Rachel doesn't know how long she sits against the wall outside of Jack St. James' door. She knows that she sits there until her own tears dry, leaving tracks on her face. She no longer hears Jesse talking to his brother, but she can still hear his slightly stuffed up breathing and she takes that as a good sign.

Rachel still can't fully process the fact that Jesse has become so lonely that he is willing to end his life. There is only one thing that Rachel is certain of and that is that she has to save him. Save him for himself, for Shelby and if she's being completely honest she needs to save him for herself. Because she knows that she can't lose the first boy she fell in love with – that she's still somewhat in love with – she's not ready to let him go.

Rachel hears a shift of the bed springs and immediately pulls herself off of the floor. She doesn't want to be caught; when she doesn't hear any other movement she quietly makes her way back down to the kitchen. She's in need of a tall glass of water and she wants to get away from the room so she can clear her head before she makes any attempt to talk with Jesse.

After placing her empty glass and plate in the sink Rachel grabs the counter to steady herself. She places her head down on the cool tile when she hears movement coming form upstairs. Rachel fights the urge to catch Jesse on his way between the two rooms, but she knows that ambushing him would have a negative effect. She waits a few moments before heading back up stairs. She brings the sandwich she made him for dinner as well.

Stepping out into the hallway Jesse can't hear any sound in the house. He feels lightness and a crushing sadness knowing that Rachel had left him. He enters his own room and drops himself back onto his bed Jesse. He won't cut himself in Jack's room – he doesn't want to make a mess and he knows that if Jack were alive he would kick his ass for what he's doing to himself, so being in his brother's room doing that would be like mocking his memory.

Jesse clutches his pillow to his chest. Once again he's alone and emptiness weighs on his chest. He takes a few calming breaths before rolling over onto his left side and reaching into his night table and pulling out the red Swiss Army knife that his father gave him on for their first camping trip. It was one of the best gifts Jesse had ever gotten and until recently had been stuffed in the back of his closet, a reminder that his parents were no longer around.

The red coat of the knife shines in the fading light that breaks through the blinds. The image burning into Jesse's eyes and Rachel's, as she stands at the door. Jesse pulls out the sharpened blade and slowly turns the knife watching as it catches the light. It shines across his face and from her spot at the door Rachel thinks it's ironic that Jesse is creating a spotlight on himself in his lowest moment.

The next moments pass as if in slow motion. Jesse brings the blade to the pale skin of his arm. Rachel raises her hands to her lips, her eyes widening in horror. She's rooted to the ground and does the only thing she can think of to stop him.

"Jesse, don't." Rachel's voice comes out barely more than a whisper.

Jesse turns his head to the door and sees the frightened expression on Rachel's face. Through her eyes he can see her concern, her fear and hidden behind all that a love. Something that Jesse has been missing for a few years. Jesse just stares at Rachel for a moment before his face crumbles and he lets a sob rip from his chest.

He pulls the knife away from his arm, but he doesn't let it drop. Rachel at hearing the sob puts the plate down and swiftly moves towards the bed. Without thinking Rachel crawls into the bed behind Jesse, spooning in behind him. Her arms wrap around him in a tight embrace. Using her right hand she wraps it around Jesse's hand holding the blade.

Jesse squeezes his eyes shut as he feels Rachel's soft hand wrap around his own. His grip on the knife tightens as Rachel slowly tries to pull his fingers back. Slowly she is able to loosen his hold on the knife, take it from his hand and place it back on the night table. Rachel then brings her hand back and places it on his chest. She can feel his heart pounding as his body shakes with sobs. Rachel pulls him tighter against her chest as his hands grip onto her forearm. Jesse lowers his head and Rachel can feel teardrops on her hands, she places her own on his back. She feels a cool wetness brush her cheek and she realizes that it was formed from her own tears.

Slowly Jesse's tears subside and he no longer shakes with sobs. Rachel keeps her hand pressed against his chest, feeling the steady beating heart below it. Jesse doesn't loosen his grip on Rachel's arm, he holds onto it like a lifeline. For Jesse it is, it's the only human connection he has had since Shelby left and even though he knows that being this close to Rachel without really having her will hurt later, he can't let go.

At one point in the night Jesse drifts off, Rachel does as well. She immediately wakes though when she feels Jesse shaking with a nightmare. Rachel presses kisses against his shoulder and pulls him closer. This calms Jesse and soon he is asleep again, this time however Rachel stays awake, just feeling him breathe. Rachel wishes that she could take away some of his pain just through the simple act of holding him, but she knows that she can't and that he is going to need to find someone to talk with, someone who isn't tied to him.

A couple hours later Rachel feels Jesse stir and then hears his voice break the silence.

"It's not my fault. It's not my fault." Jesse whispers, "Jack? Jack!"

Yelling his brother's name wakes him from his dream. He's breathing heavily and yet it's nothing new to Jesse. It's been the same dream for a while. Everyone blaming him for what's been going wrong and then Jack appears and no matter how hard Jesse tries he can't save his brother from being taken by the speeding car. Jesse closes his eyes but all he sees is the face of his brother, he opens them when he hears his name be whispered.

"Jesse? Jesse."

The sound is soft and beautiful to Jesse's ears, filled with caring and love, a sharp contrast to the voices in his nightmare. The gentle musicality of it brings tears to Jesse's eyes. It's then that he feels Rachel's strong grip on him. Slowly he turns over to face his beautiful girl.

Jesse's sad blue eyes pierce Rachel's caring brown ones and the tears that linger on the edge of both teens spill over. Jesse wraps his arms around the petite girl, hugging her to him and buries his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. The steady sound reminds Jesse of what it's like to be close to someone else. Rachel wraps her arms around Jesse and places her lips to his head. She breathes in and the scent of Jesse fills her senses, bringing back memories of the two of them wrapped up together in Rachel's bed, loving one another. The two teens lay hugging, listening to each other's breathing and in the calm warmth of each other they both drift off.

(LB)

Jesse doesn't know what time it is, all he knows is that his body is sore, but his heart and his mind don't feel so leaded down. He shifts his head and he hears a moan. He opens his eyes thinking it strange that his pillow is making sounds. In the soft light of the dawn Jesse can make out the small curve of a breast and the tan skin of a collarbone. The fact that Rachel stayed fills Jesse with hope and the faint flicker of a smile grace his lips.

Jesse watches Rachel and wonders at the girl who gives herself so selflessly even to someone who hurt her so badly. He brushes back the hair from her cheek, his fingers lightly tracing over the dried tear tracks. Rachel stirs at the soft gesture and her eyes flutter open. She finds herself staring into Jesse's clear blue eyes and she's gives him a slight smile.

Jesse's heart rate speeds at the simple look and he returns the smile, before it slowly fades to a frown as he remembers what happened last night. Jesse licks his lips as he pulls back from Rachel, allowing her to sit up.

"Hey," Rachel whispers.

"Hey."

The two sit in silence that boarder on the uncomfortable. Jesse looks around the room and his eyes settle on the desk.

"For me?" He asks nodding towards the plate of food.

"Yes, I thought that you could use something to eat." Rachel answers.

She pulls herself up from the bed and fetches the plate. She hands it to Jesse as she reclaims her seat on the bed. Jesse bites hungrily into the sandwich. He moans as the taste of peanut butter hits his tongue and the fact that someone has finally made something for him creates a pang of love in Jesse's chest.

"Thank you Rachel." Jesse says as he swallows the last bite. Rachel nods.

Rachel pauses before she speaks; she knows that what she's going to ask is going to be painful for both of them. But she has to know.

"Jesse," Rachel says and he turns to look at her, "why?"

Jesse doesn't need to ask 'why what?' he knows what Rachel is getting at, he looks down at his bed spread before looking up into Rachel's caring brown orbs.

"Because I'm not worth it. Because I'm never enough."

"You are worth it, you're more than enough."

"No I'm not Rachel. Even you said so yourself." Jesse says harshly.

"I didn't mean it Jesse, I was just speaking out of emotion." Rachel says vehemently, grasping onto Jesse's hand to strengthen her point.

Jesse's looks down at their hands and the small gesture bring tears to his eyes. He looks back up at Rachel and he finally feels home.

"Tell me Jesse. From the beginning."

"This time it started the I was made t return to Vocal Adrenalin. The day that I no longer had you to give me something good in my life, something more than just winning."

Jesse tells Rachel about the reasoning behind funkification, about why it had to happen and just how much of his heart was ripped out as he cracked the egg on her head. He tells Rachel about when he no longer had anything but the pain, how he used the pain to remind himself that he was alive. Jesse goes into the details of why he started to cut himself. His story isn't linear; it starts and stops as Jesse tries to fight back the tears. It goes through moments of Jesse's childhood, his memories of Jack, through his parents' disappointments, to his team's hatred culminating in the latest beating. All of which is interspersed with Jesse's own self-loathing and means of coping with the lack of feeling.

By the end of the of the story Jesse is once again wrapped in Rachel's arms as his tears drop onto her shirt, her own fall atop his hair.

"I'm sorry," Jesse whispers.

"Jesse none of that is your fault."

"No I'm sorry that I laid all this down on you Rachel. You shouldn't have to deal with all my problems."

Rachel doesn't respond only hugs him more tightly and drops kisses on his bicep, over the spot where his shirt hides his cuts. Jesse knows that it's her way of telling him that his protests at her staying involved in his life are going to go unheeded. Once again the two fall asleep tangled in each other, with Jesse felling lighter for having told his story and Rachel feeling relieved that Jesse will be able to heal.

I want to say thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far... sorry i don't respond to the reviews, it doesn't mean I don't care, just that most of the time i'm at work when i get them and can't log onto to ff to respond.
so here is the thank you for them :)
So this story has 3 more chapters to go and then an epilogue I hope that you all enjoy what's to come.
Review :)