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Neon Genesis Goonvangelion
Book 1: The Overdue Re-Write
Chapter 6: A Vacation Wrapped in an Excursion Baked in a Taco / BUS DRIVER
At NERV, Misato and Ritsuko were watching the Americans' every move from the comfort of the Commander Center.
"Where are they?" Misato asked, looking at the tiny map displayed before here.
Ritsuko looked up from checking the local theater schedule on her terminal and took a deep breath. "Watching Shining Glorious Super Magical Girl Ayane R VIII."
Like a five-year-old in the grips of a sugar buzz, "That came out?!"
"Yesterday," Ritsuko said, watching Misato all but vibrate in her chair with excitement.
"I'll have to get tickets later." Misato promised herself. Then she blinked. Work. Right. Focus. "How do you know where they are?"
Ritsuko raised a hand to the computer screen, indicating three pulsing dots. The dots are in a theater on the other side of the city. She points to another screen, where three more are in Shinji's high school, room 2-F.
"How?" Misato asked.
Ritsuko replied with a yawn. "Tracking beacons in the Mini-MAGI's. You think I'm going to let them walk around my city without a leash up their ass?"
The doctor fished a remote control out of her lab coat. Three large buttons with the Americans' names clearly labeled are centered on the face, and beneath are small buttons with the rest of the pilots' names. Ritsuko flipped a switch on the console near her. The sounds from the Arrivals' location came through along with their voices. With a wicked grin, Ritsuko pushed the three buttons in seemingly random order. Yelps of pain came over the speakers, suspiciously to the tune of 'Fly Me to the Moon.' After the first verse, however, the shouts stop.
Ritsuko frowned at her remote as one would upon seeing a fly enter one's house. "Hmmm, either the battery ran out, or they're unconscious, or dead, or have taken the Mini-MAGI's off."
"Well, I hope you're happy now, they'll never wear those things again!" Misato cried in alarm.
Ritsuko did not roll her eyes, because she was a respected scientist and was simply above such immature retorts. "Please, they have the collective attention span of a hyperactive terrier."
"But terriers can be house-trained," Misato pointed out.
* * *
After the ninety-minute movie finished and Andy successfully led them to the main entrance, then down into the Central Dogma, where...
"You're supposed to report to Sector 7, now get out of my face." Ritsuko said in annoyance.
John leaned around Ritsuko to see a first person shooter paused on her screen. "We will report to our section as soon as one thing is cleared up."
"What?"
"My Eva, I specifically requested an urban camouflage scheme to it. Yet it is white." He pulled out a clipboard with some documents on it. "Sign on the line indicated below, please."
Andy pulled out his own clipboard. "And mine was supposed to be shiny chrome, not some drab gunmetal gray."
Jared ignored the fermenting argument, throwing a few random kicks in the air as if loosening up for a martial arts match.
Ritsuko smiled. It was not a pleasant sight. "If you want a paint job, you'll have to defeat Bob, here, to get it."
A giant sumo wrestler walked into the room.
No one had to ask who this 'Bob' person might be.
"Is this in the manual?" John said.
"No, but it is fun." The smile grew wider.
Andy grumbled to himself. Jared finished his warm-ups and went for a jog.
"I AM BOB," thundered the walking mountain.
John took in the sight. "Hi, Bob."
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Can you turn down the volume?"
"WHAT?"
Ritsuko stepped in like a ringmaster, talking to Bob while gesturing to indicate what she meant as she spoke to the nearly seven-foot-tall wrestler. "Bob, these two want a new paint job for their Evas."
"TO HELL WITH THAT, THOSE FUCKERS ARE HUGE!"
"He must work with the construction crew," John finally deduced, rubbing at an imaginary beard.
Grinning wickedly, Ritsuko swung the red cloth in front of the bulls. "Bob, I told them if they beat you, I'd sign the order to paint the Evas."
"John, you first," Andy bravely declared.
"OH, NOW I GET IT. I WILL CRUSH YOU!!!"
"Definitely your turn, dude."
John was anything but unfamiliar with wrestling moves, but those were of the 'fake' American variety. Ten seconds later he was praying that he could find all of his teeth before the platypus stopped dancing.
"Your turn, Andy," Ritsuko said, her grin now positively reeking of evil.
* * *
Some time later, a crowd had gathered in Central Dogma, where the Fight of the Day was underway.
"I'm still taking bets, if anyone is interested." And Ritsuko was still taking bets, if anyone was interested.
Kaji felt he should be, having just arrived. "What's going on?"
"The boys wanted some decorative adjustments to their Evas. I said that I'd give my signature, only if they defeated Bob."
Kaji gave her a look normally reserved for people who... okay, for Andy whenever he's within a country klick of any explosives. "Bob, the former Yokozuna sumo wrestler, Bob? Bob, 'he's not a person, he's a place,' Bob?"
"The very same."
"You have an evil side, you know that Rit-chan?"
Ritsuko shrugged. "Yes. Bets are still open, this is round... twenty I think."
"Put me down for four thousand yen on the boys. What's this decorative adjustment? Some sort of new paint job?"
"John wants an urban camouflage scheme. Which is reasonable, and we were going to do it anyway. But the other one... He wants his Eva to be chrome-plated."
Kaji laughed. "Typical American boy and his toy."
"Thus, I really don't think it to be too unreasonable to require some sort of trade."
"Like paying in blood?" Kaji asked.
Ritsuko snapped her fingers. "Now you have it."
"Where is John? I just see Andy getting the pounding."
"John ran off a while ago, I would guess he gave up."
Indeed, while Jared and John are off... who knows? Andy continues to take an epic beating from Bob. The assembled NERV staffers admire (and truth be told, also fear) his resiliency. After scraping himself off of the ground with a comically over-sized spatula that would look suspiciously familiar to the audience if this story were an anime, Andy tilts his head to the side. Then the ground begins to shake, the regular thump-thump-thump of an approaching dinosaur, or...
The ceiling is suddenly torn off of the room. Unit-05's glowing red eyes lit up through the dust kicked up by its impromptu remodeling. Through the gaping hole, the assembled crowd can see the trail of destruction leading from the pyramid which contains Central Dogma all the way across the floor of the Geofront to the Eva launch tube access near the southern wall.
"Who the fuck let him into an Evangelion?!" Screamed Misato.
Bob also screamed, but more like a ten-year-old girl having a panic attack. He also elected to run away as fast as his mass would allow. Since the doors sealed shut once the roof caved in, his exit path went between the Eva's legs.
"How did you activate that thing?!" Demanded the Tactical Commander, all of five foot two and armed with a pistol, facing down a one hundred and twenty-five foot tall armor-plated weapon of war.
The massive beast shrugged. John's voice came on over the external speakers. "We're self-insert authors, we have the powers to do such things."
At that moment, Misato seriously considered hauling him out of the plug with her bare hands and pistol-whipping him until the stupid came out.
With slow, deliberate steps, Unit-05 turned away from the ruined Command Center and stalked after the sumo. John spoke through the external speakers in a gloating voice. "How about that paint job now, Bob?" He laughed maniacally as the Unit's wrist claws extended.
Eventually, Misato was given some beer and calmed down. Somewhat. Ritsuko signed off on the paint jobs. Kaji collected his winnings with a grin. The Commander let John chase Bob around the Geofront for close to a half hour before ordering the Eva back to its cage. And as an afterthought, Ritsuko ordered the tech with the giant spatula to scrape Andy off of the wall and cart him to medical.
En route, Andy was heard mumbling to himself, clearly delirious from the beating. "Did I win?"
* * *
Section Seven was NERV's own little Ministry of Disinformation, an unofficial title detested by its chief, Ikki Yamanaki. Yamanaki was proud of his post and the accomplishments of his division, and it bothered him not in the least that his great successes were all state secrets. He was by nature a kind, patient man. Married to his job but sleeping with an afternoon game of golf on the side. His frustrations were cast off among rolling green hills and tiny white balls.
Okay, I don't understand the hobby, but to each their own.
Now, however, Ikki Yamanaki had been handed the 'Goons.' Like the unofficial title of his Section, the Goon had been christened not by his own will but by the antics of the lowly technicians that greased the great cogs of NERV. The goons were trouble. They caused trouble, they attracted trouble, and if they were pricked, Yamanaki was beginning to suspect that trouble itself would bubble forth as liquid pitch from the punctured skin of a screaming, damned soul wearing a flesh suit. When they showed up for work, they asked if they had found the Ministry of Confusion, then laughed and muttered something about two flowers to themselves.
The business of Section Seven was to spy and be spied upon. The goons were to do none of the former and do a whole lot of the later. If Yamanaki could convince them not to blow up NERV, all the better. He figured he would start off with a little drill instructor impersonation.
"--smashed through the main control room, ruined four launch tubes and forty access hatches! I don't care if the Commander himself let you tear up the place, you're fixing it! And while we're on the topic--"
As far the goons were concerned, the Chief's yelling was a background murmur. He really needed to take lessons from some of their high school teachers, who weren't above using medieval weapons to keep the students focused.
(That's not hyperbole, by the way. - Ed.)
John's thoughts went something like this: It's not like they said I had to actually fight with my body. I should be praised for my ingenuity!
Andy had been doped up on the same drugs John got a taste of just after arrival: ...Oooh, I see the sounds of the music...
Jared, who had gotten lost in the Geofront and was nearly turned into street pizza by Unit-05's feet, was still in Martial Arts Master Mode: Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
As the Chief wrapped up his tirade, the goons studiously ignored him. "--Bob in traction for weeks! Now what do you have to say for yourselves?!"
Dead silence greeted Yamanaki. "Hello?!" He finally threw the pen in his hand at Jared, who kicked it back at him automatically. The pen missed the Chief's cheek by a millimeter and embedded itself in the wall behind him.
Jared blinked, realizing his foot was still raised in the follow through, lowered it, considered his fuming boss, and nudged John and Andy. The three turned around and huddled together, whispering to each other for several minutes.
Yamanaki counted slowly to ten, breathing deeply.
Finally the trio finished and faced him in a row again, all standing at attention. Jared stepped forward, the elected spokesman. "So?"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE AGREED ON!" John exploded at him figuratively.
"AND YOU'RE NOT A KOALA BEAR, YOU FAKER!" Andy put in.
Jared and John looked mildly amused at Andy's comment, then actually looked at their fuming boss. John actually leaned in for a closer look at his forehead. "You could jump a dirt bike off those veins."
Then Andy took off running.
Not from the Chief. No, his terror was spawned by the stampede of Holsteins running on the ceiling and the rivers of black bubbling pitch flooding the floor. He dove through the nearest ventilation grate, Jared and John hot on his heels. Both assumed his cries of 'mad cows,' was some kind of made-up-on-the-spot codeword.
"Well, shit," remarked the Chief.
* * *
An hour later, the goons reemerged from the same ventilation grate to find the room missing one screaming section chief.
Jared was so pleased he patted Andy on the back. "Good directional skills, dude."
"This isn't Dairy Queen!" Andy exclaimed in agreement.
Smile cracking and flaking around the edges, Jared continued to pat Andy and leaned over to whisper a question to John. "He will be alright, won't he?"
"I'd say give him another twenty minutes and keep him away from anything sharp or heavy."
Jared smiled, automatically pulling his hand back when Andy snapped at it. "Good, time to break in our new office!"
John frowned. "Who died and made you king? As, arguably, the most sane of us three, I should be in charge."
"John, you need style to be able to rule with an iron fist."
"Jared, you have neither an iron fist, nor style."
Both growled at each other and started fighting.
* * *
Finding their office was a trivial task, as it was very difficult to get lost when your commanding officer is screaming directions at you over your wrist-mounted communicator-slash-computer thingy, wedging them in between long strings of profanities.
Once they were inside, the trio combed the place like a pack of squirrels on LSD. The office was a flat olive green cube no more than four meters on a side. A single large ventilation grate was off to one side of the ceiling, and three tiny desks were set about two of the four walls. The 'bare' wall featured a small closet door towards the corner opposite the desks.
Since the room was bare and the desks were without ornamentation, chairs, pens, or candy wrappers, the goons set to work. Andy littered his desk with candy wrappers; Jared deposited a year's supply of pens on his, and John bemoaned the monolithic NERV bureaucracy that left him chair-less.
Then he found a small manual in the top drawer of his desk.
This was no ordinary operations manual. Not long after Gendo decided to put the goons into the service of NERV, a strange conversation was held within his own ominous office. The interesting bits went something like this:
Gendo, holding up the aforementioned manual, would say, "And you've taken into account everything that they could do?"
Ritsuko, looking haggard, would nod and reply, "I'm a scientist, not a behavioral psychologist. But I tried to cover the most likely problems."
John was now reading aloud the results of this conversation.
"There is no using aircraft carriers as surfboards, nor using flat-bed trailers as roller-skates."
"Darn, that's a pretty good idea," Jared said.
"No victory celebrations after a battle, especially no doing the 'bull dance' with the Lance of Longenis, nor 'spiking' an N2 mine."
"But what else is there?" Andy asked.
John pressed on. "We also are not allowed to use our Evas when we are told to 'take it outside'."
"But, where's the fun in that?"
"And no roasting hot dogs over a burning Angel's remains..."
"NOOO!" Andy cried to the heavens.
"They get worse. We aren't allowed to install hidden cameras in the women's locker room and shower area."
"Well, that rule's a week late. The cameras are already in place," said Jared.
"We aren't allowed to put bumper stickers or stamp our 'kills' on our Evas."
"Killjoys," Jared and Andy echoed one another.
"The manual specifically prohibits the release of EVA-sized ki blasts within or in the direction of the city..."
Andy finally lunged at John. "Gimmie that! ...Wait a minute... this is a MENU!"
"He'll be ok." John tried to reassure Jared. He then snatched the manual back from Andy and continued to read. "We can't climb the skyscrapers, banging our chests and swatting at passenger jets."
"WHAT?!" Andy shouted.
"We aren't allowed to post pictures of the female staff, especially Ritsuko or Misato, on the Internet. It states that they will have permission to shoot us if we do."
Jared sighed, defeated. "I better take down the web page then."
"We also can't make posters making fun of the injured pilots and hang them in the infirmary."
"You mean I can't hang that "If you're reading this, you just got your ass kicked" poster I was making?" Jared complained.
"You know guys, what disturbs me isn't the rules," John said, looking at the manual.
"Then what?"
"It's that we may be the most emotionally stable people in this entire city."
"That is scary."
Andy then screamed and pointed at his empty desk. "AAAAAHHH! LIMA BEAN!"
Jared took a few more steps away from the screaming goon. "About ten more minutes right?"
* * *
The next morning, the goons were sitting in their kitchen, finishing off their morning coffee round. Misato had come to wake them once again, but thankfully let each goon make their own cup.
Jared and Andy had switched outfits, the larger man having arrived at the counter to the coffee call in clothes clearly too small for his frame and Jared looking ridiculous in the shorts and loud Hawaiian shirt. John had come to the counter with his glasses on backwards.
All three got to listen to the conversation next door while finishing their brew, courtesy of the too-thin walls of the apartment.
"WHAT?! Did you just say that I can't go on the trip?!" Asuka's shrill voice came through loud and clear. Too loud. Concussive charges would have been kinder to nearby ears.
Misato said something that sounded like, "Yep."
"Well why not?" Asuka continued.
Misato's voice rose, clearly audible. She sounded testy, like she only had a dozen beers in her. "It's part of your job."
John finished, rinsed out his cup and got the cereal. "Is this about the school trip?"
Jared nodded, which John couldn't see since he hadn't opened the eyes in the back of his head.
"You mean I'm on permanent stand-by?" Asuka continued to protest.
"You got it." Misato said cheerfully.
The goons exchanged looks.
John sat with his cereal. "Twenty bucks says Asuka calls Misato an idiot," he said to Andy.
"It's a bet," Andy replied.
"What idiot decided that?" Asuka shouted.
Andy looked smug.
"This one. The Operations Planning Manager," Misato said.
Andy's face fell.
"Pay up." John smirked. A Jackson changed hands.
"What's the catch?" Andy asked. "Also, in all fairness, Asuka calling people names isn't exactly a rare occurrence."
"I know. There needs to be a drinking game about that or something," Jared quipped.
"This doesn't sound familiar?" John asked, trying to reign in the conversation. He snarled when Jared tried to sneak a piece of the sugary stuff out of his bowl. Jared retracted the hand as if backing up from a wolf.
"Shinji," Asuka barked. "Why don't you stop hiding behind that cup of tea and talk some sense into this woman, act like a man!"
The goons strained to hear Shinji's reply. "Actually, I kind of already expected that we wouldn't go."
"So, you've already given up," said Asuka.
"He nods," Jared said suddenly. "Asuka calls him housebroken."
"How pathetic. There's nothing more useless than a housebroken male."
"Shinji complains," John quietly added a second before Shinji spoke.
"Hey, don't talk about me like that."
"The Angel could attack while they're away," whispered Andy.
"Look, I know how you must feel, but there's just no other way. There's always the possibility than an Angel might attack while you're away," said Misato.
"The 'attack them first' speech," whispered Jared.
Asuka launched into her rant. "So I get stuck here on stand-by status while everyone else is having fun?! Why is it that we're the ones who always have to be ready to defend against them? Any good officer knows that the best defense is a good offense. Why can't we find them and attack them first?"
John stroked his chin in thought as they listened to the rest.
Misato answered, "If we could do that, we would do it. Look, think of this as an opportunity to get ahead for a change. The two of you can catch up on your studies while the rest of your classmates are on their trip." She put some steel into her voice, making the goons on the other side of the wall sit up straighter. "Or did you think I hadn't seen these report cards?"
Shinji squawked. Misato pressed on. "I guess you thought I wouldn't know about your test scores yet. Well, all of your grades are forwarded directly to my terminal, and I have been very disappointed with both of you."
Asuka chuckled, her argument thwarted. "This is so silly, and this school's grades are just dumb. The old-fashioned numeric grading scale you use on your exams is stupid."
"In Rome," John trailed off, finishing his cereal.
"--Do as the Romans do," finished Misato. "You could at least try to adjust to Japanese school life."
"Ah! This sucks!" Asuka yelled. There was silence for a moment, then someone threw themselves down on the couch next door very hard and turned on the TV.
"So--" said Jared.
"--we're in--" said Andy.
"MAGMA DIVER!" Shouted John, startling the other goons, who fell out of their chairs in a tangle of limbs.
"And Asuka is going to wear that swimsuit." Jared quietly cheered to himself, thanking the gods above for Asuka's... er, bounty.
"What is John yelling about?" Misato asked from the other apartment.
Shinji answered. "Something about lava."
But goons didn't hear him, because John was too busy fending off Jared and Andy, and Jared and Andy were too busy attacking John.
* * *
After dodging Yamanaki, the goons bribed Ritsuko to get the location of the Olympic-sized pool in the NERV fitness and recreation wing. The pilots were enjoying the pool instead of enjoying their field trip, and the goons indeed to follow Misato's advice and 'do as the Romans do.'
And they were. Two of them, anyway. Andy had taken the air conditioning express en route and was god-knows-where by now.
Jared wore a Hawaiian shirt—unbuttoned, in his size, tasteful--and Bermuda shorts; also in his size, thankfully buttoned. He completed the ensemble with some flip-flops, sunglasses, and a little neon green drink with an umbrella in it. He sat next to Shinji in one of the plastic chairs near the pool, sipping at his drink and peeking at the boy's laptop. "Studying?"
"Science. What's the drink?"
Smiling, "Science. Mountain Dew Margarita."
Asuka comes up behind Shinji in her bikini. Oh yeah, you know the one we're talking about. "Well, aren't you the good student!"
"I try," said Jared. Then he caught an eyeful of her outfit. "Well, Ms. Sohryu, you are certainly dressed for the occasion."
"I was talking to Shinji, Pervert-san. And I'm here to use the pool. Since I can't dive in Okinawa, I'll just have to settle for here."
"I have to be--" Shinji broke off as he turned to face Asuka and instead turned to face a weapons-grade deployment of cleavage.
Fortune smiled on the poor boy that minute, for Asuka was too busy looking at the screen to realize Shinji was wandering through paradise.
She calmly typed in the answer. "Hmmm, can't you solve an equation this easy?"
The boy drifted away from paradise long enough to do a double-take at the screen. "How'd you solve this, when you bombed the exam at school?"
Jared twirled his tiny umbrella in one hand idly. "She never learned kanji at the university she went to, so she couldn't read the test."
At this, both pilots looked at him suspiciously, though Shinji's gaze drifted back to Asuka's upper chest after a moment.
Asuka's suspicious look morphed into a mild scowl. "How did... Never mind, what's the next problem?"
Shinji dragged his eyes back to the laptop. "It's in regards to thermal expansion."
Jared set his drink on the table, stood, and swiftly moved behind Asuka. "That's easy. In short when things get warm, they expand, and when things cool they contract."
"I know that, but--"
"For example, if I were to warm Asuka's breasts," He cupped the 2nd Child's chest. "Would they get bigger or smaller?"
Shinji could do this math. He added up Asuka's indignation, multiplied it by disgust, and quickly worked through the long-division of righteous fury. The answer said he was talking to a dead man. Blushing, he answered, "Larger?"
Jared could count. He had about four words before consciousness was forcibly taken from him. "It was worth it."
CRACK!!!
Jared's body skipped across the length of the pool, ricocheted off the far edge, and finally came to rest against the wall. A raspy groan of pain from the body indicated that Jared was not dead, but very likely wished he was. John spared the scene a glance, then returned his attention to his swimming goddess with a sigh.
* * *
More than a mile away as the crow flies, and just shy of two miles straight down, through two layers of solid rock (let's see a crow fly through that), Andy was busy polishing his Evangelion.
His one hundred and twenty-five foot tall chrome-plated Evangelion.
"You think that this is a penalty?! HA! I am honored to have the best looking mecha in the world!!!" Andy yelled from the scaffolding around the right shoulder plate.
Ritsuko's voice came over the cage's P.A. system. "You missed a spot."
Andy stopped and looked down from the scaffolding to spy a dull spot on the lower left thigh. "Son of a BIIIIIIIIITCH!"
* * *
As their office was bugged sixty-four ways from Sunday, or any other day of the week, the goons had retreated to an underground parking garage attached to an abandoned building an hour outside of the city, to discuss their coming plans.
The pool antics of this morning are but a distant memory, save for the bandages Jared wears about his head.
"So, we have classes with Asuka today after school," John was saying.
Jared pumped a fist in the air. "YEEE--" then stopped and held onto his bandaged head as if it might fly off in joy. "Ow..."
"But their class is gone on a field trip," Andy pointed out.
"Ms. Sohryu is in a special class to help her learn Kanji, remember? Since she's staying, we obviously have to go to the class as well." John pointed out.
Jared shifted mental gears, but missed fifth and got stuck in second, picturing Asuka...
...
Ugh.
Andy gave Jared's weird slack-jawed expression a disgusted look. "Well, getting his mind off of such matters, what about Sandalphon?"
Not going to talk about the thoughts going through Jared's head as a bit of drool formed at the corner of his mouth.
"The eighth Angel?" John shrugged. "We'll just have to take it as we see it."
Jared's hands rose of their own accord to flex at the air as if groping something imaginary.
"He'll be okay, right?"
"Oh, he's just a little messed up after that pool incident."
"But he will be okay, right?"
John waved Andy's concern of dismissively. "Sure, whatever. He'll be fine. As for the eighth, the very least we could do is warn NERV."
"Such as an exact description of what it is, where it will show up, when it will show up, what its capabilities are, et cetera?"
"Well, I was thinking something faintly melodramatic and entirely evil... very Gendo-esque."
"You are evil."
"Thanks. You're version of the facts might work..."
Andy preened.
"...if we wanted to drive them completely nuts."
"Aw shucks... Hey! Isn't that what we're here to do?"
John considered this out loud. "True, but we drive them completely over the edge, who's to say they won't kill us out of the sheer lunacy?"
"We can stop bullets!" Andy said confidently.
"Not yet we can't," John countered.
Jared's hands continued to move in suggestive ways.
"Then we'll kill them first!"
John rubbed his forehead as if to drive off the coming headache and muttered under his breath. "It's like a bunch of kinder-gardeners... with automatic weapons." He cleared his throat and returned to the conversation. "Look, we'll just tell them enough so that they don't rush in too hastily."
Andy stopped making 'guns' with his hands and shooting noises with his mouth. "What?"
"Rush in too hastily. As in, too quickly?"
Andy looked even more confused than usual. "What did you say?"
"We can't just let them rush in too quickly!"
Andy tried to clear out one ear, and put on his thinking face while examining a dictionary that wasn't in his hand a moment ago. "Those words... can they be used in a sentence like that?"
John quickly applied a pair of two by fours to the backs of Andy and Jared's heads with hitherto un-heard-of-speed. The two goons were flattened comically into the concrete.
Breathing heavily, John put away the lumber. "Ed... James... Andy... Jared..." He shivered, and a third name cut his lips in a bleeding whisper. "Dave..."
Jared slowly picked himself up off the floor. "Owie..."
"Glad to see you're back among the living." John said through a haze of sarcasm so thick it was capable of supporting life.
Jared waved off the sarcasm and checked his Mini-MAGI. "Egads! We're gonna be late!" Then he noticed his unconscious frie--er, comrade. "What the fuck?"
John put a hand on his shoulder solemnly. "It's better if you don't hear the details. And relax, we have a few hours."
Jared placed his hands on John's shoulders as if he was going to tell the saner goon that his mother has just been torn apart by tentacle demons. Jared seemed to brace himself for a violence response, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, and then spoke in a low, soothing tone. "John, I want you to listen to me closely. We are lost inside of NERV. We have been lost in here since four in the morning. It's almost four in the afternoon, and we haven't even had a damn thing to eat. Now, we either haul ass like we've never hauled ass before, or we get Andy to lead us through the ventilation system again. He looked at Andy. "Who, I happen to notice, you just knocked out. Now, if we were to miss even a few minutes of Miss Sohryu's heavenly beauty, I shall have to hurt you gravely."
John looked deep into his friend's eyes, then to the bandages on his head. "She's still pissed at you."
"I know."
John's glasses glinted mysterious in the light, despite the fact the goons were enshrined in shadow. "Do you... Well, let me check my map. You carry Andy."
"Dude, you knocked him out!"
"Dude, I'm navigating!"
Jared executed an arrogant hair flip, badly. "Dude, I can navigate just fine."
"Dude, you can never get where you want to go."
"Dude."
"Dude."
Jared growled under his breath as he hoisted Andy's comatose form onto his back and obediently followed John out of the parking garage like a loyal puppy.
* * *
Asuka's Japanese Language class was the picture of both order and serenity. Like a chess match played the bank of a placid lake. Like a military cot at the bottom of said lake. Like the bodies of certain authors whose metaphor licenses have been revoked... Kanji and English words were written in a brief, precise hand at the top of a fastidiously clean chalkboard. To one side of said chalkboard stood a man befitting a different century, dressed in a manner so ancient one would require archeological knowledge (or teh internetz) to identify it. Since we're not here to talk about him, we'll just mention he's lecturing at the moment and move on.
The remainder of the classroom was also old fashioned. In previous decades, Japanese schools featured low tables for the students that sat two each, and the teacher was on a raised platform at the front of the class. This arrangement changed only after the light bulb replaced the kerosene lantern (internetz again). Changed everywhere except this room, that is. Of course, anyone knowledgeable in the history of Japanese interior design would also be quick to point out that the rest of the building is not just modern but new, as in built within the last five years new. Security would like to know how the hell a crazy history buff got into a school classroom.
Asuka, sitting alone at a table near the front of the class, didn't appreciate the décor, but being well-read at least knew the history behind it, and thought it rather matched the lecturing teacher. The sensei was being less strict than usual, which should have made her happier than she was. Something bugged her. Maybe it was the fact she was not swimming in the warm waters surrounding Okinawa right now. Maybe it was because she had bombed her test, despite her superior intellect and superb tutoring. Or maybe it's because the lights were dimming ominously...
Wait, what?
The door slid open with a thunderous crash, fog billowing in from the darkened portal. The room's floor was quickly flooded with a thick white cloud of gauzy mist. John then strolled in, the fog billowing around him like a cloak.
Or at least that was the idea.
Something whizzed by the Goon's ear, and its passing sucked the smoke from the room and stirred the oxygen, relighting the lamps. John turned slowly until he could identify the object halfway into the wall as a seemingly ordinary chalkboard eraser.
The Sensei was still holding the same stance he had been, facing the board writing down the session's lesson. When he spoke it was with the kind of authority reserved for Generals and heads of state that had earned their place as leaders of men.
"You are late."
"My apologies, I got lost."
"You are not in uniform."
"Uniform? I'm not a student."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I'm supposed to learn how to write Japanese."
Asuka fought to keep the grin from rising on her lips.
"Japanese?" The Sensei repeated. "You mean Kanji, Hiragana, and Katakana?"
"I don't need to know the names of your pets, I just want to save the world and read a newspaper without tripping over your dark-age brushstrokes."
"Perhaps you would prefer Romaji?"
"Is he an anime director? I don't think I've seen his work."
"It would seem then, that you have much to learn about Japanese writing." His voice began to rise like the tide, "And if you are here to learn, then you are a student. And if you are a student, then you will dress like one!"
John looked down at his clothes. Sneakers, okay maybe, but dark slacks, nice black leather belt with a steel buckle, and a dark grey polo shirt with the red NERV logo on the breast pocket. It'd become sort of his uniform, the kind of thing lazy animators would settle on and imply that there was nothing but the same outfit in his closet.
"How am I not dressed appropriately? I wear this to NERV and they don't mind."
"Hmph. Take your seat."
John finally took a good look at the room, settling in horror on the cushion, "Oh my God, you have got to be joking."
The Sensei threw another eraser, this time at one of the cushions, knocking it onto a neat stack in the back of the room. "If you do not like the cushions, then you will not get one."
"Crap."
"NO SWEARING!" Was the last thing John heard before yet another eraser (How amny did that guy have?) whistled through the air and smacked, cushion side first thankfully, into his forehead and knocked him back into the hallway.
Asuka couldn't help giggling, she tried to muffle it with the back of her hand, but Sensei still turned and approached her desk. The half-breed froze in terror, so scared she didn't move even when he neatly broke her desk in half.
Suddenly exposed, Jared also froze, his hand mere inches from the hem of Asuka's skirt. He cranked his head to look up at the Sensei.
"You have a serious pest problem here. Why, if you hadn't scared away that pack of vicious hobo spiders I was about to flick off of my glorious queen's leg--"
Righteous fury flooded Asuka's mind and grabbing half of her desk, she started beating the perverted goon with it until there was little remaining, then she grabbed the other half of the desk and resumed.
"Sohryu!" The Sensei barked, "Take a new seat."
Asuka rushed to comply, moving her supplies over and settling down on a new cushion. John started moaning from the hallway and eventually crawled into the room and slumped cross-legged behind the desk the Sensei had assigned him. Asuka heard him mutter, "Psycho Sensei," and shuddered that she had come up with a similar moniker her first day.
"So where's the Maniac?" She asked John.
A piece of chalk zipped by her head, blowing back her hair. Crap, the warning shot. And Jared was still in the room! John shrugged, keeping his eyes, well, his glasses, on the Sensei.
The plinking sound of falling screws preceded the loud clang of the ventilation grate hitting the floor. Andy slithered out of the duct but ended up on his head and collapsed into a heap, eventually sitting up and dusting off his mind-bending Hawaiian shirt.
Adjusting an imaginary tie, he gestured at the Sensei, "Proceed."
"You are late," Sensei declared simply.
"I was early," Andy replied.
"Class began ten minutes ago."
"I was here thirty minutes ago."
"Then why were you not in your seat?"
"The screws." To illustrate he held up one of them, "You see, they were overly tightened."
"And was the door overly tightened as well?"
"Of course not, Sensei, you and Miss Sohryu made it in okay."
"Then use the door next time."
"But that's the way they expect you to come in."
"Who is they?"
"That's just it, I don't know. They could be anyone."
"Aren't you going to tell him he's out of uniform?" John complained.
The eraser hit John's face hard enough to roll him backward over the table and into a sitting position on the cushion. He looked around confused for a moment before realizing he was in tremendous pain and grabbed his face moaning.
"Nice throw! I've been trying to get him to shut up for years now."
Jared sat up suddenly, his wounds mysteriously bandaged, "Someone shut John up?"
"No thanks to you, Waddell."
"You asshole!" A piece of chalk broke the sound barrier next to Jared's ear, but for all he reacted it might have been a fly. "If you make me late again I will personally break your three favorite fingers."
Andy stood up. A piece of chalk exploded against his forehead, sprinkling his black hair with white dust. It may have been a fly performing a touch-n-go. "Oh ho, is that a challenge?"
Jared stood up too, "Anytime! Anywhere!"
Both boys slid into the classic fireball stance.
"KAMEHAMEHA!!!" Jared roared.
"GALLET GUN FIRE!!!" Andy countered.
Silence.
"You guys knew that wouldn't work, right?" Asuka asked.
"Wishful thinking?" Andy offered.
"Speaking of," Jared said, "I wish I had some whipped cream, chocolate syrup, some cherries..." turning to Asuka, "Are you allergic to cherries, my dear?"
Asuka snapped her table in two with her bare hands and threw half at each moron. "DIE, YOU FREAKS!"
Andy ducked the desk, as Righteous Fury can only be focused in one direction at a time. It sailed on until John unknowingly caught it with his much abused forehead and was finally knocked out. Jared took the full force of the fury (say that five times fast - Ed.) and stayed on the ground with his wreckage.
Asuka's satisfaction was short-lived as another eraser found the temple of her head and put her lights out. Five erasers, sixteen pencils, and three desks later, Andy was put down as well.
"You all will learn," The Psycho Sensei declared.
"Defeat... will... only... make... me... stronger..." Wheezed Andy in the delirium of his Psycho Sensei-induced nap.
* * *
After the Classroom Massacre cleaned out the office betting pool, the quartet of wounded were send to one of NERV's infirmaries. Primarily because the attending doctor thought it would be funny, Andy and Jared were paired off in one room while John and Asuka were stuffed in an adjacent one. A thin, thin wall separated the two rooms.
"Mornin'." John offered Asuka as she pulled her eyes open.
She checked the clock and gave him a frosty glare. "It's late afternoon."
"Indeed."
Andy made it known to all he was awake, through the wall. "THIS ISN'T OVER, SENSEI! NOT BY A LONG SHOT!"
John frowned. "I worry about him sometimes."
The wall proved utterly inadequate in silencing the following cavalcade of maniacal laughter.
Shuddering, Asuka turned her nose up at the goon in the room. "It's not like you're any better. You're just as bad as both of them combined."
"Yes, but when you combine them, they can cancel each other out and you get a rational guy." He smiled a winning smile.
"Just stay on your side of the room."
Through the wall, "YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE MY WRATH!!! BWAHAHAH--"
Which was cut short by a metal-pan-hitting-head type of clang, followed by Jared's voice. "SHUT UP! Some of us are trying to grope the nurses! Ahem, where was I?"
Which was naturally followed by another, matching clang.
"It's a shame those two had to ruin class, I was hoping to actually learn to read. It's a pain to have to rely on others to do the simplest of tasks." John mused.
"Yeah..." Asuka then realized that she was actually agreeing with him. Quickly, "But at least I don't suffer that weakness."
"Ow! What the fuck? Do I have lice or something? All these head wounds... And where is the beautious Asuka?!" Apparently, Jared had rediscovered consciousness. Reality remained elusive, as ever. "WHERE IS MY DARLING?! IF THAT FOUL WOMANIZER, GENONI, HATH DOTH TOUCH BUT ONE SPARKLING FIERY HAIR ON HER SWEET HEAD, MY RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE SHALL FALL UPON--"
A more enthusiastic clang cut him off this time, followed by a solid thud.
John glared at the wall failing to block out the noises.
"That was for the sneak attack, and this is for my donut!"
The cacophony was complete once the sounds of Jared and Andy fighting could be heard.
Asuka tried on some tact and found it wanting. "So... they've always been like this?"
John shrugged. "As far back as I can remember. But I try to keep them contained."
"Not that I've seen."
"You are aware that Andy can do the Final Flash in his Eva, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Yet the world is still here, correct?"
"Apparently. Your point?"
"Andy would've blown this place to kingdom come a long time ago if he wasn't so busy fighting Jared and myself. On the other hand, Jared would've already bedded you and driven the rest of this city nuts if he wasn't so occupied with fighting Andy and myself."
Cracking her knuckles. "And what do they do to keep you in check?"
John grinned, creepy in the hyperbole-ic sense with the lens glare factored in. "Who says I'm kept in check? But I suppose I'd have done something bad by now if I wasn't so busy watching those two."
Asuka would have climbed up the wall if it was possible, just to get further away from the goon.
"On a lighter note," Under his breath, but nearly quietly enough, he added, "If there is such a thing in this series..."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"You just said--"
"I said nothing. You really wanted to go diving, didn't you?"
Asuka looked about to argue, but instead filed that indiscretion away for later. "Don't remind me."
"I was just wondering, what if an Angel really did attack, but it was really deep below the surface?"
"Surface? Of what, the Pacific?"
"Oh, I mean underground, like in a dormant volcano?"
"I'm sure they would come up with a plan to defeat it."
"Like maybe send a pilot down to fight it?"
"You mean attack it? I wish. I'm getting sick of always waiting for them to attack."
John hopped out of bed. His smile of actual joy was even creepier than his creepy smile. "Then be ill no more! For I have a cunning plan to... is there a draft in here?" John looked at the hospital smock filling in for his business casual wardrobe.
"HENTAI!"
Jared and Andy settled back down in time for John to fly through the wall and get tangled in some medical equipment. Why a rack of med stuff would stop him when a wall couldn't is anyone's guess. Once his body came to a stop, Andy moved in to check if John was dead (and finish him off if he wasn't), while Jared tried to check on Asuka (or was that check her out?) but was stopped when John's hospital bed flew through the hole in the wall at freight train speeds.
* * *
The wreck that had been made of the east wing of the infirmary was set upon by the NERV repair crews like a pack of investment bankers on a lost wallet. The four pilots were shuttled into an undamaged wing and left in separate rooms until they were checked out. Asuka left early that evening. John and Andy were not far behind. Jared left almost three hours later with a dozen pounds of gauze and the precise measurements of the infirmary's entire female staff.
Back at the apartment, they began their meeting.
It was Jared's turn to speak first. "Now that that's over with, we must train to reach the next level of power in the plan."
Andy snarled, wishing he had his WWII helmet on because it always added a little edge to his snarls. "For once I agree with you, Jared. I must make that Sensei PAY for the humiliation he inflicted on me!"
John calmly added, "I have yet to inform NERV about the next Angel."
"Then CALL them, damn it! We'll be outside." Andy turned to Jared. "Prepare to suffer, witless fool!"
Jared looked at the fistful of phone numbers he'd managed to get at the infirmary. Sure, most of the nurses were all too eager to give him a head injury that required a CT scan, but some were pretty receptive. 'Some' being equal to 'twelve.' Now he'd be dealing with Andy while John played on the phone with the doctor. He gave the phone a forlorn look, tucked the numbers, and slugged Andy.
Instead of falling to the floor like a sack of particularly dull stones, Andy's body picked up a trajectory and flew through the wall behind him. Jared dashed after the goon, preparing to finish him off so he could steal the phone from John and try some phone sex with the good doctor.
John stood and stared the hole in the wall for a second before sighing. He picked up the phone and dialed. On the third ring, Ritsuko picked up. "Moshi moshi?"
"I'll make this short and sweet, Doctor. Mount Asamayama Earthquake Research Institute will report an anomaly soon if they haven't already. The Angel, Sandalphon, will be at a depth of seventeen hundred and eighty meters by the time your operation will be ready due to lava currents. If you hurry, there will be a chance to capture and subdue, but only if you act now. Otherwise it will grow out of its weak larval form--"
"Absorb two robots and become complete?"
"DAMN IT, WOMAN, I'M SERIOUS! ...Hello? Hello?" John hung up and dialed again.
Ritsuko answered. "Domino's Pizza! May I take you order?"
"Yeah, can I get a large pepperoni... er, I mean..." He glared coldly at the receiver. "Don't do that again." In reply, the receiver emitted a clear 'click,' signaling the doctor hanging up on him. Growling low in his throat, he dialed again. If only this woman didn't get off on pushing his buttons with a hammer.
"1-900-HOT-BABE, what's your pleasure?"
John simply clapped his hand over his mouth. Play along, turn the tables, answer honestly... no option was safe.
He gathered himself, hung up, and threw the infernal phone out the window.
* * *
Ritsuko's office rang with laughter. Winding down, the doctor shook her head at her phone. "He's too easy, really."
As if to test her skill, the phone rang again. Ritsuko immediately picked up. "This is Butter, and I'm sizzling for you." Wondering if John would be capable of coherent speech this time, she took a sip from her mug.
"...You told me you stopped doing that after college, Doctor," said Gendo from the other end of the line.
Ritsuko spit-take was caught on only one security camera, and she would be deleting the footage that night. "Uh... Well... Um..."
"There's time enough for that later. The Mount Asamayama Earthquake Research Institute has reported an anomaly at a depth of fourteen hundred meters in the magma. The MAGI say that there's a fifty-fifty chance that it's an Angel."
Ritsuko's ears screamed for help. Her mouth played for time. Her brain hid under its metaphorical desk, gibbering in abject terror.
A tumbleweed blew through the office, propelled by the drafts from the air condition system. "..."
"Akagi?" Came out of the phone.
She grasped at straws, cursing his name. "John... That little shit."
"Dr. John Toyamota is a top researcher, I would hope you would have more respect for him, Doctor."
"THE OTHER JOHN, YOU PRICK!"
"..."
"Um, oops."
"Maybe some time off would be in order for you, Dr. Akagi. I'll have Misato take care of the operation, okay?"
Ritsuko hung up the phone in slow-motion.
In his apartment, John set down the voodoo doll wearing a white lab coat, and began cackling.
* * *
By early o'clock the next day, the pilots were assembled in a darkened briefing room. Misato was in the middle of her briefing. "...So currently the Angel is in larval form. Therefore the objective of this operation is to capture the Angel, and if that's not possible, destroy it. Any questions."
Shinji turned to the tallest American. "Andy, why did you insist on this seating arrangement?"
Andy had insisted on this seating arrangement at the beginning of the meeting. So insistent, in fact, that security was now possession of three shiny new fifty-caliber pistols and a bowl-loosening sense of foreboding.
"You need to even ask? Safety's sake, of course." Andy said.
"Safety?'
Andy sighed. He hated this 'explanation' stuff. "We have to keep Jared away from Asuka and John away from Rei. Who better to assign this vital task them the guy who blows up the whole world and the guy who eats an Angel."
Misato would have put a halt to the pilots-only question and answer segment by now, but she was too busy trying to divorce her jawbone from the floor.
Shinji won the race to resupply his mouth with words. "...W-WHAT?!"
"Oh, I guess it hasn't happened yet, never mind. Besides, it was really your mom that ate the Angel." Andy has this unique ability to make the people around him feel like an advanced pentagon weapon system is boiling their brain inside of their skull.
"WHAT?!" Shouted Shinji.
"Shinji with a backbone is kinda scary." Jared added.
John pulled out some popcorn and began munching on the buttery goodness. "Yes, but quite entertaining." Flippantly, "We'll have to kill Andy after Shinji gets done with him."
By now everyone else was crowed around Andy. Andy put his hands to his face. "SOLAR FLARE!" A whole bunch of absolutely nothing happened. "I said, SOLAR FLARE!"
Ominous silence.
Then Jared jumped to his feet. "Oh, oops." He turned off the projector that was lighting up the room, then hits the main lights.
The sudden illumination blinded everyone, allowing Andy to escape through the ventilation ducts yet again.
"ANDY!" Shinji roared, then dived into the duct in hot pursuit.
"Ummm... Well... Moving on, the pilot for this Assignment will be... Asuka. You will carry out the mission."
Jared and John started, and searched their persons for earplugs in growing panic while Asuka put the back of her hand near her mouth. "OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! But of course. Only a real pilot like me could possible carry out such a vital mission!"
"Actually, your EVA is the only one that can be fitted with the proper equipment for the mission."
Asuka stared at the Major as if she'd just field dressed a rabbit on the briefing room's table.
A tumbleweed drifted through the room.
"how did that get in here?" Rei asked.
"John, maybe?" Misato said helplessly, not sure even what the... thing merrily bounding across her floor actually was.
John just smiled. "Just a little touch of home."
Suddenly, Andy fell through the roof vent. He flipped in mid air but missed his seat by a foot, hitting the ground with a thud.
John turned to the arrival. "Ah, Andy. You finally lose Shinji?"
"Yes. Damn, I had to double-back several times before I lost him."
"Where did you lose him?" Jared asked.
Andy opened his mouth, looked helplessly at the Major, then whispered to John. "EVA graveyard."
Countless hundreds of meters and thirty-four armored doors away, Shinji was screaming his head off.
Here and now, John went into damage control mode. "We'll talk later. Jared, walk this way."
"What happened? Where did he leave Shinji?"
John motioned Jared over and whispered to him, "EVA Graveyard."
Jared looked at Andy. "We'll talk later." To John, "I hope he doesn't find the--"
* * *
"AAAHHH! IT'S REI... AND REI... AND REI... AND REI..."
* * *
"That's right next door," Andy cut in.
"What's right next door?" Misato asked, and was promptly ignored.
"We'll talk now." Jared and John echoed each other
Both broke a two-by-four over Andy's head, then rushed out of the room.
Flummoxed, Misato lifted her hands into the air. To no-one in particular, "What the hell?"
Asuka waved dismissively at the other two women in the room. "Feh, I have a date with fame and have to get ready. Later."
End Chapter 6
A note from the author: In the script version of this episode, we ended on a happier note. Speaking of script fanfics, I have suddenly come to the realization that although I'm free to wax nostalgic in my authors' notes, readers under the age of twenty-five (as of 2009) would be inclined to simply ignore me, so I'll skip that.
I suppose the only thing left to do know is give you the recipe for our signature Mountain Dew Margarita. Yes, this is an actual drink concocted in a fit of tequila deprivation. It isn't great, but it's cheap, easy, and it has caffeine in it. Drink responsibly, people.
MOUNTAIN DEW MARGARITA:
6 oz. Mountain Dew (half a can)
1 shot (more or less to taste/desired strength) tequila, this is about 1.5 oz
Juice of 1 lime, freshly squeezed
Ice, as we make this one 'on the rocks.'
INSTRUCTIONS:
Do I look like Alton brown? In order, put the ice, lime juice, tequila and Mt. Dew in a cup of your choosing (16 oz glass would be best). Stir. Salted rim optional, enjoyment mandatory.