Once again, everyone gasped.

Winry gasped. "Son? ENVY'S SON?" She fainted.

Instantly, Ed was at her side. "This is the perfect situation," He cackled to himself, undoing her pants.

Pinako gasped. "Winry! Quick, run away from the short rapist!" Winry could not respond, as she was still out cold.

Trisha gasped. Only it sounded more like a roar. "EDWARD ELRIC, YOU LET GO OF WINRY RIGHT NOW!"

Envy's son sighed. "The short one shall pay," In a flash, he had pulled Ed off of Winry, and thrown him to Envy.

Ed looked at Envy, who was frothing at the mouth. "Yo, Envy's son! What's up with your old man here?"

"I think he's insane!" Envy's son called back. "After all, the only thing he's done for ten years was going to gay bars and hooking up,"

Pinako gasped again. "Ed, you little runt, Envy's in heat! Run away, run away!" she sobbed into a handkerchief, mourning the fate of the very person who had just tried to molest her granddaughter moments ago.

Sure enough, Envy was in heat. He lunged at Ed. "I MUST HAVE HIS VIRGINITY~!"

Ed smirked. "Sorry, but I lost mine 15 YEARS AGO!" He muahaha-ed to himself.

Envy skidded to a halt. "No...impossible...how could a shrimp like you get laid so early?"

"Hn." Ed sneered. "When I was just a fetus, my mother's umbilical cord and I had relations."

Trisha nodded. "It's true."

Envy faltered. "Er... hmm... I MUST HAVE ALPHONSE'S VIRGINITY!"

But alas, Al was a tin can, and as every SMART transvestite palm tree knows, tin cans do not have virginity. Al giggled as Envy attempted to take his nonexistent virginity. "Stop! That tickles!"

Trisha narrowed her eyes at the gay transvestite palm tree. "TRISHA DOES NOT APPROVE OF YOUR RAPIST SHENANIGANS!"

Envy sniffled sadly. "All I ever wanted was to join the PTA..."

"DADDY!" Envy's son stomped his foot. "If you don't join the PTA I will go to your bed at night and I will cut open your head and eat your brains as you sleep!"

Trisha nodded. "It's true."

A PTA member walked up to Envy and handed him a sheet of paper and a pen. "Give us a completed application form and five dollars, then you will be part of our club."

Envy dug around in his miniskirt. "Do you take travelers' checks?"

"NO," said the PTA member. "Travelers' checks are for people who can't be bothered to have real checks,"

"Fine..." Envy rummaged around his pockets, buy didn't find any money. "Er... Son? Do you have any money to lend to your old man?"

Envy's son stuck his hands in his pockets and whistled as he scraped around. "All I have is three arcade tokens, a stick of gum, and a chodegina."

The PTA's leader stepped up. "Give us the tokens, gum, and chodegina. We'll let you become a junior member."

The transvestite palm tree turned to his son. "Won't you give me your tokens, gum, and chodegina like a good boy?"

Envy's son smirked. "Get down on your hands and knees and beg."

"wh-what?" Envy shrieked girlishly. "I am your father! Thou shalt not disgrace me in such a way!"

"You have two choices here: Beg, or have your brains eaten." Envy's son yawned and checked his watch. "My favorite TV show starts in ten minutes. I suggest you make your decision quickly,"

Envy tried to make up his mind. "Er... I'll... nah... I guess I'd better... nope..."

"Hurry up, we haven't got all day," All the PTA members checked their watches in unison.

"ALRIIIIIGHT!" Envy's eyes shone with a manic light. "I'LL BEG! YA HAPPY NOW?"

"Very much so," Envy's son watched his father get down on his knees.

"Why I oughta..." Envy bowed at his son's feet, grumbling and cursing the whole time.

Envy's son frowned. "You have to beg too."

"Oh, greatest son ever," Envy's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Please, if it does not burden you much, could you possibly give me the contents of your pockets?"

"...not good enough," said Envy's son. "The language must be more eloquent, the meaning more sincere. You must be willing to give your soul to me."

"..." Envy glowered at him. "Oh, my pulchritudinous offspring, mayn't thou givest me your paltry chattel, and saveth me from an indubital end?" He batted his eyelashes for extra sincerity. His child sighed and held out his bounty, acting as if it pained him to do it.

Envy shrieked and giggled as he filled out the application form. "Do I get to be a member of your club now?" He asked, hope filling his eyes.

"No. You're only a junior member," said the PTA leader, taking Envy's payment and application form.

"But..." Envy looked confused. "What's the difference between a senior member and a junior member?"

The PTA leader sighed. "A senior member can attend meetings, voice their opinion, vote, and eat the complimentary refreshments, whereas the junior members do all the slave work, like running bake sales and chaperoning field trips." To further emphasize his point, he took a cookie and stuffed it into his mouth. All the PTA members behind him also started nomming away at various snack foods.

Envy drooled a bit. He reached for a brownie. A female PTA member slapped his hand away.

Ed put on his chibi face and reached for some crudites. A different PTA member slapped his hand away. "You have to be a senior member of the PTA to eat these refreshments."

"But.." Ed pouted and turned on his sparkly eyes to 100% power. "I want snacks too!"

The PTA leader turned onto him, eyes sparkling menacingly. "Are you a parent or teacher?"

"Er..." Ed guessed. "A... teacher?"

"Who is your student?

Ed was about to tell an elaborate fabricated story, but then a shadowed figure entered the room. "I am...the apprentice of Sir Edward Elric,"

AN: Now that we've met Envy's son, it's time to get acquainted with Ed's student! What fun.