Disclaimer: Luckily, for the rest of the world, we don't own Eva. If we did, massive gun battles would have been the norm. Since this is non-profit fanfiction, however... heh heh heh...
Neon Genesis Goonvangelion
Book 1: The Overdue Re-Write
Chapter 5: Breaking Tradition / Things to do in Tokyo-3 When You're Dead
The toast popped up out of the toaster and was caught with a skill long ago embedded through routine. Shinji swiped some butter on the hot bread and readied another pair of slices for his roommates.
Asuka all but crawled to the table from her room, her hair still damp from the shower, and her school uniform fresh and clean. Misato soon lurched past the table for the beer in her 'fridge, clad in her usual morning garb. Once three cans were tucked under her arm, she nodded to Pen-Pen as the warm water penguin took over the bathroom for the morning.
"I still can't believe what happened yesterday. That shouldn't even be possible," Asuka said, poking at her food.
This called for at least two beers, Misato thought. Once beer number one was done, she gave a loud whoop and smashed the can against the table top. "A lot of things are impossible, until someone actually does it." She gave her charges a glance, then chucked the empty can in trash, opening the second one with her free hand.
Shinji spoke up, setting calorie-laden plates about the small table. "I don't really see the point of piloting anymore. If those guys have these new Evas, and they don't even need weapons, what's the point of us going out there?"
Asuka made a face at her chopsticks, like they had awoken her from a wonderful dream. "Baka! If a bunch of idiots can pull that kind of stunt off, just think about what a real pilot, like myself, could do."
Misato downed half of her second beer, watching the pilots over the rim the can. One hand held her chopsticks in an instinctive guard position.
"But if they don't need power cables, then why do we have to even go out?" Shinji asked.
Misato bit back a smile. Shinji didn't seem to have lost his mind after being subjected to the goons. He was made of tougher stuff than he realized. "Because, since the Super Solenoid cores have proven to be successful, all of the Evas will be retrofitted with them within the next couple weeks. Pretty soon you will be able to fight without the restrictions of an umbilical cable to slow you down."
Shinji, having eaten half his eggs while Misato explained things, persisted. "But why us?"
Misato finished off the second can in one gulp, smashed it flat, and chucked it into the garbage can perfectly before speaking. "Because NERV still thinks of them as too big of a security risk. They'll be lucky if we ever let them go through a synchronization test again. Especially after they've shown what they can do."
"Well I, for one, will be glad to be rid of them as soon as possible." Asuka said imperiously.
Misato sighed and cracked the third can, taking only a sip. "We can't get rid of them either, they know too much to simply let out into the world, and way too much to simply kill them. We have to keep them close enough to NERV that we can monitor them at all times."
Shinji poked at the last bit of egg on his plate, chasing it around before going in for the kill. "So what is going to happen to them?"
"Right now, the plan is to mothball the new Evas and forget they even exist. As for the boys themselves, we hire them as assistants, gophers, custodians, anything to keep them at NERV, but nothing sensitive, like being pilots." Misato took several bites of her food. Shinji was in top form today. She savored the sensations on her tongue while the pilots digested her explanation, along with their own breakfasts.
Quickly, the morning meal was finished, and the Children left for school Misato lounged around for another hour, then changed into her uniform, and found herself standing outside of her apartment with time to kill and nothing but paperwork waiting at her desk. She glanced at the next door down. Apartment 724. For weeks it had been barred shut against the outside world for an anime marathon of epic... something. Analogies failed her; they kind of did when someone conjured up mystical abilities on her firing range.
She contemplated the paperwork crouched on her desk, waiting to pounce on her the instant she walked into her tiny office.
"Hm..."
And there that door was. So... inviting. And her neighbors would be simply offended if she didn't at least stop in to say hello.
Excuses crafted, polished, categorized and filed, Misato tested the 'open' button. The door slid open.
No lock, she observed with a smirk.
Her eyes swept into the apartment, long a... she blinked, then blinked again. No mountains of dirty laundry, rows of action figures, smells gaining physical form and assaulting her at the threshold. The apartment was depressingly normal, excepting the slightly over-sized A/V system. She noted that the VCR actually displayed the correct time.
(That stands for Video Cartridge Recorder. In the future, Shinji's DAT player is an anachronism and hence the show's focus on it. VCR units are little bigger than a fridge magnet, and record to solid-state discs the size of a postage stamp, like today's digital camera/music player memory cards. Please don't confuse this device with a VHS deck. – Ed.)
She stepped inside, marveling at the normalcy. Clean couch. Clean kitchen. Neatly stacked pile of advanced soundproofing.
"Ojamashimasu!" She called out pleasantly.
Okay, that's unusual, but everything else... She looked at the VCR again en route to the kitchen. Have to ask them to fix mine sometime.
She rounded up some coffee filters and puzzled over the laminated sheet on the counter giving pictorial instructions for brewing the optimal cup of coffee. Quickly, she gathered the filters and dark roast, and within half a dozen minutes, coffee was dripping slowly into the large heated carafe on the counter-top. She began looking for mugs.
Let's see... The big one with an English onomatopoeia for explosions on the side in an eye-gouging font must have been destined for the big one. The tall and... shapely mug with elaborate paintings of barely-clothed women frozen in mid-gyration obviously belonged to the little guy. And in between, a no-frills black mug with English and Japanese kanji reading 'I'm awake, now quit bothering me,' was clearly meant for the cra--er, the middle one. Misato smirked as she pulled out a white cup with blue katakana reading 'Visitor #1' for herself. They've got taste. Whether it's good or bad...
The kitchen was the picture of serenity; the goons quietly snoring in their rooms, the coffee aromatically brewing... She poured herself a cup. Three young men waited patiently on the other side of the counter dividing the kitchen from the living room.
Misato looked up as she took her first sip, then spit the coffee all over the counter. "Wha?! How--?! But--! HUH?!"
"Coffee..." Jared said in a singing voice.
"Coffee..." John brought an extra octave to the party.
"Coffee..." Andy rounded out the harmony.
The three fell silent before joining in chorus, "COFFEE..."
Misato didn't let them leave her field of vision while she took a second sip, and savored it.
Each was dressed and relatively awake. Clean too, ready to go out and face a new day. Well, maybe John should pull the comb out of his hair. Jared could probably stand to take the shoe hanging from his ear and put it on his foot. Andy might have to change his shirt from inside-out and backwards to wear it in a more normal fashion... then they would be ready.
"Uh, good morning fellas," Misato said, appraisal of both the goons and their coffee complete.
John mutely snatched the carafe from the counter, poured a full round for himself and his roommates, and slammed back a full cup. Jared chugged from his own mug almost as quickly, smiling as the caffeine was ingested. Andy merely sipped at his before frowning distastefully and fetching the milk and sugar. Everyone watched him return to the counter to mix his brew according to his preferences.
John poured another round for him and Jared. He looked to Andy. As if apologizing for his friend, "He never went to college."
John stole the condiments and carefully adjusted the contents with strict precision. Jared blindly added a splash of milk and a second of sugar to his cup. All three sipped at the same slow leisurely pace now.
Wait a minute. "You guys went to college?"
"Yes," said Jared.
Misato frowned. "But you guys can't be more than fourteen. I know in Germany Asuka graduated, but the school system in America works much more slowly."
Andy's eyes widened, and he spoke in the tortured whispers of a man suddenly castrated by a slamming door. "Four... teen? Fourteen?!"
All three looked each other over, eyes narrowed in concentration. Or confusion. Or disgust. Whatever, she wasn't a mind reader. All three eventually shrugged, and John seemed to step easily into the role of spokesman.
"Ummm, Misato, all three of us have seen about two decades go by."
Okay, so the Americans looked like they were twenty…ish. But they were Americans, and you could never tell with them. She'd seen fourteen year old American boys that looked older than the three standing before her. "But you guys can synchronize with the Evas," she pressed, thoughtful. "I though only kids born after Second Impact could do that."
John's delegating glance was almost invisible. Jared stopped enjoying his coffee for a moment to speak. "Well, maybe because we're not even from this universe, we get special treatment. After all, has anyone else been able to do a Kamehameha before?"
Misato shrugged. "No one has ever really tried."
Jared went back to his coffee. John put a finger to get her attention. "Subject change, what--"
"When do we get to pilot those babies again?" Andy trampled into the conversation.
Misato beat back the slowly rising panic. She grasped at something, a fragment of a memory of a tiny report she half-read weeks ago. "Well... The power systems weren't really able to handle an output like that, so the Evas are going to be out of commission for a while."
Time succumbed to horror and slowed to a crawl as a host of expressions dashed across the young man's visage. Never before had the Tactical Commander seen naked intent twist a man's brow like this. She waited, breath rotting in her throat, for a maniacal cackle to burst out of Andy's chest cavity like a razor-toothed animal, clawed hands grasping at the phantoms of his deepest desires. "Hmmm..."
"I know that 'hmmm,' and you'd better stop thinking that, mister." John said in a warning tone. "As I was saying, what happens now?"
That is a good question, Misato pondered.
(That is a good question. – Ed.)
"Well, I guess when we get to NERV you'll find out." Misato announced.
Jared threw a celebratory fist into the air. "TO NERV!"
* * *
With extraordinary perseverance, Misato had tracked down Ritsuko in a small lab on level twenty-seven. She'd had some time to chew on their comments during her drive to NERV--the goons had disappeared, again, when she offered to drive them. She gave a brief account of their conversation to the doctor, reflecting idly on the fact that the whole thing was probably recorded, on a transcript, and archived in some vault a hundred meters further underground by now.
"They've already been through college?" Ritsuko asked in surprise.
"That's what they said. Or at least, they have had a few years of it. Two of them can make you look like an amateur drinking coffee, that's for sure."
"Hmmm, okay."
No it wasn't. Not to Misato. "Okay? I thought that only kids Shinji's age could pilot Eva!"
Ritsuko gave her a bored look. "And I thought that the artificial S2 core would fail miserably and wipe out the First Branch, but it didn't and they can pilot the new Evas." She sighed. "I'm beginning to think that nothing is impossible anymore."
"But mathematically speaking, nothing is impossible in the first place," Misato said, needling her.
The bored look shifted to a friendly smile propped up with a threat of bodily harm. "No talking about math or science until after 10 a.m. please."
Ritsuko had been using that line since their days in college. But then the doctor pointed at a hand-drawn sign on the wall that repeated the request. A chibi-Ritsuko on the poster shared the original's expression. Whichever technician she had bullied into drawing it had some skill.
"That reminds me. I know that the basic procedure is to shuffle all of the pilots into the same schoolroom, but since the boys aren't technically pilots, not to mention that they're about five years the pilots' senior, I was hoping you knew what we were going to do with them."
"Talk to the Commander about that. They aren't my problem." Ritsuko turned to the console before her and nudged Maya. The woman had been so quiet Misato had completely forgotten she was still in the room. Oh well, no sensitive information was being aired, and she probably had the clearance anyway. "I need those chips now if we're going to meet Ikari's deadline, you know." Ritsuko said to her shadow.
"I'm finishing up right now, senpai," the woman replied with a cheery tone.
The conversation was over. Misato hoped someone else would figure out where to stick the goons when NERV didn't want them outside blowing things up and learning martial arts techniques from videotapes.
* * *
In his office, Gendo Ikari perched upon his chair as would a bird of prey, idly pushing about the question of the day. "It would be too suspicious to just send them to the same class room. What about a higher grade level, with others their own age?"
To one side of the immense desk, the one hewn cold from the bones of murders and polished until madness shown in its black depths, Kozou Fuyutsuki did his level best to impersonate a potted plant. "They would still be a year or two older than the rest of the students."
Gendo reshuffled his fingers, letting them again lace together in such a position that they blocked his mouth from the view of any visitors.
The office was empty.
"Teaching Assistants?" Came from his hidden mouth.
"I don't think so," the Sub-Commander replied.
"Me neither."
"The only records we have on them are barely a month old and based on tests and information they have given us."
"We could easily alter that information, to our needs."
"But then there is their physical age, if not their mental."
"Have them shave everyday."
"I don't think this will work."
"Hire them as personal staff, perhaps."
"And do what?"
"Mop the floors?"
"That would prove difficult."
"We could ask them."
"And they all would choose to be pilots."
Now they'd come full circle. The fundamental problem was that the goons, regardless of sanity, predictability, or controllability, were Americans. Americans did not get cool giant robots in Japan. There were rules that had to be upheld.
"It's odd that my own son would rather run off and do God-knows-what but these three strangers had to be removed from their cockpits by the Jaws of Life, kicking and screaming all the way," Gendo said, almost musing.
Kozou decided to air the obvious solution. "Put them in the intelligence division, perhaps. They already seem to know the inner workings of this place."
"And that office is under constant surveillance any way. I like that idea." The audible Evil Smirk in Gendo's voice indicated he wasn't sarcastic about it.
"But do you think it's wise to pay them to be paranoid?" A valid concern, but what's one extra gun in a platoon of armed soldiers?
"Irrelevant. Send in Major Katsuragi and the Arrivals."
Immediately the door silently opened, allowing Misato and the goons to enter. The Americans looked annoyed at having to wait, and all three promptly began humming the Imperial March in perfect unison. Misato, accustomed to both sudden singing from the Americans and the imposing office, stood at ease a half-dozen paces from the desk. The goons obediently lined up next to her at attention, still humming. "Sir?"
Gendo tilted his head slightly, and the glare vanished from his glasses to reveal a glare directed at the goons. "Cut that out. I've decided what to do with you."
"WOO-HOO! We get to be pilots!" Andy declared at rock-concert volume levels.
The goons threw up the horns, performed various disgusting victory dances, exchanged high-fives, chest- and fist-bumps, and finished off with a three-person pyramid that quickly collapsed into a tangled nest of limbs and pained curses. As soon as they regained their feet, all three returned to their original spots, reattached neutral expressions to their faces, and waited patiently for the Commander of NERV to continue.
"No. You'll be joining the--"
"We want to be pilots," Jared interrupted.
"What you want is irrelevant. You'll be part of our intelligence division, you'll have your own office--"
"Each?" John suggested.
"Don't make me laugh. And--"
"We also get to be pilots," Andy said, speaking the with the certainty of someone who looked reality in the face only twice a year, and always ran away screaming.
"No."
Jared had a 'you need to get with the program, dude' air about him as he insisted, "We are going to be pilots."
"No, you will not," Gendo's voice had some steel in it, apparently aiming to maim the smallest goon.
"What about our deal?" John said, his voice carrying the forced casual tone normally heard out of trained killers as they put on a pair of gloves to keep from leaving too many fingerprints around the corpse.
"Deal?" Misato asked.
"The deal has been fulfilled, the Evas were constructed, you got to test them," Gendo said quickly.
"There were clauses as well; we were to be put on the active pilot roster," John continued, glare covering the lenses of his own glasses.
"We have enough pilots."
"And now you have three more."
"This is not negotiable."
John took a step forward, catching Jared's attention, which had been sliding over to Misato's chest, and Andy's attention, which had been sliding over to the desk. "You're damn right about that. We'll accept the position and office in Sector 7, but we also will be placed on the pilots' roster. If you fail to hold up your end to the deal we made, we will follow through with our end of the bargain."
Gendo put his hands flat on his desk, causing Misato and Fuyutsuki to freeze in fear. The Commander was officially angry. "Are you threatening me?"
"Of course not, I am merely stating that the deal will be seen through, one way or the other."
The slightest twitch of Gendo's shoulders was the warning anyone got before a trap door opened beneath the goons, triggered by a simple press of Gendo's foot on a hidden button beneath the desk. John, fully prepared for the move, jumped onto the desk. Jared, who had been cataloging every detail of Misato's breathing patterns, and Andy, who had been concocting a number of schemes to smuggle the Commander's desk out of his office while simultaneous pranking the uptight asshole, both dropped into the pit with clueless expressions on their faces.
John didn't move, even when the trap door shut firmly behind him, choosing to remain crouched on the desk like a hunter about to take down prey. "Now Andy and Jared are in the ventilation system, you old fool. But back to the dilemma at hand. If you put us on the active roster, then you only have to pay us as pilots. The intelligence division is paid under the salaries of whatever job they are infiltrating. And as pilots we'll be paid far less than a pure desk job. Financially speaking, it would be more cost effective to let us pilot. Given NERV's tight budget, it's your best option."
To his credit, Gendo didn't flinch. Nor did his hands move. "But how much would that friend of yours cost us in damages?"
"Andy can be distracted, and Jared is easily entertained. Plus, you merely have to take slightly larger cuts from the UN budget, and freeze progress on some of your programs."
Misato found herself echoing the Commander's question. "What programs?"
Ikari turned his flat stare to her, the lights in the office glinting from his glasses. "You are dismissed, Major."
Misato played for information. "What programs?"
"Some highly unethical ones that will not turn out very well," John said, audibly smirking.
"The ends will justify the means," Gendo said in a low voice.
"Not for the ones on my list."
"Sabotage? I would've thought your style to be less violent."
"Not sabotage, but by merely not interfering with your plans, I will doom them to failure. You Dummy Plug system, for example. It eliminates the need for a pilot, true, but it is uncontrollable. You would have a berserk Eva on the loose every time you undid the restraints. And if you were to give the Dummy Plug to an S2 powered Eva? You'd have an unstoppable monster rampaging throughout the city, you'd lose millions of civilians and personnel; and probably several pilots and Evas in the process of taking down just one rogue Eva."
For a moment, Misato forget to suspect this statement of being a red herring. "My God..."
Gendo leaned sideways in his chair to give a shoot a sharp glare at the Major. "Are you still here?"
Misato tried desperately to think of an excuse to stay, or at least stall. She came up blank, saluted, and left fighting down a snarl. She didn't stop herself from shooting at glare at Genoni before the door closed.
Gendo continued as if there had been no interruption. "But if I let you pilot...?"
"We know enough about what is going on to prevent to need for the Dummy Plugs. Put the program in stasis, don't kill Rei's clones, just don't use them, let us be your back-up system. That will free up hundreds of millions in your budget. Enough, I would venture, to pay for any collateral damage on my associates' part."
"You drive a hard bargain."
Andy plummeted from the ceiling at that moment, landing square on his head a foot to the left of the trap door he disappeared into moments ago. Jared follows, landing with a rapid roll and coming up in a crouch. His posture suggested that he lacked a firearm, but could appropriate one if necessary.
"That pit dropped forty feet, how did you end up on the floor above us, let alone unharmed?" Gendo asked the pair.
Andy got to his feet. "Trade secret."
Jared stood and grinned.
"Well?" John prompted.
Gendo scanned the three again, giving John a look of annoyance. "You will be on the pilots' roster by tomorrow. I would assume then that our deal is fulfilled?"
"Time will tell, Commander." John hopped off the desk.
In English, Jared applauded his friend, "You smooth-talking son of a bitch."
"So we keep our Evas?" Andy added, also in English.
John replied likewise, "Not only that but we also have a day job."
A chime sounded through the dark office, then the door opened to allow Ritsuko to breeze in carrying a small metal suitcase. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." She stepped around the open trapdoor on autopilot. "The wrist-mounted supercomputers are finished, sir." She set the suitcase on the Commander's desk.
Without looking at a clock or watch, "I suppose you are right on time." Gendo thumbed a hidden button on the desk and an old-fashioned desk lamp rose out of the smooth surface. He switched it on and angled the light so that it reflected off his glasses. "Distribute them according to plan."
"You don't have to sound so sinister." Ritsuko said, irritated. "You can just say 'start handing them out,' you know."
Gendo gestured vaguely. "Just do it."
The doctor opened the case and tossed three objects at the boys without looking. All three caught the bulky watches, but just barely.
Before they can complain about NERV pestering over their tardiness, Ritsuko fired up a lecturing voice that put John's to shame. "These are not ordinary watches... But I'm not going to bother going over the complicated internal technology to a bunch of ingrates like you three."
Jared clutched at his chest like a man pierced by an arrow. "You wound me."
She sincerely hoped so. Continuing, "You want the run-down? Fine, but if your brain explodes, I'm not mopping it up. We used diamond chips for the processors. Using the crystal to resonate under a laser beam, these chips are merely clusters of carbon atoms that cut laser beams to act as micro-switches. They use practically no energy and run off molecular nuclear reactors because they use photon and not electron energy, and run at about fifty terahertz. We dropped three of them in there in a molecular storage medium thus, you now are carrying wrist-mounted supercomputers." At this point, a less-disciplined person would have paused to laugh in triumph, but the doctor kept her cool. "You should be able to figure out all of the programs as they are clearly labeled. We've also included a tutorial program that will give you specific information if you so require."
John nodded and smiled politely to indicate he barely understood a word she said. "To paraphrase one of my professors, Andy and I don't know enough technology to understand it, so for us it'll be magic."
"Unenlightened," grunted Jared.
"Hacker," John replied with a dry look.
"Proudly," Jared replied, preening.
"Likewise," John finished with a self-satisfied smile.
Andy was moving his wrist about in unusual ways to look at the superwatch from different angles. "Um, how do we use them?"
Ritsuko held up her own superwatch and pointed at the front. "The big button on the face, you just press it."
All three did so. Above each wrist, two faintly green rectangles digitized into view at an angle to each other like a tiny laptop made of light.
"This is like Washu's laptop in Tenchi Muyo!" John exclaimed.
Ritsuko knew better than to ask what he was talking about. "Right. Anyway, yours are in English, as you can see. Use the 'keyboard' to type and touch the 'screen' for graphic interface. We're working on special cables for using peripherals, I'm also trying to make the screens more inconspicuous, and it has four to the... it has lots of memory."
Jared finished changing his settings, which consisted of just altering the colors of the 'laptop' to a lighter shade of blue. "I feel short-changed being given the layman's lecture."
"Well, Andy is happy." John patted Andy's head as one would a dog. "Aren't ya, boy?"
Andy smacked John in the back of the head. "Don't talk to me like I'm an animal!"
John rubbed at the spot, then raised a pinky to his lips. "I shall call mine... Mini-MAGI!"
Shouting like a man who had just found his best ideas stolen by a Hollywood director, Jared shouted indignantly. "HEY!!!"
Ritsuko watched the display with a perfect poker face. "Actually that's not a bad name for them. If you'll excuse me, I have to get the rest of these mini-MAGI's to the other pilots."
She turned and marched straight for the door.
His thunder comprehensively stolen, John shouted at her retreating form. "But, but, fine!" The doors closed behind her, but John continued. "Be that way! I'm gonna name my three chips then! And it won't be some stupid wise men! I know, I'll name them Moe, Larry, and Curly! Ha!"
Jared considered this. "Wise men to wise guys... I think John's brain broke." He nodded a farewell to the Commander, then literally dragged Andy and John out of the Dark Office.
Outside, "You can't take the dude's wind from his sails. What are you calling your three?"
Jared looked at Andy as if he'd just asked... well, as if he were a sane person who just asked if the sky was pink. "James, Dave, and Ed, obviously."
"I should've known."
"I figure that I should follow John's example and give three aspects that are in perpetual conflict. You?"
"I don't see the point. Maybe Scissors, Paper, and Rock... it doesn't really matter to me. They're computer chips."
"You lack a poet's soul, my friend."
The exchange, and walking, had taken them a good ways down the hall leading to Gendo's office. Naturally, it went nowhere else and featured no doors. Zero foot traffic and complete silence honed the ascetic atmosphere of the hallway to a razor edge.
Just as one would expect of Gendo Ikari. The absence of witnesses was something to be thankful for in the case of Andy and Jared, for no-one else was around to see John when the two finished their exchange.
John was chibified.
"AAAAAAHHH!!!" Jared and Andy screamed.
The tiny, super-deformed John quit working himself into a frenzy over Ritsuko's attitude and looked at them in surprise. "Why are you yelling?"
If anything, the normal voice was even creepier than if it had been an octave higher.
"He's… he's… chibi… and…" Andy began gibbering in abject terror.
Far better inoculated than his comrade, Jared finished with the dreaded word, "Kawaii…"
"Cute? Who's cute?" The chibi-John said, cutely confused.
The first door at the end of the hallway was a bathroom, unsurprisingly. SD-John waddled inside and climbed onto a sink, grumbling about how Ikari had to mess with the plumbing as some sort extended mind-game. Then he looked in the mirror. Paddle legs and arms with no visible digits. Eyes a third of his entire head. The standard issue Japanese wild-take.
John did the only thing that logically followed such an observation, he fainted. But this was after he shrieked, shattering the mirror with the sheer volume, hovering in the air with his arms and legs waving faster than a hummingbird's wings. Then after sustaining flight for about a minute, screaming all the way, he finally passed out. Jared and Andy quickly gathered him up, wrapped Andy's jacket around their associate and hauled him like a sack of potatoes back to their apartment. They'd had enough of NERV for that morning.
* * *
An afternoon of shopping for basic supplies behind them, Jared and Andy reentered their apartment with arm-loads of grocery bags, which they deposited on the counter. A flipper of an arm waved from the couch in greeting.
"Hey John, still chibi?" Jared asked.
Channel surfing to the whims of his Y chromosome, "Yeah."
Both came into the living room. Andy eyed the younger man, and more specifically the device in his 'hand.' "Um, John? If you don't have any fingers, how are you using the remote?"
All three looked at the multi-device remote control that appears glued to SD-John's hand. He pointed the remote at the TV, and numbers appears on screen, then the channel changed.
Shrugging cutely, "Hell if I know."
"Weird," Jared said. "Anyway, Andy and I may have figured out how to get you back to normal. Remember that Tiny Toons episode where Plucky turns into a giant eyeball? He had to calm down to end the wild-take."
SD-John assumed a cute widdle Lotus position and chanted, "I am calm. I am the Zen master. My spirit is at peace."
"Riiiiight," Andy offered in a skeptical tone.
"Maybe if you forgave Ritsuko for stealing the name you came up with?" Jared suggested.
"The Earth will burn before I do that." He dropped out of his 'meditating' posture to sit on the couch. "On a lighter side, I was experimenting, and I discovered that the physics of anime are not too far off from the physics of cartoons."
"How so?"
SD-John stood on the cushion, looked up, and walked off of the couch. He hovered in air until he looked down, then he fell flat on his face. He went into a cute lil' lecture mode. "I've been trying a bunch of other things. I've managed a Demon-head mode, though in this form, it's not much. I can sweat-drop, I can do all of the other takes, and when the girl across the street was coming out of the shower and her towel dropped, my nose bled."
"You little--" Jared started with a snarl.
"It was for the sake of science, so don't interrupt. And I've even been able to access multiple sub-spaces for random items. Observe."
He reached behind his back, then with a yell leapt at Andy with a proportional 2X4. Little bigger than a matchstick. The 'board' came down and hit Andy's head, doing no damage to Andy or itself.
SD-John landed and pouted adorably. "Curse this tiny kawaii body. I have not the strength to smite my enemies."
"Whatever. So, I guess that means that Andy and I could do something similar, right?"
"It takes practice, grasshopper. You must become the emotion."
"Well I'd rather not be stuck being a foot high for the rest of my days, thankyouverymuch."
SD-John made faces at Jared.
"Stop that, you're scaring me."
Andy looked towards the door. "Jared and I were going to do some experiments of our own on the roof."
"In other words, you and him are going to see if you can emulate the Evas and fire off a Kamehameha."
"Well, everyone knows that the Final Flash is superior to the Kamehameha."
Jared nodded to the door, his voice challenging, "I'd like to see that."
Both left, glaring at one another. SD-John grumbled as he put the groceries away, cursing up a storm trying to fill the upper cupboards, vows vengeance upon completion, and hurries to the roof, arms and legs flapping like a hummingbird's the entire way.
However, once outside, SD-John collided with someone. A rant about how when one imitates corporate America and walks all over the little people, they should at least apologize, died on his lips as he realized that his new height gave him a prime angle to look up Asuka's dress. So, instead of a pithy comment, out came a rather stupid grin.
"EEEEEEK! PERVERT!"
SD-John's lack of mass allowed Asuka's Righteous Fury Slap to propel him down the hall. The redhead stormed after him in pursuit.
"I am sick of every one of you being a pervert!"
John stumbled to his feet, rubbing at the hand-print on his check. Then he stared at his hand with all five fingers now discrete appendages. Unfortunately, he realized that he was no longer super-deformed just as Asuka came into range, and swept her up into a hug of celebration, topping this off with a kiss.
"rrrRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"
Now that realization set in, John had time for only one thought: This is going to cost me.
Then there was darkness.
The sound of an impact, like a moon destroying a helpless planet.
One of the building's exterior walls bulged out in the shape of an upside-down John.
Back inside, John was up and scrambling for the stairway, Asuka in hot pursuit, murder in her eyes.
* * *
John burst through the roof access door, out of breath. Fatigue vanishing an instant later as he whipped out a hammer and some boards from sub-space, and apparently without any of the metal objects, nailed the boards to the door frame. The youngest, though arguably most sane, arrival looked around frantically, and lacking the aforementioned sanity, retrieved a large wooden mallet from subspace. As the first pounding from Asuka hit the boards, John set himself up to deliver an ambushing blow, the look of a cornered rat ready to fight the tiger on his face.
Andy and Jared shook off small sweat drops.
"Umm, John?" Jared said tentatively.
Asuka's second impact caused the boards to flex and creak ominously. The sweat drops multiplied.
"I don't think John is in control of his mental faculties right now," Andy said.
"He's looking normal though."
All of the boards rattled at the next impact. Several of them cracked.
"You mean the foaming mouth, the glazed eyes, and the large weapon in his hands poised to deliver a killing blow?"
"I did mean that he's not chibified any more." He looked more closely at the panicking American. "But now that you mention it..."
The final hit splintered the boards, all of which fell to the wayside as Asuka stomped out into the light. Jared put seven and five together and moved to intercept John's ambush. Shoving the object of his obsession out of the way, he took the mallet full on the head. Both John and Jared froze in mid-air before a bump the size of a daikon grew out of Jared's head and dislodged John.
John blinked. Jared eyes were swamped with tears of pain. "That... really hurt."
Unsure if Jared is even human, Asuka gives pause, even backs away.
John also backs away, "Well, I guess that evens things up. I clean up your mess, I get attacked by Asuka, I hit you with a large hammer, Asuka owes you for saving her life."
"Sounds fair," said Andy.
"I DO NOT OWE HIM!!!" Asuka added her two cents.
Jared had a large bandage on his injury, despite no body actually putting it there. "You're learning," he said to John.
Asuka turned her nose up a Genoni, then considered the other two Americans. "...Why are you two on the roof?"
"I almost forgot." Andy reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag of microwave popcorn still in its wrapper.
Jared and John became still. A dramatic wind rose to the occasion.
"Wha--"
"Silence, wench!" John ordered.
Asuka decked him. It's kind of her signature move.
"That one was free," John said in his best 'Vegeta' voice, rubbing the red spot on his jaw.
Ignoring the deep, multi-layered interplay, Jared walked up to Andy, who handed him the bag of popcorn as a retainer might hand his lord a tanto to commit seppuku. With ritual precision, Jared released the bag from its plastic confines. In measured steps, he made his way to John, who accepted the bag and ran off to pop it.
* * *
Jared returned to the far end of the roof to face Andy, the two motionless, staring at each other. Asuka quickly grew bored with figuring out what was going on, and started demanding answers. Neither answered, or so much as blinked, even when she walked up and stood in front of each of them and questioned them at pavement-cracking volume. After a while, a while after she had shifted from 'question' to 'glare,' John returned bearing a steaming bowl of delicious popcorn.
He stood there. Asuka threw him a look, and noticed he was silently waved for her to move away from the other two and stand next to him.
Angry at being treated like a kid, but too curious not to follow his suggestion, she retreated.
He sat in a lotus position, cradling the bowl with his legs. He carefully selected a piece of the white fluff and held it up, bowing his head to his comrades. He tossed the first piece into the air, adjusting for wind, and snapped it up like a rattlesnake. Jared and Andy slid into combat stances and dashed at each other.
Apparently, some kind of rite had been completed.
Asuka watched the combat for a minute, stealing the occasional piece of popcorn. Andy took the lead with a string of simple combos that Jared deflected and dodged with fancy footwork. The shorter lad then began fighting back with some low kicks and long arcing punches. Andy took a few good ones before he realized he actually had to block Jared's attacks. Then he started experimenting with actually exchanging blows, one after the other. Asuka quickly came to the conclusion that Jared must have taught boxing at some point in his past, as the match struck her more as training Andy and less actually trying to beat one another to a bloody pulp. Okay, so they were sparring. The popcorn was a mystery. A tasty, irresistible mystery. "Explain," she said to John, gesturing at the popcorn bowl with a handful of the stuff.
"When one goes to the movies, they tend to eat popcorn, correct?"
The current handful was quickly depleted, then replenished. "Okay."
"And popcorn is sold and consumed at major sporting events as well, right?"
Another refill commenced. "Yes..."
"Both movies and sporting events are entertaining. Thus, it would follow to say that most entertaining events have popcorn being consumed by its spectators."
Hand dipped into bowl. "I'll give you that."
"Well, what could be more entertaining that watching Jared and Andy beating the crap out of each other? Besides beating the crap out of Jared yourself, of course."
They were sparring. He was right--not that she would admit that--watching one of them really take a beating would be entertaining. But, watching Mucha use osmosis to increase his fighting ability wasn't bad as far as entertainment went. She appropriated another handful of the excellent popcorn. "Of course."
"We just take it a step farther, and make popcorn the symbolic equivalent of throwing down one's gloves. We've developed this entire ritual for the simple purpose of declaring war on each other."
Did he even realize they were sparring? She nabbed another handful and decided he didn't. Amateur. "So... that's it?"
"Well, actually, this is the first time we've done the ritual. But I'm glad it turned out so nice."
Fucking otaku. She didn't say aloud, snatching another handful. Almost empty...
The sparring duo broke off at that moment. Both were winded and equally bruised up. Jared dropped into a Kamehameha stance. Andy stood tall and proud, looking like... well, looking ridiculous, and spread his arms out in preparation for a Final Flash.
Then the moron mating call commenced.
"KAME..."
"rrrrrrRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG..."
"HAME..."
"RRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH..."
The smaller one thrust his hands together at Andy. "HA!"
The tall one did likewise. "FINAL FLASH!"
Both expected something to happen. Nothing did, as Asuka knew it would. Or wouldn't, whatever the case.
A nice breeze swept over the roof, temporarily relieving them of the stifling heat of the massive building-wide air conditioning unit. The moronic duo didn't move, even when Asuka cast her best 'you should be ashamed of yourselves' glare at them.
"Did you guys really think that it would work?" John said absently.
"Baka." Asuka said smugly, swiping the very last bit of popped corn.
Jared and Andy lowered their hands, looking thoughtful instead of sheepish, and dusted themselves off.
"What's for dinner?" Asked Andy.
John ignored him, reaching into the empty bowl and grasping only hard kernels. He looked down. "HEY!"
* * *
The next morning, Misato again let herself into the boys' apartment, taking in the familiar sights and calling to them in a sing-song voice like an action move hero temping fate. "Guys, time to wake up!"
Silence. She frowned, tried knocking on the bedroom doors, tugged at them. All locked. No response but the occasional faint snore.
So much for the Japanese way. She cast her gaze to the kitchen.
In moments, she was ready to make coffee. Curiously, the detailed instructions from before had been replaced with something even simpler. The coffee appeared in pre-measured bags for placement into each cup. The kettle was pre-programmed and curiously, set up to turn on once the door opened. This left Misato to do nothing but ponder the changes and wait for the ding.
Soon, all was ready. She lifted the kettle in one hand. The room was empty. The cups were set with filters, waiting. She poured. As the first of many drops to come touched the ceramic cylinder, all three Americans licked their lips, waiting patiently for their own cups to be filled.
Oooooookay. I think I get it now. She handed out the mugs. "Good morning, guys."
Both John and Jared slammed back their first mug of caffeine and said, "Good morning Misato-san."
Andy held his cup like a coveted treasure and mumbled something under his breath.
"Andy says 'hi'," said John.
Jared handed John the cream and sugar. "Um, Misato-san, what time are we supposed to be at work?"
"Intel division day shift starts at 0300 hours, I think."
Andy spat his mouthful of coffee onto the counter, shooting Misato a glare as if she had just promised to deliver his family to him in five-pounded pieces, packaged individually.
John sipped at his second mug, glancing at Andy's spit-take. "Sorry for them."
"Aren't you guys now part of the intelligence division day shift?"
"Actually we never had a chance to get our assignment yesterday."
Jared and Andy shot John a 'don't tell her!' look.
Interesting. "Well, I'm sure they're looking for you."
Andy finished his coffee and stretched. It was then apparent that in his rush to get to the counter, he put his underwear on after he put his pants on. John and Jared were about to laugh, but then Jared noticed the socks on his hands and John had to pull the toothbrush from his ear.
Fortunately, Misato had seen much worse rooming with Ritsuko and Kaji in college, otherwise she would have had a good laugh at the boys' expense.
* * *
After they made themselves presentable, chased Misato out of the kitchen for suggesting she make breakfast, firmly denied her offer for a ride to work and waved the luscious tactical commander goodbye...
They went to the bathroom. It wasn't a large space, but it was clean and functional. All in all, a nice place to get rid of Misato's "cooking."
"I can't believe the woman can mess up making a cup of coffee with preprocessed filter bags!" John said after taking his turn praying to the porcelain gods.
"I'm glad I put away the sophisticated equipment. She might have killed us given enough chances." Jared said, rubbing his own stomach and looking very green. "So... what's on the agenda?"
John wiped his mouth. "Well, since we have the excuse of not knowing when our shift is, we can take our time in going to NERV. I'll lead the way, of course."
"I don't think so."
"You got lost going two blocks to the grocery store, Andy told me the whole story of why it took you the entire afternoon to get back."
Defensively, "I was taking the scenic route!"
"That's always your excuse!" John rose to his feet, then looked greener, sat down and held his head in his hands.
"Keep it down!" Andy yelled from the adjacent room.
John finally got unsteadily to his feet, straightened out his shirt, and stumbled to the door. "We do face a dilemma, gentlemen."
"Which one? The Hedgehog one?"
"No. As members of Intel, Ikari, Katsuragi, Akagi, and Fuyutsuki will all be wanting our advice, trying to tap into our vast knowledge of Eva from watching way too much of it. What do we tell them?"
"I say we just mess with their minds."
"Why did I even bother?" John asked himself.
Andy poked his head into the bathroom. He'd changed into a fresh shirt, this one in eye-popping blue. "Yeah... good idea."
The three made their way out to the kitchenette area, John musing. "I know that, but I'm questioning more in regards to, for example, interfering with key plot points."
Jared stared at the wall while he spoke. "We all know how this is going to play out if we do nothing. I say that we do what we can to keep this world in its original fan-service filled, joke cracking, Angel smashing state!" He jumped on the kitchen table. "WHO'S WITH ME?!"
John and Andy shrugged.
* * *
Outside, the weather is okay. Hot as a griddle, but the 'heroes' of this story were raised in a desert. The heat doesn't bother them.
The humidity, on the other hand...
"Are we there yet? My shirt is now stuck to my back," Complained Andy.
"Ew." Jared commented.
John glanced up at a display for a video store. A digital clock set below it read 12:54. "A real man can admit when he's lost."
"No, a real man would whip out a large automatic weapon and start demanding directions from the frightened populace." Andy made 'gun hands' to hammer is point home.
"Shut up, Ed." John blinked. "A-Andy! Shut up, Andy!" Grabbed his head. "You're Andy, not Ed!"
The other two gave John the 'we've lost him, doctor' look.
"So admit it," Jared said.
"Admit what?" John asked.
Jared smiled. "That we're lost, and that it's your fault,"
While the two begin the customary bickering, Andy pulled up a city map on his Mini-MAGI. After memorizing the directions, he turned to his friends to berate their idiocy. But a large marquee distracted him. "Isn't that the kanji for Shining Glorious Super Magical Girl Ayane R VIII?"
Jared stopped cursing John's ancestors and looked at the kanji in question. "Anime... on the big screen..." He wiped absently at the drool suddenly leaving his open mouth.
Andy ran up to the theater's ticket booth to bother the attendant. "Quick, what movie is playing here?"
"Shining Glorious Super Magical Girl Ayane R VIII, can't you read?"
"Obviously not, three tickets please."
"I'm not going," John said suddenly.
Jared grabbed one arm. "You're going."
Andy finished buying the tickets and moved to help Jared. John broke free of their grip once they were inside the lobby, startling the other patrons. "Fine! But we need to get a few rules straight. No going 'Lost Movie-Goer' in there. No spazzing out like a complete otaku. And no..." Both of his comrades were already inside of the theater. "Well, shit."
A tumbleweed rolled by, completely ignored. John rushed in to ward off any disasters.
End Chapter 5
A note from the author: Oh no, will our heroes survive this deadly encounter? What will NERV do know that they're about to have their future laid out for them by three uppity Americans? When will they finally be called 'goons'? Will the author ever release anything on time?! And these questions and more, will probably not be answered in... the next chapter of Goonvangelion!