Summary-Broken: A Love fades, mine has explanaion. Dimitri is damaged after being turned back, and pushes away from Rose.
For ELFINA01, who asked for it :)
Broken lyrics
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barley breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay
Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you
I don't own VA or the song Broken, by Lifehouse
DPOV
My ears only detect the sound of the steadily ticking clock. At least one thing in my life was constant.
On nights like these, I either layed awake all night, or slept fitfully, having nightmares, horrid recollections of what had happened to me, to us.
Even while awake, I could scarcely breathe, like my burdens pressed into my lungs, weighing me down, forcing moisture to my eyes.
My eyes flutter, and I can still see that day, the day I was turned back.
I could still feel the pain of the stake, the searing, horrible ache deep within me. But slowly, so slowly, it felt like something was being shoved into my being, something too large for my body. It took several moments of white-hot pain to realize that expanding sensation was my soul. I gasp and choke for breath, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to breathe through the pain. My anger slowly dissolves, but is followed by a fountain of sadness, depression, loneliness, fear, anxiety: a full spectrum of emotion.
My legs give out on me, and through the blinding, intolerable light, I see a heavenly face. Blond haired and jade eyes. An angel.
"Guardian Belikov? Can you hear me?"
I nod weakly, and suddenly, the light is gone in the blink of an eye. The anger, depression, fear, it all crashes into me, and I remember everything. I could see the innocent faces, the screams of horror, the begging and pleading as I slowly drink their liquid life. The mumbling of prayers, goodbyes. I could feel their souls next to me, sad, lost souls. I had taken lives. I had played God, as if they were ever mine take.
And Rose. Roza.
I had wanted her so badly, to have her with me. If I had turned someone like Nathan had turned me, I wouldn't be under his command anymore, he couldn't own me. I would own my own new-born, and I could build an empire. I had dangled sex in front of her, watching as she sunk further and further into total oblivion. She had escaped, and it was then and there I had decided to kill her.
The full force of what I had done crashed down upon me, choking me, sufficating me, until I couldn't breathe. My gut twisted, disgust's cruel hands fingering the lining of my stomach, curling and wrenching my innards. I wanted to scream, but could produce no sound. I wanted to run, but my body was being swarmed by guardians. I wanted to die, but had no way to, not now, not yet. So I used my only out, my only release, my only saviour.
I wept.
Great sobs shook my body, and I could feel my head being lifted from the cold ground, and I was set in her lap. My angel. Vasilisa.
I buried my face into her knee, and let the smooth strokes of her fingertips in my hair soothe my all-consuming horror. I was a murderer. The feelings had been my own, had been part of me.
I wanted to die. I wanted... needed... Rose.
I wanted her to be there, to hold me, to protect me, but as soon as I thought of her, her face, I could only see the glazed expression, her bloody neck, her sweet words of endearment.
I sobbed harder.
"Dimitri!"
Hearing her voice made my heart explode in pain, and I began to reach for Vasilisa's hand, needing her, a substitute. But I was ripped away, shoved up against a wall, cornered. I thought they were going to kill me, but they dragged me away from Vasilisa and handcuffed my hands, shoving me in the trunk of an SUV. I could barely curl myself into the small space, but they didn't care. It didn't matter.
I was nothing.
Obviously having dozed, I wake with a start, a coating of sweat glistening from my skin.
Rose.
I had completely crumbled, and the memory of the jail cell still haunts me. My first request was that I begged to see Rose. Pleaded helplessly.
But, alone in my cell, I wondered if she would want to see me. She had told me she loved me hundreds of times when her blood pumped endorphins, and I felt powerful. So powerful.
But what if, Rose still saw me as that. Surely the image of me, crouched in the corner of the cell, weeping, would send her running. She had loved me when I was strong, when I was in control. But now? I was nothing, the bottom of society.
I couldn't protect her, couldn't be the man she needed me to be. I needed comfort, and could offer no advice or reassurance.
But Rose didn't let go that easily. She managed to get past the Guardians, managed to show up wherever I was, even when I was trying to hide.
And she wondered why I shut her out.
If I didn't, I would have completely fallen apart in her arms, and I just couldn't handle getting another look of disgust.
Don't push so hard, I should have said. Just give me some time, Rose. I just need time. But no, just like I feared I would, I fell apart.
And that's when I had uttered the words that have ultimately led to my downfall.
Love fades, mine has.
In my desperation to create space for myself, I had done the job too well, and successfully shoved her away, right into the arms of Adrian.
I knew this, because the next time I had seen her, her neck was pierced with bitemarks, and the very thought of what they had done made me ill.
I didn't even want to consider it. In the cabin, she had been mine. Completely mine. And I promised myself that I would never screw that up.
And look how well that turned out.
But I bit my tongue. Except for maybe one small word. Or two.
But that was it.
And as much as I hated to say this, I was almost thankful when the Guardians showed up.
Almost.
But when they swarmed around Rose, I knew something was wrong. Instinct took over, and not just my instinct to protect anyone and everyone. All of my old feelings towards her came rushing back. And I think she saw that. She had grabbed onto me, told me to stop, before I got hurt. But I would have protected her to the death.
And now, because of me, she was stuck in a musty cell, my old cell, if rumour serves correctly, and I was lying here, on a plush mattress, in an empty bed. If we could trade places, I would in a heartbeat. She didn't deserve to be in there. She didn't do anything but save my soul. And she had suffered for it. I couldn't help but wonder if she regretted saving me at all.
Vasilisa had been after me ever since to go and visit her, but how could I? What if she rejected me?
I was falling apart at the most moronic things. The odd mention of Rose's condition in prison. The sudden breeze of the perfume that she used to wear. A hair elastic that I had mysteriously found in my jacket pocket, an elastic that I had pocketed after our rushed exit from the cabin. I suppose she must have ended up with the rubber band that I used to secure my own hair at the base of my neck. But she had probably lost it ages ago, or it had snapped.
Coming back to my present, I ease out of bed, my damp skin turned cold. I slip on my leather coat, hoping to bring some warmth into my cold body. The silence is suffocating, and I can see Rose every time I close my eyes.
I exit my room, the circulation of the larger hallway still doing nothing for my compressed lungs. Even the cool evening air does nothing for me, and I find myself aimlessly wandering, walking under the flickering streetlights. The night was young, and the sun was sinking into the sky. It was still too early for any vampires to be up.
With one small smile, I enter the jailhouse, explaining to the Guardians why I was here, my reason for visiting, who I came for. There was no need for names, they knew who I was.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, the stark-white hall before me already had the fluorescent lights humming. I remember what terrible nights I had in this place. I move to Rose's cell. She looks much older than her age. She was always so afraid of losing her youth to her environment, but she could never have known these circumstances.
She lips were slightly parted, her breath even and low. I smile, watching her.
Slowly, I pull her hair elastic out of my pocket, fastening it at the bottom of my neck. She begins to stir, and I decide to leave before she wakes up.
But when I turn to leave, my eyes travel to her wrists.
And I almost break down before the iron bars.
Oh, Roza.
Her wrist, frail from a lack of exercise, is the key to my rush of emotion. Because wrapped around it, just darker than her skin tone, is a old and battered rubber band. It has been pushed a little further up her arm, a thin tan line marking it's former place.
I smile to myself, tears creating a film over my eyes.
"Good morning, Roza."
I slip my hands into my pockets and make my way down the hall, the click of my boots the only proof of my existance in the white world of the prison.
Fooled you! You thought she was cutting her wrists, didn't you! That's right...
Once again, this chapter is dedicated to ELFINA01. I appreciated the idea!