Ling watched his bodyguard offer her body to him. "Girl, what you doin'?"

Lan Fan shrugged. "Whoring myself to the most powerful man in Xing, I suppose."

"Hmm..." Ling reflected over Lan Fan's words. "In that case, please continue."

So Lan Fan continued, taking Ling's virginity in the process. Fu watched with hungry eyes. He began to have a flashback of a time when he was still young and supple.

-Begin Flashback-

A 20 year old Fu flexed his young and supple muscles. He scoped out the nightclub for an equally young and supple woman to take to bed. Suddenly, he was glomped by his 10 million fangirls.

"Unhand me, or the wrath of Fu will overtake our village," said Fu, shaking them off with ease with his young and supple-ness.

-End Flashback-

Lan Fan finished her young and supple business with Ling.

Fu sighed. "Ah... back when this anime was called Fu-metal Alchemist... those were the good days." He wiped a tear from his wrinkly and liver-spotted cheek.

Suddenly, the youngsters realized that Fu had been watching them all this time. "Grandpa! Get out of here!" yelled Lan Fan.

"Why, back in my day..." Fu left, grumbling about 'respect', 'honor', and 'Damn it, I want to watch'.

Ling watched the pedophile leave. "Shall we continue?"

Lan Fan nodded. "Let's."

Meanwhile, back in Central, Ed and Envy were still doing battle. Despite his face swelling up from all the badass, Ed was doing fairly well. Unfortunately, he wasn't doing well enough.

"DIE, ENVY!" Ed screamed, firing at Envy from point-blank range. He missed.

Al watched from the sidelines. "I want to change my bet from Ed to Envy," He told the bookie.

Envy smirked. "You hear that, shorty? Your brother's betting on ME to win!" Envy maniacally cackled. He took out a mirror and adjusted his hair, so he would look smashing at his victory party.

Ed gave one last uber-kawaii-chibi look at Al, and passed out.

"I WIN!" Envy screamed to the heavens.

God looked down. "Euuurrrggg..." He shuddered. "DIE, YOU FREAK OF NATURE!" He readied his 'God powers'. However, they were only at 50%, and would not produce an effective attack if used.

"Aw, hell." God snapped, and ate a battery. It brought his power up to 55%.

"Get yo' ass in here, Gabriel, and bring me 9 more batteries, goddammit!" God was in his beeyotch mode.

"We only have 8 left," said Gabriel nervously, fearing God's retaliation. "And annother thing, sir, why do you want to damn yourself?"

A vein popped out of God's forehead anime style. "RREARGGHHH~!" He roared, unleashing a powerful demonic wrath onto the world.

Gabriel sighed and dove into his hidey-hole.

Back in Xing, Ling and Lan Fan were having a serious conversation.

"Ling..." Lan Fan uttered, sparkling eyes at maximum power. "I'm... a transvestite."

The emperor's eyes bugged out. "But earlier...you had all the right anatomy,"

Lan Fan smiled pityingly. "Ling, you naive little emperor..." She began to give him a lecture on the female anatomy.

After her speech was finished, Ling began to violently convulse at the thought of what he had just engaged in.

Several of his fanboys surrounded him with huggles. "Aw, Ling-kewn, we all love you!"

"GEROFF ME!" Ling roared, standing up with such thunder and force that the tea set in front of him cracked. "I AIN'T GAY!"

"Really now," Lan Fan's eyes continued to sparkle at a level far beyond their maxiumum power. "The way you were holding me just a hour ago, why, that was pure 100% grade A gay,"

Ling clasped his hands and turned to the heavens. "GOD! SMITE ME, NOW!" The omnipotent one was more than happy to comply.

"WITH MY EPIC POWERS OF EPICNESS..." God ate the remaining batteries. "I SHALT SMITE THEE!" However, his power level had only gone up to 95%, and so the smite-ing was not quite...complete.

Ling's disembodied head glowered at God. "You suck!" Gabriel, wanting to avoid trouble, used his own power to completely smite Ling for good.

Suddenly, God remembered something. "Gabriel? You're just a puny archangel. YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS STORY!" Immediately, Gabriel vaporized, but not before dragging God along with him.

"NOOOOO!" God bellowed, before being dragged into Hell. "GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT ALL TO HELL!"

"...well then," said Lan Fan, turning back to HIS own fanboys. "Now that everything is more or less back to normal, we can proceed with life,"

Ling's head whimpered. "Will nobody donate their body to the Emperor of Xing?"

"Go away," Lan Fan kicked Ling away as if he were a soccer ball, and proceeded to lemon the night away. Meanwhile, Ling rolled out onto the street and into a river, where he fell in and drowned.

Meanwhile, Envy was in the middle of his victory party. It was a grand event of momentous importance, taking priority over birth, death, and world domination - however, no one else was there.

"Man," Envy sulked. "I sent invitations to EVERYONE! I'm so... UNPOPULAR!" he sobbed. Scar watched from the side, unsure of how to console the transvestite palm tree with his sexy hobo powers. He settled for some flowers and chocolate.

"Do not worry, gay Homunculus," said The Sexy Hobo, holding out two wilted tulips and a half eaten bar of Hershey's. "I come bearing gifts of joy and pleasure, in hopes that you will regain your fighting mojo, and perhaps seize the day once more,"

Envy, sniffling up snot, gratefully accepted the gifts of joy and pleasure. "Thank you, sexy hobo," He managed to say as he burst into a fresh round of sobbing.

Scar handed him a booger-encrusted handkerchief. Envy accepted it and blew his nose, spewing fresh bogeys onto the cloth. "Gee, sexy hobo, I sure do appreciate you coming to my party..." Envy stuttered.

"What did you say? Speak clearly, I can't understand stuttering. Anyways, I have to leave now, my fangirls are holding an entire weekend convention in my honor," Scar dramatically exited, leaving Envy in tears.

"Noob." Scar chuckled to himself. Unfortunately, when he opened the door, he saw Ed in the middle of a deliberate Alphonse butt-grope.

"Sexy Hobo!" exclaimed the Shrimp Alchemist, forcing his arms back to his sides. "I didn't know you were in town today!"

"Hm." Scar narrowed his eyes at Ed. "Alphonse, is this shrimp bothering you?"

"Well...I..." Al dragged out his reply. "The truth is, I..."

AN: Crack is good, except when it's bad.