AN(13 August 09): I must say that I'm a little disapointed with the reactions (or lack thereof) to the last chapter. The number of readers dropped and so did the number of reviews. It's not up to where I would like it to be. It will most likely not be a good thing for the story, but against my better judgement I'm posting this chapter now. The number of readers by day drops so much after day two that waiting more would just achieve nothing. Anyway, I can't disapoint those who do like the story so on with it. Thanks to HinekoAkahi for his betawork and for his contribution to this chapter's and the next's plots.

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Just kill me right now. I'm begging you here! I just can't take even another second of this. So, ok, I already knew that the classes would be boring. But this is abuse! I seriously didn't think that the only upside of this place would be it's library! I was all like there is no way that they'll just explain what's in the textbooks and leave it at that. If some people are that slow they'll surely split the class in two or something. It's not like they are lacking teachers! But noooo! They just read what's written out loud, translate it in Troll for those that didn't get it the first time, and then it's practice-time.

What the hell?

They even refused to answer questions about more advanced material! Bun-woman, the transfiguration teacher for now, even scolded me when I did. She accused me of trying to show of! Me! Isn't she the one that started the class by shifting out of her animagus form? Isn't she the one that changed her desk into a pig and back for no apparent reason? I would understand if she had commanded it to go to another place before changing it back. That way if she is so incompetent in charms that she can't levitate the desk she can still move it where she wants to. But it was right back. One flick following the other. Vap and Vousch!

Desk, pig, desk.

At least the gnome in charms was somewhat polite about it. Oh, I'm truly sorry mister Potter; but we don't have time to discuss that particular theory until fifth year! I can recommend some books though… I already did the reading! How would I even know about it if I hadn't? Seriously, what is wrong with these people? You can't discuss interesting things, you can't do anything but the assignment, and you can't read anything but the textbooks during class… How did they know by the way? I had charmed all my extra stuff to look like the regular books.

Maybe it would have been more discreet with only one book on the desk?

And now they'll check for it every time. And most likely warn the others all about it! I hate my life. That's a month of last-resort preparations going vanishing in smoke. I swear, if I could get the money my parents spent for me to attend Hogwarts back I would be in Salem already. Assistant and B be damned! And frankly, when you know how much of a genius I am, and how boring the classes are, can you blame me for animating little army-men, for making them charge around and climb on random students?

If her glare is any indication, D can.

Oddly I can't seem to care. Having half a dozen green miniature soldiers in her hair and thirty more launching a cohesive assault on her legs, which are pretty by the way, makes her look that much less of a threat. Though I do feel sorry for the ones she beheaded or dismembered in various other ways. That can't have been pleasant. Somehow, I don't think she studied a lot of red magic because she didn't even try to burn them or do anything similar.

Or maybe it's just that for some unknown reason she doesn't want Bun-woman to know.

After all, she could be calling her for help right now. And she isn't doing it. Oh look! She just successfully transfigured her match into a perfect needle! And she pinned a poor sergeant to the table. It's struggling but if you consider just how much of a strength boost she gained from her murderous rage, it isn't likely to get free anytime soon. It's amusing in a way, but I always thought that my survival instinct was really strong. I guess I was always wrong because I know for a fact that I'm going to pay shortly for today's happenstances.

Dearly.

And I don't think that boredom alone could bring me that far. So, why am I doing it? I don't know. It feels right somehow and it confuses me. Well, it doesn't matter, I guess. I'll just need to be extra-careful in the following days. Still, she fought with courage and passion. And she didn't tell on me. That has to count for something, right? I'll just give her some peace now. Maybe they should all go for Malfoy? I send them. If he tries to call the show-off that projects her feelings on others, I'll just instantly melt them all and make him look stupid.

It looks like D doesn't know if she wants to be relieved or keep angry.

I give her a wink. Yeah, I know. I have a death wish. But that reminds of another thing that B said yesterday. I can't keep calling Malfoy girlish-boy. Because that would just cause problems later. But I can't call him Malfoy either because that would be a sign of great respect in the light of me calling everybody else by nicknames. So he needs a nickname too. One that doesn't make fun of him. Which is hard. His name starts with D too I think… and D is D already… how about little D or small D? Short D maybe? I don't think he can object to any of the three.

D is bigger than him after all.

I lost track of my thoughts again. This I didn't mess up. All my emergency rations are under a meter-wide notice me not field. I almost just covered the rations but then I realized that people would still see me eating. They just wouldn't have been able to say exactly what. It would have been somewhat funny to see what they would have answered when I would have asked just what they thought I was eating, but the hypocrites would probably have gone with a "That hardly matters mister Potter! And ten points for your cheek!" and be done with it.

Nazis, the lot of them!

Bun-woman finally stopped talking. About time. Now it's lunch and the joys of Lockhart in all his blazing neon-white glory. It'll be hard, and let's be honest here, the casualties will be appalling. But I, at least, intend to survive the experience with most of my self-esteem still intact. If I need to burn his shoes and vanish his pants to manage that then so be it! I'm not the regular eleven year old that you can bully when you feel like it.

Hey! Where is everybody?

Damn it! I knew that marmalade-toasts were too slow acting to be of any help! I'll stick with the mini apple-pies after lunch then. Well, there is really no point in staying in an empty classroom without doing anything like that… So out of here! I pick my stuff quickly and go for the door. I step out and…Argh! … and I'm brutally slammed against a wall. "What in Merlin's name took you so long Potter?!" Well, I'm not going to answer that, whoever it is that is asking doesn't matter. Oh! It's D! "Never mind that D. I know you can't keep your hands off of me but I am afraid that I am the tender-love type… so if you could let me go…"

Hey was that a blush?

"What did you say?!" Now that's just sad. "Look, it's way too late to start acting like a good snake now. Following the hissing rule now just reminds everybody of how you ignored it then!" She looks lost for a moment. It's one of the very first stages of depression, I hear. Maybe I should try to convince the others to keep her? On trial basis, mind you. "It may be hard to believe Potter, but I don't have time to listen to the crazy things that sprout from your mouth right now!"

Isn't bargaining supposed to be somewhere between denial and anger?

No matter. I'll just go with the flow. "Fine then. What do you want?" Yep! That's definitely the anger stage! "What do I want? What do I want? I want to know what your problem with me is!" Well, that's a tough one. Best to be honest about it. "I was wondering about the very same thing in fact… but I can't seem to come up with a reasonable explanation. Don't worry though, if you give me one or two months to experiment and test theories I'm sure I can reach an agreeable conclusion."

She looks really mad now. Both ways.

Luckily she seems to realize it too. She just took a deep breath. That's good. "Lets start with questions suited to morons then, Potter. Why did you send an army or weird little animated toys against me?" Can't be honest about that. She doesn't look like the gossipy kind but with girls you can't really know for sure. "Animation? Surely you jest! Isn't that a NEWT skill? Am I not a muggle-raised halfblood? Do I look like I'm a genius or something?" She thinks about it for a second and let me go.

Now I feel insulted. Is she implying that I don't look like a genius?

"I better not be able to link you to any future incidents if you treasure your life Potter. Are we clear?" I almost laughed when she choose incident rather than problem or attack. As it is I just nod happily with a slight grin. I guess I do look like I could be a genius if she is still half-suspicious of me like that. "Bye D!" She doesn't turn back and just keeps stalking down the corridor. Ok, lunch it is then!

I walk maybe ten meters before someone grabs me again and drags me into an alcove.

How annoying. I look at my aggressor, or should I say at my aggressors? The twins that Assistant talked about the other day are holding one of my arms each and doing their best to look threatening. I'm unfazed of course. It wouldn't take me a second to get rid of them and neither of them even have their wand out yet. "You! – Young man! – It is you! – The very one! – That pranked Snape!" They pause dramatically. You have got to give them credit for theatrics at the very least. I should start building the animation up. While not as bothersome as gold could have been, the armor suits around here are iron and it's moderately magic-resistant.

"Please teach us!"

How… well, how abnormal. My scapegoats don't seem to mind being my scapegoats all that much. They look a lot like my fan-boy, too. Maybe that's it! They are mad purebloods instead of stupid purebloods like their relative! The way their twinspeak reminds me of Wonderland characters only confirms it. The book is, in fact, a warning against the wizarding world. Visit either you like; they're both mad. – But I don't want to go among mad people! – Oh you can't help that! We are all mad here! Hum… cracker time it would seem.

"So I'll take that as indication that you didn't mind being blamed?

The one of my right is frowning now. But his face clears as soon as the other one mumbles something for only him to ear. "Of course not! It's so rare to find quality pranksters nowadays!" So they thought it was just for fun? I can live with that. "What are a hundred detentions in face of the eternal glory?" Ok, they are really weird. A hundred? And they didn't attack yet? Maybe they realize just how skilled I must be to pull something like that of?

"Anyway – Back to business! – You are a Slytherin right? – Member of a house of people who trade all the time, yes?"

I nod slowly. I don't think that they have skills to trade like with B but who really knows? I might as well hear them out. "You see – my young friend – our dream is- to open a joke-shop. – And for that – to happen – every single thing helps. – So teach us – what you did to Snape – please. – And in exchange, we – will reveal to you – all of Hogwarts – most guarded secrets!" Well, that's a big no-no… but it was worth a shot… Wait! "You said that you wanted to have a successful joke-shop right?"

They nod.

"And that's why you are always pulling pranks right? To be famous enough to have a decent chance of blowing the competition when you hit the market right?" They nod again. Now all starts to make sense. "Then how about I let you have the credit for anything I pull? That would boost your future sales right? Shouldn't that be enough?" They are grinning now and for a second I think that I got them. But it turns feral pretty soon. "Ah but little one – do you mean that if we disagree – you will claim them – as your own?"

The false expressions of sadness on their faces are quite infuriating.

"I think we all know that I won't. For the simple reason that I have nothing to gain and all to lose doing so." I can see victory in their eyes. Time to squash it like an annoying mosquito. "But I don't like pranking, even if my talent for doing so appears to be considerable. What I did to Snape was just a distraction to avoid him." Yes. They are mine now. Sorry guys! "I could, of course, try and do it anyway if you do keep your end of the bargain… Think of it as an investment. The more I know the more impressive I can be right?"

They lost and they know it.

What I just did wasn't pink magic. I didn't use the tone of voice very carefully, I didn't pick my words so much as they picked me, and I didn't order my sentences in any particular way. I just won a bargain because my arguments were the best and we all know it. They hold almost nothing and all the biggest cards are up my sleeves. But lets see what they have left. "But you don't look like you are more than fourth year… how could you know all that much about this place anyway? Are you trying to pull a fast one over me?"

I almost expect them to start denying like I accused them of murder.

But they just grin. Do they really have that much info? I guess they must to be the top in their area around here. One of them just pulled something from his pocket. It's… a piece of parchment? The other took his wand and muttered something. What the hell? It's… it's a map! Of Hogwarts! And it's interactive it seems! Now that is almost gold. I lick my lips. "How about this, one great prank per month minimum credited on the amazing whatever-your-names-are and you let me borrow that for a year or until I manage to replicate it, whichever comes first?"

Twin number one is wide eyes.

"You think you could replicate it?!" Ouch! Twin number two just shoved his elbow in number one guts. "What my dear brother means is that, seeing how priceless this particular artifact is, we couldn't accept less than once per week and a extra-replica of our own if you ever manage added to the right to take it temporarily back at anytime we have something major going ourselves." Damn but this one knows how to bargain! "Once a moth, the replica and the instructions about how to make one for other places if possible and I let open the option of sharing a couple of tricks once we all trust each other more. I'm afraid that your last request I can't guarantee but you are free to ask at anytime."

"Deal!"

It takes two minutes for them to instruct me in the map's utilization. The thing is amazing! I think that I just evened the odds of my game of tag with Snape. Of course, I'm still worried about Lockhart. I can most likely escape easily enough from him, but I see him twice a week in class and he, unlike Snape, won't see recruiting minions as beneath him. So yeah… both are pretty much equally dangerous but with the map on my side, gaining an edge over neon-white-fangs is a priority.

So… lunch!

There's the hall. And all that's left are desserts. Well, it's not like I don't know were the kitchens are since I have the map now. I always wondered why we always eat dessert after the meal. I do understand why we don't eat both at the same time. That's just disgusting. But why not before? Is it because the best is supposed to always come last? But what if one day the meal is really great? Or the dessert really lame? It just doesn't make any sense. I tell B as much. He is looking at me weirdly now. But then again, he still is a pureblood… conventions before logic is their motto.

I don't really have a problem with conventions.

But conventions seem to have a problem with logic. And logic is like my best friend, or something. Logic and me, we stick together. We are friends with benefits! But you knew that already, didn't you? After all, what kind of genius doesn't do logic? I know I do her all the time. Damn, I am starting to get immune to this place's food or something? Best to walk faster towards the kitchens. Here we are. I tickle the pear and enter. Damn but that's a lot of elves!

"Welcome little master! What is yous willing?"

Discovery of the day. No matter how much you read about them, hearing and seeing elves is not something normal human beings are prepared for. The squeaky voice added to the language quirks, the semi-nudity and the disproportional appendages is almost a guarantee for a good laugh. Which is too bad for me since I don't fancy offending They-who-provide-the-food. Holding back my chuckles at their cartoon-like ways is almost painful.

"Hum… just… just…hrmr… just give me some leftovers from the meal please. Nothing sweet if you would."

I take a good look at the map while I eat. It's definitely a piece of complex magic and I only have a year to figure it out. Better start with the diagnostic charms. Magia revelio. Nothing. I whistle. The guy who made that thing must have been really good at concealment magic if it doesn't even appear as magical to a diagnostic. I start to feel the parchment. There. The thing itself is inert as it is but there is a link to the wards. If I had to guess I'd say that it serves the double-purpose of updating it constantly and of being an activation trigger that isn't tied to the object itself. When you say the password, or pass-sentence really, Hogwarts herself loans the magic needed to make it work.

Which unfortunately means that the thing won't work outside the grounds.

That means two month less to crack the code. Which in turn means less sleeping-time this year. Yeah… I'm kind of obsessive like that. I chose to see it as a quality though. I activate the thing. Yeah, I can feel the magic now… But how did the guy do it? Obviously the map takes the info it needs directly from the monitoring part of the wards. But how can it do that with charms? You can't activate and deactivate a charm. That's why we still use runes nowadays. Runes can be activated or deactivated as long as the guy who carved the basic runic array planned it that way. Most do, so as not to consume too much magic.

But where are the runes then?

With objects like the sorting hat it's easy enough to see if you look carefully. Form-magic doesn't care much about essence, so just putting odd and apparently-random tears in the fabric could have been enough. Maybe it's just thread embroidered in the inside? I don't much care for now. The damn thing is square so the form of the object is out. And I can't see ant gravures on it. I suppose it could be that Hogwarts is the thing that the guy tampered with before bounding the piece of paper by using ritualism but the Headmaster would have known.

Unless a Headmaster made it?

No, no, no! I mustn't let these people corrupt my mind. Why think of conspiracies and forgotten magics when there must be much simpler explanations around? Well, of course the map's creator was a wizard… But there will be time later for paranoia. What would I do? Hum... most likely just draw runes on the back of the thing. But I can't see anything on the back. Let's think some more. There is a pass-sentence. That means that whomever the enchanter was wanted to conceal it's true purpose. But any magical form of concealment would still be sensed as magic. What I would have done would have been to put a lot of useless functions out of the concealment to make people think that the stuff was magical but useless.

But the map's creator obviously didn't go that way.

Something subtle then. How do you conceal ink-runes without using magic? Wait! Ink… ink… ink… magic… magic… magic… ink-magic… magical-ink? That's it! What a devious little muggle-raised we have here! It shows that the map isn't very old, too. Suboculus. With the spell to allow me to see under my normal spectrum I confirm my theory. The bastard used magical ink. Also know as invisible ink. Lemon juice is the first that comes to mind but there are quite a lot that work just as well. A true genius he or she was. Trust wizards to never even think of it.

Unfortunately there is still a lot of work ahead.

The array in the map's back is quite complex and is based on Celtic runes, most likely to link it with Hogwarts more easily. The problem is that Celtic runes are crude when compared to Nordic, Egyptian or even Mayan runes. I won't even compare them to oriental glyphs as those don't even work in the same way. So yeah… as most archaic things tend to be, Celtic runes don't have that much good books to be learned from. And that means that I'm no good with them since Hogwarts' library is probably the only place in England where I can access one. Don't get me wrong, I have some stuff from the Potter-vault, but it's not the basics. Only advanced stuff.

So yeah… that's a lot of sleep flying away from me.

Time for Defence now. I hope that He-whose-smile-is-unnatural won't go too hard on me the first day. Yeah, right. I would probably have as much luck wishing for Black to suddenly wake up and decide to do his godfather-duty after a decade hating my guts. Somehow, I don't see that happening either. But what do I know?