CHAPTER ELEVEN

It was a cool evening. The chill as they walked up to her front porch was significantly warmer than the brisk temperature between the two of them. An awesome way to start things, they both thought in unison.

As the door was opened and Arizona ushered Callie inside, flicking on the light and dropping her keys on the side table, she offered to take Callie's coat for her, but Callie beat her to it, already walking behind her and removing her coat from her body. The blonde instantly smiled, Callie always made sure she was taken care of.

"I'll start dinner," she said as she hung up the coats and walked into the kitchen, flipping on the bar lights on and opening the fridge to inspect if the Arizona had remembered to get groceries.

"I got them this morning Callie, everything you need should be in there, I know how you like fresh ingredients best, and you know I'm never here much these days so I had to do some shopping. I hope I didn't forget anything."

"Everything's here Arizona, thank you. Put some music on and I'll make us some drinks and you can tell me about your day, okay?"

She walked over to her purse and pulled out her iPod, quickly skimming over the playlist that had come on the last night they were together, that night, and silently made a mental note that if they survived this, Callie needed to make her a new playlist with a new title.

She selected her "Zen" playlist and placed it in the dock, pressing play and walking back over to grasp for the glass of wine Callie had poured for her. Flashing her a soft smile and locking eyes with her for a moment, a moment that made her heart flutter softly, she sat down on one of the bar stools and traced the rim of the glass with her fingertip. "Is there anything I can do to help? You still haven't taught me how to make tilapia fish tacos with that yummy sauce like you promised you would months ago, pretty please?" Maybe putting on the charm and pouting a little would help lessen the tension between them. Maybe it would show Callie that she was really trying.

"Ari, that's because whenever you help in the kitchen you always end up coming in behind me and," she paused, stole a look at her girlfriend, and changed the subject, not wanting to bring up anything having to do with their love life. If this was going to work, all the cards were going to be on the table, no distractions. And sex was a big distraction. Hence, why Arizona didn't know how to cook. "Anyway, how was work?"

"It was, well, it was work. You know. Sick kids, scared parents, hardcore surgeries that I rocked, you know, the norm." She flashed her a quick dimpled smile, cocking her eyebrow.

"Sounds about right, and your modesty is sooo attractive Arizona."

"You know you love it."

"Yeah." With a deep sigh she turned around and gracefully moved her way around the kitchen, putting ingredients into the pot, throwing spices in, cutting this, peeling that, as she stirred and watched the boiling water, finding it instantly fascinating.

As she did so she felt Arizona's eyes following every movement. Secretly she loved it, it was her favorite thing, to cook for Arizona and feel her watching her. She never let on that she knew Arizona did that, and she never once turned around to catch her staring. Usually she didn't have to, as Arizona would come up behind her and take her then and there. It never failed. Not that she would ever complain. There was just something so sexy about a reaction like that over something as simple as her cooking. Something she'd definitely use to her advantage from now on.

But as the good memories flooded her brain, she was forced back into the present when Arizona called her name. There was a reason they were here, and it wasn't a pleasant one. She knew Arizona understood where things were, and it weighed on her heart like nothing ever had before. Could this be the last night they would spend together?

As the meal finished and Arizona set the table, Callie watched her intently, trying to read her body language, trying to see if she'd given up, if she even cared, if there was even a hint of defeat in her posture, in her movements. But she couldn't read her, perhaps that was for the best, she would know soon enough.

They sat there, directly across from one another, sheepishly stealing glances through hooded eyes. It wasn't cute flirtation kind of glances; it was the kind you do when you're in trouble, or when you say something stupid and embarrassing. The entire dinner had been completely silent, and awkward, and ridiculously painful. Callie stared at her food, only glancing up twice to see if Arizona was eating and if she was looking at her. Arizona merely played with her food, pushing it around her plate with her fork, mindlessly taking a bite every so often. Not because she was hungry, her nerves were far too active inside her tummy to even entertain the idea of food. But, Callie had cooked her dinner, and she wasn't about to make her even angrier by refusing to eat.

As she reached for her drink, she decided to chance Callie catching her staring, and looked directly at her. She missed that, just being able to look at her whenever she wanted. It always made Callie blush whenever she did, and Arizona loved that. Even now, she realized, she was completely taken at how beautiful Callie really was. She wasn't wearing her necklace – neither was Arizona, though – and she was without her signature black, and slightly chipped, nail polish. Her purple shirt accentuated all the perfect places on her body in the most delicious way. She thought about what Cristina had said earlier. How she wasn't telling Callie everything she needed to hear, how she needed to show her instead. She needed to give her something concrete, something to prove she was done hiding, that she would fight for her, that she'd stop hurting her to win arguments, and that she was indeed completely invested. The problem was, she had no idea how to do that without losing herself in the process. The best she could do, she supposed, was try. Pumping herself up for a moment, she attempted to start a conversation once again. "So, I heard about how you rocked your surgery this morning, I wish I could have seen it. I tried sneaking away but I was up to my ears in paperwork and I - "

"I'm going to take a shower," Callie said, abruptly interrupting her, dropping her fork onto the plate with a loud clank, her tone completely apathetic. She pushed herself away from the table and walked to Arizona's bedroom, swiftly closing the door behind her, leaving Arizona mentally kicking herself for inadvertently reminding Callie of her failed surgery today.

Several moments later, Arizona could faintly make out the water being turned on. She sat back in her chair, tossing her napkin onto her plate, inhaling sharp and deep, letting it out in a loud sigh. She felt completely defeated. An emotion she had promised herself she would never let herself feel ever again. She was at a complete loss. She was sure that having dinner together would have been a way to ease the tension between them. And when Callie had said she would cook, it had given Arizona a little hope. But obviously, the dinner idea was a big fail. It didn't even seem like Callie was willing to try anymore.

Then again, why would she? Arizona hated to admit it to herself, but Callie had made some damn fine arguments in the case against her. She had kept herself barricaded behind the strongest of walls, and until Callie came along, no one had tried or cared enough to try to tear them down. But what Callie couldn't understand was, that the wall she built up so high? It was the only thing keeping her alive. Allowing her to make it through the day, making her empty life and broken heart somewhat bearable. It wasn't one of those broken hearts that healed over time or that could be fixed by someone new. No, this kind of broken was permanent.

The walls allowed her a safe haven from her past, she was safe behind them, and until Callie, no one even seemed to notice, or at least weren't aware that she closed off part of herself, hid it from the world, from herself. She hid well behind her façade. Her naturally bubbly, tough when she need to be, good man in a storm, persona. Most people had no clue of the wounds she carried around with her, the pain she buried deep inside, just so she could get on with her life. It was so much easier, and so much less messy to keep it locked away and carry on as if nothing bad had ever happened.

Facing heartache, admitting defeat, trusting; believing in people again, those were things that weren't options for her anymore. Those are the things that died along with her brother and nephew. Unfortunately, this prerogative of hers put Arizona in the uncomfortable position of either protecting her heart, her secret, or losing the one person she cared more about than anyone before Callie.

Arizona loved her, everything about her. She had been in love with her for as long as she could remember. The thing about being with Callie was, she could hardly remember her life before they were together. She had been searching desperately for that. The kind of love that made time stop and the past before the person, completely disappear. The second chance kind of love. Ironically, it was the past Callie made Arizona almost forget, that she so hopelessly needed her to open up about.

She realized, sitting there, alone, that Callie was literally amazing in every way. Her love made Arizona feel invincible. Deep down in her heart of hearts, Arizona did believe Callie would protect her heart should she give it to her fully. She wasn't the type to carelessly throw it away and move onto the next pretty, bubbly girl surgeon that came along. The kind of girl who didn't have such a painful past, the kind who could give herself fully with no qualms or strings attached. But, she also knew that Callie loved her completely. Deeply. Wholly. And she also knew that Callie was unpleasantly acquainted with how painful it was to have your heart shattered. And most importantly, she knew exactly how it felt to be broken. The difference between her broken and Callie's broken was simple, and exactly as Callie had mentioned the other night at Joe's. She was able to pick up the pieces and come out stronger afterwards. No, Callie wasn't broken anymore, but the reality of the situation was, Arizona still felt just as broken today as she had four years ago. She was the broken one, and to finally admit that to herself felt oddly ... relieving. Mostly because she knew that Callie was the one person who could put the pieces back together. The one person who would want to. But she had to tell her first. That was the first step.

Arizona stood up and cleared the table, putting the leftover food in plastic containers. She carefully scrubbed the plates clean in the sink, opting against just putting them in the dishwasher. The mundane task was a welcome distraction from the silence that came with waiting for Callie to finish. As soon as she'd put everything away in their respective cupboards, she walked over to the iPod dock in her living room, filling her apartment with the soft hum of classical music once again.

Just as she sat down on the love seat, she faintly heard Callie's shower switch off and her mind instantly began buzzing with how to begin the conversation she knew they needed to have if they were going to get through this. There could be no holding back this time, no matter how much she wanted to. Her need for Callie in her life outweighed her need to keep things buried deep inside. She played with the hem of her shirt, silently preparing her speech in her head.

Thirty minutes passed and Callie still had yet to emerge from the bedroom. In fact, Arizona hadn't even heard any sounds in the last fifteen minutes or so, and she was beginning to get a little nervous, the worry bouncing unsteadily around in her tummy like a popcorn maker. Slowly approaching the door, almost tiptoeing, she pressed her ear up against the crack of the door. Still hearing no sounds, she softly called out to her, earning no response. She placed her right hand on the knob and knocked lightly, softly saying her name once more before turning it, and slowly opening the door.

She found Callie, still clad in only her pink towel, hair draped and stringy over her shoulders, sitting on the floor, back against her bed, knees pulled tightly to her chest, face buried in her hands, fingers grasping at her cheeks. She heard the quiet sniffling and watched as Callie trembled, obviously unable to contain the tears any longer.

Arizona rushed to her side and dropped to her knees beside her, reaching out for her, and pulling her into her arms. She held her for quite some time, just allowing Callie to sob. She was completely at a loss for words. She definitely hadn't been prepared for this. She lightly stroked Callie's left temple with her thumb, knowing it had always comforted her, as she felt her heart sink deeper with every fallen tear. She was losing her, she could feel it. She was losing everything right before her very eyes, and all she could do was kneel there and hold onto her, hoping it wouldn't be the last time she ever got to.

"Calliope" she quietly whispered, her voice cracking slightly form the pain building in her heart. Callie remained motionless, but she heard her staggering breaths signaling her sobs were slowly dissipating. It was a start, at least.

"I'm broken, Callie, it's me. That's why I said that to you. Because the truth is, it's been me all along, I have been for almost four years now and it was just easier to say you were then to admit to myself that it was me all along." Arizona began. Callie pulled away from her slightly, enough so she could look her right in the eyes. Arizona smiled softly at her, brushing away her lingering tears with her thumbs. Her beat red cheeks, puffy eyes, and wet hair, broke Arizona's heart just a little bit more. Callie stared at her, an unknown emotion clouded her eyes and made it hard for Arizona to gauge if she should continue or not. She could tell how exhausted Callie really was because of all this, really see it for the first time. She also knew this would be her only shot, but as she looked into Callie's eyes, she knew it was no longer about her.

"God baby, look at you, you're exhausted. I'm so sorry I did this to you. So, unbelievably sorry."

Callie dropped her gaze to her lap and shook her head from side to side in obvious defeat. Panicking slightly, Arizona continued, "Let's go to bed." Callie shot her head up and looked at Arizona with disbelief, making the sudden movement to get up. "Callie, wait. Look, we need to talk, I need to talk, I know, okay? But you're…you're, exhausted and it can't be about me anymore. I want to put you into that bed, and hold you close so that you feel safe, so you can get a decent night's sleep. I can tell you haven't been sleeping. Please, even if this is the last time, let me be there for you." She looked Callie square in the eyes and silently pleaded with her. "Just for tonight."

Callie blinked twice and sighed for no other reason than she was too tired to fight with her anymore. She stood, raised her eyebrows in Arizona's direction, and walked around to her side of the bed. Arizona grabbed a navy t-shirt and a pair of running shorts for Callie, throwing them over to her side of the bed. Callie rubbed her hair with her towel and put on the clothes, tossing the towel back towards the bathroom when she was done. She pulled down the covers and crawled under them, sighing and relaxing as her body melted into the bed. Arizona walked to the door, flipped the light switch, and walked back, pausing for a moment in hesitation, before climbing under the covers and scooting behind her lover, pulling her close. They both relaxed and resumed their familiar zone of comfort with one another.

It was certainly a start. And as Arizona inhaled the subtle scent of Callie, she closed her eyes and softly whispered "I love you". Because, plain and simply, she did. And above everything else, every secret she held inside of her, that was a truth she couldn't live without.