CHAPTER FIVE
As Arizona watched Mark get up and leave, he turned suddenly and looked her in the eyes, lightly dropping his hand to her shoulder. She wasn't sure what emotion was swirling in his eyes, but she thought it might have been love. For her. This was certainly a strange moment between them, one he was hesitant to initiate, but the look in her eyes made him want to. She was obviously miserable, and exhausted, and she was his best friend's girlfriend, that made her basically his best friend too. Sorta. Even still, if Callie couldn't be there to comfort her, he felt a twinge in his heart to reach out to her.
"Everything will work itself out, Arizona. She'll come around. She just needs to figure things out in her own head," he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes, a ghost of a smile crosses his strong features. "You guys have something pretty special, you know? She won't let that go, especially not without a fight."
He finishes with a firm nod and manages another small smile, giving her shoulder a squeeze for support and walks off.
What had just happened?
They had had their share of fun together, the three of them, and Arizona liked him like her girlfriend's best friend, but never had she thought of him as more. In that moment, with that look, she almost felt as though she had a brother again. And oddly enough, the idea of Mark Sloan as a brother figure didn't disgust her. It made her roll her eyes and chuckle softly. "Life is so weird sometimes," she said into the wind.
She sighed, ran her fingers through her blonde curls, checked her watch, and decided it was time to head back. As she stood and took one last peek at the beautiful scene in front of her, she started on her way. That is, until she heard someone barreling toward her, quickly. Suddenly nervous, she shuffled behind some bushes and waited to see what or who was coming up on her.
She gasped softly when she saw who was actually tumbling in the spot she had previously occupied. It was Callie. Falling ungracefully and landing harshly flat on her face. Her protective instincts kicked in without even a second thought, her innate need to comfort Callie, to make sure she was alright, took over her body propelling her forward on instinct.
Just as quickly as her brain told her body to run to her, her rational mind told her to pause, waiting for Callie to rise, so as not to frighten her. But mostly she was secretly afraid that her presence would only make things worse.
This was ridiculous. Physically holding back was something Arizona never did, especially not when it came to Callie. Nodding her head, silently psyching herself up, she came out of her hiding spot and quickly ran to Callie's side.
"Cal - are...are you okay?"
Suddenly Callie couldn't move, she knelt in the grass, completely frozen. Had she hit her head? There was no way Arizona could be kneeling next to her, hands roaming her body, looking for injuries. She was dreaming this. She had to be. Because no way could the one person she was trying to escape somehow be right in front of her. And yet, she was very real. The butterflies from her touch told her so. But still, Callie couldn't move. She couldn't breathe, but somehow she managed to shift her gaze to meet Arizona's. Her hands stopped moving, and Arizona stopped breathing too.
It was one of those moments you see in movies and secretly wish would happen to you. When the world stops and it's just you and another person. Only this time there was some sick twist to it. Sure they still loved each other, they both felt it, but just as quickly as the world stopped, Callie's mind unfroze and it began to race. She quickly snapped out of her butterfly induced reverie and began to stand, brushing off the grass stains from her favorite pair of jeans, silently cursing herself for being so damn clumsy.
"I'm...I'm fine. I just tripped. What are you doing here Arizona?"
It came out much harsher than she had intended, and she knew Arizona was just trying to make sure she was okay, that she wasn't hurt. She did fall pretty hard, and if the blonde saw her do it, regardless of how things were between them, she knew she would try and make sure she was safe. It's just one of the many things she loved about her. No. No loving. No mushy thoughts. She came here to escape Arizona, to escape thinking about her, and her feelings for her, to forget her for just ten seconds so she could breathe without crying or being miserable.
"I came here to think. To get away from the hospital. And I was just leaving when...yeah, I was just leaving...sorry."
As Arizona began to rise, dropping her gaze as she did so, something inside of Callie clicked and she reached for her. She wasn't sure why, but the thought of Arizona leaving felt like the worst possible thing in the world right now.
"Don't go. Can we just, sit there?" she said as she motioned half-heartily to the bench in front of them.
"Don't go. Can we just, sit there?"
Arizona nodded, not exactly sure what was going to happen, but hoping this meant Callie was ready to talk, to put this behind them. It had been three days since they had seen or spoken to one another. Three. Long. Days. And above everything else, Arizona missed being near her, missed being next to her, missed the energy that they created together that was so damn addicting.
She rose, brushing off her scrubs and offering her hand to help Callie. To Arizona's surprise, she allowed her help and as they both stood before one another, Callie's gaze dropped to their linked hands. A small, sad smile came over her and it broke Arizona's heart just a little bit.
As they both sat down, they shuffled to opposite sides of the bench. Neither was quite certain of their place or how close they could allow themselves to be. Callie took a deep breath and picked at the seams of her shirt, a nervous habit that made Arizona smirk just a tiny bit. It gradually dissipated from her face as her nerves took over and caused an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Her face became flush as her mind was flooded with possibilities of what she could say. Apologies she could deliver, regrets she could reveal, memories she could share. This was her opportunity, her chance to fix this awful mess she created for herself. For both of them. This was her chance to shine. To redeem herself for all she had done, for all she failed to do. To make up for her shortcomings, for her mistakes. For that mistake.
The air was thick with tension. It was a few moments before she realized she was fiddling with the cigarette in her pocket, rolling it between her fingers. She glanced sideways at Callie and watched as she bounced her leg up and down, looking in any direction but the one Arizona was in.
"Sometimes I come here to think," she darted her eyes sideways, making sure Callie would let her actually speak, and when she saw her take a deep breath, she was instantly relieved that she had been granted a small window.
"Ever since we first came here together, it's always brought me clarity, peace, warmth, all those tiny things that you've brought into my life that I miss when I don't get to be around you."
Callie turned her head slightly, revealing a small dimple as she lifted one side of her mouth in her direction. "Arizona..."
"Imissyouokay?" she spat it out as fast as she could before Callie had the chance to silence her.
"I miss you too, Arizona, that's not the issue. But missing each other, it just isn't enough. It can't be enough. Not this time."
"I don't know what you want from me Callie! I've said I was sorry that night, at least I tried to before you stormed off! You know I love you and that I didn't mean to hurt you," Callie eyes widened and Arizona threw her hands up in defense."
"...okay, that's a lie, I did mean for it to hurt you, but that's what arguments are! I meant to hurt you then, in that moment, but now? Now I'm trying to make up for it, but you won't let me!"
Before she knew it, Callie was on her feet and stormed off with nothing more than a loud scoff. Arizona slouched back into the bench sinking deeper into her seat, baffled by Callie's reaction. She was the one who had suggested they sit down together, for what Arizona assumed was her effort for beginning to repair the damage. And that was just what Arizona was trying to do. But now there was an empty spot beside her, a sharp pain in her chest, and an absolute feeling regret and sorrow.
She had tried everything.
Reasoning. Rationalizing. Apologizing. Begging. Flattery.
All the usual things that tended to work with her exes. Clearly, Callie was not accepting anything less than everything she tried so desperately to avoid. She'd tried everything, everything besides the one thing she knew would fix it. Yet, something deep inside of her still wouldn't let her. And it was even starting to confuse Arizona.
Their meeting had done nothing to subside the pain in her heart; it had only amplified it. Because there was a moment, a split second, that she felt an overwhelming relief that she was near Callie again, she was her Calliope once more. That she was able to touch her again, that she could inhale her vanilla and honey body wash, and she could feel it as it sent shivers throughout her entire body. In that one moment, Calliope was hers and all that had happened between them was nonexistent. Everything they had built together, everything they had become was all that mattered. It was that moment she desperately clung to, and honestly it was the only thing she had left.
As Arizona extended her hand, she instantly realized how much she had missed being close to her. Touching her. Needing her. She looked down at their fingers and had to smile at how perfectly they fit together, they always had. In every aspect. Except one. Her smile quickly turned sad because she knew there was this one thing that she needed from Arizona, and it was the one thing she was insistent on hiding. But this time it wasn't something that could just be brushed aside, this time it was a make it or break it kind of thing. And that terrified her.
She knew if they sat down Arizona would open her mouth. That's just who she was, always the first and last word in any conversation. And as the longing Callie felt twinge at her heart increased, she decided she would let her. Perhaps the sooner they stopped avoiding each other and actually had this conversation, the sooner things could begin to mend. That is, if Arizona had figured out what Callie desperately needed from her.
As they sat as far away from one another as they could, Callie tried to collect her thoughts. Praying that this wasn't going to turn into another stupid argument because Arizona couldn't accept responsibility for the fact that par wasn't good enough. That hurting her and locking her out of her life, her past, would get her nowhere. That this was it, and Callie was running out of patience, and second chances.
Arizona started out sweet, she could admit that. Callie hadn't known she snuck to the park on her own to feel close to her when they couldn't be together at work. But even still, she was avoiding the issue, favoring flattery instead. Callie rolled her eyes, it was sweet, and normally would be swoon worthy, but not this time.
"Arizona..." Callie warned her. She had to. Because Arizona would keep going in whatever direction was most convenient for her. In whatever direction she could in order to avoid the real subject direction she needed to take.
The next thing Callie knew, she aimed for desperation. She knew Arizona missed her, and God had Callie missed her, but seriously, what the fuck? For the life of her she just couldn't understand why Arizona wouldn't just let her in. She knew everything about her! Demanded it practically, right from the beginning. Why was that too much to ask? There was too much at stake to fuck with her and dance around whatever she was holding back. Whatever was the root behind what she had said to her.
Did she really not see the enormity of the situation, how much she stood to lose? Maybe it, this, wasn't as important to Arizona as she had thought. Maybe she wasn't as important to Arizona as she made it appear.
Callie spoke, harshly, this time completely intending to get under her skin. Arizona was getting on her last nerve. She had run to the park to get away from all this shit. To get out of her head so she could breathe, and if Arizona was going to mess with her head, she had had enough.
"I don't know what you want from me Callie! I've said I was sorry that night, at least I tried to before you stormed off! You know I love you and that I didn't mean to hurt you," Callie eyes widened and Arizona threw her hands up in defense."
"...okay, that's a lie, I did mean for it to hurt you, but that's what arguments are! I meant to hurt you then, in that moment, but now? Now I'm trying to make up for it, but you won't let me!"
"You know what Arizona? This isn't about me and what I will or won't let you do. You had the last word. You made sure of that. You opened your mouth with the intent of hurting me. That doesn't just come out in the spur of the moment. What you said - you meant. Clearly you aren't really sorry, because even now, you're on the defensive. You meant to hurt me, and that's unacceptable. That's not love..."
"...I mean, you said some pretty harsh things too...did you forget that?"
Callie watched her as she instantly realized she had fucked up. Her head pulled back and she winced. Callie was done. She was done with her excuses, she was done with her jabs, even now. And finally fed up with it all, she slammed her hand onto the bench to get her point across, if Arizona hadn't already gotten wind of it, that she was pissed. And she wasn't going to take it anymore. With a loud scoff, and shake of her head, she was off without another word.