Neon Genesis Goonvangelion

Book 1: The Overdue Re-Write

Chapter 10: Machina / Lamest Closing Chapter Ever!

(Hello readers! Did Youtube have that Getter Robo clip? Did you see the part where they cut three planets in half with an energy ax? Anyway, onto the boring-by-comparison story! - Ed.)

Misato opened the door to the interrogation room mindful of the last time the Goons were summoned here. Thankfully, the room's sole occupant was not swinging from ceiling fixtures that should be impossible to swing from, or drugged and ranting about invisible fairy-tale beasts that were assaulting him. Depressingly, he was sitting still, staring at the far wall, not even noting her presence.

Jared. Quiet.

Misato observed the goon while she beat her fight-or-flight response into submission. Once her pulse rate put on the brakes, she approached the room's only table, setting a slim folder on the desk in front of him. The usual cavalcade of nervous tics alarmed her by not being there. Who was this calm, resigned statue that replaced Pilot Waddell?

"I'm alive, in case you were wondering," he said without looking up.

Was the crazy American trying to imitate Shinji? The Major shrugged at her internal question and sat. Opened the folder before her slowly. Looked her subordinate square in the eye. Normally, she would need a set of eyeballs in her cleavage to meet his gaze. She adjusted 'the girls.' The Goon didn't blink. "Pilot Waddell-"

"And they're dead."

Misato closed the folder. She didn't have time for this crap. "Waddell-"

"I KILLED THEM!" Jared howled, leaping to his feet and pounding a fist on the table. He pulled out a CD player repaired with duct tape and some battered multi-media speakers that looked practically prehistoric. A melancholic tune on violins played tinnily from the speakers. "...I was just a boy." Jared hung his head while the dirge played. Sakura petals fell around him forlornly. He discretely pushed the stop button when the CD player started skipping.

"If you're done?"

Jared swept the audio gear off of the table and sat, eyes glued to her neckline. His foot tapped a random pattern on the floor. "I'm not. Could you pant for me?"

Misato's fingers moved to reopen the folder and scrapped against bare metal. Her frown deepened. She blinked, then Jared was reading the report, halfway through in fact.

"Hmm..." He didn't look up.

"Pilot Waddell!" Misato held her hand out expectantly.

Jared leisurely handed the folder back to her. "Did I pass?"

"Pass what?" Misato snapped.

Jared shrugged, picking at the table top with his thumb. "That carefully arranged play to gauge my fighting abilities."

The Major sighed. "Waddell, not everything is about you damned Americans."

Jared smirked. "Oh yes it is."

Misato opened her folder. "Did it occur to you that we might want to capture the ninja alive and question him?"

Jared stared blankly at her.

"Waddell?" Misato prompted.

"Oh, you were being serious. That... was an actual question. Um..." He pulled at his collar, eyes like a mouse strapped to a tiny electric chair. "I-you..." He shook his hands at her.

"Well?"

"I'm sorry, I just-I can't believe... well I can, but... Look, Misato, do you really try to interrogate the assassin? What am I going to ask him? 'Who sent you?' I mean, that doesn't exactly... oh. I probably should have asked... who sent him. Okay, I'm sorry. Next time I get attacked in public by a fully-trained ninja while protecting industrial secrets, I'll literally stick my neck in front of the business end of a sword and ask the assassin who he works for instead of keeping myself and my charges alive."

"You're a trained ninja and you had him on the ropes."

Jared stopped tapping his foot and looked at Misato like she'd just revealed to him that this whole thing was happening in someone else's head. Slowly, he spoke, "What was that?"

Misato didn't bat an eyelid. "I said, you're the trained ninja. You were clearly winning that fight. Why didn't you interrogate him?"

"What the hell makes you think I'm a trained ninja?"

"Waddell, this is no longer cute. Do you really expect me to believe you aren't a fully trained ninja?"

The Goon put his hands up in surrender. "I'm not a ninja. I'm just the second-greatest martial artist to ever live."

"And you're completely full of shit."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, boss."

"Where did you get Ninjitsu training?" Misato asked using her 'official' voice.

"I picked it bits and pieces here and there."

"Waddell, that statement is so obviously and patently a lie, I do not even have to pick it apart."

"Look, if someone in NERV or S-those other guys, wanted to make me or... my comrades look bad, there's certainly easier ways of doing it. I'm sure the cops have means in place to deal with ninja threats-besides throwing me at them. And we're being watched by like a dozen different departments too, if this was really a grab for the engineers' hardware, they would have waited until I buggered off. Too much heat. Someone wanted me there. Someone wanted me to fight that ninja, to see what I was made of. Possibly to take me out... hell, for all I know, it was there to kidnap me."

"Then the hardware was a decoy?"

"Bingo, not that I'm there yet."

"Where yet?" Misato asked.

"Nowhere," Jared confirmed with confidence.

Pilot and commanding officer watched each other closely for a minute.

"What makes you sure?" Misato finally asked.

"Ritsuko had an identical unit in her lab when Andy and I asked her about ki attacks."

"And what is it?" Misato pressed.

Jared sat perfectly still again. All of his usual fidgeting was gone, eyes dead calm. "A brainwave synthesis and encryption-slash-decryption system. Sort of a little AI on a chip, if one had a personality to apply to it."

Misato didn't dare breathe, not when every neuron in her head was focused on keeping her expression the same skeptical, scathing glare it had been since she walked into the room. She didn't know quite what she had stumbled across, but Jared had just told her something very, very bad. She licked her lips, mouth working on autopilot, tone sarcastic. "Well, that's helpful. Do you have anything constructive to add to my report?"

Jared leaned back in his hair, his usual mannerism back in place as though it had never left. "It was twenty-four degrees outside last night, not twenty-five."

Misato didn't even snark at him as she left the room.

Ritsuko was waiting outside, the poor lighting in the green corridor giving her skin a sickly pale coloration. "Well?"

"I need a broom," Misato answered, opening the door on the far side of the hallway labeled 'Cleaning Supplies.'

"For what?" Ritsuko asked slowly, knowing the answer was not going to make her happy.

"To beat the living shit out of that retard," Misato said crossly. She picked over several vicious-looking fighting mops, and settled on a stout metal rake instead. As she picked it up, power seemed to flow forth from it, undeniable power that could carve apart the foundations of the world like a chainsaw through cheesecake.

Ritsuko leaned against the door frame of the cleaning closet. "Not that I'm ever opposed to violence towards Americans on general principles, and towards the Goons because they're the Goons, but did he do something specific to earn this beating?"

Misato tested the balance of the rake and waved Ritsuko out of her way. "He stole NERV property."

Ritsuko moved aside. "And hid it in that little lab attached to their apartment?"

Misato stopped in the doorway. "You know where it is?"

"Yes," Ritsuko confirmed. "We don't have them under surveillance for no reason."

"Can we pretend you didn't say that and let me beat him up anyway?"

"Be my guest," Ritsuko gestured to the cell door with a bow. "This conversation never happened."

Misato gave her a feral grin, opening the interrogation room door.

"Misato!" Jared said from inside. "Oh, moving onto the kinky stuff already?"

"Yeah," Misato said from inside. "Bend over."

Ritsuko grimaced and closed the door.

Asuka was not amused. The Goons, who apparently did little but think up and execute convoluted plans to piss off all of NERV and most of the civilian population above, had summoned her to a little-used storage area. When she arrived, who was there to greet her, but John. Wearing a cheap guard uniform that looked like a rental costume, and sitting behind a desk that was a yard sale reject.

Asuka put on her best smirk as she approached. "Hi Worm, what was the call about?"

John gestured to one of the storage room doors. "Training. Jared wants to talk to you."

"Okay," Asuka made for the door.

"Hold on a sec, firecracker. You aren't carrying any weapons, are you?"

Asuka whirled around and shot him a glare. Just who did he think he was? "Just who do you think you are?"

"In charge, for one thing," The Worm said, nonplussed by the glare. Slowly, he rose and put his hand on the doorknob. "The rules are simple," he drawled. "Stay on the right. Don't make eye contact with the other prisoners. Don't talk to the other prisoners. Jared will be in the last cell." He opened to the door to what must have been a broom closet.

Inside was a long hallway. Concrete wall on one side. Jail cells on the other. Asuka leaned around John to look at the plaque on the door. 'Cleaning Supplies.'

She sighed. "Right, Worm."

He closed the door behind her. Inside, the walls were painted concrete, the cell doors steel bars. Andy was in the first cell, dressed in orange and playing checkers with a stuffed koala bear. "CHEATER!" He thundered, pointing at the bear and shaking with fury.

She moved on. In the next cell sat John, wearing prison black-and-whites and playing a nameless tune on a mouth harp.

Next cell was Andy again, and Asuka paused. Did she really want to go back and investigate? Was there trap doors hidden in this... this...

She shook her head and moved on. She wasn't going to wake any more brain cells on this.

After another three cells of John, and two more of Andy, trying their hands at a few prisoner stereotypes from old American movies, she ran into Jared. "All right, Pervert. What's up?"

Without looking up from the pile of papers he was scribbling on, "Bone Shinji,"

Okay, so this was going to be a waste of time. "How is that relevant to our training?"

"It's not," The Jared conceded. "I just want you to know I'm all for vigorous hip thrusts on a horizontal plane."

Asuka had to actually bite her tongue to keep it from firing back an incendiary reply. "Anything else revolutionary you wish you reveal?"

Jared stopped scribbling and looked at her. "I'd like to invite you to dinner-"

"Go fuck yourself."

"You didn't let me finish," said the Pervert. "The whole crew-us Americans, the other Eva pilots, and a good chunk of the bridge crew, plus a few extras-are going out to dinner. A social act to cement the ties of this new team, if you will."

Asuka stared. "That's... actually not a bad idea."

Jared wrote something on one of the papers with a flourish. "Hah! Done!" He looked at Asuka. "Oh, I need to ask you, what do you think of Shinji?"

"He's a wimp."

Jared waited with a knowing smile that wilted to a displeased frown. "That's it?"

Asuka shrugged. "He's a coward. Useless on the battlefield unless you push him until something breaks, can't be depended on to-"

"That's a combative analysis." Jared mused, setting down his pen. "Commonly used on personal grounds to keep oneself at a distance from others, usually to hide from remembrance of past pain, particularly when one does like to be thought of as weak."

Asuka blinked.

"So, if you dropped the ass-kicking attitude around him, he might open up. Shinji is a reflexive pacifist. He has his place in combat, but to put that analysis above what you think of him as a person." He sighed. "Like me, you are a reflexive fighter. The two mix like... well, remember that little bomb we used to take down the last Angel?"

Asuka nodded. "That actually makes some kind of sense. Who are you and what have you done with the real Jared?"

"Will the real Jared please stand up?" The Goon asked the cell walls. "Anyway, I need to deliver this manuscript. I'll let Misato pick and place and time for dinner. Sound good?"

"Manuscript?" Asuka asked, already turned to leave.

"Hey, we three are writers," Jared said.

Asuka scoffed and left. Moments after the door at the end of the hall shut behind her, John stepped into the corridor from the other end.

"Success?" He asked the Goon in the cell.

Jared shrugged. "We'll call it one. Now, to talk to Ritsuko about a new Mini-MAGI."

"Oh, have some ideas floating around in that cesspool you call a brain?" John asked.

Jared shook his head. "Nope. I broke the experimental one she gave me. I need my base model back."

"She'll skin you alive!" John exclaimed. "Can I bring a video camera?" He quickly added, then thought for a second and continued with another question. "How'd you break it?"

"That chip I stole was designed to build an AI system. The Mini-MAGI has enough processing power to handle the rest of the processing. So... I put them together."

"And it blew up," Andy finished from the next cell. "Boom! Whee!"

"No, actually. It just quit working. No puff of smoke or anything. I was afraid a Thermite charge would go off or something, so I was really careful... but apparently not careful enough."

"So what kind of AI were you trying to build?" John asked.

"Uh... I don't actually remember what I was trying to make. I'm sure it was a good idea though." Jared nodded to himself.

"How do you know?" John pressed.

"Because I tried it," Jared said.

"You said the same thing about-"

Andy was cut off by Jared waving his arms around and yelling. "At the time! It was a good idea at the time!"

The Goons were lucky that Ritsuko was in her office when they arrived, but then John and Andy got very mad when Jared ducked through the door first and swiftly closed and locked it behind him. Andy was especially angry, since he stuck with the role of Sound Bitch while John got to be Camera Man.

Inside, Jared dodged the guillotine blade, used it as a shield against the auto-turret fire, then had to use his shoes to deflect the giant homing shirukens. After the barrage was over, he Posed Mightily on top of the remains of the guillotine, shoes shredded and hair smoking.

"Seriously!" he shouted. "Take up a hobby or something! This is getting old!"

Ritsuko didn't look up from her terminal. "This office is booby-trapped as a matter of internal NERV policy mandated by the Japanese government. If you don't like it, take it up with them."

"I will," Jared groused, climbing down from the guillotine blade. "Rit-chan, I need my Mini-MAGI back."

"Then you've got your wires crossed, Pilot, I don't have it."

The Goons looked at the remains of his shoes and tried them on with a frown. "You can call me Jared, you know."

"Don't sass me, Pilot Dumb-ass," Ritsuko replied.

"I thought Andy was Pilot Dumb-ass," Jared mused.

"Fine. You lost your Mini-MAGI." Ritsuko tapped a few keys on her terminal, glared at the screen, and spun her chair around to face the intruder. "Congratulations on being the first person in NERV to utterly demolish a Mini-MAGI unit."

Jared wiped a nonexistent tear from one eye. "I'd like to thank the Academy... But seriously, I think that ninja stole it or something."

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "That dead ninja? The one whose body is in lockup?"

"This is a ninja we're talking about," Jared admonished.

"No, we're talking about a tightly integrated, passive locating circuit built into that Mini-MAGI. One that's not responding, indicating it's either not on Earth, or it has been destroyed. Ergo, congratulations; and here's the bill." Ritsuko reached into a random drawer on her desk and produced a single sheet of paper, handing it to Jared.

The sole item on the invoice is an experimental Mini-MAGI loan unit. The replacement cost was listed as a whopping five hundred million US dollars. Jared whimpered when he read the invoice, and gave Ritsuko his best puppy-dog eyes. "Doesn't killing an Angel earn me a little discount?"

"It does," the doctor conceded with an evil grin. "In fact, it takes a whole five dollars off the total."

"Can I make payments, or-"

Thunder raked across the ceiling as black flames roar to life behind Ritsuko. The doctor rose from the floor, floating. Her eyes burned crimson. Tiny mushroom clouds bloomed in her irises. Lightning struck the floor behind her and set fire to... well, to something, while a continuous thunder echoed through the office. Her voice cut the air like a bloody scythe. "YOU WILL GIVE ME ONE POUND OF FLESH!"

"Can I deliver it in liquid form?" Jared asked, ducking the requisite slap. "It's not like it's the end of the world, I'm just asking for a normal Mini-MAGI!"

The lighting and flames were gone. Ritsuko, eyes normal, leaned back in her chair with a smirk. "Sure. Just pay up."

Jared sighed, raised his hands as if to protest, sighed, and turned to leave. Opening the door, he found a glass being held an inch from his nose.

John was holding the glass to his ear, with Andy mimicking his pose to one side.

John quickly held the glass like he wasn't using it as a listening device, and looked casual. "We... were looking for a water fountain." John elbowed Andy, who gave a start and held the cup like a sane person.

From within, Ritsuko said, "That door is sound-proofed, you know."

Jared shrugged and stepped outside.

"We noti-" Andy began, cut off by John smacking him in the head.

While glaring at Andy, John said to Ritsuko, "What an odd thing to remark upon at this juncture."

"Isn't it?" Ritsuko replied as the door shut.

"Did you score?" John asked Jared.

"No," the Goon sighed. "I didn't get my Mini-MAGI, either."

John was about to say something derisive when an anonymous technician bolted down the corridor towards them and skidded to a stop, panting. He was a wretched man, born without any distinguishing features. All three Goons watched the young man catch his breath and wordlessly offer Jared an envelope.

Jared smiled at the unremarkable man. "Hey, Hiro Nabumushi, third level motor pool technician, C-grade. How's the cat doing?"

The young man replied in a non-committal manner. Jared took the envelope. "I'll see you around, Hiro. Remember; pool at our place tonight."

The young man nodded as Jared took the envelope and opened it. John and Andy talked with the technician for a moment while Jared read the anonymously delivered document.

As Jared closed the paper, the young tech bid his goodbyes.

Andy spotted Jared's grin first. "Good news?"

Jared nodded. "To the apartment, my fellow pilots."

"Oh, what the hell, dude?" John shouted. The ground-floor parking garage beneath their apartment building was, like all indoor parking areas, prone to very loud echoes. John didn't care, however. Right now he had a bone to pick... with a car. "This thing has to be illegal or something!"

The 'thing' John was pointing at was huge. Fire-engine red with black racing stripes positioned strategically on the sheet metal made it look like it was doing ninety miles an hour while parked. Repaired from when someone dropped a ceiling on it, the car gleamed ominously at the three Americans as if it were daring them to drive it granny style around Tokyo-3.

"Dude," Jared said, trying to placate the raging beast with slow, nonthreatening hand gestures and a sweet voice.

"This thing predates catalytic converters, environmental preservation, and the invention of the seatbelt! It's a four-wheel, dinosaur blood guzzling, murder machine! Gas mileage in the single digits! Smells like a petroleum refinery fire when it runs. If it runs!. You've made this entire parking lot an environmental disaster area. This... thing is a declaration of war on the atmosphere!"

"Dude,"

"Is there even a gas station in Tokyo-3?"

"Dude!"

"WHAT?" John yelled.

"You haven't heard the engine yet," said Jared.

John pointed at the car. "It's transmission was nicknamed the Rock-Crusher! I'm not going to hear it, I'm going to feel-"

Jared put on his best Buddha smile. "Just listen, my testosterone-deficient roommate, it will awaken the man in you and quell this troublesome logic clogging your food-hole."

John switched to Incendiary Glare #3 and gestured at the car, daring Jared to start it.

Jared hopped into the driver's seat. Cranking over, car sounded like a yawning dragon, awakening at its own pace. Soon it took a deep breath, and there was a roaring like a hundred cannons filling the space. Then a threatening snarl at rock concert volume levels. Car alarms were going off, not that anyone could hear them over the sonic equivalent of the apocalypse. Andy and John squinted, their eyes watering from the fumes. Local seismometers quivered. A man walking by the entrance to the parking garage was struck full-on by the sound waves and fell over dead.

The car had already killed someone, and it was only idling.

Jared killed the noise as Misato walked out of the elevator in a daze. She walked towards the car is if a trance and draped herself over the hood with a vacant look in her eyes and a slight drool.

After staring up Misato's skirt for a minute, John tried to speak, cleared his throat, and said, "Okay, you make a compelling argument,"

"WHAT?" Andy shouted, picking at one ear in a futile effort to stop the ringing.

Jared grinned. "Nice, right?"

"That... car rattles a part of my brain I try to suppress," John said.

The grin got wider. "So you like it."

"...Shut up."

"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?" Andy asked at even higher volume levels than normal.

Even though it must have tore something, Jared's grin got even wider. He fired up the engine again, causing Misato to squeal, then coo as the arcane explosion-harnessing machinery contained under the sweep of the hood shook the chassis. The Goon gave the loud pedal a quick tap, causing a hospital a few blocks away to collapse, then killed the motor and stepped away from the car, closing the door.

A positively disheveled Misato stood and offered him a cigarette. "Was it good for you?"

"I hate you," John said.

Jared took the offered cigarette with a smile. He handed Misato a folded bit of paper. "Dinner. Tomorrow...ish. We'll take my car." He smiled, said to John, "I'm going to talk with the kids. Be back in a minute."

Asuka answered Jared's knock with a frown. "Now what?"

"I need to talk to Shinji," Jared said.

"He's in his room," Asuka said shortly.

He smiled. "Good. That's not far; I won't get lost."

"Fat chance," Asuka countered, and led him to Shinji's door. "Pervert delivery!" She announced.

"Asuka, I don't want to see your panties," Shinji said from within the room.

Face flaming, the kraut ripped the door open and drew a breath to lecture Shinji into a stain on the far wall.

She had not uttered a word when Jared shut the door in her face.

Asuka spent the next three seconds trying to figure out how Jared got into the room without her noticing.

Shinji shut his eyes and groaned in annoyance, not realizing the door was shut. "Asuka..."

"Well, I was going to put on a seifuku and offer you a blow job, but if you can't even remember my name..." Jared affected a girlish huff.

The Goon barely contained his laughter as Shinji turned beat red and prayed for the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

Asuka jerked the door back open. "What in the HELL-"

Jared jerked a thumb towards the redhead. "If she wants to watch, it's five hundred yen extra."

"HENTAI!" Asuka screamed, launching a bone-shattering kick at the Pervert.

Jared was a step ahead of her. He was across the room in a flash and scooping up Shinji into his arms before Asuka's eyes caught up with him. She was ready to pursue him, right up until he jumped out of the room's open window with Shinji still in his arms.

Instead of following the Pervert, she went pale. "We're on the seventh floor!"

Shinji felt the jump, and while his stomach was floating up to around his ears, he didn't dare open his eyes. They landed hard, rolled without him getting hurt, and came to a stop in a room that smelled like... incense?

Shinji opened his eyes. He was curled up like a baby, held by the Goon who was kneeling on a polished hardwood floor in a tastefully decorated bedroom. Candles set the mood. A chilled bottle of champagne stood at the ready. And a woman lay on the bed that took up most of the room. About Misato's age. Average in looks and measurements, her body adorned by a filmy nothing that Shinji was certain he wasn't suppose to see for another year or two at least.

She held the boys' attention with a come-hither look and a salacious smile, gesturing to the bed as if to say, 'there's room for more.'

Jared winced, as if making a decision he didn't want to make. "I'm sorry, Kei, but not tonight. Got to teach a boy a little bit about being a man." He glanced meaningfully at Shinji.

Kei pouted. "Aw, and I can't help?"

"Well..." Jared considered. "Oh, no. At least not right this minute." He rose and opened the bedroom door. "I'll call."

Then they were out of the bedroom. A few steps took them to the apartment's front door, down the hall, where he stopped and set down the smaller Eva pilot.

"Now what?" Shinji asked.

"I was going to just talk with you, but... I seem to have gotten sidetracked."

"You panicked," Shinji said.

Jared sighed. "Okay, I panicked. Would you rather I used you as a human shield?"

"Not really, my father does that enough."

"Agreed. Well, I suppose this is as good a place as any. Or maybe not," he mused, then walked back to Kei's apartment and knocked on the door.

After a brief pause, Kei answered in a robe. "Changed your mind?"

"Yes, actually. Can we come in?"

Kei led them to the sitting area with a smile. "All right. Who's the kid?"

"Shinji Ikari. Ace Evangelion pilot and general bad-ass," Jared answered before Shinji could open his mouth to protest.

"Really?" Kei smiled brightly, then bowed to Shinji. "Kei Futaba, LG Pharmaceuticals. Allow me to say thank you for helping to defend this city against those horrible monsters. I know most people aren't happy with NERV, but... it's a war. We'll just have to get by."

"Kei is one of the few people in this city who isn't insane," Jared added for clarity.

Shinji just nodded.

"So, girl trouble?" Kei asked.

"Yeah," Jared replied. "Another pilot has the hots for him, but she's got issues."

Kei scoffed. "How typically male. Girl goes after what she wants. Suddenly she's 'crazy' and she's 'got issues'."

"No, she really does. Both of them do. These are very disturbed youth I'm dealing with!" The Goon waved an admonishing finger at Shinji. "And tossing her psychoactive hair products while she's bathing does not help."

"But Genoni-san put it in my hand!" Shinji said, finally rising to his own defense.

Jared waved off Shinji's argument. "Excuses, excuses."

"So why not call in a psychiatrist?" Kei asked, leaning back and giving Shinji and Jared a prime view of her charms.

Jared considered the idea. "Because I am quite sure my boss-Shinji's dad-would send ninja to kill me in my sleep if I ever got the request put through."

"My dad has ties to the Japanese Ninja Alliance?" Shinji asked.

Jared stared at the ace pilot for a few seconds, saying nothing, his face a visage of calculated blankness. Then, "Anyway, Asuka. She digs you. Let me give you a piece of advice: its high time you shag her rotten."

"What? Why?" Shinji expressed confused confusion as best he could.

"Choice of euphemism?" Jared asked Kei.

"Choice of euphemism," Kei confirmed with a knowing nod.

Jared watched her breasts jiggle for a moment, then dragged his attention back to Shinji. "Dude, hold her hand or something. The world is not going to come to an end if you try to form emotional ties with another human being. I guarantee it."

Shinji sighed. "You guarantee it?"

"Scout's honor," Jared offered the requisite hand sign.

"Can I go back to my room now?" Shinji asked.

"Sure, but instead of dodging Asuka or just stammering out an apology, face her head on. Look her right in the eye, and remember; there's no shame in running away."

"Yes there is," Shinji countered.

Jared's smirk faltered. "Er, right. Now scoot."

"Fine. I'll see you tomorrow," Shinji stood, waved, and quickly let himself out, as Kei and Jared were both far to busy trying to ignite one another with lustful stares to bid him a proper good-bye.

Shinji closed the apartment door and tried to shelve his confusion. He didn't understand people. For the most part, this was not a problem. He did what he was told, regardless of how it made him feel or whether it made sense, and he was taken care of. That was simple. That worked for him. He intellectually understood how Misato lived, but he couldn't put himself in her shoes. And the Americans?

He reached the elevator and mechanically punched the 'down' button. The doors opened to reveal a huge man in a cheap and ill-fitting suit. Sunglasses and radio earpiece completed the security personnel image.

The huge man said nothing, his huge neck speaking for him. Shinji shuffled into the elevator. His fingers selected the lobby button while his imagination taunted him with images of beating the security guy senseless and running off for absolutely no reason.

No, he didn't understand how the Americans lived life the way they did. He didn't even understand why they lived life the way they did, but maybe he was beginning to learn.

The security guy didn't see Shinji's smile, and perhaps that was for the best.

The chosen dining establishment for the evening's festivities was housed in a squat gray and glass skinned building that took up a whole city block. Jared squeezed the entire compliment into his two-door Chevelle and tore the Tokyo-3 streets a new one.

The cops measured his tickets by moving violations per second.

He rounded the last corner by the restaurant with all four tires squealing, the engine roaring, trailing a cloud of carcinogenic smoke two city blocks behind his chrome bumper. Then he slid the car sideways into the valet holding space like he had practiced the move a thousand times. Blindfolded.

John weakly disembarked the car. His immaculate tuxedo was brushed clear of nonexistent dust while his feet made sure he was on firm and unmoving earth. Andy tumbled from the car in a roll and stood unsteadily next to his fellow Goon. His own tux was rumpled in a few places in just such a way to suggest that the rumpling was designed into the suit and not a result of the abusive conditions under which was it was being worn.

"Where are we?" Andy asked.

Both looked at the sign above them, attempting to leverage Psycho Sensei's teachings. Reflexively covering their heads, they squinted at the neon kanji.

Jared stepped out of the car in a tuxedo that fit him like a wet rag wrapped around a bent pipe. He glanced at the sign, decided not to waste the brain cells, and went with, "Here."

The other Goons shot him dirty looks.

John gestured to the neon sign. "Did you see this?"

Jared ignored the glow. "Misato recommended the place."

As if speaking her name had summoned her from the black vinyl of the car's interior, Misato emerged.

Jared and Andy immediately tried to mime an angelic chorus, but didn't work out which chorus to mimic beforehand, and would up shouting Latin at each other in the background while Misato posed in her new black dress. It was short, it was tight, and it left very little to the imagination.

A valet materialized at her elbow, bowing deeply and offering a hand to escort her away from the car. "My lady," he oozed.

Jared stopped the shouting match with Andy and rolled up one sleeve of his jacket, approaching the valet menacingly. He was beaten to the punch when Kaji stepped out of the car in his own crisp tux. The valet visibly wilted as Misato took the triple-agent's offered arm.

Jared discretely rolled down his sleeve and slipped the valet a large bill, muttering to himself in a vaguely eastern European accent, "Just like you Japanese... always overdressing for the wrong occasions." Then he shouted into the car, "All right kids, everybody off the fun bus!"

Rei stepped out in a blue satin dress and looked around. Asuka and Shinji followed closely, Asuka in a wine-colored dress and Shinji in a tux. Both looked more than a little green around the gills, holding each others' hands for support. As soon as they got a lung worth of fresh air, they abruptly separated, stealing furtive glances at each other as they walked up the steps to the entrance to wait next to Misato and Kaji.

Then Toji tumbled out, kissing the sidewalk on contact. "Ground! Oh, holy Earth! I am never riding in that car again!"

"Philistine!" Jared howled.

John shook his head and offered Rei his own arm, following Asuka and Shinji to the restaurant's entrance. "Misato," he called to the Major, "I'll never know how you fit a gun under that dress. It looks like it had to be sewed on. Or did someone just throw a can of paint at you?"

"The price I pay for style, I guess," Misato countered. "Who's got the reservations?"

John shrugged. "I thought you did. Maybe Jared does, he never tells us anything, right Andy?" John looked around. "Andy?"

"NERV, party of ten?" Misato asked the doorman hopefully, shoulders drooping as the severe-looking man shook his head.

"Where the hell did Toji and Jared go?" John asked, looking around.

The front door to the restaurant opened, and Jared's head appeared in the gap. Thankfully-or unfortunately, depending on your point of view-his body was hidden by the door, which meant his head wasn't floating in the air via supernatural means, guts and gore hanging from the torn flesh that used to be his neck. The Pervert took in the group. "Hey, get inside, you lot!"

The doorman spun around in surprise. "You! No reservation! DIE!"

Jared yelped and withdrew his head as throwing knives embedded themselves in the door with loud thunks.

The doorman's face turned purple with rage. Then the valet started Jared's car. The explosive sound of the engine catching reached the doorman, and he froze, clutching as his chest. Then he collapsed.

The valet dared to touch the gas pedal, and the car did a huge smoking burnout and took off like a JATO system had been activated. The valet screamed. Perhaps in elation, perhaps in panic. In any case, he and the muscle car from hell were out of sight before he found second gear.

Jared slowly peeked out of the door again as the valet "drove" the car off into the distance. Maybe the parking lot was... on the other side of town? From the sounds the engine made, the valet could have been winning the Indy 500. Jared looked at the unmoving doorman and cleared his throat. "Um... right. Well, Toji's picked out a table, so-"

The doorman coughed, stirring. Jared knelt at the man's side. "Are you hurt?"

The doorman's hand shook as he gripped Jared's sleeve with the last of his mortal strength. He coughed again. "It... was not so long ago that... I was... like you."

"Really?" Jared asked in a respectful whisper.

The doorman stirred again. "Indeed. We... we fought for honor."

Jared nodded.

The doorman's breath was labored. "Do you... fight for honor?" He eyes, clouding over, searched desperately for an answer.

"I do," Jared replied, tears strangling his eyes.

"Go forth..." The doorman's voice was fading, his eyes unfocused. "Go... forth and..."

The man went limp. Little black X's appeared over his closed eyes as he sloughed off this mortal coil.

Jared rose, solemn, wiped at his eyes, and said, "Anyway, come on in."

The sound of wounded tires screeching echoed through the cloudless night as the group collectively avoided looking at each other as they entered the restaurant.

Andy took in the center of the restaurant with a smile. The place was simply a massive arcade around which a semicircle of intimate tables were scattered. A bar occupied the corner adjacent to the entrance, while the corner opposite hosted a small dance floor. Space was clearly at a premium, even though the building took up most of an entire city block. That could be blamed on the two hundred or so arcade machines that comprised the arcade.

"Ah, gamer's mecha... Er, Mecca..." Andy muttered.

A waiter swiftly appeared to give Jared a dirty look.

"Good service here," Jared said approvingly.

"I've only been here once," Toji said. "Decent food, great game selection."

"I've never been." Misato subtly elbowed Kaji. "I've heard about it, but..."

"Niiice," John smiled at the arcade machines, idly cracking his knuckles.

"Um... impressive," Shinji offered to the spectacle.

While the others took their seats like sane people, Andy grabbed the Ace by the shoulders, lifted him from his feet, and shook him like a rag doll. "THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY?"

Shinji gave Andy his best 'I am a shell of a human being' look and dialed his voice to 'robot' before speaking. "Yes."

While the other cracked up laughing, Andy set the pilot down and shook his head at the tragedy of it all.

After a few hours of gaming, the group settled in at a large round table and made their orders for sustenance. And thusly did the 'small talk' commence.

Misato opened with a daring, "So, how's this "training' coming along, guys?"

"The master never reveals his secrets," John replied, sounding mysterious.

"That means I'd better not say anything, right?" Jared added.

Misato shifted her attention to Jared. "You, mister, had Rit-chan tying her underwear in knots when your Mini-MAGI got blown up."

"That'd be a neat trick. Got pictures?" Jared's head rocked back from the impact Misato's palm to his right cheek. "How did you slap me from across this table!" He exclaimed, and suddenly his head was rocking back again from a palm impacting his left cheek. "Damn it, that gag was old when I was kid!" He huffed.

"I don't think the training has been going well at all," Asuka put in.

"You can use ki blasts in your Eva, why are you complaining?" John asked.

"I can do a bigger one," Andy said, bouncing in his seat like an eager five-year-old.

"Shut up," Jared countered.

"See?" Asuka prompted Misato.

The Major sighed and waved for Jared and Andy to stay in their seats. "Children." She shifted her attention to the First Children. "What about you, Rei?"

"genoni says i am making progress."

"But John couldn't fight his way out a..." Jared found Rei looking at him. It was one of those stares that carried no weight, but still made him feel like she was calculating how many feet of his small intestine she could wrench out of his eye sockets and still let him live. He quickly swallowed the rest of his comment and sipped at the broth in his bowl of soba noodles.

"She has excellent control. She'll be fine," John said, favoring the albino with a smile. He studiously ignored Andy and the huge hand-painted sign the Goon of Destruction was waving in the air behind Rei.

The one with the English words reading 'EVIL ALBINO GIRL!' painted on it.

The other pilots watched with frank amusement as the evening's entertainment began. Jared opened his mouth to John, figuring him a slightly less dangerous target than Ayanami. "John, I thought you said you hadn't slept with her yet. How could you possibly-"

John tackled Jared. Dishes and drinks went flying. The restaurant-slash-arcade owner ducked into his office to check on his insurance policy, to see if he was covered in the event of Americans getting inside the restaurant.

While the brawl raged across the restaurant, Misato turned to her charge. "What about you, Shinji-kun?"

"Umm..." Shinji glanced at Asuka, then cast his eyes at his own bowl of ramen.

"Misato," Andy intoned in a cordial voice, "Like John said, the master does not reveal his training secrets. The men of this outfit will be suitably prepared." He continued, speaking under his breath but still loudly enough to be heard across town. "Not that I was given much to work with."

"I heard that," Toji said.

"You're on the other side of the table!"

"You're loud enough to be heard back in America!"

Andy roared and jumped across the table. "That's IT!"

He was aiming to tackle Toji, but the nimble youth ducked at the last second, letting Andy crash to the floor. The Goon flipped onto his feet in the blink of an eye and gave chase, spying Suzuhara threading his way through some pinball machines.

"Not again," Shinji moaned.

Kaji looked back and forth at the two fights thoughtfully. "This looks a little promising."

Misato shrugged, instantly capturing two hundred percent of Kaji's attention. "Sort of..."

Didja see what I did there? He did a double take, get it?

Sigh.

Rei calmly sipped her drink. The whole table watched while the Andy-Toji ball collided with the Jared-John ball.

Asuka sighed as the tangle of limbs and curses turned and came at the table. With a disgruntled sigh she jumped into the fray, her giant wooden mallet cocked back and ready to crack skulls.

She landed knee-first on Jared's face, and missed John's head by a full hair. She took him out with a high heel to the face, his nose taking the brunt of the heel spike. Her back-swing nailed Toji. Andy rolled clear, hands on the defensive.

Asuka kicked Jared in the groin, set her stance, and swung. The face of the mallet kissed Andy gently on the lips, only hard enough to send him crashing into a pinball machine, eyes swirling.

The mallet went away. Asuka dusted herself off to a light applause from Misato and Kaji. Then she froze, eyes wide.

From the floor, a single arm was raised, traveling under her dress.

Jared's arm.

Misato stopped clapping. Kaji fumbled for his phone.

Andy woke and pointed at her hair, screaming. "She's gone to PLAID!"

Jared yanked his hand back as if Asuka's butt was on fire. "Um... oops?"

Asuka began to cry. She wandered to the table and collapsed into her chair. Misato still hadn't moved. Kaji had his phone set to camera mode a minute to late, and lowered the device slowly, glancing uncertainly at the Major.

John, Andy, Toji, and Shinji were standing over Jared, looking more dangerous than a gang of tattooed bikers. John grabbed him by the lapels and hauled him to his feet. "What do you want on your tombstone?"

Jared thought quickly. "Pepperoni and cheese."

"We'll all out of cheese," John growled, as if threatening to wipe out Jared's family.

The quartet of pilots then went to work on the Pervert. Kaji eagerly turned his phone on the group, for posterity's sake. And maybe to pick up a few pointers.

Misato finally gave up asking Asuka what was wrong and held her.

It was a touching scene.

Jared was just being inconsiderate. "OW! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FA-"

Later, at La Casa de Goon, after stopping by the hospital and explaining a few things to the police, and getting scolded by Gendo... okay, it's a lot later that evening. About four the following morning, actually.

"I don't get it. What did I do?" Jared asked from his full-body cast, propped against the Goons' card table.

"I thought your jaw was wired shut," John said. "Any fours?"

Jared moved his jaw around and spit out a ball of shiny wire. "Go fish."

John pawed the cards for a moment. "Jaw," he prompted.

"I paid off the docs and shut up for the night."

"Beyond the fact that's physically impossible," John started.

"I can do amazing things with my tongue," Jared inserted.

John made a face, like he had just spent eight hours making out with an octopus. "Ugh, don't remind me. But, you can't possibly shut up for four hours."

Jared smiled. "Bite me. Any queens?"

John sighed and handed over the cards. "We're fucked."

Andy, asleep in the next seat, snored loudly in reply, then 'woke up.'

"Not necessarily," Jared mused.

John shook his head. "You're in a full-body cast, Andy couldn't fend of Asuka, even though he didn't do anything... Got any fours?"

"I'm a ninja," said Jared.

"And I'm Batman," said John. "Any fours?"

Jared's few free fingers flicked a card towards John. "I wasn't a ninja a week ago."

The Goons looked at one another, silent. Neither wished to open this can of worms.

"Yer still not a ninja," Andy yawned, indifferent.

"Right, and there's no colleges around here that offer degrees in Ninjitsu," John snarked.

Jared worked a hand out of his full-body cast, liberating a pamphlet as well. He dropped the pamphlet on the table and hid the hand under thirty pounds of bandages.

John picked up the paper and leafed through the kanji. Then he looked at the cover-stared, really-and looked at Jared, trying to say something but just moving his jaw aimlessly, chewing air. He then blinked and repeated the movements, like his brain kept slipping out of gear. On the third round, he shook the pamphlet at Jared threateningly, still masticating mixed gases.

Andy blinked and went cross-eyed looking at the writing on the pamphlet. After a minute, his brain found the focus controls and he sat up as if struck by lightning. Snatching the pamphlet from John's hand, "This place is accredited. Sweet! Hm... no cyborg ninja program?"

"Where the hell did you get this?" John finally asked.

"It was wound into these bandages. Like a flier or something," Jared explained. "Any sixes?"

"Go fish. Anyone could have left this for you." John frowned.

"Well, I leave you with that mystery." Jared jerked his body. The bandages fell away. He flexed various joints, smiling as everything worked properly. "Andy?"

Andy shook himself, threw the pamphlet on the table, and stood. "I am ready."

"Hey, wait a minute, how did you get to be a ninja?" John asked.

"How did you get to be Batman?" Jared countered.

John shrugged. "You got me. I'm not John, I'm a multi-billionaire who killed your friend and took his place so I could punish criminals in a fictional city from an anime."

"That makes sense," Andy nodded. "Roof?"

"Roof," Jared agreed. To John, "See you later, Wayne."

John waved as they departed. After the door closed, he searched the table and chairs. "Hey, where the fuck did that pamphlet go?"

A little later, on the roof of Apartment Block Seven. The night sky was an unfolded blanket of stars set with a brilliant full moon. The fightin' Goons didn't take in the view. They merely took up positions on opposite corners of the roof, looking grim and dangerous, squinting at each other...

And finally, someone had to say it.

Andy sighed, "This roof is pretty big."

"Yeah," Jared agreed.

"What?" Andy shouted back. "I can't hear you."

"We should stand a little closer!" Jared shouted back.

The two moved to a more reasonable distance, stretching and circling one another. Without an apparent signal, they attacked. Punches, kicks, elbows, and knees were exchanged. A fair trade, as no-one landed even a glancing blow for the first minute. Then they drew apart.

"FOOL!" Andy thundered, assuming a familiar pose. "GALLAT GUN-"

Jared's pose was also familiar. "KAMEHAME-"

Now, normally someone would make a pithy remark at this point. And in the defense of universal humor, a pigeon did coo, but it was in New York 2 and easily ignored here in central Japan. Yet in place of pithy commentary, something interesting did happen.

The Goons' hands began to glow. At this point, a normal person would be screaming about fire, or perhaps second-guessing that decision to skip their meds today. However, these were Goons, and they stared like retarded moths at the glow, even as they called out their attacks.

"-FIRE?"

"-HAAAAAA?"

Beams of coherent energy lanced out from the fire. The sound accurately mimicked the eminent end of the world. The Goons stared like retarded moths about to suffer severe concussions.

And then the beams met, and a hundred-foot tall pillar of fire erupted from the meeting point, flashing into the sky like... well, like a pillar of fire a hundred feet tall. The Goons smiled, then got knocked unconscious by the shock wave.

John, playing some video games a twenty-two floors below, paused when he heard the explosion. It didn't have the sharp 'whump' of a flash grenade or the 'crack' of demolitions. He glanced at the window in time to see some large metal box falling by their balcony.

The muscles around his left eye twitched.

One minute, twenty-nine seconds later, a panting John Genoni was staring at the roof access door. The door was intact but bizarrely bowed inward, warped as if someone had pointed a huge laser at it from outside. He took a deep breath and kicked the door open.

The roof wasn't quite the fire-scorched wasteland he had dreaded while tempting the heart attack gods with his mad twenty-two floor dash, but it hardly looked like the place to have a picnic. Nothing smoldered, though most of the air conditioning units were melted, distorted, and kind of smashed sideways as if they had been hit by a super-hot shock wave or something. And then there were the two units that had 'caught' dumb and dumber.

Both Goons were out, their clothes intact but scorched and curiously smoldering.

"I hope they're dead," he said reverently. Yet both of the unconscious Goons' chests were regularly rising and falling. "Damn! I'm just not that lucky. Oh wait, this means I get to kill them for shooting ki blasts. No, I'm not in charge." His face fell, then a smile grabbed hold of it. "Oh wait, Misato gets to kill them slowly." Clearly, the only thing left to do was dance a jig.

While singing.

"Ding dong, my friends are dead! Oh happy day, I'm glad to say, that my friends are dead!" If only he had a top hat and a cane...

Then Andy sat up. "Quiet, I'm trying to enjoy the-YOU!"

John stopped mid-jig and frowned. "Go back to being dead, you're ruining my fun."

Jared sat up, partially. Groaning like someone was twisting a knife in his guts, "Okay, we're officially fucked."

"Now we're fucked? What about five minutes ago?"

Jared got to his feet. "Things change. Didn't you get my memo?"

"Things change? Things change?" John deflated and shrugged. It was dark and he was tired, and this explosion was going to bring the fury of NERV down on them. Jared and Andy might as well have signed their death warrants, but John was beginning to think that maybe they'd try to pin this on him too. And then what?

"You know what, I don't care. NERV guys are gonna be here in a minute, and I'm going to get some sleep." Or think of a way to make sure they weren't clinically dissected in the bowels of NERV by sunrise. He turned and opened the roof access door, finding Jared standing inside of the stairwell. "And you quit doing that!"

Jared tried to look innocent, failed. "What am I allowed to do?"

"Burn in hell," John replied.

Jared went wide-eyed at something over John's shoulder. The taller Goon whipped around in a defensive crouch to see Andy pointing a palm at them, frowning. As soon as John's eyes found the Maniac's, Andy tried to look innocent, which was impossible no matter what he was doing.

A few minutes later, the Goons retreated to their apartment, surprised that they weren't shot at by NERV security forces en route. All three listened for the wail of distant sirens, or the 'pffft' of dart guns, and heard nothing but eerie silence, overlaid with the eternally chirping cicadas.

Inside the apartment, they sat at the only table and looked at one another; John nervously, Andy with a huge smirk, and Jared pensive.

"So..." John prompted.

"She said was eighteen!" Jared shouted, then noticed the other two Goons staring at him and tried to relax. "Sorry, force of habit."

John shook his head, sparing the door a quick glance. "Okay, we have no cover story for this. You idiots have been screaming attack names at each other all of NERV for weeks now. You just blew up the roof in plain view of countless surveillance cameras. We can't talk our way out of this."

"Out of what?" Andy asked.

"Throwing ki blasts in hyper-secret experimental war machines with a host of unknown abilities is one thing. Being able to flattened armored troops with our bare hands... we're dead fucking meat." John sighed, then watched Jared sweat, look around the otherwise empty apartment nervously, and raise his hand like a schoolboy. "Yes?"

Jared spared the apartment another look. "What if I edited all of the security tapes?"

John scoffed. "You? In the next five minutes you can erase the whole incident without leaving a data trail back to our front door? I'd like to see that."

"Not me personally. An AI system," Jared offered.

John sighed. There were only two things close a functioning AI in Evangelion and they had neither at their disposal. If things were going in their favor for once, Gendo would have one of those projects on the back burner for the moment. "We are not breaking into NERV and hacking the Mini-MAGI."

"Who said anything about the Mini-MAGI?" Jared actually looked innocent this time, and that face sent shivers down John's spine.

"...Explain," John ordered.

"I stole-er, borrowed... well, this chip fell into my hands a little bit ago, and I figured out that its the essential components of an AI system. You'd need some bulk processing power to interface with it... and our Mini-MAGI happen to have that processing power. Give me a week and I could probably hook the two up and build an AI able to edit that security footage."

"That's a great Plan B. Anyone got a Plan A?" John's face propped up a smile, which morphed into a grimace when Andy picked up his hand of cards from the game they'd aborted just minutes ago.

The Goon of Destruction looked over his cards and asked John, "Got any sixes?"

"Readings steady, Commander," the gruff commando said.

"Thank you, Corporal," Misato said crisply. She did not want to be here. She did not want to be woken up before dawn by a wall-rattling explosion and have to take down her neighbors at gunpoint before breakfast, but the fate of the world was in the balance and... hell, she just wanted to get five more minutes of sleep. Kaji had kept her up until three friggin' a.m.! "In three... two..." She raised her fist. "One." And knocked gently.

A few seconds later, the entry panel by the door switched from red to green. She took a deep breath and tried to will away the dark circles she could feel hanging off of her lower eyelids. Then she banged the panel with her elbow and the door slid open with a whir.

The idiots of the day sat around their small dining table playing a card game. They had put it on pause to look at her. Andy had the expressiveness of a brick, John looked tired and in control as always, but Jared looked like a squirrel on LSD. She wondered if he'd stay in his seat should she sneeze. "Well, are you three going to come quietly?" She asked.

John shrugged. "I don't see why not."

"John," Jared hissed desperately.

"Chill," John set his cards on the table. "We're all going back to NERV for a nice little chat."

"Okay," Jared relented. "Want me to knock out Andy?"

Misato dragged all of the pilots into briefing room four, setting the Americans in the front row. Ayanami was absent, but everyone was either too tired or too scared of Misato's bloodshot I'm-this-close-to-murdering-people stare to comment on the fact.

She started by yelling at the Goons. "You three are in big trouble!"

All three Goons mimed fear, "Ooooh."

The Major drew her sidearm and leveled it at Andy. She looked like she really, really wanted to shoot him. "I really, really want to shoot you. So shut up. We've got a major problem here."

"This is no-" John was interrupted by Misato's gun. The Goon considered the hole in the wall behind and slightly to the left of his head, and closed his mouth.

"NERV... no one can afford to have you three wandering around the city with the ability to blow up buildings at a whim, with your bare hands."

"We can't do that," Jared said quietly.

"Why not?" Misato asked.

Jared crossed his eyes following Misato's gun. "Maybe a wall or two, but not a building."

"Are you an engineer or something?" Misato quipped.

"Yeah, double major, I think." John said.

"There's a lot of overlap in the course requirements," Jared added, not taking his eyes off of Misato's sidearm.

Misato drew back from the Goons and very slowly holstered her gun. "Ritsuko wants to cut one of you three apart to figure out how you did that."

"I didn't shoot off any ki blasts," John insisted.

Misato continued, "The Commander approved."

"He's a prick," Andy grunted.

And the room fell silent.

Shinji blinked, yawned, and pulled his head off of his hand. "Wait a minute. Cut them up?"

Misato's gun was steady.

"Shinji," John said carefully, as if the remaining words might kill someone, "how would you like to learn how to do ki blasts?"

"That's impossible," Shinji said.

"They did it." John pointed at Andy and Jared.

"They're not human," Misato insisted.

"Oh, says you," John said.

"Says Doctor Akagi and... SCIENCE!" Misato countered.

John restricted his surprise to raising a single eyebrow. Misato's had knocked something loose in his brain, and now he had to pin down the idea and see if it was worth exploring. "Ritsuko can play with her little test tubes later. We have a real problem to deal with here, and they're called Angels. Now, would you like get rid of half of your... your defenders of earth?"

"Three-sevenths," Asuka corrected.

"Right, three-sevenths of your defenders of earth, or would you rather make all seven of us truly bad-ass? And where's Toji?"

"Don't change the subject, Genoni," Misato growled. "We're not kings here. If the public-and by extension, the government of Japan-does not like what we're doing here, they could shut us down. The choice I have now is not between having you three teach the Children or not, it's between being able to defeat the Angels or not. Genoni, I'd rather send these three and Toji into battle than have all seven of you in a government prison and be reduced to firing N2 devices at the Angels."

John sighed. "So the Commander expects one of us to cave in the force of your feminine charms and sacrifice ourselves for the freedom of the others?"

"I am not seducing any of you," Misato said flatly.

They'd danced this dance before. As long as he could keep her distracted with talking, he might have a chance of saving all of their skins. "But we're too selfish and more likely to turn on one another, giving him an excuse to lock up all three of us, which from their point of view would be more prudent... even if we're needed to fight the Angels. He wouldn't lock us up for no reason because we'd rebel."

Misato slowly holstered her gun. "Genoni..."

"If the Commander wants to frighten us, tell him he has failed," Jared said loudly. He didn't spare anyone else in the room so much as a glance. "If this was a test, we have passed."

"I'm calling Ritsuko." Misato reached for her phone.

John pressed his fingertips together absently, mind working furiously until it presented a solution. A crazy, crazy solution that was the only sane option left to him. As Misato began pressing buttons, he looked up. "Give us two days. Lock us in our apartment and we'll figure out how we did it, and how to give the pilots the same abilities... and if our explanation of how we do ki blasts does not satisfy you, then you can have Andy."

"Hey!" Andy objected.

"So you're saving your own neck?" Misato shouted. She almost seemed angry that he'd hang Mucha out to dry.

John shrugged, fingertips still mated. "You wouldn't believe me if I gave myself up. Besides, I haven't done a ki blast yet."

"Could you?" Misato asked, closing her phone.

"Right this second with a gun to my head?" John asked.

Misato obliged him that, rhetorical phrase or not.

"That was a hypothetical question," John protested quietly.

Misato didn't crack even the beginnings of a smile. "Well, now it's practical."

He briefly considered trying out Goku's Instant Transmission. "There's nothing I could do right now that wouldn't break something or someone. And this is all irrelevant, in two days, you won't care about this, I promise. Ritsuko would just put me on the table as a control anyway."

"What are you planning?" Misato asked.

"I don't know yet," John lied.

She withdrew the gun and looked him over, then glanced at Jared and Andy, who had sat perfectly still, watching the exchange. The sight of those two behaving probably rattled her more than the notion that they could be packing heat buck naked. "You have until tomorrow morning," she said at last.

John stood up, bowed politely and made for the door while gesturing for Andy and Jared to follow.

From inside the room, Asuka yawned. "Now that we're done with Stupid American Theater, can I go back to bed?"

"Sure," Misato answered. "I've got to call Ritsuko anyway."

The door slid shut, and the trio moved down the hall. After a dozen steps, Andy smacked John in the head.

"What was that about, Genoni?"

"We're going back to the apartment; we're shutting the blinds, unplugging the TV, radio, internet, phones, hiding any books we have, any thing to identify the rest of the world is gone." John stopped at the elevators and pushed the button. It took a full minute as John remained silent and dismissed any attempt of the other Goons for more information. Finally the elevator dinged and the doors opened, the Goons entered and pressed the button for ground level. As the doors began to close, John finally said, "We're going to retcon Eva."

End Book 1 of Neon Genesis Goonvangelion.

Book 2 will be along in a couple of months.