Chapter 2- New little voice

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh

"So let me get this straight. You the world's clumsiest girl wants to go Cliff diving?" Jake asked from the passenger side of my truck.

"Yes, is that so hard to believe?" I asked feigning shocked.

"Yes, Bella we are talking about falling off of a freaking cliff." He said laughing at me; I'm guessing he still didn't believe that I had actually wanted to cliff dive.

"Then I should be a natural at it, I mean if I'm going to fall at least this time it would be on purpose." I said through gritted teeth.

"Alright alright no need to get upset."

"So that's a yes?" I asked looking at him expectantly.

"I have to talk to the guys, I don't want to be the only one watching out for you, I'm afraid that I'll miss something." he scratched the back of his neck, when he did this it actually made him look his age, then he'd stop and you'd see a 25 year old boy in front of you. He calls it the werewolf gene. I call him a freak. All good natured of course.

"So that's a yes?" I asked again not really getting the answer I wanted from him.

"it's a yes Bella" he shook his head mumbling something to low for me to hear but I was to wrapped up in screeching and squealing to even interpret what it was.

"I'm going Cliff diving I'm going Cliff diving." I chanted to myself as I watched Jacob's whole body shake with laughter.

I couldn't wait to be outside of this truck because now I had such a huge adrenaline rush just from the suggestion that I felt as if I could run a marathon, albeit I would probably fall before the first ten feet but it never hurt anyone to try. I was feeling on top of the world right now and the only thing one my mind now was think about the rush you'll get when you actually jump.

"Earth to bells?" Jacob called waving his hand in my face. "Hello is there anyone home?"

"Very funny Jake what's up?

"Well you have been sitting in my driveway idling for the past 5 minutes. Has talking about cliff diving made you that unaware of your surroundings?"

"Yes" I squeaked as I opened my door and hopped out.

Hanging with Jake was fun because above al else him and his pack were always brutally honest, so much so that 2 days after my epiphany Embry came over to my house and told me to get my head out of my ass and rejoin the living world. At first, I hated him because after spending an entire night trying to figure out who I was supposes to be I had come up short. Everything I had suggested was rule out because I could just hear a disapproving voice in my head saying it wasn't the smart choice. The second day I began to wallow after resigning myself to the fact that I would never be able to think on my own again. At the time I was sadly okay with that, at least I knew that I was co dependent but somewhere in these last two weeks, I had begun to feel a little more confident and relax around the pack. I begun to make my own choices, they were small but they were still my choices. The biggest one being the want…no need. To jump off that ridiculously tall cliff. I was starting over and it felt good to admit that I could actually make it through the day without feeling the gut wrenching pain Edward's departure left me with.

I walked into Jakes tiny shack of a house to find Embry sprawled out on the couch with a completely demolished bag of Doritos, having only wasted what I'm sure he would consider a handful on the dark brown rug.

"I'm guessing he had the graveyard shift?" I asked Jake laughing at his friend's position on the couch.

"Yeah, he had to pull his first all nighter; Embry is a morning person so being made to stay up all night isn't really something he enjoys."

"Then why-"

"Same thinks it's in our best interest to be versatile."

"I see." I said walking over to the bag of chips and taking them from the security of Embry's arms.

"Hey, give those back I'm still eating them" he groaned.

"No your not you wasting them on the floor, if you want them they'll be in the cabinet, go back to sleep." I said smiling.

"Yes mommy dearest." he smirked before actually rolling over on the couch.

The was a comfortable silence in the air as I absentmindedly twirled a piece of my hair in-between my fingers. Not in the way, a valley girl would but more like a subconscious effort to find something to do.

"What's on the agenda today Jake?" I asked

"Not much I have to patrol at 11 and I'm not to sure when I'll be back, although there will be a cookout tonight…if you want to come."

"You know I do; besides dad will be coming here to get ready for his fishing trip with the guys." I said laughing.

"Wait that was this weekend?"

"Yup, meaning you'll have the house to yourself…sort of." I laughed at him.

"Well living on the Rez doesn't make that thought nearly as appealing as it would be if I was living in a mansion in Beverley Hills.," he said smirking.

"Oh whatever, mansions are overrated. I'm not sure how two people can possibly even cover their whole 100,000 acre home every day, it seems like a waste to me, unless they had kids." I laughed trying to cheer him up.

"100,000 bella? Really?"

"Well it might as well be since there are either at work or in their study or some equally routine task."

"Yeah I guess kids would make sure every bit of space that house has to offer is used." he laughed.

"Yeah, especially when they are first learning to walk, hell even crawling." I said briefly thinking about what it would be like to be a mother. It wasn't even an option with Edward and at the time I didn't care, not part of me is glad that he held out because I'm not to positive I that I wouldn't have grown-or not grown, however you see it- to regret my choice.

Of course, Jacob had to choose now to be observant and asked the same question I had just asked myself. "Would you have really given up a chance at having a completely normal life with children and gray hairs and all that stuff? I mean, Edward had you not even wanted to turn 18."

"I know and at the time I would have given it all up, but I think that I would have also begun to regret it after the first few years, when that time came and my biological clock wasn't ticking ya know." I said ashamed of my answer.

"Makes sense I guess, when you love someone I guess you'd do any and everything for them."

"And I would have, but he left me Jacob, he left me and told me he didn't want me that I was a distraction, that I wasn't good enough. I think that's why it hurt so much."

"You know that's not true though. I mean you may have been a distraction but you were a damn good one if he kept putting himself in front of you when your life was on the line. As for being good enough you are better than a lot of these women and too good for all of the men especially Edward."

"Yeah, I'm actually starting to believe that" I said as he draped an arm around me in what was supposed to be a hug. For me though it was like being swallowed by the extremely toned mass known as Jacob black.

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