Chapter 3 The Morning After
Rukia woke to the eyes of her husband who had been watching her for the latter part of the night.
"It's morning. What happened?" she asked.
"You fainted." he said.
"Oh." she said sitting up and looking sullen.
He lay his head on her lap and while looking up at her she placed her hand on his cheek. Neither needed to speak any words. Deep down under all the sadness and personal baggage there was a bond and a love that went beyond anything that could occur on the surface. It was in the few moments like this that it shown through, and they both felt like they could not exist without the other.
As the day went on Ginrei called the pair in to discuss an issue that was brought to his attention, one that he did not want to have to deal with but it was unavoidable in the world of nobles.
"It seems they do not care that you have children, because they were born out of wedlock. There is a bigger issue some family members do not care for the marriage and one of the servants has been relaying the message that nothing has been occurring in your bedroom. If the marriage is not consummated they believe they may have a case to annul the marriage." Ginrei said.
The news and accusations were abhorrent, it was no ones business, and couldn't have come at a worse time. It was however, true. They had kissed often but the act of sex had never occurred since he forced her. It was as if they were both avoiding it to not stir any bad memories.
When evening came Rukia was the one to initiate the intimacy. She sat in the bed wrapped in nothing more then a sheet. Her fists clenched the sheet tightly and her look of determination was that of a soldier about to do battle. It was awkward and he looked like stone trying to kiss her. The kiss had been all wrong. They tried to continue by touching one another but it seemed like they were just checking something off of a list.
"I can not." he said pulling away from her and laying down to pretend to sleep.
She turned to face opposite him and curled in a ball. She was sobbing as quietly as she could. All she could feel was rejection and it somehow made her feel dirty. He lay there next to her pretending to not hear her cry, failure was all he could think of, he couldn't touch her while she looked like she was braced for torture and not when his own fear of hurting her again kicked in.
What they both did to remedy the situation was to ignore it wholly. Byakuya worked more then he needed to and Rukia put all her efforts into the children.
Ichigo was all grown up. He had become a handsome man. He had come for training and he used his extra time to see Rukia. They began spending an overabundance of time together. She sought the comfort of friendship in him that they had always shared. But it soon became more then that. Byakuya's emotional abandonment had caused her to desperately seek comfort in anyone who would offer it to her.
Soon Ichigo and Rukia were having fun with the kids and looking like the picturesque family. Byakuya would see them from his window and his insides would pain and churn until he was overtaken with hopelessness and dread.
She had so much warmth and love to give and when she tried he only managed to push her away again and again. It was still his fault, he had created the situation and it was apparent that neither had been able to rise above what was going on hidden from the world.
Trust had been his issue all along, as well as hers. He needed to trust others, trust them to do something right for a change and when they didn't, it only reinforced the fact to him that he couldn't trust anyone. He had not even trusted himself and he still didn't. He was so afraid he would hurt her again that he pulled away hurting her in an entirely different way.
He couldn't allow himself happiness and he couldn't allow her light to enter his closed heart. Part of him realized when he was hurting her that she had really been innocent of what he had accused her of, and it didn't matter. By punishing her he found the best way to punish himself. Maybe a part of him liked being miserable and hopeless. With a life of constant mourning there is little to expect and everything is predictable.
If she had been innocent would it have mattered to him or not? Was a question he thought over and over. It really didn't, it was an excuse. He could take the light that she shone upon him and darken it and defile it and she would be just like him, her light wouldn't burn him so much, it wouldn't make him feel so much.
It was all going wrong. He wanted to change everything but the past can not be changed and the future seemed even more difficult a challenge. All he needed to do was trust himself and her, in her love, in her claims of love and devotion. To feel the security of her love, to share the closeness they once did. It was starting to look impossible.
Ever since they returned to the manor it had been a downward spiral. It had seemed like such a hopeful beginning and now all he could see was a bleak end. Could he let her go? There was no way he could. Not for him, not for her, he wasn't strong enough to let her go. He loved her too much to keep her but letting her go seemed a fate worse then death.
For weeks now he continued to watch the two. Rukia radiating a less then innocent sexuality he had never seen from her before. It seemed more like a desperation, a need for acceptance, an attempt to mistake attention for love and take it from anyone willing to share.
"Rukia I know you're not happy here, it's pretty obvious. Come back with me." Ichigo said.
"I…"
"Look I don't know why you married him, but it's obvious to everyone that neither of you want to be married."
"You don't understand and I don't want to talk about it."
"I do understand. Rukia you can come back with me and we can…" she cut him off and kissed him.
She kissed him, she had kissed Ichigo. It was wrong and she knew it, that wasn't what she wanted but it was what she wanted at the moment and she was no longer thinking of the consequences.
"I'm sorry I didn't…"
"So you will come back with me?" he said looking hopeful.
"You don't understand, I shouldn't have kissed you. It was wrong and I don't even know why I did it."
"I have to know if you share my feelings."
"Ichigo I can't return them. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Everything is just so messed up and I don't know how to fix it."
"You need to leave him Rukia. It's killing you." he said.
"It doesn't matter." she said.
"How can you say it doesn't matter? A marriage for convince is what doesn't matter. Your happiness is what matters."
"Ichigo I love him and if it kills me, then so be it." she said stunning him at the cryptic seriousness of her statement.
Byakuya had watched the whole exchange. Telling himself to close his eyes didn't work, every second her lips touched another felt like a curtain being pulled down inside of him. It was like the end, there had to be something he could do but he was at a total loss.
One would have expected Byakuya to go into a jealous rage, but he did not, he did nothing at all but turn away from the window and get back to work.
He was letting too much time pass.