"Queen Elincia! I'm so glad you're safe... Please forgive my tardiness-"
Geoffrey's articulate and courtly apology was not half out of his mouth before he was met by a withering glare from his queen. Elincia continued to stare at him from across the room for a moment or two, and then turned and pointedly placed a demure and maidenly hand on Haar's bicep.
"I just want to thank you for staying by my side the ENTIRE mission," She said, looking up adoringly at the Wyvern rider she had borrowed from Begnion. "I'm sure that if even one of those men with bowguns had gotten through, I would have been toast."
"All in a day's work, Your Majesty," Haar answered with a laconic yawn. "I could do with some rest, however."
"Oh, but you mustn't be so modest," The queen gushed. "You were simply wonderful! You cut down ten men in a row without breaking a sweat! And then you shrugged off all those arrows like they were nothing! You killed that mage with your pinky! And then you flexed your arm and the spearman fell unconscious without even attacking you."
Haar grinned. "If I hadn't been there, I'd accuse you of making that up," He told her, and then yawned again.
Geoffrey squawked in indignation at the scene taking place right in front of his eyes. Elincia ignored the undignified sound from her devoted bodyguard and continued to coo.
"Oh, but of course, you do need your rest and a proper reward after your actions this morning," She breathed. "And with the sun coming in the Eastern window of my rooms, my chambers should be the warmest place in the palace. Perfect for an afternoon of quiet. Uninterrupted peace."
"Are you-"Haar looked incredulous for a moment, and then a long, slow smile stole across his face. "Well, I was never one to turn down the benefits of a hero's reward."
With Elincia hanging on his arm, he left the room to collect on those benefits. Geoffrey threw back his head with a howl of frustration, just as his disheveled sister entered the room, still a little disoriented from having been thrown over Ike's shoulder minutes before.
"Good Lord, brother," Lucia said, leaning against the doorframe wearily. "You sound as though you were the one they were lynching."
Sputtering and squawking, Geoffrey informed her of the shocking scene he had just been witness to. He was so incoherent with rage that it took three retellings before Lucia got the barest gist of what he was saying. Once it sank in, she stood straight again, her eyes taking on a flinty cast.
"And you just let them walk out of here! We must stop that beast!"
Geoffrey blinked. "Why are you so upset by this?" He asked, taken aback enough to register her words. "I mean, you sound almost as if you were-"
"Silence! We must take care of him. Look, you attack him with your lance. Then, he'll pull out his ax, and I can be right there with my sword and have a weapon advantage on him! We'll carve him into mincemeat and Elincia will be our- I mean, and the queen's reputation will be protected!"
"He killed a man with his pinky!" Geoffrey protested.
"Coward! And this is why men like Haar and Ike keep taking our precious queen!" Lucia snapped. She turned and stormed from the room. Geoffrey stared after her for a moment, and then, stung by her words, snatched up his brave lance and rushed out of the room in her wake.
*#*
"I'm just amazed that you managed to fight so well with an unconscious woman slung over your shoulder," Rhys commended him. "You cut down all those warriors and you kept Lucia safe!"
Ike smiled grimly. "What, you don't remember Chapter 17?" He asked. "After that fiasco with Leanne, I wanted to make sure that I would be prepared for any eventuality. So I started to train with Mist on my back or hanging on my off arm."
"Yeah, and it sucked," Mist interjected. "I only agreed because I thought it was romantic that you wanted to rescue Elincia like that some day."
"Shut up!" Ike snapped, looking abashed. There were some wry chuckles around, except for one very obvious pout.
"Boss, you shoulda told me!" Mia complained. "I woulda trained with you and been proud for the honor! And I'm bigger than Mist, so I woulda been better training anyway!"
"Bigger in every pertinent way," Boyd noted, his eyes locked to Mia's chest.
"Boyd!" Mist shrieked. She picked up her staff and thwacked him soundly over the head. The disagreement(s) might have escalated, if one of the royal guard hadn't pounded up, gasping for breath.
"General! General Ike!" He gasped. "Come quickly! It's Haar!"
Ike rose to his feet. "He's not hurt is he? He seemed fine!"
"It's not that! He's taken Elincia! Goddess only knows what unspeakable things he is doing to the queen's person even as we speak."
Instantly, Ragnell was unsheathed and in Ike's hand. Soren wondered when Ike had come to take such news at face value... but then, this was Elincia they were speaking of, and Ike was quite unreasonable when it came to his princess- rather like Mario. And Ike had never even gotten a cake out of it.
"And that's not all! Not only is he taking your woman, he's trying to steal your title."
"I already abdicated-"
"Not the writ of nobility," The guard cut him off. "The other one. The more important one."
Ike looked baffled.
"You know. Most Badass Male in Video Game History."
Ike turned on his heel and strode into the palace, the sound of doom ringing in every footfall.
*#*
The door to Elincia's chambers crashed open and Geoffrey tumbled into the room, his spear held before him and ready to impale the evil that was Another Man Taking the Queen for Lascivious Purposes. The scene that met his eyes fueled his fury- the two figures (fully dressed) were curled around each other like kittens in a sun puddle in the middle of the queen's bed. Her cape and his were similarly intermingled to form the blankets under which they napped. With a well-practiced battle cry, Geoffrey leaped forward, striking downward with his lance, intending to end the Evil once and for all.
Haar rolled over in his sleep, his arm flung outward. The inside of his elbow brushed Geoffrey, who flew backwards to hit the wall and slide down it, landing in an unconscious heap. Lucia, hearing the crash, assumed that Haar had taken the bait and drawn his ax. She followed her brother into the room, her silver sword sweeping grandly from its sheath.
She was unprepared for the scene which met her eyes. She gave a bloodcurdling scream and stormed the bedroom to her queen's defense.
Haar, hearing the commotion, began to awaken. He stretched as his eyes opened.
The sight of those rippling muscles bespoke the fate of any maiden who saw them. The sword fell from Lucia's numb fingers as she ogled, all thoughts of her queen cleansed in a heartbeat. She sank forward onto her knees at the bedside, her eyes worshiping the form of the mighty Knight of the Sky.
Haar blinked in confusion.
Both of them became aware of the rumbling of thunder in the distance. Lucia, through an act of incredible will, tore her eyes from Haar's form to look over her shoulder, even as Haar gently disengaged himself from the now-waking queen and stood up.
The thunder became louder, until the very floor shook.
And then, with a final stride like an earthquake, Ike the Invincible stood in the doorway.
He looked at the unconscious Geoffrey.
He looked at the idolatrous Lucia.
He looked at Elincia, curled up on the bed as she opened her radiant eyes.
And then the Godslayer spoke.
"There can be only one."
*#*
You had to be there. Trust me. It was awesome.
*#*
Haar slunk down to the stables and mounted his wyvern, forever humbled by his brush with greatness. Lucia tended to her unconscious brother and mourned the loss of her one-eyed wyvern-riding Apollo. And Guenivere- I mean, Elincia- held onto Ike's arm and cooed.