For the second time, everyone gasped at the same time.

Winry recovered from her faint. "...Who... are you?"

"I?" Ed's student assumed a mighty pose. "I am the apprentice of Sir Edward Elric,"

The gears in Ed's primitive brain began to turn. "But... Me no remember you!" he gasped.

Al wanted to help. "Brother, remember the time that you took him out to the mountains to train with you for a year?" He asked, hoping that it would jog Ed's memory.

Ed still didn't remember, but pretended to, so he wouldn't seem stupid in front of Winry. "Oh yeah, I remember now."

His apprentice narrowed his eyes at his teacher. "Then tell me, how many bears did we kick in the balls on that long ago Saturday evening?"

"Er..." Ed guessed. "Negative two?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew they were wrong.

To his great surprise, his apprentice grinned. "Correct!" He embraced Ed in a non-homosexual way.

Ed grimaced and pushed his assaulter away. "No touchy."

Pinako looked at them suspiciously. "Ed?" She called out innocently. "I can't seem to remember your student's name... perhaps you could remind me?" She smiled deviously.

Ed was about to say something, but his student cut him off. "My name is...kOseofngr. You may call me Ko for short,"

The PTA leader stepped forward. "Edward Elric, you have proven yourself to be a teacher. Now, if you turn in the application form and five dollars, you can become a senior member."

So Ed filled out the application form and paid the dues. Envy watched him in...dare I say...envy.

After Ed paid, he grabbed a Ho Ho. The PTA members cheered. Ko nodded in approval.

A vein in Envy's forehead bulged. An angelic Envy and a demonic Envy appeared on each of his shoulders.

The angelic Envy twanged its harp. "Envy, you should go up to Ed and congratulate him!"

"No!" whined the demonic Envy. "Go kill Ed and his arm candy like the badass you are!"

Envy shrugged. "Well, until we can reach a consensus here, I'm not going to do anything."

The demonic Envy smirked as he threw his pitchfork into the heart of the angelic Envy. "Obey me, now,"

"Welp," Envy got up and beelined towards Ed and Ko. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

"...and that's how you make a Fuzzy Navel," Ed finished lecturing Ko.

Suddenly, Ed felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Envy, with devil-Envy perched on his head.

"ME KILLS YOU!" shrilly shrieked devil-Envy, throwing his pitchfork at Ed, and slicing off his antenna.

Without his antenna, Ed was shorter than Envy. Ko was not pleased. He flicked devil-Envy into a nearby toilet.

"Teacher, you are too short for my liking," Ko took out a gun and shot himself dead.

The PTA's members all looked at Ed menacingly. "You are no longer a teacher, therefore you must relinquish your membership." The PTA leader snatched the half-eaten Ho Ho from Ed's hands. Ed donned his best set of sparkly eyes as he reached out for his half-eaten Ho Ho.

"Please, sir," Ed whimpered in an English accent. "I haven't had any food for days."

"That's not true!" exclaimed Al. "You ate everything in that buffet last Saturday!"

The PTA leader checked his calender. "That was yesterday."

Ed first looked angry, then displeased, then disappointed, then ready to kill.

Seeing this, Trisha ran up to him and gave him a hug. "Remember, Ed, killing is bad."

"Killing is good," said Ed, transmuting his automail blade and holding it up at the PTA leader's neck.

He reluctantly handed the Ho Ho back to Ed. Ed nommed on it happily. That is, until he was handed a bill.

"What is this?" exclaimed the Shrimp Alchemist.

"A bill, for the Ho Ho you just ate." The PTA leader was wearing neck armor this time.

Ed skimmed over it, his eyes going bloodshot. "This says I have to pay a million cenz for a half-eaten Ho Ho!"

"Ho Hos are very expensive," said a random PTA member. "They cost me my salary for the month,"

Ed continued to read the bill's fine print. "I also have to... give up ownership of my soul... sell Alphonse into sex slavery... have relations with Mustang..." Ed went green.

"You already ate it, so you must pay," The PTA leader took out a small comb and ran it through his hair. A female PTA member sighed and looked at him lustfully.

Al didn't want to be sold into slavery, especially not sex slavery. So he ran and hid behind Trisha.

"There, there," said Trisha. "Mommy won't let them sell you into slavery,"

Al sucked his thumb. "Mommy, the bad people scare me."

The PTA leader walked up to Al and Trisha. "Little boy, come with us. We have candy,"

"Candy?" Al forgot about everything else. "I want candy!" He giggled. Some PTA members led Al to a black van.

Ed checked number two off his list. "Now, all I have to do is give up ownership of my soul and do Mustang!" He thought happily.

"Did someone think about me?" Mustang and his 63 STDs arrived at the scene.

The PTA leader tapped his foot testily. "Hurry up. And don't forget the million cenz."

Mustang looked around quizzically. "Huh?"

Ed pulled down his own pants. "All right, let's get this over with."

AN: Prepare for a n00b lemon scene the likes of which you've never seen before.