cut inside me and whenever you are near it seems to heal. Sometimes, I think it has nearly vanished until you leave. You make me happy again Bella. I need a friend like you. Please be here for me."
Her hand tightened around mine.
"I'll be here whenever you need me, Carlisle." She smiled. "Except, I have to go now. It's eleven and that's the time Charlie said we were leaving. You know how he is with parties!" she winced a little and waved me goodbye as she wandered to the door.
As soon as my mind finished showing me my conversation with Bella a new wave of emotions fell on me. I was crushed under repentance and guilt. I regretted taking so much pleasure in her company. It was wrong. But I couldn't let it stop; she was the only thing apart from my children that could keep me sane. Unfortunately for me, Alice and Emmett were leaving that afternoon. Bella would soon be my only resolve. I peeked at the clock to my left. It was twelve in the afternoon, which was rather late for me. At that time I had normally been up for hours, wallowing in self misery. My once tensed muscles now felt slightly at ease. The window did not give away the time as the sky was thick with dark grey clouds floating threateningly above.
I threw on some clothes as fast as I could manage in my sleepy haze, knowing that my children would be gone soon, wanting desperately to keep them within my walls for as long as possible.
"Dad, nice of you to join us!" grinned Emmett.
"Oh stop shouting Emmett." Alice growled as she massaged her temples in agony. I laughed.
"Hangover Alice?" I teased. She simply nodded and stalked out of the room mumbling to herself. I then turned to Emmett who looked a lot better than his sister as he stormed down a massive bowl of cereal.
"What time are you leaving?" I asked a little nervous as he finished.
"Hmm, I'm not sure actually." He looked a little guilty. "You would have to ask Alice, but you know Dad, it's going to be okay."
Smiling flakily I grabbed the local paper from the table. It was soaked in orange juice, I glared mockingly at Emmett he chuckled lightly still with a culpable expression on his face.
"Nothing interesting." I sighed and tossed the newspaper to one side. Emmett soon left me alone to pack his stuff from his old room. I waited patiently in the kitchen looking glumly out the window onto the drive. As I watched the many cars speed past my house I felt myself empty. It occurred to me that this was how it was going to be from now. Watching the clock tick by as my whole self deteriorated, I played with the collar of my shirt. I had not planned to go back to work, saving the lives of others now seemed extremely unimportant as the one life I cared about the most had perished.
I watched as my children waved to me from their cars, each parting their separate ways. Divided our family was, but they were happy in their disconnection. I was not, but I wasn't about to be selfish.
A week or two passed by, Christmas decorations sprung up from all around wrapping the exterior of every house in an array of gold, green, red and silver. Heavy snow rested untouched on the ground and layered the tops of buildings like icing on a fairy cake. I still remained inside, only venturing out of the solitude of my home to buy food. I had not decorated my house. It stood out like a sore thumb next to its vibrant neighbours.
Unfortunately, it was one of those days when I had to go out to keep myself alive. I sometimes wondered why I even bothered; who or what was I living for exactly? The hospital had phoned a few times and each time I told them that I needed time. This was a lie. I didn't need time; I needed some sort of miracle. My state of being was pathetic. I scowled at my reflection in the hallway mirror as I resentfully pulled on my thick winter coat. I pushed back my hair in some half-way attempt to look presentable before gawkily heading out of my door. The intensity of the sunlight hit me hard and I squinted as I ploughed through the snow.
I drove through the dense snow down the winding country roads. The further I was displaced from my house the more uncomfortable I felt. However that was nothing compared to the overpowering feeling of exposure that hit me as I stepped out of my car into the heavy rush of the town. The air was thick with the smell of people; a smell I had become unaccustomed to. My body rejected the odour and I gagged a little as I pushed my way through the solid forest of people. My ears twanged in response to the loud buzz of enthusiastic conversation, and I moved faster desperately seeking refuge. I found it in a supermarket about ten minutes from where I had parked. I exhaled in relief as I registered that the establishment was almost deserted. I rushed around the store, absent-mindedly tossing items into my trolley, lost in my thoughts. I didn't check to see what I was buying as I frantically rushed towards the checkout. A noisy clang stopped me in my tracks and I froze. My items were displaced all over the floor combined with other random products. My heart began to race at the thought of interacting with another human being and I lifted my head from the floor. My eyes fused with hers. Deep chocolate in colour and hidden slightly beneath her wild dark hair, she smiled as she recognised me. I think I smiled to; it had been too long to remember what smiling felt like.
"Carlisle, how are you!" she chimed merrily. Too thunderstruck to react I just stood staring dumbly at her face.
"Hello? Carlisle, are you okay?" she asked, less merry now, more alarmed. I wanted to scream at her, tell her I was okay but no words could escape me. My knees caved and smacked to the ground, I became dizzy. I wobbled in my place, still unable to respond. I felt pathetic, helpless and most of all abnormal. A small crowd was beginning to form around me and I just couldn't stay silent any longer.
"I have... to get o-out of here! Leave me alone!" I cried.
Bella's expression was grave she reached a hand to me I tried to receive it, but I was unsuccessful. Then everything was black.
Dim but dazzling lights floated around me, they swirled and twirled. I tried to reach out to touch them but I could not move. They danced tauntingly, beckoning me to feel them, laughing at me as I was paralysed by their grace.
"Carlisle." They chanted fruitlessly. When they faded away momentarily I was aghast. Then they came back brighter and my eyes stung, I now saw shapes blur across my field of vision when they shuffled around me. As they continued to recite my name I became angry and tired. In one last attempt I strained my eyes and noticed that these lights and reflections were all components of a face, a beautiful face. Surprised by this discovery I tried to extend my arm once more, additionally surprised that my body responded this time. Even though it was a feeble movement it was something. The soft grasp of cool flesh met my wrist and I gasped at the contact. As the world around me began to sharpen and materialise I realised that I was in a small room foreign to me. The window was masked with thin purple curtains and didn't hide the intensity of the stars dotted across the dark sky. Looking around the room with my reinstated vision, I noted the deep oak floorboards, the small wardrobe in the corner of the room and the petite girl sitting on the edge of the bed where I lay, with her hand wrapped around my wrist. She drummed her fingers onto my skin and flicked her dark hair from her face revealing the worried expression in her profound eyes. She pulled me up with a frustrated groan, and although she steadied me with her hand on my lower back I began to feel faint and my head flopped from my shoulders and rested on hers. She strained a laugh and hauled my head back up gently.
"You're a mess." She said quietly. I wanted to be funny and retort, I wanted to lighten the mood and relapse back into our simple friendship. Somehow I knew not to; it must have been the maddened appearance she presented to me.
"I know." I replied. That was all I could have managed at that time.
"You scared me, one minute I was entering the store, then I saw you running like a maniac towards the counters and you smashed right into me!" she half laughed, "I thought you were playing some sort of joke. But when I tried to talk to you, you turned into a zombie and just stared at me like I was the weirdo!" she let go of my hand and her eyes were not sad anymore, they were furious and scared. "I was so angry! But then... you just blacked out, you fell into your trolley! I wanted to laugh, but then I realised that you were completely unconscious. I took you to the hospital and they said that you would be okay if rested. I was a bit sceptical, but here you are..." I raised an eyebrow at her, "...in my room." She finished.
"Oh Bella, I don't know what I would do if I didn-"
"Be quiet Carlisle, you need to rest. But before you do I need to ask you a question." She bit her lip and it sent a surge of desire down my spine. I was disgusted at myself. "Why didn't you come to visit me?" she blurted out, "I mean like this past week and a bit I haven't seen you at all!"
I wish I had been confused, but I knew why she had asked this. I had told her that she temporarily made me feel whole, and then completely disappeared. She must have thought that I was some kind of psychopathic freak. I suppose I was. If anything I was at least a little agoraphobic. I scoffed at myself, seeing humour for the first time in days. I was very agoraphobic. Soon realising that Bella was still staring at me I faltered a little.
"Well..." she spat bitterly.
"I'm afraid to leave." I confessed, "Even being here, in your room, makes me on edge. I just want to be home where I can immerse myself in her... and I don't want to forget."
"Carlisle you are mad." She stated and shook her head glumly, "Are you even at work?"
My lack of response must have screamed "NO!" at her as she turned away from me in haste.
"You fool! It's your passion; your whole self Carlisle is deteriorating! I can't even look at you; you're just disgusting to me right now."
"Bella, please." I begged her; my eyes were stinging as I fought back the tears. I failed and they flowed from me freely splattering my shame all over her bed sheets. My head soon followed their path and I heard my breath muffle against the warmth of her covers.
A minute or two, and soft lips brushed my moist cheek.
"I'm sorry." Equally soft words were whispered into my ear.
I nodded still buried in the quilt; silence descended uneasily upon us and I stiffened under the tension.
A/N: Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your opinions on where you think this is going. There are plenty of twists and turns and the story gets a bit more exciting from here I assure you!