Okay, I did NOT mean for this to be so long. It's ridiculously long. But I figure that it's better if it's ridiculously long than ridiculously short, right?
I own nothing, but I do hope you enjoy!
Round, round ten traveling years is a mighty long, long while…
As much as Addison hates to admit it, she falls into an easy sort of routine in Seattle. Every morning she'll sit with Derek and mostly snark at him for getting shot. Sometimes though, they'll talk like they used to before they were married, which is how Addison realizes that Derek and Meredith aren't talking and have started using her as a go-between. At some point they'll have to start talking, but right now she's happy to make sure that they get the important messages.
After she sits with Derek, she'll run to the cafeteria and grab lunch and a pudding. From there, she'll go to Alex' room, give him the pudding and eat lunch. As he starts to heal and it hurts him less to move, they get to know each other better, and soon she's tossing the pudding at his head instead of handing it to him. And as he starts to heal, he's able to catch it more often than not, which takes all the fun out of it for her.
After she sits with Alex, she'll usually go back to the Archfield (she had moved back in once she realized that she was staying for more than a week or two), get changed and go out to dinner, either with Callie, maybe Meredith, or alone. She always brings a book or a medical journal to read when she goes alone because she doesn't want to deal with anybody trying to approach her. She's not exactly sure where she and Sam stand, but she's pretty sure it doesn't involve getting hit on by strangers.
"Take your damn pudding," Addison says by way of announcing her presence, tossing the pudding at his head. He catches it and she pouts, "I think I liked it better when you couldn't catch it."
"I'm sorry," he apologizes graciously. "Next time I'll let you beam me in the head."
"Thanks, I appreciate it."
"How's Shepherd?" he asks like he always does.
"He's fine," Addison answers as she always does.
They sit in silence as Addison eats her food and Alex enjoys his pudding as they always do. "Why are you doing this?" he asks suddenly.
She looks up from her meal and stares at him. This is not what they always do. Sometimes, if she's in a particularly rant-y mood, she'll rant to him about whatever she wants, but they never discuss them or why she's there. They just are and she just is and that's supposed to be enough. But looking into his eyes, she can see that today it's not enough, that she's not going to get out of this with a smartass answer. She takes a deep breath and exhales noisily. "Because… because I don't want to go back to LA. And because Derek… and you aren't out of the hospital. And Meredith's not talking to Derek nearly as much as she should be and… I don't really have a good reason but I just keep finding really stupid ones to stay."
"Why?"
"Do you want the real answer or something I make up to make you happy?"
"What do you think?"
"Okay, in the interest of full disclosure—I feel badly for you." She holds up her hands to silence his predictable protestations that he doesn't need her pity. "You got shot, your wife left you, and your girlfriend dumped you for my ex… thing. I get to feel a little sorry for you if I want. And you can complain all you want, and you can kick me out of your room, but it's not going to change the fact that I feel sorry for you."
"So that's it," he frowns. "You just feel sorry for me."
"That's not it," she insists. "That's why I stayed. That's not why I'm staying."
"So why are you staying?"
She bites her bottom lip. "I really, really don't want to go back to LA. Going back means dealing with everything and I'd rather fix all of Seattle's problems than deal with my own." Funny thing though? In the interest of full disclosure, the first word her mouth had gone to form was "you".
He nods and accepts this answer because he's pretty good at not dealing with things as well. And because he's secretly a good guy, he changes the topic quickly.
But then her phone rings. She looks down, sees that it's Sam and ignores the call. He asks who it was and she tells him because he always knows when she's lying. "You're going to have to deal with him, you know?"
She rolls her eyes. "Not now. Just… not now."
"That's stupid. Just get it over with," he orders.
"I don't want to," she insists.
"Damn it, Addison!" he explodes suddenly. "Deal with him already. Quit stringing him along. You've got someone who apparently loves you and you're yanking him around. Just stop. I don't know if you get some sort of sick fun out of it or something, but stop! If you want him, go home. If you don't, then tell him."
Her eyes narrow. "I don't enjoy this, Alex. This isn't fun for me! I really like him! I just can't deal with any of that now."
He rolls his eyes. "If you like him so much, why are you sitting in Seattle, ignoring him?"
"Oh, like you have any room to talk!" she snaps. "You told a freaking hallucination of your ex-wife that you're still in love with her!"
"That isn't even close to the same thing!"
"You had no right," she growls. "No right to give her hope like that. To stay with Lexie when you knew you were still in love with her! To let her think she had a chance!"
He rolls his eyes again because he realizes that this little outburst isn't really directed at him. "Don't make Izzie, Lexie and me about you and Shepherd and Meredith."
She gapes at him. "That's not true," she insists when she can talk. "I'm not."
"Really? Because Lexie and I have been broken up since you got here and she's happy. And you're bringing it up now? That has nothing to do with Shepherd at all?"
"It doesn't. I'm just saying that it's not like you've never strung someone along," she states.
He looks at her and goes quiet. This latest declaration is not about him, Lexie, and Izzie, or her, Shepherd, and Meredith. This is all about just the two of them. "I said I was sorry."
"Yeah, well, sometimes sorry doesn't cut it," she snaps and storms out of the room, wishing that hospital doors slammed more satisfactorily.
They talked about the old songs, they wrote one that was new…
She stays away from his room for the rest of the day, seething. She stays away from Derek too because she doesn't want him to start asking why things are suddenly being thrown at his head for being a man in bed with a gunshot wound.
"Addison?" Meredith asks, timidly approaching the redhead frantically pacing in the hallway, even though she's glad to be free of thinking about the baby and Derek for one moment. "Are you okay?"
"Is he always like that?" Addison replies with this non-sequitur and just keeps going. "I mean, he was like that all the time when I was here. But I thought he had stopped. Grown up or something. Stupid. Stupid. He's so obnoxious. I can't believe I ever… and we… God! I'm so stupid!"
"You must have been with Alex," Meredith surmises, a small twinkle dancing through her eyes and a smile playing on her lips.
Addison sighs heavily, the subtle signs of mischief lost on her. "How'd you guess?"
"I don't know anybody else who's that infuriating. Do you?"
She rubs at her temples, hoping to massage Alex Karev out of her head. "He's just… he acts like this big martyr and gets mad any time you try and show a little sympathy. And he wants me to talk to Sam. Says I'm stringing him along. Like it's any of his business."
"Is it?"
"Is it what?"
"Is it his business?"
"Sam? Of course it's not! Why would it be his business? It's not his business."
"It's just that if…"
"If what?" Addison brow furrows as she tries to puzzle out what the younger woman is hinting at.
"If you and Alex are friends, or, maybe you're…"
"If we're what?" Addison finally snaps.
"Sleeping together. If you guys are sleeping together then isn't Sam his business?"
"We're not sleeping together!" she screeches. "I don't even like him that much!"
"Sorry, it's just that… you spend a lot of time there. With the door closed."
"He was shot! And we're just talking!"
"Do you want to?"
"Do I want to what?" Addison is about to go ballistic over Meredith's maddeningly unclear questions.
"Do you want to sleep with Alex?"
"No!" she exclaims vehemently. Meredith gives her a look. "Maybe," she concedes and gets another look as they find an empty on call room. She flings herself face down on the bed. "Yes, okay? Yes," she mumbles into the pillows.
"Yes what?"
That riles Addison up all over again. "Yes! I don't want to call Sam because I want to sleep with Alex. But I don't want to sleep with Alex because I want to be with Sam!"
"Okay, so what are you going to do?" Meredith asks, using what Cristina calls her "shrink voice".
"I don't know," Addison sighs. "I don't get Alex. At all. But everything's an uphill battle with Sam. It's like I never stop fighting. And I'm tired. I want… I just want… I want what you and Derek have. Or at least had until you started using me as a carrier pigeon." She shoots an accusing glare that sends Meredith's gaze straight to the floor.
"You should probably tell him," Meredith says quietly.
"Tell who what?" Addison asks impatiently, not excited for the return of this part of the conversation.
"Tell Alex what you just told me."
"Why?"
"Just do it, Addison," Meredith sighs. Suddenly Addison can see just how tired the woman is. "Opportunity only knocks once, when God closes a door He opens a window, life's too short, carpe diem, and all that crap. Just do it, okay?" Meredith rolls her eyes and leaves before Addison can respond. Addison glares at her back but follows her out the door.
"Hey," Derek greets her, looking surprised that she's in his room in the afternoon.
Addison sighs. "Okay, I know you got shot and your wife's not talking to you and all of that, so my problems kind of pale in comparison, but can we talk about me for now?"
"Fine. Are you okay?"
"There may be the slightest possibility that…"
"That?"
"It's stupid. And you'd think I'd learn, you know?" She runs a hand through her hair. "It's so stupid!"
"What's stupid?" Derek asks, but she just keeps ranting.
"I mean, really? You're not my girlfriend? Who says that? Seriously?"
"Whose girlfriend are you not?"
"I just… Shouldn't I be like immune to this or something by now? Sterile or something?"
"Addison!" Derek exclaims. "Who the hell are we talking about?"
She shoots him an exasperated look. "Alex Karev. Who else would we be talking about?"
"Oh yeah," he mutters under his breath. "Because that was just so clear."
"Shut up, Derek, and help me!"
"With what, Addie?"
"I think I have feelings for Alex Karev! Again!"
"Again?"
His tone makes Addison stop and grin sheepishly. "Oh. Right. You don't know about that. Never mind, forget I said anything." She starts to back out of the room.
"Addie, I'm stuck in bed all day with nothing to do. We're friends. And I swear to God, if you leave me without telling me what the hell happened with you and Karev, I'll hurt you!"
"We slept together," Addison admits quietly. "And I thought… I thought we had something. Except we apparently didn't. Which he made very clear when later that day, he told me that I wasn't his girlfriend."
"I'll kill him," Derek says simply.
Addison laughs. "Yeah, good luck with that. I'm sure that's going to work."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Nothing," Addison sighs. "I was stupid once. I'm not going to do it again. I learn from my mistakes."
"Doesn't sound like it," Derek's snort earns him another death glare.
"I'm staying away from him," she insists.
"Why?"
"Because he's a jerk!"
"You like him."
"Derek-"
He cuts her off. "You think I like telling my ex-wife she has feelings for someone else? If I'm saying it, it's probably true. Karev's grown up a lot since you left and you spend so much time together… You need to tell him, Addie. That or go home."
Addison stares at the floor, willing tears away from her eyes. "I don't know where home is anymore," she admits.
Derek rewards that admission with one of his practically patented grins. "Then how do you know it's not with him?"
While the rain poured down with deep, dim sound, but they paid no mind to that…
It takes Addison a couple of minutes after leaving Derek's room to realize that she needs to do this, if only so she doesn't feel like she's being a teenage girl freaking out about her first crush. But then she realizes that there's a couple of things she needs to do first.
First she calls Sam. He doesn't seem surprised by this development and confesses that he figured that she probably wouldn't come home, at least to him, when she couldn't give him a return date. Seattle has a way of sucking people in apparently, and that was something he couldn't understand.
"Hey," Addison greets, poking her head through a doorway.
Callie looks up from her work. "Hey! I haven't seen you all day. Where have you been?"
"Quite possibly going insane," Addison responds.
"Okay," Callie says, dragging the last syllable out for a couple of seconds. She rolls the chair that she's sitting in away from the desk to study her friend. "Interesting answer."
"It's been an interesting day."
"What have you been doing?"
"I don't want to focus on what I've been doing," Addison asserts. "I want to focus on what I'm about to do."
Callie gives the eyebrow raise that insists Addison go on. "I'm about to tell Alex that… that I…"
"That you're in love with him?" Callie fills in the blanks when Addison falters.
"I'm not in love with him!" Addison exclaims. "I just like him. A lot."
"Finally," Callie sighs, her shoulders collapsing with the large portion of air she exhales.
"Finally?"
"It's certainly taken long enough!"
"You were… expecting this?"
Callie gives her friend a sympathetic and slightly condescending look. "I've seen you look at him."
Addison's jaw drops and she stammers some half-assed response. Callie laughs. "Addison. Bear. Picnic table. Turkey. Lines of deliciousness. And let's not forget puppy at a chew toy."
"I do not look at him like that!"
"No, it's gotten worse!" Callie insists. "It's not just lust in there anymore. It's love and don't you deny it."
"I'm not in love with him," Addison replies with a sigh. "But that's not the point. The point is that I'm going to tell him."
"When?"
"Now."
"Oh my God! Oh! This is exciting!" Callie almost screams, scrambling out of her chair to hug her friend. "Okay, good luck! Stop hanging around here. Go, go, go!"
Addison laughs as Callie basically pushes her out the door and down the hallway. She practically runs to Alex' room. At this point, the idea of getting this thing off her chest is already making her feel lighter.
"I have something to say," she announces when she enters the room.
Alex looks up, surprised. "Addison, about earlier, I didn't mean that… I just meant…"
"It's not important," she says, waving away his apology. "I mean, it is, it's just I want to say that…" she trails off when she sees his eyes widen, staring at the doorway behind her. She turns around and feels her own eyes widen. "Dr. Stevens," she chokes out.
"Izzie," Alex says at almost the same time.
Their hearts were cut with diamonds on that strange and fateful day…
"Hey," Izzie says quietly.
"What are you doing here?" Alex asks. It's silly and petty, but Addison feels her heart lift a little when she here's the disinterest in his voice.
"You were shot," Izzie answers as if this is the most obvious answer she could possibly give and he's an idiot for not guessing it.
"Like weeks ago!"
"A month," Addison murmurs.
"What?" Alex asks.
"It's been a month." She does a quick mental calculation. "Or it will be on Tuesday." The way that both Izzie and Alex stare at her makes her really, really wish that she had never drawn attention to herself. "Sorry," she apologizes quietly.
"What are you even doing here?" Izzie wants to know. Addison stares at the floor.
"The better question is what you're doing here," Alex cuts in. "We're divorced."
"I should, um, I'll go," Addison stammers, slipping around Izzie and running.
"Izzie's here," she proclaims to Callie the moment she finds her.
"What?"
"Izzie Stevens. Is here. In his room."
"Oh my God, were they…"
"What? No. No! God, no!" Addison exclaims trying to shake that particular thought out of her head. "No. I was going to tell him, and then she just… showed up."
"And… you ran?"
"Basically."
"That's lame."
"You think? But whatever. It's over. I'm just… I'm done. Clearly I'm meant to be alone."
"Addison-"
"No. It was stupid of me to even think… I've been here for three weeks. That's not even enough time to decide to like someone, let alone love them."
"Addison, can I ask you something?"
Addison gives her best friend a look. "Is that even a question anymore, Callie?"
"How did you feel when I told you Derek was shot?"
"What?"
"Well?"
Addison takes a deep breath and searches for the right words. "Like time just stopped. Everything froze."
"How did you feel when I told you about Alex?"
She closes her eyes and tries not to recall the feeling of air slamming out of her lungs. "Like a semi-truck ran me over."
"Yeah," Callie says, a small smile on her lips as she drags the word out. "That doesn't sound like you were over him the first time. In which case, three weeks is a perfectly acceptable amount of time to fall back in love with someone."
"I wasn't in love with him!"
Callie stares at her friend. "Really? You're trying to argue this with me? Seriously?" Addison tries to formulate a response and fails. "Go find out what Izzie wants," Callie orders. "I know you want to. And, hey, if you feel like it and you run into her, give her Addison Montgomery's version of a beat down, will you?"
Addison hides her smile as she leaves. This trip back to Alex' room is less giddy. But she's surprised when she returns and finds no Izzie Stevens. "Where's Izzie?" she blurts out.
"Gone," Alex shrugs.
"What? She… Alex, I'm so sorry. Sorry, I know you hate that word."
He rolls his eyes. "I made her leave, Addison. Not the other way around."
Addison is pretty sure that a full meal could be heaped onto the dinner plates of her eyes. "Why?" She blushes when she realizes just how bad that came out and hastens to correct it. "I mean… I just thought that you love her."
"I do." Addison hopes he doesn't see her flinch. "I always will. But…"
"But what?"
"I'm not in love with her. Not anymore."
"That sounds like semantics," she comments quietly.
"It's not."
They sit in silence for an uncomfortable minute until he breaks it suddenly. "I'm sorry I was such an asshole before you left. Before you went to LA, I mean. I didn't… It was stupid of me."
"Stupid?" Addison asks, lifting her eyes to lock with his. She bites her lip nervously, praying that his answer will be the one she wants.
"I just… I shouldn't have treated you like that. I was just… I wasn't ready. Stupid."
"So you're saying that… you wouldn't do it now?" Addison asks, trying to fill in the blanks.
"I'm saying that... I wish I would have realized just how stupid I had to be to have you and ruin it."
Addison is surprised that he hasn't commented on the quick, erratic thudding coming from her chest, since she's pretty sure that people in Maine can probably hear the pounding in her chest. "What if… what if you got another chance? Like another life?"
"Did you just seriously bring video games into this?" he laughs.
Addison glares, but secretly she's glad that the mood has been lightened. "Really? I'm trying to be nice and offer you another chance and you're providing smartass commentary on my choice of words?"
He gives her a lopsided grin and she pretends that it doesn't make her heart decide to take an impromptu field trip to her throat. "I just thought if you're a gamer, you might have costumes."
She swallows and shoves her heart right back down to its proper place in her chest. She twists her lips into a smirk as she realizes just how to gain control of the situation. "Costumes, I have. Whether or not you get to see them rests entirely on the rest of your commentary," she says, quirking an eyebrow as she perches on the edge of his bed.
"I'll shut up," he replies quickly.
"Good answer," she grins and leans down to kiss him.
When the long road stretches out ahead a half a million miles…
Meredith hovers nervously in the doorway of Derek's room. Addison gives her a gentle shove forward. Derek looks up and sees him current wife with his ex-one. "Yes?" he asked, a bemused little smile on his face.
"You tell him," Meredith mumbles. "It's your freaking news.
Addison pulls Meredith aside. "Meredith, if you two don't start talking, I promise you that you will not stay together. Is that what you want?"
"No, but…"
"This is a perfect peace offering. Just do it."
Meredith looks at Derek. "Yeah, Mer?" he asks.
"Addison and Alex are in love," she announces.
Addison scoffs. "I did not say that! That's not true!"
"Sure, Addie, sure," Derek says. "We believe that."
"Absolutely," Meredith nods. Then she looks at Derek, who pats the bed next to him. Addison leaves discreetly.
She returns to Alex' room with a smile on her face. "Mission accomplished?" he asks.
"Yep," she smiles, motioning for him to scoot over.
"So what are you going to do now that Meredith and Shepherd are fixed and I'm getting out of the hospital tomorrow?"
She gives him a big, cheesy grin. "I'm going to Disneyland!"
"Back to LA. Oh, I get it," he teases her. "The second I'm not a freaking invalid, you leave. That's cool."
"Alex," she laughs a little. "I'm not leaving you. We'll figure it out."
He kisses her. "I know. I'm not letting you go again. I learn from my mistakes."
There's a sparkle in her eyes as she widens them. "Really?" she asks. "When do I get to see proof of this miracle?"
He laughs and she's happy to note how much better his laugh sounds now. "You're not enough?"
"Alex," she whispers. "Don't do any of that again, okay?"
"What?"
She sighs. "Lead me on again and I'll do this," she says, tracing where she knows the bandages are underneath his shirt. "And if this happens again, I'll bring you back from the dead and shoot you myself."
"What are you talking about?" he asks, chuckling a little.
"I'm saying don't leave me, okay?"
He grins. "I won't. Promise."
She smiles back. "In that case…" She reaches into her bag and gently tosses a chocolate pudding at his head. He's not ready to catch it and it bounces off. She starts laughing. "Nope, you're reflexes are still as sucky as ever!"
"I wasn't ready! And you're teasing me when you're the one who talks about extra lives and bringing people back from the dead?" he laughs.
"Shut up," she giggles. "And you deserve every last one of the puddings I bounce off your head!"
He sighs overdramatically. "Is this going to stop? Ever?"
"Nope!" she chirps. "The pudding bouncings will continue!"
"Forever?" he groans.
She pretends to think about it. "Maybe on the honeymoon. But I wouldn't push your luck."
They don't talk after that. It's difficult to talk while kissing.
I TOLD you it was long! But I hope you liked it anyways!
Certain people who most certainly know who they are might notice some similarities. Not my fault we're comedic gold.
Sorry that end got so wacky, by the way. I wrote it at like three in the morning, which I think explains a lot.
Anyways…
-Juli-