Disclaimer: This is tag-team self-insertion fanfiction, set in the Evangelion universe. You've read the first bit, right? Still here? Good. None of the authors of this work have or lay claim to Neon Genesis Evangelion or the numerous books, movies, TV shows, anime series, and video games parodied in this story. Don't take this too seriously, and may the deity or deities of your choice forgive you for reading this tripe.
Neon Genesis Goonvangelion
Book 1: The Overdue Re-Write
Chapter 2: Who was that Masked Man? / Unfamiliar Everything
Fire spanned the horizon.
Burning buildings lit the cityscape in a hellish glow of red and orange. Tangled wrecks that used to be tanks and guns lay in ruin alongside whole fields of burning flesh once called soldiers. Wreckage of buildings, destroyed vehicles, and dead bodies shared space with spent ammunition on the battlefield, while a towering monstrosity of death painted gunmetal gray stood alone in the center of a crater over a thousand meters across.
The pilot of this walking nightmare was only getting started. Inside the cockpit, he let loose with an unearthly howl, despite the fact it would mess up the formatting. "!"
God damn it.
And just to piss off the narrator, the gunmetal gray Evangelion did likewise. "!"
With what would have been a halfway-decent introduction laid to ruin like much of the abused cityscape around the screaming behemoth, it locked eyes on the two targets standing at the edge of the crater.
Evangelions Unit-03 and 05, containing Andy's only link to his own world, and his two greatest rivals, Jared and John.
Each unit's armor was cracked in numerous places, scars from their recent struggles. The shoulder guards bulged grotesquely, tendrils of Angel infection wrapped around the plates. The alien appendages reflect the fiery glow of the leveled city, glistening like the wet mottled carapace of an alien hive queen.
More than a mile away, hiding behind what cover they could find, what remains of the JSSDF stood in awe, watching the three-way clash of titans. Invading NERV had been easy. Taking out the Evangelion weapon systems hadn't slowed them in the least. Unfortunately, that hadn't slowed the Evangelions either. Tearing into the JSSDF like armor-piercing rounds through so much wet toilet paper, the massive bio-mechanical war machines had only met their match when an Angel showed up in the middle of the fight, and infected two of the Evangelions. For now, the monsters battled each other, for now, the JSSDF could go about its business. But did the all-too-human soldiers stand a chance against God's weapons? Did they stand any chance at all?
But none of the monsters notices or cared about this, being too busy with going 'Godzilla.'
"BUUHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" Andy cackled at pavement-cracking volume. "IT'S TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF!"
Evangelion Unit-04 exploded into motion, metal-shod feet thundering across the battlefield, closing rapidly with the infected Unit-03. As the man-made Golem closed in on its Angelic target, it reached behind its back and grabbed an object with its right hand. A pole came free, extended, and in an instant, the progressive scythe was activated. In the next second, it was descending towards 03's head, the blade vibrating millions of times per second.
The weapon's arc concluded with deadly force, stopping mere centimeters from the hideous grinning visage of the possessed Unit-03, which was blocking the blow with an appropriately massive Murasume.
"SON OF A-" The remainder of Andy's scream was cut off by Unit-03 pulling back. Off-balance, Unit-04 tumbled forward, barely blocking a sneaky follow-up from the infected Evangelion. The two monstrous mecha quickly became a blurred nightmare of destruction and chaos as their progressive weapons slammed into each other with murderous force. Hundreds of times over the next few seconds they clashed, countless techniques called upon. Buildings and pavement alike crushed by mere proximity. The typhoon of destruction, cast about by dueling titans, shattering everything in their path.
The pair smashed, sliced, skewered, and otherwise completely obliterated the remaining landscape around the wreckage that used to be Tokyo-3 until Andy pointed wildly. "AN OPENING!"
Unit-03 actually looked around, growling in confusion.
Andy took ruthless advantage of his distraction and cut deep into Unit-03's chest. A massive fireball engulfed the two Eva's as 03's S2 organ went supercritical, taking the infected Eva, it's pilot, and a nice chunk of Tokyo-3 with it into the upper atmosphere.
As the superheated air around the blast crater slowly cleared, Unit-04 was revealed, unmarred and sheathing its scythe.
Andy was gloating, in full Vulture Mode. "I'll take his fanfics, his movies, his TV, and the Unreal Tournament game. BUWAHAHAHA-" He glanced over his shoulder. "OH SHIT!"
Unit-04 launched itself into the sky, barely dodging a charging Unit-05.
"NOW I'm in trouble!"
Unit-05, having halted, extended it own wings and launched into a homicidal pursuit of Unit-04 through the blood-red and smoke-choked skies of Tokyo-3.
In the cockpit of Unit-04, Andy was sweating bullets. "Think. Stay calm." He dodged a swing from Unit-05 and went into a sharp dive. "Think. Think. Thinkthinkthinkthink-GUNS!"
Beethoven's Ninth Symphony suddenly began playing, starting at the 'Ode to Joy' section. An electronic hum signaled the arrival of a pair of Automatic Palette Pistols. Each gun was thrust into the Eva's hand by armatures hidden in the arm gauntlets. The hum was matched by 05.
The sky came alive with the sound of thunderous gunfire as both giants wove and dodged in John Woo style, trying desperately to kill one another and look damn cool while doing it.
Only a dozen seconds later, Unit-04 had taken several hits, and so had 05. Inside 04's entry plug, a single message glared suddenly, indicating that the specially designed missiles in the shoulders had locked onto their target and were armed and ready.
The shoulder guards of 04 snapped open and unleashed a salvo of homing missiles-in full Robotech style-at 05. The Hornet missiles impacted just as 05's rocket ports opened, exposing a dozen warheads. The resulting mid-air explosion was like a portal to hell being opened above the earth. 05 plummeted helplessly from the inferno towards the ground, its body torn and blackened, its wings twisted stumps. It slammed into several skyscrapers and as it hit the ground, its S2 core went supercritical, taking another large chunk of the city with it.
"BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! THE WINNER! HAHAHAHA... HAHA... HUH?" Andy looked around as he caught movement out of the corner of his eye.
Around the Eva, a huge force of JSSDF hovergunships, tanks, fighter, bombers, and armored transport had moved in, and in the distance he could see thirteen giant flying wings with horribly familiar white oblongs beneath them. The Evangelion calmly landed. Stored its pistols. Drew its scythe... and launched itself towards its enemies at a dead sprint, bearing down on them like five thousand tons of pure death, the pilot laughing at the top of his lungs. "BUHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
The cockpit shuddered. The laughter went on. "WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!"
A woman's voice, faintly heard, almost pronounces Andy's name. "Andy?"
The entry plug shuddered more forcefully.
Not that Andy noticed. "WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!"
The female voice was louder. "Andy!"
And the whole world began to shake.
"AAAAAANDY!"
With a terrible shudder, the world ended.
In the darkness, the pilot spoke. "Huh? Wha?"
"You fell asleep again. CONCENTRATE!" John yelled.
The other people standing in the Entry Plug Test Deck tried to ignore the shouting American, his barbaric tongue and insult to their refined ears. By and large, the anonymous technicians didn't like the idea of America, and liked the idea of Americans even less. This trio of extreme examples of Americans was like poring acid into an open wound.
The good Doctor, trying to suffer the fools—the one in the Test Entry Plug, the one hitting the test entry plug with a large tool, and the one screaming into the communications microphone in his native tongue—was not in the least way pleased by how things were going. Her sarcasm was evident, magnified even, by Asuka's translation. "Jared, it was not necessary to use a sledgehammer to wake up Andy."
The young man grinned like an idiot at her. Impossibly, it didn't sound like whining. "But it was fun."
Both the Doctor and the Second Children sighed. "It's against regulations to—"
"But it was [fun]," Jared replied, bending the last word into a hypnotic assertion.
Ritsuko didn't even wait to hear the translation before backing down.
"Hoo-boy," John shook his head.
One of the technicians called for the test to end. Jared turned to watch, bemusedly, as a group of workers approached the Test Entry Plug. All wore green overalls and white gloves. Bright yellow rubber boots adorned their feet. Oddly, no-one wore a hair net or any kind of safety mask. The fact that Jared was hip-deep in LCL wearing his street clothes didn't seem to register with the Goon.
"You're a dead man!" Andy screamed as the door was opened. The technicians ran for cover as Andy ripped of the sensor wires attached all over his body and tripped out of the door and landed in the LCL. "WUAAA!"
Jared waited for Andy to stop thrashing around, stand, cough up some water, and assume what passed for a fighting stance before putting up his own fists. "Bring it on!"
The previous day:
The Americans were walking down yet another of NERV's seemingly endless corridors. Ritsuko guided them, with Kaji along to translate. The Americans looked closely at every detail that passed before their eyes, and pointed and exclaimed at anything shiny. For all that they were starry-eyed over the base, they didn't ask a lot of questions. Partially because they'd seen much of the base before in the anime, but mostly because John was still under the influence of the sedative given to him in the secure NERV hospital room, and Andy and Jared were having to essentially steer him along the corridor.
John sounded hopeful as he bounced between the other Americans like a belligerent ping-pong ball. "What's next? Fluid sample? Alien probes? Limb rearrangement? Mind control?"
"Bring it on!" Jared crowed, a Fist of Challenge raised. "Whatever you got, I can take it!"
"Hmm..." Andy eyed the ventilation grates.
"Don't be silly; it's just the psychiatric evaluation," said Ritsuko.
Before Kaji even began to translate, the Americans stopped dead in their tracks, almost causing Kaji to slam into them from behind. Puzzled, he stared at the trio. All three looked like they had just fought off the corpses of long-dead relatives using only a hair bush and a spork.
"AAAAHHHHHHHH!" Andy screamed.
"FUUUUBBBBAAAAAARRRRRREEEEDDDD!" John screamed.
"NINJA VANISH REVISED: TITANIC BREAKUP!" Jared screamed.
Andy dived for one of the ventilation grates, ripping the cover off and hurtling his body inside in the blink of an eye. Only once inside did he realize that the duct only went one direction.
Down.
"OOOH, SHHHIIIIIITTT!"
For eleven stories.
"... OUCH! OOF! YAAAAAAHHHhhhhhh..."
John mirrors Andy's example, but dives in the wrong direction, slamming skull-first into the nearest wall and knocking himself out cold.
Jared stood still. Perfectly still. Only his lips moved in a manic chant. "This isn't so bad, this isn't so bad, this isn't so bad..." Too still; he quit breathing and passed out.
"What's wrong with them?" Ritsuko asked the man stroking his chin's stubble thoughtfully.
"No clue. They didn't understand what you said. I think they panicked."
The doctor sighed and pulled a two-way radio from her belt. "Clean up on level 5 and 16. Bring first aid kits... and a mop."
If there is anything to say about interrogations, it is that they are long. It bears repeating, but that's unnecessary. Instead, consider that the Americans' collective interrogations occupied almost eight hours of the resident psychiatrist's time. Don't think Ritsuko doubles as NERV's chief psychiatrist? Name one other in the profession who is also working at NERV, I dare you.
Moving along, the very next thing that must be said about interrogations is that they are profoundly boring. 'I see God' boring. And thusly, very little of what transpired during these interrogations bears repeating.
Some time later, NERV underlings had separated the Americans and put each in their own padded room. The rooms were identical, containing only a simple plastic table and two plastic chairs. A small recorder hung from the ceiling, centered over the table for recording interviews. Misato, Ritsuko, and Kaji joined John in one room. Ritsuko with a clipboard, to ask questions. Misato to observe, and the bilingual Kaji to translate. Don't think Kaji's bilingual? Join the Navy and see if they like you speaking Japanese on an American or British boat.
Ritsuko began, translated through Kaji. "Ok, John, this is going to be painless."
"I hardly doubt that, I've had one of these before."
The doctor glanced at her clipboard. "How are you feeling?"
"I can see sounds and feel like I'm getting born in reverse as my mind spirals into madness. I'm just peachy, doctor."
Ritsuko made a note in the margin of her papers. 'Highly allergic to ST554, shows only psychotropic reactions to excessive dose.' Out loud, she answered John. "Okay, we'll keep that in mind, thanks."
Interrogations take time. Epic amounts of time. It was three hours of this insanity before the group was talking with Jared.
"Ok, Jared, this isn't going to be anything to worry about."
As any good American would, Jared piled on the sarcasm with a backhoe. "Oh, reeeaaally? Is that what you think, doctor? Just a waaalk in the park, eh? Just another step in a long, pointless road to nowhere?"
The assembled members of NERV simply stared.
Jared got up and began pacing in the confines of the tiny room. "Is this another litany in life, an adventure of petty mistakes, errors and missteps? You think is going to be another amusing little heart-to-heart chat where I tell you everything that went wrong with my life starting with my parents-which by the way, this did all start with, but I'm not going to talk about that... where was I?"
By this point, Kaji had stopped translating, resigned to wait until Jared wound down and said something relevant.
The American did eventually realize he was about to loose his audience, and cranked up the volume. "Oh yes, you want to TALK, to me, doctor? Disarm with a tender smile? I'm not telling anything! I will say nothing! You'll NEVER conquer ME!" He paused 'dramatically.' "I'm sorry… what was the question?"
Ritsuko shook herself, coming out of a slight daze. "How are you feeling?"
"I have a headache and I really, REALLY need a drink. Any other excessively stupid questions?"
"Yes, in fact. Any reason you're acting like an asshole?"
As if we even need to hear his answer for this one.
Andy was a little more receptive.
"How am I feeling?" he looked thoughtful, scratching a nonexistent beard. "In a word, trapped. I have the overwhelming urge to burst through the door and subdue the guards."
"Only I can have them open the door." Ritsuko pointed out.
"Then I subdue your first, then have them open the doors. Then there's the third possibility, but we probably don't want that."
Ritsuko left this route of questioning for later, making a note. She repressed the urge to snarl at his smug look, and pressed on. "Any particular reason you're asking like an asshole?"
"Is it just me, or is the local Bullshit level going through the roof." Andy directed a finger at the other side of the table. "I'm not piloting mecha right now. I want to pilot mecha right now. Do we have a problem or do we have a problem?"
Things simply went down hill from there.
"The little bunny you put in me is to blame, vermin. Send your armies of glowing rats away, away! I SAY, AWAY!" John screamed, cowering in the corner.
"We will kill you all. That is all I have to say." Jared folded his arms over his chest.
"What is the third possibility you mentioned?" Ritsuko asked Andy.
"I create a distraction, I dive under the table, under you, and through the vent grate behind you."
"And drop thirty stories straight down, most likely injuring yourself again."
"That would be a major difficulty in my plans, but I believe I could still drag myself to an unused portion of the Facility, healing and regaining my strength, and eventually becoming... an immortal super-assassin that will slowly eliminate your entire staff... One dead body at a time..."
The clipboard was growing fat with notes.
"Ok, something simple. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?"
John peered across the table at Ritsuko. "A carnivorous duck."
"That species doesn't exist," Ritsuko said.
John pointed frantically at an empty corner of the room. "Then what's that?"
At the same question, Andy replied with, "A Chipicabra, The Central American Devil. So I could terrorize helpless goat farmers leaving only a trail of fear and suspicious livestock."
Ritsuko knew, before even opening her mouth, that asking Jared this question would be a bad idea.
"A cat."
"And why?"
"Being a cat isn't so bad, let me demonstrate."
He began rubbing himself up against Misato's legs.
Misato growled. "Get him out of here, NOW!"
"Sexual preference?"
There are some questions mankind is not to know the answer of.
Then there are some answers you don't want to hear from a drugged John Genoni.
Ritsuko pondered both as she dutifully wrote his answer down. 'Cheesecake.'
"What is your favorite color?"
"Bright orange," Andy said with a sunny smile.
"And why?"
"Because it's very annoying."
"That's it?"
Still smiling, "It's not whether I win or lose, but how much I piss you off."
The doctor sighed, and muttered her under breath, "God help us." Before asking, "What would you do if you could pilot an Eva?"
Andy sat bolt upright in his chair, eyes wide, voice cracking with joy. "What wouldn't I do! … Let me rephrase that. I'd apply for a position as Angel of Death and open up a tanker full of Whoop-ass on the populace. Every one would bow to me!"
Ritsuko wrote "Normal American."
Asking the same question to John, "What would you do if you could pilot an Eva?"
John didn't speak. He didn't have to. He put his chops to better use by grinning.
Ritsuko bolted from the room hyperventilating. Kaji and Misato joined her a split-second later, all three white as ghosts.
"Don't ask the pervert that question." Misato pleaded.
"It's on the list," Ritsuko said, as if announcing her own impending execution.
And much later, she did ask him.
"What would you do if you could pilot an Eva?"
Jared didn't consider the question for a second. His reply was a lazy, rambling monotone. "Intimidate people, look cool, pick up chicks. Kick enough ass to keep the entire city on its feet for three weeks. That sort of thing."
The questions continued into the territory of the bizarre.
"Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?"
"In general or a particular person, such as the garbage man?" John answered.
"Do you have something against garbage men?"
"They make more money than I do."
"You're don't have a job. You don't have any records that we could find."
"In this world..."
Ritsuko rolled her eyes.
Jared had taken to rubbing a spot on the table. Ritsuko jotted down a note on the behavior, taking it for a nervous reaction.
"Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?" She asked.
"Daily or just in passing?"
As the translation begins, Ritsuko makes a quick note and interrupts. "Um... Moving along."
"No. This is an interesting question. Let us... discuss it." The grin that cut across his face brought to mind bear traps snapping shut on the legs of an unsuspecting hiker. "What about you doctor?" He slammed a foot onto the table, and mimed Phoenix Wright's famous pose. "Have you ever considered killing your manipulative lover?"
Ritsuko's mouth dropped open.
"What about your worthless mother, who resides within the memory of the computer systems you are tasked with maintaining?"
Ritsuko calmly set down her pencil. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about the TRUTH! Sound familiar, 'Doctor'?"
"Next question," Ritsuko insisted.
"Let's talk about those Evas for while, why don't we? What about the souls they steal?"
"Restrain him please," Ritsuko said icily.
"Restrain him…" Kaji realized that he was translating something Jared wasn't supposed to hear. In Japan, he said to the good doctor, "Oh, you mean me restrain him?"
Jared was in full salivating ranting mode by now. "You're just afraid of the reality you've created! Gods, woman, what about morals? What about bathing suits? What about cheese?"
Fanning the flames with gale force winds and jet fuel, Kaji smirked. "What about that smelly stuff?"
Jared slapped the table with his free hand, and pointed accusingly at the doctor again. "Blasphemer! You're just afraid of the truth, you can't handle the truth!" He sat, hands in his lap, thoughtful look on his face. When he spoke, his voice was calm, almost bored. "Oh, that last one's out of a movie. Hmm. What's the next question?"
Kaji and Misato exchanged looks. Ritsuko made a note: Keep under observation 24/7.
"Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?"
Andy shrugged. "Who doesn't? Well, only in public places, really. Besides, it's not like my boss is trying to end the world or anything." He sits back, arms folded over his chest smugly.
Kaji finishes translating, then adds his own jab. "What are these guys talking about?"
"Obviously, they're snowing us."
"Ah."
The day wore on, and so did the questions and forms, until at last all parties concerned could say that nothing had been accomplished.
"Ok, this is the last question."
Calmly, John countered. "It's never the 'last question,' doctor. As soon as you ask this question there will be a million more, of the likes of, 'that wasn't so bad, now was it?' and 'Do you want fries with that?' Not to forget, 'are the drugs wearing off yet?'"
"Are the drugs wearing off yet?"
Still calm, "No. And tell that Cabbit on your shoulder to stop staring at me or I'll rip its ears off and shove them up its ass."
"… I see."
"No, you don't, because you are not under the influence. If you did see, you'd be hauled away to the funny farm. Now, was that your question or did you have something else in mind?"
"Do you have any wild conspiracy theories to throw at us?" Ritsuko asked.
"Several, but let me offer facts instead of theories. Would you prefer business, pleasure, or personal?"
"Let's go with business."
"Very well; pilots, personnel, projects, or facilities?"
"Facilities, if you don't mind."
"You have 22 layers of armor, though that is hardly enough for some of the later Angels you'll be facing, made of mainly Titanium. This facility is at the floor of the GeoFront, but it really is the Black Moon, The Egg at the center of the world. You can launch the Evas anywhere in the Geofront or up in Tokyo-3. You have weapons hidden in buildings up there, 'Armaments Buildings' you call them. Also defenses, but they never work. This facility goes down several dozen levels into what is referred to as 'Terminal Dogma' where... well I'll just say that you are none too fond of marshmallows... The floor is soaked with LCL, a blood tasting, breathable liquid, its hallways lead to other rooms, a mass graveyard and also a storage facility to one of your 'projects.' But that's a different question and you promised only one. Good day to you all and don't worry, those dinosaurs will leave after a while."
Once finished, he stood before the door as if expecting it to open by itself.
Misato and Kaji looked at Ritsuko, who shrugged.
"One last question and this session is over."
"Aaaaaawwwww. Kill joy," Jared whined.
Misato interrupted. "Anything else you would like to add?"
Ritsuko gestured for Jared to go ahead.
In a low, gravely voice, "I am the Alpha and the Omega. You will bow before me."
"Okay, Andy this is the last question."
"Ok, Shoot."
"Do you have anything to add?"
"It smells in here. You should switch to a different antiperspirant. That is all."
Kaji was forced to restrain the doctor.
As a rule, the Americans were not fans of holding cells, even ones as clean, comfortable, and well-appointed as the room the Americans were currently locked in. Andy looked sullenly at the walls as if choosing not to recall a painful memory. Jared searches every seam of the room with casual ease, then sits in the middle of the floor, seiza style. Well, for about half a minute. Then he rearranged his feet into a pose that doesn't double as a method of torture. John began a tense argument with the walls... and lost.
Some time later, food arrives. MRE-type stuff that results in...
"What the fuck is this stuff? I can't read Japanese!" Jared exclaimed.
Andy made a show of tasting the plastic wrapper. "I think it might be edible."
John picked up his packet with some long metal tongs. "It's either Japanese food or toxic waste. Neither can harm you and both are glowing right now."
Jared looked at John. "I... won't ask." He tore open one of the packets, gagged after a taste, then swallowed, then made another face. "When are we getting our test results back?"
"We don't. It's for their records," John answered.
Andy bit into the food stuff, chewing on the wrapper and all.
Jared whipped out a bottle of hot sauce to season the food. Unnoticed by the trio, a stray drop landed on the floor and began to emit a white smoke as the 'sauce' ate a small crater into the metal floor. "Damn, and that was some of my best stuff!"
Andy, down to a single bite of his meal, covertly pulled out a voodoo doll, whispering to himself, "Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet."
Meanwhile, in the office of the Commander of NERV, the… well, the Commander of NERV sat behind his massive steel desk. Gendo Ikari. He was bean-pole thin, with limbs that filled out his suit like pipe cleaners. He glared at the world through cold brown eyes that picked apart everything they lay upon like merciless scavengers skulking over the cold wastelands of life, low-browed and filthy. He wore a pair of white gloves, currently positioned to hide his mouth from the view of his lone visitor, fingers laced together, patiently waiting for the very stressed-out doctor to wind down.
"He was like a giant ant!" Ritsuko exclaimed, gesturing to a report binder an inch thick.
"I'm sure your evaluation may be slightly colored by their... excitability." Gendo intoned, aiming for a gentle but firm tone of voice. He achieved a kind of dry, dismissive malice usually reserved for an executioner taunting the executionee.
Nonplussed, the frazzled doctor pressed on. "You weren't in there, Gendo! They can't be human!"
Gendo's calm was imperturbable. "Urk. Dr. Akagi, please let go of my collar."
She did so, hands locked in a 'claw to death' position even as she forced them to her sides. Gendo returned to his seat, and as he reached to the something at the edge of his desk, a carafe of hot water and a cup appeared. He efficiently poured the water, and offered the resulting cup of brewing tea to the doctor.
Taking the tea, "They're maniacs. If they can fight as well as they talk in circles, we're saved."
Mysteriously, he replied, "The actions of Man do not save, only destroy."
Sipping the tea, "Do you always talk in riddles?"
Gendo made a dismissive hand movement. "Only in the afternoons. What about their possible use as disposable resources?"
"Resources?" The doctor repeated, as if he had suggested making sausage out of rocks and plastic explosive. She then shook her head and settled for another sip of tea.
"Can they survive piloting Evas?"
Cue spit-take. "What? They barely survived the tests!"
"Is that a yes or a no?"
"Don't fuck with me on this Gendo, if you put them in Evas, no force on earth could stop them... Except for cheese, Chipicabras or illegal drugs."
Gendo stared, an eyebrow pressed up in surprise, "Oh?"
Ritsuko directed a chastised look to her tea. "Uh, never mind."
Gendo was musing to himself. "But… we only have a few Chipicabras left."
"..." The doctor intelligently stated.
"Did I say that out loud?"
Ritsuko nodded once, slowly.
"Ah… heh." The glare and mouth-guarding posture returned. "Irrelevant. Forget what I just said."
With another sip of her tea, "Agreed. I'll forget everything you've said."
Later that night, with the pilots safely pushed aside—er, taken care of—for the night, the Americans have been whisked off of the base proper, set up in a company hotel room under lock, key, heavy weapons, dozens of armed guards, and military backup.
Inside the hotel room, people infinitely more dangerous are passing the time.
"Have any threes?" John asked.
"Go fish." Jared replied.
Andy was at the window, peeking through the blinds. "They're still out there."
Jared groaned. "And they were there five minutes ago. And they'll still be there when you look again in another five minutes."
"Unless another one floats through the wall." John remarked.
Jared shifted his gaze from one Goon to the other. "Riiiight."
"I'm just saying this security is an honor." Andy said with a proud smile.
"What?" John asked the bathroom door.
"Well, we must have done well in the tests if we rated for the best of the faceless minions. Who knows, someday well may well rate Hovergunships, armored divisions, and maybe, just maybe, an N2 bomber on stand-by to make sure we NEVER escape and wreak havoc."
The thin Goon scoffed. "Never happen. Even we aren't that good."
A burst of lightening suddenly illuminated the room and it's drab decorations. The Goons recoiled in horror at the décor, then quickly recovered.
"Rain tonight." John informed the television.
"Do you hear something?" Andy asked.
"Kind of a ghostly shrieking noise followed by a series of loud clicks?"
"No, just a constant humming, almost an engine whine type sound… Do you… do you really hear a ghostly shrieking noise and clicks and all that?"
Quickly, "No. No, of course not. High-pitched humming, right?"
"Yeah, almost like a whine."
"I've heard it before..." John said to the deck of un-drawn cards. "A high-pitched whine at this altitude could only mean..."
Andy ripped open the shutters and excitedly waved at the pilots of the ten Hovergunships floating outside. One could barely make out the pilots nervously waving back. The ships backed away a few dozen yards.
Andy closed the blinds. "Never happen huh?"
"Coincidence." Jared insisted. "It must be a coincidence. I know we aren't that good."
"Then again we did leak all that information about NERV and SEELE and stuff that may have never happened yet. After all, we don't even know what episode we're in." John insisted.
Episode 12, more or less. Though the Angel that was just dispatched split into two, and originally took days of careful training on the part of the pilots and… Hell, does continuity even count now?
"Hush, you." Jared said quietly.
"Just forget about the damn episode number!" Andy shouted.
"Just because you forgot..." John said.
I did not forget!
"I did not forget!" Andy mirrored the narrator's assertion. "I just wasn't paying attention."
"The red-haired goddess is here, so we're past the sixth Angel, that's episode 8."
John was somewhat preoccupied with watching the unicorn in the bathroom play cards with the armed badger and the bright yellow elk. "Unit-01 was still on Umbilical Cable so we're not at the 14th Angel, that's episode 19."
Jared followed John's look with mild curiosity. "That's still a big spread, what did the angel look like?"
Andy thought back, to when he was running down the street, trying to figure out what he could swipe from the abandoned stores. "It was big?"
John's mind was wracked by drug-induced thoughts. A stream of conscious ideas that went something like this: Goat fish Venetian blinds kangaroos I was running for my life at the time cards Isaac Newton George Burns manhole cover. But enough of that. "It was big?"
Jared thought back, and realized he was trying to figure out how to get Asuka out of her Eva. "It was big?"
"Well that's... pathetic." He glared at the bathroom again. "Quit drinking out of the toilet you damn Zebra!"
Andy whispered to Jared. "How long did they say he'd be like this?"
Jared, who had none of the knowledge Andy was covertly asking for, conjured up some words. "Rest of the night."
Andy, thinking creatively, as creative writers are wont, "Can't we tie him up or something?"
"Nah, he's harmless. And we should be recording this for..."
"Posterity?"
"I was thinking blackmail, but whatever works."
"Hey, there are video games on this TV!" John discovered.
And there was much rejoicing.
The next morning found the Goons rounded by military troops and transported in 'secret' to NERV, arriving, after several hours of travel and checkpoints, at a briefing room next to the test plug area.
Ritsuko paced her line in front of the pilots, a stern but weathered look on her face. The look of someone who was about to engage in a pointless and dangerous activity for no apparent gain. The technicians standing by were not rubbernecking, or whispering amongst themselves. They were, however, wondering if the procedure unfolding before them was just a bizarre dream. After all, in what reality did three Americans without knowledge of the local language appear from basically nowhere and suddenly qualify to be Eva pilots?
Dear reader, please don't answer that.
The Americans were certainly through the looking glass. Waking up in the morning, all three had forgotten where they were.
Flashback time!
Earlier that morning.
A hand rose, claw-like, to the couch cushions. Desperate, grasping, it found purchase and hauled skyward the lanky form of Jared. He yawned, made a face at the smell of his own breath, and rubbed his chin.
Then his eyes flew wide open. "No stubble?" He breathed. "Damn pranksters. I have half a mind to-" Jared's nearly intelligible morning monologue died out as his eyes adjusted to the sight of the Tokyo-3 skyline cutting sharp shadows in the light of the sun. "This is... just like a story idea I had. That alphabet soup one. What was the title again?"
A lump of something groaned from the floor. While the groaning continued, Jared walked into the kichenette of the hotel room, and began brewing some coffee by reflex. While the water heated, he removed the duct tape holding John to the drapes, dropping the younger Goon on his head.
"Wake up, dude. We're dreaming."
"Fantastic," John slurred out. "You know, I had the weirdest dream last..." John's eyes caught the sight of the city at dawn. His hands were around Jared's throat. "What did you do?"
"I..." Choking gasp. "... started the coffee."
John dropped his prey and made for the kichenette. "Oooh, coffee."
A good ten minutes later saw Andy awake (in the loosest sense of the word), and propped up to the vertical in a chair, John and Jared flanking him and each on their fourth cup.
"You know, I've got this great idea for a fanfic." John said.
"Do tell," said Jared.
"An American kid goes to college in Japan. Upon arriving, he's got to go a weird series of test to actually start classes. I'm talking some serious Hatori Hanzo shit. Write a fifty million word essay, win a tug-of-rope game using his teeth, deliver the lungs of a green dragon to the admissions officers, that kind of thing."
"You know, that actually sounds like an interesting story."
"But then, he actually gets to go to classes for a week, and then aliens attack, and the school's swimming pool opens up to reveal a giant robot."
"Naturally." Jared nodded.
"And all the tests were to see if he's got the right stuff to pilot it."
"Interesting, but you said fanfic."
"Remember 'Dual'?"
"Yeah, but there were parallel universes there."
"I could work it in."
"No doubt. What do you think Andy?"
"Don't use the .30-cal, the .308 has better penetration." A snore followed.
Wait, what was the point of that?
Back to the present, Ritsuko glared at each of the Goons as she passed them. Andy seemed not to notice, Jared preened and smiled suggestively, and John offered a sympathetic look.
Misato entered, enduring a brief scolding from Ritsuko, and stood to one side. The Goons watched in curiosity as Ritsuko began an obviously rehearsed speech. To their surprise, Misato was translating. "We're basically just going to see if you can interface with the Evas using our test system."
To their credit, the American's didn't snicker when she stumbled over several words. John did interrupt to ask, "Ryoji and Asuka busy?"
"Kaji claimed he had other things to do. Asuka will be assisting during the test and had to prepare."
"I'm surprised the doctor doesn't speak a little Awesome herself." Jared mused.
"Doctor Akagi is too..." Misato paused to search for the word.
"Preoccupied," John said.
"We're very difficult to deal with," Andy put in.
"Yes," Misato agreed.
The Goons actually looked abashed.
"If we're done?" Ritsuko asked in Japanese.
"Sorry," said Misato.
"We shooting anything today?" Jared asked.
After the translation, Ritsuko answered. "Gods, I hope not."
Ritsuko walked off.
"Now we do the plugs suits, right?" Andy prompted.
John groaned. "I'm not up for this."
To Ritsuko's departing posterior, Jared shouted, "Was that a yes or a no?"
"It's just like in the anime." Andy's voice echoed through the dark green locker room next to the synchronization test cage.
Then Jared clocked him upside the head with the towel hamper. "Of course it's like the anime. We're in the anime!"
"I heard you the first time!" Andy replied diplomatically, shoving Jared into John, who was sitting on the room's lone bench.
"Shut up!" John shouted from the floor.
"Never!" Jared cried as John used him for a springboard to attack Andy. The plan didn't work out quite as intended, as he wasn't in as good a shape as he thought he was, and instead of landing on Andy, he crashed into him like a linebacker.
Jared flipped to his feet and kicked the brawling Goons apart.
Moments later, Shinji walked in, and immediately had to duck a wild punch. The Goons froze upon seeing him.
John immediately said, "The first one to start humming anything by Beethoven gets kicked in the nuts."
Jared and Andy put on their thinking faces for several tense seconds. One of them, chosen as the spokesman, said, "Fair enough."
Like an ailurophobe feeding a lion for the first time, Shinji offered the trio a small folded note. John took it carefully, palming Shinji a dollar bill. "Thanks, Ace."
And with that, Shinji was gone.
Idly, Jared began, "You know, I once wrote a story where—"
And he didn't continue, because he was buried under John and Andy and their battle cry. "DIE HELLSPAWN!"
Twenty minutes later, in the simulated synchronization testing area, Misato was tapping her foot rapidly, close to fuming. "What's taking them so long?"
"Nervous?" Ritsuko suggested, then considered. "Nah."
The door leading to the locker rooms opened behind the Major. "Shinji said they took the note. Maybe they misunderstood?"
"When do we get introductory music?" Jared mused in English, stepping through the door. Each Goon wears a white plug suit with the English words 'TEST UNIT' on most of the parts.
Misato turned around. "Here they are... what the?" She took in the black eyes, the limps, the numerous cuts, Jared's bloody nose, and the gentle way John is holding the fingers of his left hand, and snorted. In English, "Mucha first. Into the plug."
The Goons shuffled to the staging platform, neither noticing nor caring that the many techs keep a good distance from them and move around like herding large animals.
In the control room, Asuka was also in her plug suit with heavy overalls on top of it. She watched the Goons attempt to follow the tech's hand gestures. She had been tasked with the unfortunate duty of giving the Goons verbal direction while Misato directed the procedure and Ritsuko monitored the instrumentation and data recording systems. Her refined grasp of English was a chore in so many, many ways.
"Good thing they're behind armored glass," she muttered to herself.
Outside, Jared glanced at the control room, eyes picking out the Second Children easily. "She's behind armored glass. A minor obstacle."
John grabbed him by the arm. "Not this again, we need to talk."
"Hm?" Jared looks hopefully in the direction of the control room.
"About last night…" John began.
The two remained on the prep deck with most of the technicians while Andy was gingerly stuffed into the plug like a… well, like an oversized American into a space designed to accommodate a small Japanese kid.
"That looks painful," Jared commented. The techs didn't literally have to use crowbars to get Andy into the plug, but space inside was at an uncomfortable premium.
"Dude, focus. What happened last night?"
"We played video games, scared NERV's security forces… duct-taped you to some drapes…"
"Was I that out of control?"
"No. It was just funny."
John frowned. "What else happened?"
"Uh… we had dinner, sat in our cells for a while."
"Hm… I remember the cells. A bit. What was dinner?"
"Instant noodles. They tried to make me eat," Jared face turned white as he was forced to recall a great horror. "Soba noodles."
John scratched his chin in thought. "I've always wondered; what do you have against soba noodles?"
"They're soba noodles."
"No, I mean texture, flavor…"
"Just soba."
"The name?"
"No. The essence of soba is deeply offensive to me."
"How does that work?"
"All foods have their own essence. Their own… soul."
"And the soul of soba is offensive to you?"
"Like a maggot-filled puss sack."
"… And yet you ordered and ate it for dinner last night."
Offended, "I did no such thing!"
John whipped out a slip of paper. "I have a signed list of our dinner requests here."
"Let me see!" The two peered at the list. In Jared's handwriting was a lengthy and inventive list of threats, demanding the highest quality of soba noodle in his dish, and promising the end of several family bloodlines should his expectations not be met. "This is one sick puppy we're dealing with, Genoni." Jared mused after a minute.
"This is you we're dealing with! … I'm dealing with!"
"He is a clever foe," Jared said as if consoling his friend.
"Well if he would just make up his mind about some things…"
Jared sighed theatrically. Several techs held up signs grading the measure of his acting like Olympic judges; mostly fives and sixes. "Look, John, I'm not saying I'm the world's best leader—"
"You said exactly that over coffee this morning."
"Did I suggest we erect a monument to my greatness?"
"Just before we left the hotel."
"Did I attempt to decree what's good and not good in the world of foreign foodstuffs?"
"Moments ago."
"Did I try vainly to defend my position with sneaky politician-like tactics, rudely attacking your behavior and fashion sense and accusing you of vague acts which you could not conclusively prove were concocted in my own head?"
"Not yet, but hope springs eternal."
"Thanks."
"Okay." John put away the receipt. "What about breakfast?"
"What about breakfast?"
"You ordered the whole damn menu!"
"We're in Japan. I'm taking in the culture."
"Sure; if you replace 'culture' with 'food' and 'taking in' with 'gorging shamelessly on'."
"You say potato…"
John plowed ahead. "Who do you think is going to pay for all that food? The bill came to two hundred thousand!"
"Those are yens, dude. That's like, thirty dollar US."
"Do you have thirty dollars?"
"No, but Andy owes me."
"Does Andy have thirty dollars?"
"No, I rifled through his pockets after we changed."
John didn't let the comment pass. "And how are you going to get money out of your bank?"
Jared stared at his friend as if fearing for his sanity. Then he replied, very slowly, as if speaking to a frightened jackelope, "From the bank."
John had the look of a man who had just successfully drugged his date. "And your bank exists in the Evangelion universe?"
"... You present an intriguing point, Genoni."
Alarms began blaring.
John sighed. "Can't leave him alone…"
Jared sighed as well. "… for five minutes."
Curious phrases began to be heard, oddly enough in English.
"We've lost nerve contact with the pilot!"
"Generating random signals in the input matrix!"
"The Quake VII engine is slowing down!"
Jared and John quickly identified the ID Software-loving technician and dog-piled on top of him, large pieces of lumber in hand.
From within the control room, Ritsuko and Misato presented a veneer of entirely false calm while Asuka looked on with relish. "Great, he's going psycho."
Jared's head snapped around as if pulled by wires, his eyes meeting hers. "And I suppose, Sohryu, that you have a perfect service record?"
Asuka blinked at the Goon through the inch thick security glass, briefly debating whether to boggle at the fact he had heard her at all, or wonder if she'd just spoken in English by mistake. She decided to press on with a flippant wave instead, aiming to diffuse further commentary from the idiot-pervert. "Of course."
"In bed?" Jared asked with a crooked 'I could care less what the world thinks of my loose morals; I'm going to enjoy this' smile.
Asuka's adrenaline began pumping, preparing for the assault. Ripping the door open, her battle cry echoed through the test area. "RAAAAAGGHH!"
"Yipe!" Jared intelligently observed, running for his life.
"Stop them!" Misato ordered the technicians.
Jared made a circuit of the room, Asuka in hot persuit. Somewhere along the way, he picked up a sledgehammer. Leaping clear of Asuka's grasping hands, desperately seeking the American's esophagus, he landed in the LCL pool surrounding the test plug.
He began to approach the test plug. "Hope this works..."
John wandered into the control room. "This is cool. Say, do we have any popcorn around here?"
Misato translated the question on autopilot. Maya replied, and Misato translated the answer. "Lower left cabinet."
Meanwhile, Jared was discovering that the LCL pool was only two feet deep, and made good time towards the test plug itself. Closing in on the cylindrical structure, he used the sledgehammer handle to probe for holes in the bottom of the pool.
By then, Misato was trying to herd Genoni out of the control room, while the doctor frantically tried to get a response from the Goon locked in the test plug.
"ANDY!"
Jared started hitting the test plug with the sledgehammer, proving there was still such a thing as a bad plan. "Wake up! Andy, before you kill us all!"
"Ignore him!" Misato directed the confused technicians. "Doctor?"
"He's going into V-fib. I need a defibrillator prepped and a med team to the deck."
John gave up his search for popcorn and watched the drama unfold in front of him with mild disinterest.
Jared had broke into song. "I've been working on the raaaaaiiiilrooooaaaad, all the live-long daaaaaaaay!"
Misato spoke into the P.A. system. "Jared?"
The Goon paused, looking around as if he'd just heard the voice of God. "Yeah?"
"You're badly off-key."
"Misato," Ritsuko scolded. "You didn't really just-"
Misato put up a hand to silence her friend. "Don't say it."
"Uh, a little help here?" Jared called.
One of the technicians finally slaps his palm over a large button that is labeled 'HATCH EMERGENCY OPEN' in English. Perversely, it causes the plug to eject, and the main door to open. Jared has to stop the sledgehammer mid-swing to avoid pulping Andy's brain.
"Huh? Wha?" The large Goon inside said, confused.
Ritsuko stared. "Wait a minute, did he just tear the monitoring systems out of his plug suit?"
John ignored the babbling Japanese and walked out in the test deck to glare at Andy. "You fell asleep! You need to concentrate!"
"How?" Andy asked, yawning.
Jared attempted to come to the aid of his friend. "You... well, you... uh... you simply... um, concentrate?"
"How?"
John rubbed his at temple; today's headache was working up to 'extremely persistent.'
Misato's voice, commanding, boomed over the P.A. system again. "Jared, it was not necessary to use sledgehammer to wake up Andy."
"But, um, God, sir-er, ma'am, it was fun." The Goon replied.
"It is against regulations to-"
"It was fun."
The woman's voice was suddenly meek. "Okay, okay."
John sighed, while Andy looked around, brain lurching into gear, his eyes locking onto the sledge. "You're a dead man!"
In reply, Jared took up a Bruce Lee-esque martial arts stance. "Bring it on!"
Andy tried to leap out of the plug, almost loosing his arms and legs to the door frame in the process. Jared helped him out, then the two began fighting.
Asuka looked on, her voice echoing as the terrible reality of the situation dawned on her. "We'll have to kill them." She blinked. "Actually, that's not so bad..."
Indeed, as the afternoon wore on, many began to pray for the Goons deaths. And as they say 'first comes the prayin', then comes the payin'.' Well, at least we like to think people say that. So it's all in our heads. Like this story.
Where were we?
Oh yes... death.
After the test were done, Misato rounded up the Goons in the middle of the test deck. All three were swaying on their feet, massive bags under their eyes. A chorus of yawns rolled from one end of the line of Americans to the other regularly, as do waves on the ocean.
"Okay, guys. We... Mucha! Wake up!"
"Um, God, sir?" Jared said, eyes closed. "Could we like, get some Dew?"
"What?"
"Refreshment," John said.
Misato did a double take. "I'm sorry, did you say 'virgin blood'?"
"No. And what a silly mistake to make." Andy said, then snored loudly.
Misato sighed, and threw her hands up in the air. "Someone get them some drinks!"
Moments later, the Goons did the Dew, and were thusly refreshed.
"Okay, guys." Misato eyed them critically. "Now for the-" Misato shuddered, then shook herself and continued as if nothing happened. "-real thing. The tests have shown you are compatible with piloting Evangelions, and despite Ritsuko's and my own objections, it's time for the real thing.
John tapped his fingertips together. "Excccellent!"
"So which one are we piloting?" Jared asked.
"It's surprising they would have a unit prepped this quickly," Andy mused.
John shrugged. "We've dragged this out long enough, I think. It's time to embarrass the Japanese. Again. And in response to your question, Jared, judging by the way their restraining Asuka to prevent a massacre, I'd say Unit 02."
The quarter-breed screamed in German. "OVER YOUR DEAD BODIES, FREAKS!"
John continued as if he hadn't heard. "Hmm... that could be an answer to both of your questions, but anyway..."
"I think we have been insulted." Andy said, frowning.
"I think we have been threatened." Jared said, speculative.
"I think... I'm going first." John said, smiling.
"Are NOT!" Andy screamed.
"Am TOO!" John replied in kind.
Jared dashed into the space between the two... were sane men fear to tread. "There is only one way to settle this!" He held up a clenched fist, and both of the other Goons punched him in the head. Jared rose to his feet slowly, hands in warding positions. "Not that way!" The fist went up again. "Paper, rock-"
Andy tackles Jared this time. John dashes for the exit.
"Um..." Ritsuko said, eying the door closing behind John and the struggling Goons on the deck. "Misato, are they going to be like this all day?"
Misato ran a hand through her purple hair. "I hope not."
On the deck, Jared finally quit trying to explain his plan to Andy and just kicked the Goon across the room, then stood and dusted himself off as if nothing had happened. "Hey, where's—that son of a bitch!"
Andy flipped to his feet. "That son of a bitch!"
"I already said that!" Jared shouted, dashing for the exit John had left through. The pair continued yelling and taking swings at each other, audible even in the hallway outside of the test area.
Maya tugged at Ritsuko's sleeve to get the doctor's attention. "Um... senpai? That's not the way to cage number three. Who's going to retrieve them?"
"A sniper team, if I had my way," Ritsuko grumbled under her breath. Then, barked to the technicians, "Get security to round up those idiots and deliver them to cage three."
An hour later, the Goons were assembled in cage three, John getting into an actual Eva plug. Jared and Andy, now in the observation room, were vibrating with joy. Literally. It was really creeping out the guards assigned to them.
Jared had wrestled control of the room's intercom from Andy, and was playing for the role of emotional support.
Inside the plug, John appeared to sniff the air a bit, and pronounced, "Eeeeewww, it smells like Asuka in here."
Over the intercom, Asuka's scream of rage rang out. "YOU DIE FIRST!"
Jared made good use of the intercom before him as well. "Which part of Asuka?"
"YOU DIE SECOND!"
John choose to make faces at everybody as the plug was screwed in. "Neener, neener, neeener."
"YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!" Andy declared.
John smirked. "Oh, we'll see..."
Twenty minutes later, Ritsuko called for John to leave the plug.
"Hey, this is more relaxing than the infamous laz-e-boy. Let me have few more minutes."
"We really have other things we need to finish today, John." Misato insisted.
Jared's voice crackled over the intercom. "He gets five minutes, then I go in with the Jaws of Life."
Andy's voice followed suit. "I'll help."
Ritsuko sighed and took a drink from her large coffee mug with the cat face on it.
Another twenty minutes passed before Ritsuko called to Genoni. Mostly because of the gopher incident, but we're not going into that.
"Time to get out John."
"It's full of stars..."
Jared, now standing behind Ritsuko and decked out in a mountain of military gear over his test unit plug suit, looked ready to kill. Fittingly, he shouted, "KILL HIM!" Even as John finished.
Andy, the only person standing near Jared, seemed to glow with energy, the air around charged. "HE DIES NOW, I GET THE ROBOT!"
And with that, the two turned their murderous gazes on one another.
Ritsuko finally threw her hands into the air. "Guards; get them out of here, now!"
"I can hear you breathing..." John said from within the plug.
"As for you..." Ritsuko gestured to the technicians. "Increase LCL pressure as far as it will go."
"But... that'll crush him!" Aoba protested.
"Do. It."
John immediately began pounding on the door. "I'm leaving! I'm leaving!"
"My turn!" Jared announced with glee, his military weapons missing.
"I think not, mortal!"
Ritsuko resorted to screaming this time. "Jared, into the plug! Put that sword down! Andy, enough with the ax!"
Jared's turn inside the entry plug left Andy in straightjackets, chains, and a muzzle. A herd of armed guards swarmed around him, while John napped in a spare chair.
Asuka showed some restraint only because she didn't want to be restrained like Andy.
Cheerily, Jared examined his surroundings. "Hmm… now, I could make crude sexual references about being in Asuka's mom—"
"DIE!"
"-Or I could try to pilot this bad boy… girl… robot… whatever."
Ritsuko sighed. "Just concentrate, please."
"Okay…" He looked around, bored as the minutes dragged by like mice dying of cancer along the road to mecca. Jared ignored the incomprehensible analogy and began to sing. "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow…"
After Jared's tests wrapped up, Andy was forced into the plug with great enthusiasm. Enthusiasm on Andy's part, and force provided by the other Goons and several crowbars. The well over six foot tall American was unhappy with the size of the plug, but almost squealing with joy at finally taking the helm.
Twenty minutes later…
"It's full of stars," Andy said, staring at the plug walls.
"That's the screen saver, Mucha. Wiggle your fingers," Ritsuko directed in surprisingly good English.
Andy did so, and was rewarded with a view of the cage's walls. "Boooring!" Andy declared.
Technicians began screaming. "Sir! Unit-02 is moving!"
"Cut the power!" Misato commanded.
Blast cable separation systems activated.
"Unit-02 is on battery power!"
"Evangelion has reached the fourth catapult!"
"Catapult activated!"
"Make a note," Ritsuko directed Maya, "Remove that damn manual launch button."
"On screen!" Misato shouted.
The main holographic display changed to show a panoramic view of Tokyo-3. A moving speck to the right indicated Unit-02 stepping out of the release elevator. Another camera was sent to the display, now framing Unit-02 in sharp relief as it made a bee-line for one of the tallest buildings in the city.
"Andy! Andy, respond!" Misato shouted desperately.
"Hold on a sec, Major." Andy said, grunting. Unit-02 jumped onto the side of the building and began climbing rapidly.
"The hell…" Misato stared.
On the screen, Unit-02 reached the top of the building, and began swatting at the hovercraft that had been deployed the instant he'd punched the manual launch button.
"GOD DAMN HIM!" Jared howled.
"Jealous he thought of the King Kong routine first?" Jibed John.
"Feh," Jared commented eloquently.
Suddenly, John Posed Dramatically, speaking out of sync with his lip movements. "Wait, I have an idea. Blow out the support bolts on the building!"
Jared also began speaking without moving his lips properly, now bringing to mind badly dubbed foreign action movies. "That will only enrage the monster! Only my Fists of Fury can subdue the Beast!"
"I'M KING OF THE WORLD!" Andy's voice rang out over the intercom.
"Knock him out!" Ritsuko yelled, through with this bullshit. "Use the defibrillator!"
Unit-02 began convulsing on the screen. Andy's voice a pleasant, musical accompaniment. "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Okay, maybe not so musical.
The Evangelion let go of the building and plummeted to the streets below.
"Is he dead?" John asked in a casual tone, words matching his mouth now.
"No," Misato answered.
"Hit him again!" Jared crowed.
Later that day, in a massive office deep within NERV, Ritsuko had delivered her report to the Commander of NERV and was awaiting his reaction.
Gendo Ikari, a slim man with a short beard and an ill-fitting suit. Wire-framed glasses caught glare like a black hole, and spindly fingers inside obscenely white gloves had been laced together in front of his mouth, unmoving as if they had been cast in stone. His vision had not done any more than notice the existence of her report. He waited patiently until she finished her verbally summary of the day's events, then spoke.
With his gloves hiding his mouth, there may have been a high-quality recording played in his steed. "I see there were some... difficulties during the tests. Glad to see it was nothing you couldn't handle."
"Ah, right." The doctor said sheepishly, wishing she didn't look at all frazzled. But then, it had been a frazzling day.
"And this data is satisfactory."
"I don't know how the hell they did it and they'll probably kill each other if we give them all Evas, but they're otherwise good pilot material."
Gendo's voice held just a hint of disdain. "And they are Americans..."
"This was your idea, sir." Ritsuko sniped back.
"Very well. Have Katsuragi take care of their IDs and such."
Ritsuko wisely refrained from rolling her eyes. The Major would probably just pull some surveillance tape. "Yes, sir."
End Chapter 2
A note from the author: Been crazy in my corner of the world, but here's another chapter. Countless (at this point, at least) more coming, so stay tuned!
You'll notice that once again we have no major appearance by either Shinji or Rei, but rest assured, the remainder of the cast will play a major part in the coming chapters, from the lowest technician, the commander of NERV himself.
Not that we're stealing any 'screen time' from the hot chicks, of course.