Roy gestured to...his foster mother, Madame Christmas. She was having tapioca pudding.
"What now, Roy-boy?" She snapped, lighting up a fresh cigarette.
"Show them... it." he whispered.
"IT?" Madame Christmas shrieked, dropping her spoon and cigarette on the floor.
Roy nodded dramatically. "Yes. It."
"Are you sure?" asked Madame Christmas. "The likes of 'it' may very well render you a babbling idiot, forced to remain in an insane asylum for eternity,"
Ed punched her in the gut. "Shut up and show it to me, ya old hag."
"Very well," Madame Christmas punched Ed in the gut, then walked over to a steel door that had not been there before.
She opened the door, and Ed gasped. There were transvestite palm trees as far as the eye could see.
Al had wisely closed his eyes. "Brother, what is it? Please describe it to me as cleanly as possible!"
"A horde of tee pee tees," Ed said slowly. "Otherwise known as transvestite palm trees,"
"Brother..." Al asked, an innocent halo of light appearing behind him. "What's a trans-vez-ty?"
"The most despicable thing on the face of this earth," There was a evil glint in Ed's eye.
"So... a trans-vez-ty would be someone taller than you?" Al asked, an aura of innocence emanating from him.
Ed stared at Al in disbelief...how dare he mock his physical shape! "COME HERE, LITTLE BROTHER!"
Al ran joyfully to him. "Oh boy, am I getting a hug?" Suddenly, he found himself in a brothel.
"Excuse me, fair lady," Al tapped an employee on her shoulder. "Where am I?"
She turned around and screamed. "A TIN CAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
"Nooo!" Al whined. "I'm stuck here... in a place called..." He read a sign by the front door. "The Fantasy Club?" The name was not familiar to him.
"Wait a minute..." Al suddenly had an epiphany. "This is Colonel Mustang's happy fun time place!" The mere realization caused Al to have a nervous breakdown. Of course, everyone ignored him.
Meanwhile, back where Ed, Roy, and Madame Christmas were, the transvestite palm trees began to break-dance.
Ed scratched his head. "So. What do these palm trees have to do with your 60 incurable STDs, ROY-BOY?"
"You're not allowed to call me Roy-boy," Roy burned Ed to a crisp as a certain transvestite palm tree named Envy stopped break-dancing and walked up to the three.
Ed uncrispified himself. "Who's she?" he asked, pointing at Envy.
"Me?" Envy pointed at him...her...itself. "I am a transvestite palm tree of the highest quality," He continued, referring to himself as if he were a piece of beef.
"Oh." Ed sidled up to the palm tree and compared heights. His hair antenna made him one inch taller than Envy. Ed smiled and made a mental note to always be nice to transvestite palm trees.
Envy examined Ed in a slightly awkward way. "You're fugly, no one would want to have a hot lemon with you,"
Ed frowned. "You wanna bet?"
But alas, they could not go through with it, for at that moment, Ed's fangirls crashed through the ceiling and began to have a million-some with the hapless alchemist.
"NOOO!" Ed screamed, as he was violated by a million-some hands. Envy pouted, as he had not a single fangirl. Except for that one stalker who tried to eat him once...but otherwise, none of the female gender wished to make babies with him.
Suddenly, Envy had an idea. "FANBOYS! COME TO ME!" A mob of troubled teenage boys ran to the transvestite palm tree and they had a ten million-some.
Ed looked at Envy. He was jealous. His original decision to be nice to all transvestite palm trees was now null.
"Die." Ed charged Envy. A holy light shined from his automail blade.
"Eh?" Envy looked up from his ten million-some. He shooed his fanboys away.
"Ed, can't we be civilized people and talk about this in front of a therapist or something?" Envy pleaded.
"Therapists are for crazy people," The obviously crazy person yelled as he activated BATTLE MODE.
Envy gulped and hid behind his 10 million fanboys. However, they were unwilling to be his shield, and instead went off to fanboy over something else.
Ling Yao gasped for air as he was glomped simultaneously by 10 million fanboys. "SAVE MEEE~!"
With a malicious grin, Envy transformed into his true form, and not the puny one, mind you, but the monstrous badass one.
Ed's jaw dropped. "NOOOOO!" He wailed, breaking out into hives. "I'M BADASS-INTOLERANT!"
The transvestite palm tree smirked to himself, already envisioning his victory party, complete with balloons and a live performance by the Bieber boy himself. "BEGONE, SHRIMP ALCHEMIST!"
Ed perked up. "WHO DID YOU JUST CALL A SPECK OF COSMIC DUST~?"
Ling appeared. "I did."
"PREPARE FOR TOTAL ANNIHILATION~!" Within seconds, Ling was half dead, and was in front of the pearly gates.
God looked him up and down. "Sorry, Ling," he said. "You don't meet the Heavenly Criteria."
But as Ling blinked, he found himself back where he had fallen, and with Lan Fan hovering over him while holding a defibrillator.
"CLEAR!" she barked, zapping him with enough electricity to kill a small elephant.
"I'm alive already!" Ling managed to say as purple lightning emanated from his body.
*bzzzzp* He was back at the Gates of Pearl.
"I thought I already rejected you," said God, tapping away at his laptop. He giggled, pressed a key, and half of Amestris was stricken by swine flu. By some perverse probability ratio, all the major characters of FMA were still healthy.
Ling squinted his already squinty eyes at God. "You better not do anything to Xing."
"I suppose not...at least not today, I have a prayer fulfillment session today," Using his omnipotent power, God sent Ling back down to earth.
"Huh...wuzzat?" Ling groggily opened his eyes. He was back in Xing and dressed in a monkey suit of royal clothing.
"Ling Yao, you are now...the emperor of Xing," Lan Fan prostrated herself on the floor.
AN: Please don't be offended by our mention of God. He probably won't appear again in this story unless another one bites the dust. On a lighter note, strange plot twists are very fun indeed.