CHAPTER TEN
As her hangover began to hit her full force, Callie deeply regretted how much tequila she consumed the night before. Her head was throbbing. She had boatloads of coffee and popped a few aspirins, but the throbbing was persistent. It wasn't quite as profound as it was earlier, but still a constant reminder of the shitty night she'd had, and her encounter with Arizona only added to the pressure she felt under and above her eyes. The crying hadn't helped things either.
Mark had somehow convinced her to join him in the cafeteria, and she picked and played with her fruit salad, not really entertaining the idea of eating it at all. She casually glanced at him, totally half-assing his sweet attempt at cheering her up with disgusting jokes and tales of his latest sex conquests. It was gross, but he was trying. As soon as he was paged and got up from the table with an off handed "911" he gave her shoulder a soft squeeze and left her to her own pounding head. As she brought her hand to rub her forehead, she opened her eyes and immediately spotted Arizona sitting on the opposite end of the cafeteria with Teddy.
Total déjà vu.
But this time, she wasn't nearly as animated and lacked her happy, perky glow. In fact, she looked exhausted, and worn down, and her eyes were somewhat puffy. Her expression was serious, as was Teddy's. They were deeply invested in conversation, neither paying any attention to her lunch. Teddy relaxed back into her chair, arms crossed against her chest, nodding and chiming in a few words every now and then. Arizona bounced around slightly in her chair to emphasize her various points in that adorable way she always did that made Callie's heart do flip flops every time she witnessed it. She couldn't help but wonder if she was talking about her, about them, about tonight, or about last night. About how much was on the line, about what she hoped would happen. Or if she allowed herself a best-case scenario, how she was going to fix it.
"You're staring."
Cristina appeared directly in front of Callie, effectively blocking her view of Arizona. She huffed quietly, heavily dropping her head to her left fist, her elbow pressing harder against the table from the added pressure. She mumbled a pitiful "Am not" and stared at her plate, pushing around her remaining fruit salad like a grumpy child. Ignoring Callie's behavior, Cristina placed her tray on the table and sat down, munching on her sandwich and watching her intently. It would only be a matter of time before she would interject something. She always did.
Callie sighed deeply and dropped her fork with a clink against the table. She never removed her gaze from the plate, closing her eyes and blurting out, "We're having dinner tonight. At her place."
Cristina weighed this information and set her sandwich down. "Whose idea?"
"Mine. She invited me over to talk, I suggested making dinner. I'll need the distraction. And to keep my hands busy. And she'll need to time to prepare her speech or whatever. You know her."
Callie shifted uneasily in her seat, her thoughts flooded of what would happen in just a few hours. She was dreading the possibility of tonight ending in absolute heartbreak. How in a matter of hours, everything she and Arizona shared could become nothing more than a memory, something to add to her list of continued heartache. She hated how much power the next few hours wielded, how much they could change everything. She refused to let herself think of the worst-case scenario any longer, she had envisioned it hundreds of times already. It was driving her crazy. The last thing she needed was to go into tonight with her mind already decided on the outcome.
Her pager went off and displayed a 911 message with the patients room number. "Shit," she cursed quietly, snapping her pager back to her scrub pants and rising from the table. She had a really bad feeling about this patient but hoped her gut would be wrong. A repeat surgery was going to be risky, borderline fatal. Even her work life refused to cooperate and insisted on fucking with her.
"I have to run."
"Good luck. With everything."
Cristina voice housed no emotion, but her eyes showed a hint of genuine concern. A small smile tugged at Callie's lips as she shrugged, nodded, and she turned around to exit the cafeteria. Cristina sat back in her chair and took a deep breath. It wasn't that she was tired of dealing with a sad and cranky Callie, it was just that she was sick of seeing her so miserable and without answers. It sucked to be in that limbo. She knew the feeling well, of not being in control over someone else's feelings or actions but desiring them so badly it hurt. But there was one thing she could do, she owed Callie that much, so she rose from the table, tray in hand, and walked over to the table that Arizona and Teddy were sharing. She glanced at Teddy, locked her gaze, and watched as Teddy patted Arizona's arm, smiled at her and got up. At her exit, Cristina plopped down into the chair and began to eat, not even looking up at Arizona.
Arizona watched as Cristina intruded on the conversation Teddy and she were having. She knew this couldn't be good. Why did it feel like all their friends were ganging up on them both? Mark had been weird, Teddy had been slightly quiet, and while Cristina wasn't exactly what she'd call "a friend" she was being weird too. This definitely sucked. As Cristina continued to shovel food in her mouth and ignore her altogether, Arizona cleared her throat and looked at her expectantly, softly clicking her fork against the table in annoyance.
"You really need to learn when to shut up."
"Excuse me?"
"You open your mouth whenever you feel threatened. You don't let her tell you what she needs from you before you go off on her."
"Cristina, I know you're her friend or roommate or whatever, but this really isn't -"
"Yeah, it really is. Because she's sad and mopey and miserable and all she wants is for you to show her that you really love her. Not tell her, she's heard it, you gotta show her."
She has still yet to look up to meet Arizona's harsh stare, probably because technically she's her boss, and technically she is way out of line, but Arizona certainly respected her for standing up for her friend, even if it risked the wrath of a pissed off Peds surgeon.
"I am only telling you this because you're her friend, okay? This kinda is none of your business. My past is - it's messy and it's something I don't like reliving. I - I know she thinks I hide from her, that I don't want let her in, but it's complicated."
"I really hope you don't plan on telling her that tonight."
"How did you - ?"
"She's worried. And when she worries, she makes herself sick. She's already exhausted and worn down, and now add the worried. If you mess this up again, it'll really kill her."
"I know, I just -"
"It won't break her though. You think that they broke her but they didn't. They just made her re-examine her direction. People that have big impacts do that. You had no right, really, I was there, she wasn't broken. Hurt, yes, but not broken. She never lost that badassness. That's Callie. Her edge is who she is."
She looked up from her empty plate and met Arizona's gaze. She hardened her jaw and raised her eyebrows. Most likely judging how much more she could say before she really pissed her off.
"So don't, don't judge her for what other people did to her. Especially if you're on the verge of doing the same thing, being that same person they were. Don't, don't do that. Because then you'd just be a bitch and a hypocrite. If you hurt her like that, you'll have to deal with me. I don't care if you're my boss. She deserves to be happy. So, if you're going to hurt her again, I don't want you in my house. Or in her life. So for the love of God, just fucking fix it already. The two of you moping around is really getting on my last nerve."
Arizona watched her as she got up and walked away without another word or another glance. This really was the weirdest day ever. Needing to get out of that place before someone else decided to share their two cents, she got up and dropped her food in the trash and headed up to the Peds wing to check on her patients. If there was one thing that could cheer her up, it was them.
"Dr. Ari! You came!"
"Hey little one, of course I did, you know I couldn't stay away. Now how's my favorite girl feeling today, any better?"
"My tummy still hurts like yesterday. But I got some new animal bands, wanna see? My brother brought them for me. They're pink! And purple! And green! Lookie!"
"Those are very pretty, sweetie. Which animals did you get this time? Ooo a monkey! They're my favorites!"
"And it's purple too, your favorite color Dr. Ari. Do you still have the other one I gave you from those few days ago?"
"You betcha kiddo, see, it's right here." She pulled her sleeve up to reveal the band resting comfortably behind her dark blue faced watch with a bright smile. "It was very nice of you to share it with Mr. Bear. I know he really loves the company."
"Dr. Ari, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course sweetie, what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"
"Member when you said that smiling will make my tummy feel better?"
"Of course I do, it's the best medicine. It'll fix anything."
"But why does your face look so sad Dr. Ari? Your cheek holes aren't sparkling like they usually do. Are you sad?"
Arizona should've known that one of her kids would notice that she just didn't have that extra oomph today. That extra sparkle that usually made their eyes light up and their smiles to get just that much wider when she entered their room. She took a deep breath and smiled softly at the girl, sitting down on the edge of her bed and grabbing her hand.
"Sometimes grown-ups get sad when they aren't sure what to do or if they make someone they love sad. And then it makes smiling a little bit harder."
"Did you make someone you love sad Dr. Ari?"
"Yeah sweetie, I really did. And you see, that makes me sad and makes my cheek holes want to hide instead of coming out to play with yours."
She presses the tips of her index fingers into the little girl's cheeks, making the girl giggle and her eyes sparkle. When she stops laughing she pulls off the purple monkey rubber band and places it softly in Arizona's palm, closing her hand around it.
"Give that to the person you love, it'll make them feel not sad anymore, I promise! They always makes my tummy hurt a less when my brother brings them to me..."
"Thank you sweetie. I will give it to her, I'm sure she'll love it. You make me smile, you know that?"
She flashed the little girl her biggest smile and matching dimples, grabbing her and pulling her into a tight hug. She kissed her forehead and glanced at the clock behind her bed. It was 5:30 and it was almost time to meet Calliope. She gave the girl a little extra squeeze, tucked the covers around her tiny body, and gave her another smile before leaving the room. It was exactly what she needed. Sometimes even the simplest advice is the best.
While the purple monkey wouldn't really help matters with Callie, she knew she had something else to give her that might mend things between them. She would give Callie her whole heart. It was all she had to give, and she hoped beyond any and all hopes, that it would be enough. Because it had to be.
Arizona decided to take the stairs down to the locker room, a slight bounce to her step now that, for the first time in a week, she had hope. She knew exactly what she needed to do, needed to say, Callie was making dinner, and if luck were on her side, she knew that by this time tomorrow they could be on the road to a full recovery. As she reached the last three steps of the staircase, she propelled herself forward, leaping and landing in a loud thump, a huge grin spread across her face.
She opened the door and clicked her heels to the floor, opening her wheels and glided her way to the Attending's locker room to change. She had made sure to bring Callie's favorite top and the jeans that hugged her in just the most perfect, comfortable of ways. She knew if she could gain that extra ounce of courage from being comfortable, from being herself, that she couldn't go wrong. As she reached for the door she heard a stifled whimper coming from behind it, unsure of its source she was hesitant in going in at all, but something about the sound sent a chill down her spine. She quietly padded through the door and followed the noise, not wanting to intrude on whomever was crying, but as she rounded the corner, what she saw broke her heart. It was Callie, and she was sobbing into her lab coat.
The first thought that crossed her mind was that Callie had lost a patient, but she rarely ever cried about that. So the only logical conclusion would be that it was about her, about their dinner tonight. Apparently things were a lot worse than she had originally believed. Callie had given up, and the thought of going trough the motions and letting Arizona try and fix it, left her sobbing in the locker room. Arizona runied her one chance, and her heart plummeted to her stomach as she turned to walk away, leaving Callie in peace, intent on never hurting her or making her cry ever again.
"Ar-Arizona? Is that you?"
She stopped dead in her tracks, eyes wide, the chill resurfacing and tingling every inch of her skin. She took a deep breath, holding back the tears that threatened to fall, turned around and walked back to her. "It's me baby. What's wrong?"
"I-I lost a patient. You remember Mr. Foust? I told you about him two weeks ago. He-he was fine and then he tripped over his dog and now he's dead. Dead Arizona, he was so excited because his daughter just had a baby girl a few days ago and he was going to be able to push her on the swings. The swings Arizona! And I killed him. I took that little girl's Grandpa away from her before she even got to meet him. I'm just - so tired of everything around me dying. I - I can't. I'm so sorry."
She buried her face back into her coat as Arizona sat down next to her, rubbing her shoulder firmly and kissing her temple, pulling her into a tight embrace. She felt horrible. She had assumed it was about her, she had acted selfishly, running away instead of trying to comfort her. This had to stop. She had to stop making it about what Arizona needed, what Arizona was afraid of. It had to be about Callie. It was time Arizona gave herself compeltely to her. So that instead of having to hide from one another when they were in pain, they could be equals, the could need each other, they could depend on one another. This is how it's supposed to be.
"Hey - look at me. You didn't kill him Callie, you have to know that, you're an amazing surgeon. You can't control what happens once you discharge him. Accidents happen, you can't blame yourself. I - I know we were supposed to have dinner tonight and talk, but - you really need to just get some sleep. We can wait, this - this can wait, you need to rest, I can tell you're exhausted."
"What? No. I - I don't want to be alone tonight. And we need to talk, we can't keep putting it off, I'm so tired of all the arguing and the bickering. Let's just, give me a few minutes to change and clean up and then we'll go, okay? I'll meet you in the lobby."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive." She gives her a sad smile and presses a kiss to her cheek. At least it's something. At least she's willing to give it a shot.
Arizona kisses her temple and squeezes her hand, getting up and walking to her locker, changing quickly and heading out the door. She knew Callie would need some time to compose herself before she headed back into the halls, and Arizona needed the time too. Being that close to Callie again made her dizzy. Her subtle perfume and lotion engulfed her senses and made her never want to leave her embrace. And if she was going to do this, she needed her head all in this.
She tapped her foot lightly to the music in the lobby, smiling as people passed her by, waiting for Callie to join her so they could make their way to the apartment. Toay had been a stressful day, and she hoped that she would be able to alleviate both of their heavy plates by making things right. She caught glimpse of Callie waving to a little boy and flashing him that smile she was so in love with as she strode towards her. God she missed that. Getting to leave with Callie next to her, that beautiful smile, those long curls. She was determined to never let her go again.
Reaching her arm around the counter behind Arizona, announcing her arrival with a light tug around her shoulders, Callie smiled softly and raised her eyebrows expectantly.
"You ready?"
Arizona sighed and looked her straight in the eyes with a nod and a warm smile. "'I've never been more ready to go home in my entire life, let's go."