Chapter Three—The Condom Lady
"Edward, please?" I begged that night, "Can't you just go down to the office, and pull your usual dazzle thing, and get us out of Sex Ed? Please? Isn't there something you could do to get us out of that class?"
Edward chuckled, looking into my eyes. "It's a required course, love", he smirked. I groaned.
"Can't you at least get us switched to a different section, its murder taking the class with Emmett! Ugh"
"I resent that" came Emmett's voice from his room, followed by Rosalie's admonition, "Shut up, Em!"
"I agree with you there, and you didn't hear what he was thinking." Said Edward ignoring Emmett and Rosalie's little interruption, though I knew he heard much more than what they had said.
Two hours after dawn Renesmee's alarm clock sounded. I growled at it. "Stupid alarm clock" Edward laughed at my reaction. Then we heard Renesmee groan, and shuffle out of bed to turn off her alarm. We pulled ourselves apart, and went to dress for another day at school.
I went through the many garment bags in our closet, pausing at one that held a strong smell of denim. Alice, having decided that my outfit-creating skills were too sadly lacking for me to be allowed to continue, had coordinated all my clothes into separate outfits, which she had placed in garment bags hung up and down the rows of my closet. As per my compromise with Alice on the clothes front at that point. I would wear her outfits and her idea of appropriate clothing in public, and on special occasions. At all other times, I was to be allowed to choose my own apparel. Alice agreed, considering the fact that she was buying all of my clothes anyway. It was a very one-sided compromise, but I was lucky to get anything out of Alice compromise-wise.
Edward wore my favorite shirt of his—a thin, ivory T-shirt that showed off his incredible muscles. Of course, that shirt always made me think about what was underneath it, and that wasn't exactly helpful when I was trying to pay attention in class. Fortunately, my vampire mind had enough space for me to contemplate Edward's perfect pectorals, with one part of my mind, and still have enough attention for the teacher to take notes in class. Not that I really needed them what with perfect recall, and all.
As I was zipping my backpack, and gathering the small shreds of black silk off the floor, and sweeping them into the waste basket, I heard Nessie's alarm clock go off again. So she thought she'd set it to snooze, did she?
"Renesme Carlie Cullen, You have fifteen minutes, to get up, get dressed, and get ready for school!" I called to her.
"Shit," came her voice, muffled through the walls.
"Fifteen minutes," I repeated loudly.
"Yes, mom" replied Renesmee. I could just hear her eyes rolling as she said it.
She looked absolutely miserable as we walked into Sex Ed that day. The poor girl had to have sex education with her parents. Her parents that had a king-sized bed that they used every night, but never slept in, and her boyfriend. That had to be awkward.
"Today, we have a guest speaker!" announced Mr. Lawrence, as soon as the class had quieted, five minutes after he bell had rung. She was rather old; probably about 60ish and she had short, close-cropped grey hair. I assumed we were in for a boring speech about "being safe" and "respecting our bodies" or something.
"I'm Ms. Seinbauer, but you can call me The Condom Lady. I work at the pregnancy help center downtown. I'm here to talk to you all about birth control!" announced the visiting speaker.
I blinked, not sure if my acute vampire senses were functioning properly. Surely this was some kind of trick, or odd joke. What sane person would introduce herself as "The Condom Lady"? I looked at Edward eyebrows wrinkled in curiosity, thinking "Is she for real?" Edward, not needing me to remove my shield to understand this question in my glance, nodded in a bemused affirmative.
"Condoms, are the most common form of birth control. They come in many varieties," began The Condom Lady, using the tiny remote control Mr. Lawrence handed her to change the PowerPoint presentation from black screen to a very disturbing cartoon condom with a smiling face.
"Hey, you guys should pay attention," hissed Emmett too loud, nudging me in the ribs. I would have blushed if I were still human. As it was, I leaned into Edward, since apparently, without my blushes, my body needed some reaction to embarrassment, and glared at Emmett.
Emmett's stage whisper managed to reach the ears of every single human in the class. They were all staring at me and Edward. I looked down, allowing my hair to spill over my face, and cover it up.
"Is there a story here that you would like to share with the class?" asked The Condom Lady, smiling eagerly. Too eagerly for my taste.
"We can always benefit from the experiences of others". I was going to kill Emmett, the moment we got away from all the humans.
"Well, Mr. Masen, Miss. Cullen?" prompted Mr. Lawrence.
"I have no idea what Emmett is talking about, Mr. Lawrence, I suggest you ask him," replied Edward coolly, glaring at Emmett. Emmett grinned saucily at Edward for the briefest moment, then turned to Mr. Lawrence, his face the picture of innocence. Mr. Lawrence turned back to The Condom Lady.
"Well, Ms. Seinbauer, shall we continue?"
The Condom Lady proceeded to go over various types of birth control. The look on Emmett's face told me I was going to hear more about this later. I sighed and put my head on the desk, trying to think of happy thoughts. Edward stroked my hair. Carefully, slowly, so Edward wouldn't go crazy, I removed my shield from my brain.
Edward. I thought, just to say his name. I felt him stiffen for a moment. Calm down I thought. He relaxed, and his wonderful fingers resumed their trailing through my hair. I feel the smug grin on his face in his still trailing fingers, as he heard my satisfaction with his hair-caressing prowess.
Is Emmett going to pull anything like that again? Edward sighed, and I knew Emmett must be planning something. I felt a tap on my right shoulder. That meant yes. Is Nessie doing alright? The poor girl was already embarrassed at having to take Sex Ed with her parents, let alone hear comments about how she wouldn't have been born if we had known to use birth control.
"She'll be alright," Edward mumbled low enough that only I could hear. I managed to keep my shield out of my brain, and still just think normally. Edward continued the rhythmic stroking of my hair, and I could just feel how happy it made him to hear my thoughts.
"You have no idea," he whispered. Shhh—what if they heard you? Edward scoffed, but stopped answering my thoughts verbally for the rest of the miserable class period.
"So, what do they think of us so far?" asked Emmett at lunch, toying with an apple as if it were a baseball, passing it from hand to hand. Edward rolled his eyes before answering.
"The usual, reclusive, mysterious, absolutely gorgeous." Here his eyes raked over my body, hungrily. I looked down for a moment, embarrassed, "and now lots of them are wondering precisely how close we all are in our relationships, thank you so much Emmett". Edward's voice was beautifully menacing.
From the whispers the humans thought I couldn't hear following us down the halls, I was willing to bet all of the money hidden our closet (and that was more than enough to give a happy meal a day to all the children in Michigan for a year) that the things the students were thinking ran along much ruder lines than "reclusive, mysterious, absolutely gorgeous". They probably thought we were incestuous snobs who had no time for anyone who wasn't living in the Cullen home.
The "Hale Twins" were known as the most aloof, they were being pointed out as "stuck up" in the hallways. It was my private opinion that Rosalie contributed most to their snobbish reputation. The "other" twins, the "Masen twins" were not quite a set like the other two. Edward stuck to "the brunette girl" (me) like glue, and Renesmee seemed magnetically drawn to "that Indian dude". Renesmee was known to have a weird name. (I scowled whenever this comment reached my hearing) She was also known to be friendly, and approachable. Edward was known to be polite, but cold, and strange, and didn't appear to care about anybody but me, and Renesmee.
The Cullens were held to be universally nice, but kind of odd, and wholly intimidating, especially on Emmett's part. Fortunately, with so many "older brothers" no pitiful high school boy had yet approached me or my daughter. Not that Edward or Jacob would have given them the chance if they had tried.
The background of my mind contemplated the students' attitude towards us, while the rest of it was focused on preparing myself to stop Edward from knocking Emmett through a wall and exposing us.
"Sorry, bro. Still, better have they know we're close than have them trying to steal our women, eh?"
I sighed, expecting Edward to have a ready remark to throw at Emmett, since his posture did not seem to threaten bodily harm, yet. But he said nothing. Nor did Emmett, He looked startled, and whipped his head around to stare at Alice.
I turned my head sideways to look at Edward first, to make sure he was okay. He was looking slightly shocked, and obviously tuned into someone's mind. I whipped my head the other way to look at Alice, who was having a vision. Oh.
Alice blinked, shook her head, and looked at Edward, quizzically. Was she asking him if she should tell us the truth? What was it? I was getting frustrated with the silent conversation. Edward shook his head slightly, and then nodded.
"What is it?" I asked, looking first at Edward, then Alice, fighting to keep myself from turning my head too fast.
"Incoming" said Alice "thirty seconds. Three of them. They want to talk to Nessie,"
"You can say 'Yes' if you like, just be careful." said Edward. From which I gathered "they" were female students, because if a male student asked Renesmee anything at all, and she said 'yes', he would be nothing less than enraged. Largely due to what said male students were thinking.
"what—", began Rosalie, just as Jasper asked "Who?" Then we heard them approaching, their footsteps growing closer, their loud little heartbeats pounding closer, wet and rushing with sweet, forbidden blood. We all felt the thirst flare up, and sear our throats. All except Jacob, of course. It was three girls. They were all seniors, and they were of the cool, collected, student council type. The kind that always wear clothes that Alice approves of. They were always almost as sophisticated and suave as we were, only they were human, so considerably more effort must have gone into their appearance. We simply had to pull on whatever clothes Alice had stocked our closets with , and we were ready to go.
"Hi!" smiled the first girl, in a friendly voice. Everything about her said friendly. From the friendly white-with pink polka dot skirt and sky blue t-shirt she wore, to her blue and pink polka dot slip-on sneakers. Everything about her sent this friendly vibe. Perhaps it was cultivated. I thought all of this in the split second between the first girl's "hi" and Renesmee's rather awkward, "hello" of a reply.
"We're from the Student Council Welcoming Committee," smiled the second girl in head-to-toe pink. Somehow, it suited her instead of making her look scary. No one replied to this statement. I suppose they were trying to avoid the Humans for their own good. I smiled a little, without showing my teeth, to reassure them. They seemed nervous, and I didn't want to scare the poor girls away. They were, after all, just doing their job.
"So, welcome to ASHS, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask any of us. I'm also in charge of the Homecoming Committee, so If any of you would like to help paint the homecoming banner this year, let us know," Continued the third girl. Alice nodded to Renesmee, who swallowed once, then replied.
"I might be interested," replied Renesmee.
"That's great! I'm Carla, by the way. Our first meeting will be in a week, so just come to Mr. C's room—242, that's right down the hall from the front office."
"Thanks, I'm Renesmee," replied my daughter. Hearing this caused a guilty expression to cross the other two student council girls' faces.
"Oh, I'm Amy," said the Polka-dot girl.
"And I'm Bridget," added the pink girl. I supposed that meant we had to introduce ourselves. Edward acted as our spokesperson, as always. He knew what we all wanted him to say anyway. Even me, if I let him in.
"I'm Renesmee's brother, Edward Masen. This" Edward indicated me by wrapping an arm around me, and drawing me to his chest, nearly pulling me off of my plastic cafeteria chair, "is Bella Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper and Rosalie Hale, Emmett Cullen, and Jacob Black". He indicated each of the others with a wave of the hand that was not wrapped around me.
"Nice to meet you," said Amy.
"So do you all know each other from before you came here, or are you just sitting together because you're all new?" asked Carla. Ah. Apparently these three had somehow managed to miss the gossip about how the Cullens were all some kind of weird commune family that was big on plastic surgery. Big scandal time. I grinned to myself, knowing what Edward was going to be saying next.
"We were all taken in by Dr. and Mrs. Cullen," replied Edward.
"Wow, so how come you have different last names?" asked Carla, by far the most loquacious of the three girls. She seemed to be trying to ask friendly questions about us, maybe to make us feel more comfortable. Whatever her purpose, Edward deemed it advisable to furnish at least part of the details of our elaborate cover story.
"Bella, Alice, and Emmett were formally adopted, Rosalie, Jasper, and Jacob are foster children, and Renesmee and I were formally adopted but chose to keep our given name," replied Edward.
"Wow. It must be tough to have such a big family," replied Carla, "I know I have two younger brothers, and sometimes I think that's too many"
"We all get along fairly well"
At that moment, the bell beeped, and we all rose and separated to head to our individual classes, dumping our uneaten food in the garbage can on our way, as we slipped smoothly out of the cafeteria.