For the first time in almost half a week, Callie slept soundly. No nightmares, no tossing and turning, and she knew it was all because of Arizona. At first, she didn't want Arizona to turn it into a way to get out of talking, but she was just so exhausted. Relenting, she let Arizona put her to bed and curl up behind her, the even breathing on her neck, her soft, steady heartbeat lulling Callie to sleep instantly as it remained a constant in her ear. She'd missed it so much, the comfort, the ease of their embraces, how well they fit together. An ambulance siren blared outside her window, waking her suddenly, but she soon relaxed and reached out for the blonde, wanting desperately to pull her warmth back into her body and drift back to sleep. Even if it meant forgetting they were still somewhat angry at one another. But she was met with cold sheets and peeked out of one eye to see why Arizona was gone, and Callie feared instantly that she had had one of her famous nightmares. She'd worried about that every night since they'd been apart, and she too had been terrorized by them, it seems, sleeping without one another, wasn't even conducive to their subconscious.
Callie got out of bed, shivering slightly, and reached for her robe that rested on the cedar chest at the foot of it. She felt the goosebumps as they trailed down her arms and she could just make out the cool draft from the window. While it was cold in the mornings, there was just something about the crisp fall air that made waking up something special. Being able to start a fire first thing in the morning on their days off, curling in front of it on the couch reading and cuddling, one of Callie's favorite things in the whole world. She paused as she walked to the archway of the door and leaned against it, her eyes instantly glued to Arizona's sweet face, the flickering light of the television casting shadows and illuminating her features in such a way that instantly made her smile and sigh. She was just so beautiful. Arizona turned slightly, looking at her, returning Callie's smile and she watched as Arizona wiped a few stray tears from her soft cheeks. They held each other's gaze for a few moments, God Callie had missed her.
"What are you watching?"
It was slight, raspy from her crying, but Callie distinctly heard her say with ease, "You. I'm watching you, Calliope."
For a moment, she couldn't breathe or speak or focus on anything other than Arizona's glistening eyes locked with her own and the electric heat that was spreading through her tummy, her chest, her whole entire body. That's the warmth that she craved whenever they were near each other. The warmth that she'd missed more than anything. In that moment she forgot about everything. The only thing she could concentrate on was being close to her, touching her , feeling her. Callie walked slowly over to the couch and sat down so they were facing each other. She reached up with both hands and ran her thumbs across Arizona's cheeks, drying them from her tears.
"Ari, I don't want you to cry."
"But Callie, I love you. And I want to tell you, I do, I just – I don't understand why I can't. And…" she trails off, inhaling deeply, her breath staggering, Callie's heart breaking.
"And I'm afraid I'm going to lose you, because I'm scared to open these wounds again. Of what it'll do to me. Of who I might become. That you might not love the person that I was and you'll leave. I'm scared Callie. Please understand how much I love you." Her face quivered and her eyes misted over and she pulled her lips into her mouth in an attempt to still her tears.
Watching her crumble right in front of her instantly broke Callie's heart that much more. As much as she knew what needed to happen in order for them to work, her need to comfort Arizona, to love her, was needed more. Callie loosened her fingers around her cheeks and trails them along the path a few tears had run, down her chin, down her neck, across her collarbone, and onto the top of her breast. Arizona's breath caught in her chest and she instantly stills, tears ceasing, as she looked straight into Callie's eyes.
"Calliope – I…"
"I can't help it. I just, I need you to know how much I need you to do this. How much I need us to survive this. How much I need your love," Callie leaned into her and kissed her, soft, closing her eyes, as she tasted the salty tears on Arizona's lips.
"You need to understand, Arizona, that me demanding this of you doesn't mean I love you any less, it means I need you to fight for me, for us," Arizona kissed her back, lovingly, and then reached for Callie's wrists and grasped them tightly as she trailed a line up her jaw, whispering "I love you so much" into Arizona's ear, and placing a gentle kiss on her temple. Callie pulled back, hoping the message was clear, that it's just the two of them there. Two people who love each other and who would do anything for one another.
"Ari, I'll protect you. If you trust me, if you let me into your heart I'll protect it. You'll never be hurt again as long as I live."
She took Arizona's left hand and brought it to her heart, placing hers over it to emphasize that she wanted it to stay there, quickly pressing her other hand to Arizona's racing heart. "We're safe here. Do you feel it? Can you feel us?" Arizona looked at her with an emotion she had never seen in her eyes before. Loss. Profound loss. And it hit Callie's heart so hard that she could almost feel it actually move inside her chest, like she had transferred her every emotion and shared them, placing them gently into her own. Callie looked at her with sadness and Arizona gave her a small, knowing smile as she nodded. As Arizona closed her eyes and took a deep breath, Callie leaned forward and kissed her, stealing the breath right out of her. And in that instant everything else disappeared. And the only thing she desired was to hold onto that connection, to hold onto her and never let go.
"Jesus, I want you Arizona. I want my hands in your hair and your lips on mine. I want your fingertips ghosting over my skin in the way you like to do so much, just under the hem of my shirt, in public, just because you can. I want to taste you, and be inside of you, I want my skin on your skin, and I want every inch of you to be connected with me. I need that so badly. If words can't be spoken, if it's the words you're afraid of, I'll show you just how much I love you, how much you could trust me with your secrets, with your past, with your demons."
Arizona gulped as her eyes widened.
"I want to swallow your cries and your moans, entangling them with my own. I want to relish in the way our legs intertwine so perfectly. The way you look down on me while I taste you, the way your fingernails dig into my skin right before you come. I want to see and feel your stomach muscles clench and release as I run my tongue and teeth down them, ghosting their outline with my lips as I make my decent. I want to say, more than anything, "Turn off the TV Arizona, come to bed with me, let me make love to you." I want to push you back against the arm of this couch and climb on top of you, following your eyes as they roam my body. I want to pull off my shirt and pants and watch your eyes darken with lust and feel your hands on my breasts. I want to stand, grabbing your hands in my own and pulling you up with me, dropping your hands and enticing you to come closer to me. I want to pull you hard into me, claiming your mouth as my possession as my tongue enters yours and devours you, sending a delicious need coursing through both our bodies. I want to feel that desperation with you, of who will give in first, giving over the power to be taken. God Arizona, I only hope you understand just how much I love you, how much I need you, how much I want to be inside of you in every way possible. To connect with you, mind, body, and spirit. To become one. If only you'd understand, if only you'd let me in, we could be beautiful together. But you have to let me in. I want all of these things, and I know you can see just how badly in my eyes."
Arizona's brow creased and her heart became heavy in awe as Callie gave her hands a light squeeze. Only Callie would make a speech about opening her heart up to her and mix it with something so damn sexy to emphasize her point.
"Arizona, I want you. In every way possible. Every second of every day I want you. Right now I want to hand my body, my heart, over to you. And I want to show you how much I love you. But first, I need you to hand me your heart. It's scary, it's terrifying actually. You asked the same thing of me months ago. But I knew you'd be one person who wouldn't want to break it. Now let me be the one person who will never hurt you. Please, Ari."
Arizona looked at her with such sadness, such pain. Callie reached up to caress her cheek, needing that comfort for herself in case she rejected her, and for Arizona to show her she never could. Callie watched as she scrunched her brow again and took a deep, slow breath. She reached for Arizona's hand to keep a connection, any connection, to pass her warmth to her so it'll encase her heart. Arizona opened her mouth; looking at Callie with such intensity her stomach flips and she stopped breathing altogether.
"Do you remember the first person you killed, Calliope?"