Shepard, Miranda and Jacob were sitting inside the shuttle, traveling towards the secret headquarters of the elusive Illusive Man.

Illusive Man…what sort of a name was that anyway? He sounded like a Batman Villain.

"How are you feeling, Commander?" Miranda asked, interrupting Shepard's thoughts.

"Lively, for a corpse," Shepard answered.

"We were supposed to run multiple tests, to confirm that your abilities are on the same level as before…"

"Damn girl! I saw Shepard poppin' the mechs no sweat! He's aiight…" Jacob chimed in.

Miranda frowned, glaring at Jacob "We do not know about his mental state. We have to be sure."

"Fine. Ask your damn questions," Shepard muttered, leaning backwards. Again, his head felt terrible.

Miranda dug up an OSD from somewhere, and tapped it a few times. She glanced at Shepard, and smiled pleasantly.

"What is your favorite color?"

"What the hell is that question supposed to measure? My decorating skills?" Shepard snapped.

Miranda's face wrinkled in anger "Fine. Next question. You were born a spacer, raised in a military family. Your mother was recently offered a promotion as an Admiral, but refused it for your sake. What's your relationship with her?"

"Simple. She nags and I nod," Shepard muttered "You said she refused the promotion for me?"

Miranda nodded, and Shepard lowered his head "Great ma…I'm gonna hear about this a lot…"

"Interesting," Miranda muttered, tapping the OSD "Next question: You were stationed on Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz. You single-handedly repelled the batarian assault and were named Hero of the Elysium. You recall this?"

"I wasn't alone. There were at least two guys with me," Shepard shrugged.

"I see…" Miranda muttered, eyeing towards her OSD again "It says here that during the battle, you shot down two gunships by yourself. How did you manage that?"

"Good aim."

Miranda squeezed her eyes shut in frustration "Could you be a little more descriptive?"

Shepard leaned forward "Look lady, I've been dead for two years, my head is killing me, and I'm stuck inside this tin can with the World Cycling All-Stars."

"Cycling?" Miranda asked, lifting an eyebrow.

Shepard pointed at their skintight outfits "Look what you're wearing! Where did you get those? 'Catsuits Rule'?"

Miranda straightened her posture "It's Cerberus protocol," she said proudly.

"And I bet the Illusive Man wears spandex as well?"

Miranda glanced around nervously, then pointed at the shuttle's window "Look, we've arrived!"

Shepard looked through the window, and saw that they had just docked somewhere.

Shepard stepped inside some kind of circle, and immediately many lights started scanning him. Suddenly, the world around him changed.

He saw a large window, showing the star the station was orbiting. Next to the window, a man dressed up in a black suit sat on a chair. He had a white cat on his lap and he was petting it.

"Mr. Bon— uh, Shepard!" the man greeted.

"You're the Illusive Man? Frankly, I was expecting another spandex freak."

"Spandex has a certain…feel to it," the Man answered, smoking a cigarette.

Shepard had not smoked a single cigarette ever since he woke up, and seeing someone else do so was intolerable.

"Yeah, kinkiness. You wanted to see me?" Shepard lifted an eyebrow "Not in spandex, I hope."

"No, no. You're quite stylish. For now," TIM answered, weighing Shepard "Though a scarf wouldn't hurt…"

"Might hurt you."

"Empty threat? To which I'm supposed to retort sarcastically? Let's not," TIM poked the cat and it jumped out of his lap, screeching.

TIM rose up "Entire human colonies are disappearing. I'm sending you to Freedom's Progress, the latest one."

"If it's disappeared, how can I go there?" Shepard asked, scratching his neck.

"The colonists have disappeared you big goofy," TIM said softly, brushing him off weirdly "Not the colony itself."

Something in the way TIM carried himself was a little disturbing.

"Right. Well, I'll go on one condition."

"Name it, handsome."

Okay, definitely disturbing.

"I-I want cigarettes and aspirin."

"That can be arranged…when you get back."

Shepard lowered his head in defeat "Fine."

"Take Jacob and Miranda, and investigate the colony. Understood?"

"Do I really have to take those two freaks with me?"

"Yes," TIM said strictly, and cut off the communication.

Shepard entered the room where Miranda and Jacob had stayed during his talk with TIM.

"Shepard-dawg," Jacob greeted, and snapped a very sharp salute.

Shepard felt his mouth open in surprise "You've actually been in the military?"

"Aye homie, but the politicians never let us do shit."

"I hear ya. Where have you served?"

"Eden Prime, bro. Quit the Alliance after the geth attack. Could bitch about the government, wanna hear?"

"No."

"You're a curt motherfucker!" Jacob slapped Shepard on the shoulder "I like that shit man! By the way, do you trust me?"

"You're dumb as hell, and a drug dealer. No."

"That's cool man! Most people wouldn't even give me the chance."

Shepard sighed in frustration.

"Heads up, Commander," Miranda chimed in and Shepard turned towards her. She tossed him a pack of cigarettes "A present from the Illusive Man. Apparently you made an impression."

"Yeah, maybe too much."

Shepard, Miranda and Jacob had just arrived to Freedom's Progress.

"Damn, son! Everyone's gone!" Jacob stated the obvious.

"Very perceptive, gator," Miranda retorted, glaring at him.

They opened a door, and couple of mechs attacked them.

"GET OVER HERE!" Jacob yelled with a very deep voice and pulled one mech towards him biotically.

Shepard felt incredibly disturbed by his allies, and shot two mechs to the head to compensate.

They entered the next room, and saw few quarians. One of them aimed his assault rifle at Shepard "Stop right there!"

Shepard immediately punched the quarian to the head, and the quarian fell to the floor. Shepard lighted a cigarette.

"Nice shot!" a quarian female complimented "Hit him again!"

Something familiar about the quarian girl…

"Tali?" Shepard asked and the cigarette fell from his mouth.

"Shepard!" Tali began clapping her hands together in excitement, bouncing.

Shepard felt even more disturbed.

Tali's hands began fidgeting against each other "You know Shepard…I had a huge crush on you…" she said seductively.

"Oh?"

"And I've been thinking about you since you got back…w-well not sexually…m-much at least…you know what I mean?"

"I've only been here for like four seconds."

"I-I know, w-well not that I know…it's more…how did we even end up talking about this?" she stammered.

Shepard facepalmed "Please tell me what you're doing here?"

He was still dead, and this was hell.

"We are searching for a quarian called Veetor."

"What's a quarian doing here?" Miranda asked.

Tali turned towards her "Who are you?"

"They're part of some bondage club or something, don't mind them," Shepard answered and Miranda glared at him angrily.

"Oh. Well, Veetor always liked attention. You know how you humans get around quarians…" she batted her eyelashes seductively, whispering: "…do you?"

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut "Get to the point, Tali."

Her demeanor immediately changed "I know!" Tali exclaimed "We could join up! Rescue Veetor together!"

Shepard rubbed his neck "Guess two teams are better than one."

The quarian, the one Shepard had knocked out, was waking up. Jacob helped him back to his feet.

"Could you punch Prazza again?" Tali pleaded.

Shepard frowned "Isn't he a part of your team or something?"

"Yes, but he's a moron."

"Stupid humans!" Prazza yelled as soon as he was back on his feet "That was a cheap shot! I dare you to try again!" he lifted his fists up.

Tali shrugged "Moron, like I said."

Prazza pushed Shepard "C'mon human!"

"Touch me again and you'll find out why you shouldn't have," Shepard said coldly, looking Prazza to the eyes.

"Show me, tough guy!" Prazza tried to push Shepard again, but as soon as he touched him, Shepard grabbed his wrist and twisted it.

Prazza screamed like a little girl, and Shepard kicked him to the groin.

"Nice kick!" Tali cheered and Prazza fell to the floor again.

"Now that's nasty," Jacob said, shaking his head.

For no good reason, the teams separated, and began to try and find Veetor. Shepard's team met more mechs and Jacob again pulled one of them towards him, yelling with the creepy voice.

"This crocodile is a lively one!" Miranda yelled, while wrestling with one of the mechs.

"Worst…" Shepard shot one mech "…day…" he shot another "…of my…" and another "…life," and yet another.

Now his radio came alive. It was Tali "Shepard, Prazza betrayed me! He's trying to capture Veetor! You must hurry!"

"Right," Shepard answered, and his team stacked up in front of a large door. Tali opened it from her end, and the team surged through.

They arrived just in time to see a heavy mech butchering the quarians. It squashed one, tossed one away, and obliterated the rest with it's cannon.

Shepard's team took cover behind some very conveniently placed crates.

"That's one big-ass mech!" Jacob again stated the obvious.

The mech opened fire on them "Die Snake! Die!" it's voice-system yelled with a slight British accent "I-I mean…Arming weapon systems, destroying the hostiles."

Miranda looked worried "What are we going to do, Commander?"

"This," Shepard said, rising up from his cover. He began walking towards the mech, firing his pistol. The mech's bullets flew right past him as he approached it. When he was near enough, he carefully aimed at the mech's head and fired. The bullet hit, and the mech fell down. It exploded, making Shepard stagger from the shockwave. He lighted another cigarette, using the flames from the mech.

"Cool down," he muttered, blowing smoke.

Shepard hadn't smoked a cigarette ever since waking up. In the shuttle it was 'not allowed' and even though he didn't care if it was, he didn't want to listen Miranda nag about it. He had also tried to smoke one after punching Prazza, but seeing Tali had made him drop it. He saw Prazza on the ground now, squashed.

"You were always a little flat, pal."

They entered Veetor's lair, and could see him sitting in front of many display screens.

"Swarms, swarms, swarms. Got to find the swarms. Doo-di-duu…" he muttered.

"You Veetor?" Shepard asked.

"No Veetor, no, no, no," he stuttered, "Gollum, Gollum," his voice became very hoarse.

"He's not hearing you man!" Jacob snapped.

Shepard unholstered his pistol, and shot one of the screens. Veetor jumped up from his chair, clearly shocked. He then turned towards them.

"Crikey, Shepard! Couldn't you have used your omni-tool to shut off the screen?" Miranda nagged.

"I don't even know how to open the damn thing," Shepard retorted, shrugging.

Veetor stared at them in confusion "Who is you? Not the Precious…the orcsies didn't take you?"

"The orcsies?" Miranda asked, and Veetor turned on one of the monitors.

Some kind of large, walking beetles had taken the colonists.

"The Collectors!" Miranda gasped "They must be working for the Reapers."

"What makes you say that?" Shepard asked.

"They have glowing eyes. Sign of evil."

"Good enough for me man! We gotta stop them dawg!" Jacob chimed in.

"Shut up!" both Miranda and Shepard snapped.

"You know anything else about this, Veetor?" Shepard asked the quarian.

"Yesss. Veetor studied them, followed from the shadows…readings in the omni-tool."

"That's it then, let's take the quarian an—"

Miranda was interrupted by Tali "No! Veetor needs treatment, as you can clearly see!"

"That's rude girl! We ain't gonna hurt him!" Jacob retorted.

"Somehow your word doesn't make me trust you," Tali answered, crossing her arms.

Shepard again sighed in frustration "Tali gets Veetor and we get the tool data."

"Thanks Shepard. I'm glad you're still in charge…" she tilted her head, and again batted her eyelashes "I like a man who takes charge…"

"Right…" Shepard said blankly.

Damn…he was definitely gonna regret this…

"You should join me. If I leave you here, I'll probably have to save you again later."

She approached him, and tapped him to the nose gently "I'd like that…"

She placed her hand on her hip "...but I have a mission now too…it's very secret. I can't tell you much, but it involves the geth."

"The geth? You barely survived here against few mechs."

"You're so commanding…. I cannot stop myself from telling…" she gasped seductively "It's inside the Perseus Veil, on a planet called Haelstrom…"

Now she turned around, pulling Veetor with her, whispering: "I'll be waiting for you there…"

She began to walk away, swaying her hips seductively.

"Damn son! That's some hot-ass booty!" Jacob yelled, biting his fist.