[[I held a 2 day old baby today…she's actually amazingly cute. Definitely cheered me up. Anyway…I don't know what to write, but I've not updated for what seems like ages so here goes…apologies if it is appalling…but I feel crap, and have had a constant rank smell up my nose all day, that no one else can smell…clearly I'm losing the plot…but who cares right?]]
Ronnie's head immediately lowered and her eyes closed. She knew that there was now, no going back and that scared her. It scared her because this was a secret that only one person knew, and that she wished nobody knew. Tears once again started to slowly cascade down Ronnie's cheeks, silently.
Glenda, who was still half asleep and thrown into utter confusion, placed a hand softly onto Ronnie's shoulder. She gently put her other hand under Ronnie's chin, pushing it up slightly, so that her daughters eyes would meet her own. ''What's up darling?'' Glenda asked, barely a whisper, but said with complete sincerity. ''What are you scared of?'' Even after not seeing her daughter for twenty years, she still genuinely cared about her. She never stopped thinking of her girls. Every single day, she would wonder how they were, how life was treating them. She never intended to be absent from their lives, but Archie, well he made it impossible.
Ronnie simply shook her head slowly, and rubbed her head with her left middle finger. ''Its nothing'' she said, as she let out a loud sigh. ''I..I shouldn't have said anything.'' Ronnie had managed to calm herself, but tears were still evident in her eyes, and the lump in her throat was still there. She swallowed hard, trying to remove it, but it just would not go. She knew her mother wouldn't let it go that easily though. She knew she wouldn't just be able to break down, and her mother just go back off to sleep because she stated there was nothing wrong. Her mind was racing. She so badly wanted to get this off her chest. She wanted to finally get it out to someone who would at least try to help her finally get over it. She was still under her fathers hold, and she hated every second of it. She hated him.
Glenda was still knelt down in front of her eldest daughter, staring deep into her eyes. Ronnie looked so scared and helpless. She may not have been a part of her daughters life for 20 years, but she knew full well, that Ronnie was not one to show emotion. Not one to break down in front of anyone, especially the people closest to her. There had to be something wrong, something really wrong, for her to be acting like this. It wasn't just her raging hormones, and it wasn't just the fact of a few sleepless nights, caused by her daughters newborn child. ''Veronica, you can tell me'' she replied with concern laced in her voice. There is nothing worse than seeing your daughter hurt, and it is even worse not knowing what is hurting her, resulting in not being able to do anything to help. But I don't know how I would even react anyway. What would I say, what would I do? It should be a maternal instinct, but we've been apart for 20 years. 20 years that were probably the most important years of my daughters lives, and, even though not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about my daughters, we've lost that all important bond that lets me know exactly what to do when things like this are happening. Scared. What of? What has happened? ''Veronica?'' Glenda questioned shakily.
''I was thirteen.'' Ronnie shuddered, but spoke calmly. Almost too calmly. He Raped me. I just want to shout it out. Shout it out for everyone to hear. Let them know what a sick and twisted bastard he really was. Forcing his own teenage daughter to have sex with him. It is not normal, and I feel sick every time I think about it. ''He taught me to swim'' she scoffed.
Glenda's eyes squinted as she looked on at her daughter. Why was she talking about their last holiday to France before she left. Was she trying to avoid speaking about what was clearly playing on her mind, or is this memory going to play a part in what she needs to get off her chest?
There was a short silence. Neither keeping eye contact any longer. Glenda felt guilt. What for, she just didn't know, but she felt it. She felt, that at given moment, her heart was going to collapse and she didn't know if she was ready for what she was about to hear. Ronnie, unconsciously, grabbed a hold of the locket around her neck. Fiddling with it slightly as a way to distract herself.
''Was I a bad child?'' Ronnie asked still looking at the floor, voice slightly higher pitched than before.
Glenda raised an eye brow. Now she really was confused. ''Why do you ask?'' She questioned, utterly bemused. ''What is this all about Veronica?'' Glenda slowly got to her feet. She couldn't read her daughter. She couldn't work out what Ronnie was getting at. She wanted to know why she was asking such daft questions.
Ronnie looked back up, feeling the incessant glare coming from her mother. ''Please….Just answer my question.'' Ronnie spoke as though she had given up on any kind of emotion. Her eyes were now dry, although still blotchy, and she just stared, transfixed on her mothers expression. Watching her slowly move from around the bedroom.
''Of course you weren't.'' Glenda replied in an almost frustrated tone. Truth is, she was getting frustrated. Frustrated with not know what her daughter was so scared of. Frustrated that her daughter couldn't just come out and say what was playing on her mind.
''Then why did he do it?'' Ronnie almost choked on her words, as yet again more tears cascaded down her face. I must have been bad. I must have been really bad for him to punish me the way he did. You hear stories of it happening, but you never think its going to be you. Then when it does happen, you tell yourself its not happening, and do all you can to forget about it. Thing is, the more you try to forget, the more it haunts you, the more you have nightmares about it. Keeping this dark secret locked away has done nothing but make me feel worse. I don't want pity, that's the last thing I want. I just want to tell someone, to get it off my chest, and for that person to tell me that I can get past this. I will never forget, and it can never be erased, but I just want to go one day where it doesn't haunt me.
''Darlin, your confusing me now. What do you mean, why did he do it? Did what sweetheart?'' She quizzed. Her voice was still empathetic. Still laced with utter concern, but she just wanted to know. The conversation was dragging, and it just made her think the worst.
''He was meant to love me. He was the one person who was supposed to protect me. But he didn't. He said it was my fault. But it wasn't, was it? How could it have been my fault? He did it, not me. And I couldn't stop him. I was a child. I was scared mum, and he knew I was scared. But it just kept happening. '' Ronnie became almost hysterical blurting all of this out. Glenda stared at her. She didn't know what to do, how to calm her daughter down. ''I couldn't stop it'' Repeating the last sentence over and over in a hushed voice, shaking her head continously.
''Who are you on about?'' Glenda cried out. Her voice was much louder than intended, but she feared that Ronnie wouldn't hear her over her own voice if she had continued to whisper.
''Dad…My dad. Archie'' Ronnie spilled, almost heaving at the mere mention of his name. Closing her eyes, she saw his face. Saw his smug grin and evil eyes glaring into her soul, burning it with the look he so often through in her direction. The same look she had seen so many times, when he had got one over on her.
Glenda's eyes shot back in Ronnie's direction. Her daughter looked so fragile. So broken. ''What did he do?'' she asked almost not wanting to in fear of what she was about to be faced with. There was silence. Ronnie's fists were clenched, with her nails digging into her skin. Not once throughout the whole conversation had she contemplated moving from her seated position. She felt to weak. To weak physically and mentally. ''Veronica, what…what did he do to you?'' Again she was met with silence. ''Ronnie?'' This time Glenda spoke more forcefully. She walked right up to her daughter, but chose no contact with her. She wasn't sure what she was about to hear. Her eyes were wide with bewilderment, and she was shaking slightly.
''He raped me'' she said calmly, with a solitary tear, that burned her eye as it escaped and trickled slowly down her cheek. So now she knows. Now she knows exactly why I hate him so much. Why do I feel guilty for telling her though? Why do I feel like I've just let her down? She hasn't even shown any sign of reaction yet.
Glenda slowly stepped backwards and fell into a sitting position on the bed. Her mouth was gaped slightly. She rubbed her forehead, almost identically to how Ronnie did. She buried her head into her hands, and shook her head softly. Running her fingers through her hair, she looked up to notice Ronnie simply looking at her, fear etched over every single feature of her beautiful face. What do I say to that? What do I do to comfort her? How could Archie do this? Why hadn't I noticed? All the questions she just wanted to blurt out at her eldest child, but somehow not managing to find her own voice.
Just as Glenda opened her mouth to speak, a small cry came from the side of them. Ruby had woken up for a feed. Ronnie immediately jumped up and almost ran over to her daughter. She picked her up quickly, and rushed out of the bedroom, and into the kitchen to where she had already prepared a bottle, to feed her daughter. Not once did she make any eye contact with her mother. She was to scared to.
[[Meh, like it? Im not sure I do. Thanks for the reviews by the way guys…they make me smile]]