David parks the car, while she takes a sleeping Lulu in her arms, and sees both men enter their house dejectedly. She didn't think it was possible to feel guiltier than she already did, she was wrong. She closes the front door behind her and everything hits her all at the same time. Rachel was gone, she told the Berry's she was leaving, she and her daughter would be homeless, she made the one person that never let her down go, she let the people who took her in watch their only daughter leave and it was all her fault.
She loses the battle against stopping the sob from escaping her fragile body, it was followed by tears running down her face. She tightens her grip on her girl, Lulu was the only thing she had now. She never saw David make his way to where she stood unmoving. "Let me get Lulu to bed, and we can all talk ok?" He never waits for her reply and instead gently takes the sleeping girl from her arms and walks towards the sleeping mat in the corner of the living room.
'Oh God, I made her leave, what have I done?' she thought.
"No you didn't, you just helped her make that choice." she turns around and watches David hurry to her side, she had said it out loud.
The broken heart that Rachel and her dads helped put back together, started breaking all over again. And as David pulls her into a warm fatherly embrace, she knew that putting her heart back together would take time. She had disappointed them, she did this. Just when she thought she was on the right track, and worthy of calling the Berry's house home, she tells Rachel to leave and she bears witness to the aftermath.
"Oh sweetie it's not your fault," David rubs circles on her back, In Quinn's mind she thought she didn't deserve the comfort he offered. She had told his daughter that she couldn't love her back, that she couldn't love her that way, and that made her leave. "Aaron, a little help here?" He directs at his husband, all the while leading a broken Quinn Fabray to the couch. Once seated, David pulls away only to have Quinn's arms wrap tighter around him, "I'm not letting go ok, it's ok, I'm not letting you go."
"I'm so sorry, so so sorry. She probably think I don't love her, I made her leave. I did this. I don't deserve to be here." she whispers against his damp shirt, damp because of all the tears she shed.
David pulls away a bit forcefully this time, and tilts Quinn's chin up so their eyes met. "Quinn, regardless of what you girls talked about. Rachel was bound to leave Lima one way or another. Her departure just got bumped up a few months. In a way I can understand why you did what you did, and it's because you love her right? . I tried telling her that, she just doesn't understand why you think she doesn't deserve you." She tries to speak, but the only sound she could make were whimpers, "I know you love my daughter, and that she loves you, You just need to find out what you want ok? you need to believe in that love ok?." She feels another pair of arms encircle both of them.
"Quinn, I know that telling Rachel to go was hard for you", stated Aaron, she didn't have to look at them to know that the Berry's were looking at each other. "Since you started living with us, I saw how your relationship with Rachel evolved from barely speaking to a loving co-existence. David and I made bets on when you girls would fall in love, not that you were subtle about the longing looks and gentle touches anyway."
The arms around her fall away leaving her feeling so empty and alone. Until Aaron makes her look at him as he spoke.
"We watched both of you dote on Lulu, and take care of her the same way David and I did with Rachel, and I was so happy. I knew my little girl was going to be a great mother. Seeing it happen right in front of me blew me away. In my mind I imagined you calling me Dad too." She starts crying again, and Aaron gently wipes her tears away, he was always so different from Rachel and David who was so open and loving except with Lulu, this was a new side to him she never saw before it made her feel so loved and accepted, she felt so unworthy.
'I don't deserve this? I don't deserve these wonderful people in my life?' she thinks to herself, knowing she was about to lose them.
"Now about being out of our hair." Aaron repeating the words she spoke in the car, made the pieces of her broken heart plummeth into a bottomless abyss, "I just watched our daughter get on a plane and leave for New York." She looks away from him and keeps her eyes trained on Lulu's toys strewn across the living room wondering how and where she was going to put all of it, "If you think that I'll let *our other* daughter leave with *our* granddaughter, *you* are definitely mistaken."
She turns her head so fast, she almost had whiplash, "Daugh-" she tries to ask, but can't bring herself to finish the question.
"Oh sweetie, we already consider you our daughter, and Lulu our grandbaby. Regardless of what happened, or what you both decide it does not change the fact that we love you both, equally. And because we love you, we refuse to let you leave. You and Lulu are staying right here, well until we need to decide on college of course." Aaron says with a smile.
Unable to stop herslef she flung herself at Aaron and held on for dear life mumbling, "Thank you, thank you." over and over again. It takes her a few minutes to calm down. Quinn is amazed at how she feels so safe and loved in either Aaron or David's arms safer than being held in her father and mother's embrace. She thinks it's because the Berry's just wanted her to be her and not some factory manufactured daughter that conformed to their every whim, Rachel was a perfect example of that.
They stayed that way for awhile, and David joked he was feeling left out, that the hug they shared turned into a Quinn Fabray sandwich with her in between. She wasn't sure how long the hug-fest was going on, so lost in the feeling of family that enveloped her that she almost didn't see how adorable her little girl looked rubbing sleep off her eyes sitting on her sleeping mat on the floor.
Aaron pulls away, stands and walks over to Lulu exclaiming, "It's my favorite little princess!" once Lulu sees him smiles she raises her hands up saying, "Up!" Aaron just laughs kneels infront of her and proceeds to tickle her, she and David share a knowing smile as Lulu feebly bats at Aaron's hand that was laughing heartily as she did so.
"Gamps silly." says Lulu, looking at Aaron as she holds a finger each in her hands, trying to make him stop.
"Well yes, there is that. But only for my favorite pretty little princess." he mock whispers to the little girl beaming at him.
"Yay!" Lulu exclaims, "Gamps up peas." she asks.
Aaron stands up and lifts Lulu up, "Let's go over to Zayde and Momma!" he tells her, and Lulu just nods her head with a smile.
They reach the sofa, and Aaron places the little girl in her mother's arms. In the middle of the Berry living room was a Fabray sandwich, but it doesn't take long until the grown ups were tickling the little girl in Quinn's lap.
"Nooooo Zayzay! No tickles!" Lulu shouts, "Gamps Noooo, No." But they don't stop and just laugh in delight at the giggles escaping the little girl. Quinn who had her arms around her daughter so that she wouldn't escape felt a pinch in her heart, and a wave of sadness envelopes her. "Momma No tickles!" begs her daughter, she was about to reply but apparently took to long since everyone was now looking at her, Lulu was turned to her with a frown on her face.
"What's wrong baby?" Quinn asks.
"Momma sad?" was all Lulu said. Quinn feels a small damp hand on her cheek, she didn't know she had started crying again.
Aaron clears his throat and looks at his husband then stands up, "Sweetheart I need help with something in the kitchen." Both men give mother and daughter some privacy. Subtelty does not run in the Berry family at all.
"Momma's fine baby." great she thinks to herself lie to your impressionable daughter.
Lulu then puts her hands on her hip, in a perfect 'I don't believe you and I will glare until you tell the truth Rachel Berry Glare' (Patent Pending). Her eyebrows lift and she tries to stop the smile trying to break free. Lulu frowns at her and pouts. And she let's the smile blossom on her face, her daughter was just too cute for words.
"Momma sad." was uttered by her little girl, and feels contrite. 'great my own daughter can see right through me'.
"Momma just misses Rach that's all" might as well tell her the sad unvarnished truth.
"Lulu miss H. Hug Momma, no sad." tiny arms wrap around her neck. She then wraps her arms around her little girl.
"Thank you baby, Momma feels better everytime Lulu hugs her." her daughter pulls away and gives her a dazzling smile, so alike to Rachel's she often wishes Lulu was their's. "And because Lulu's hugs are awesome, Momma's gonna pay you back with Kisses." She kissed her daughter, on her nose, her cheeks her lips, her chin, she pulls Lulu up and proceeds to give the little tummy infront of her a loud raspberry. Lulu's laughter fills the Berry house, and she feels her sadness ebb away. She places the little girl beside her and they cuddle. It was moment's like this that made her happy she decided to keep her baby, she couldn't imagine not having Lulu in her life. And somehow it made things a little bit better.
-
Since that day like clockwork, at 6:30pm Rachel would call and talk with her dads, and Lulu. On friday's they'd have marathon Skype conversations, she'd smile just a little at hearing her daughter sqeal and laugh at whatever Rachel was doing or whenever Lulu would try and sing their favorite nursery rhyme stumbling over the all the words except star. She knew Rachel asked her dads about her, and once she saw David look at her silently asking her if she wanted to talk to Rachel, but she felt too raw and just shook her head and left the room. She just couldn't bring herself to talk to Rachel, let alone watch her on screen, so far away.
There were days that Lulu would stubbornly refuse to go to sleep unless she hears Rachel tell her a bedtime story screaming "H story" at the top of her lungs until she gives in. And she'd pull out her cell dial Rachel's number and give her little girl the phone. She'd watch as her daughter ask Rachel for a bedtime story, and see her nod, in response to Rachel's questions. She'd feel her heart melt at how engrossed Lulu seemed to be with whatever story Rachel was telling her, and smile gently as Lulu succumbs to sleep. Gently removing the phone from Lulu's hands she'd place it against her ear. This was her guilty pleasure, this was the only time she could speak to Rachel. And like all the other times before, when they still shared a room or the first time Lulu demanded a betime story from her H. She whispers "Goodnight Rachel", and she hears a "Goodnight Quinn" before the call disconnects.
She knows it doesn't make sense, that the only time she could talk to Rachel was to whisper a goodnight. But for her it was the only thing she could say to the other girl, without crying her heart out and begging for forgiveness, for a chance, for her to come back. She didn't want to be the selfish bitch she used to be, that was her past. She outgrew that Quinn Fabray. But she needed to do this, for them even if it meant not talking to Rachel for the forceable future.
-
Her life since Rachel left was just too downright depressing.
On the first week of LWRB (or Life Without Rachel Berry as she dubbed her current life), she walkled down the halls of home and school with a smile, a smile that never reached her eyes. She tried very hard to pretend she was ok, until Friday rolled around, and she realized it was Rachel's pick for a movie. She ended up crying in Aaron's arms, as David tried to make a bawling Lulu stop crying since Quinn was crying. It was a night of tears, tissues and sniffling. It was also the first night she slept in one of the Berry's arms that didn't belong to Rachel.
On the second week of LWRB, she was a mess. She found herself crying over everything, it was honestly worse than when she was pregnant. A song that they liked to sing to Lulu, A piece Rachel wanted to be part of Glee's repertoire, A teacher calling Rachel's name only to take it back since she was no longer there. Rachel's favorite ice cream flavor, her favorite movie, her favorite show. Quinn has taken to wearing some of Rachel's clothes that was left behind. The gleeks, especially Kurt and Santana was mortified and amused with that latest development.
On the third week of LWRB, Quinn started wearing sun glasses to school, not to look cool but for necessity. She had circles underneath her eyes, Lulu has been getting increasingly difficul, almost always begging Rachel to come home in each phone call. "H home peas." she'd say with a small quivering voice, Quinn would never hear what Rachel says, but she'd see her little girl nod, look at her then say "love H.", then Lulu would walk or crawl to where she was and just cling to her, softly crying, and once her baby girl was asleep, she'd cry too.
On the fourth week of LWRB, Quinn finds herself always with one gleek or another, they seemed to have made a team decision no to leave her alone. Even if it were a weekend, they'd have wii, ps3 and rockband days (Artie), spa days (Kurt), silly kiddie days (Brittany and a reluctant Santana)
, shopping and diva days (Tina and Mercedes), action packed movie days with a lot of maiming, killing, blood and gore days, it only ever changed when Brittany wanted to watch a cartoon or comedy (Santana and Brittany), Driving around without a destination days (Puck and Lulu), Pop and Lock days (Mike and Matt, unsuccesfully teaching her to do hip-hop) and even a day when all of them are together just being kids playing with Lulu. It takes her mind off of things for a little while, until she thinks of how Rachel would have had fun with them and she goes back to being gloomy.
On the fifth week of LWRB, Quinn breaksdown after dropping off Lulu at Puck's, Puck takes her in his arms, she tells him how much she misses Rachel, and that she loves her and that she just doesn't know what to do. Puck surprises her with what he says: "Look Quinn, I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened, We all kinda knew you were both you know, into each other. But have you really thought this through? I mean yeah ok, you want her to reach her dreams, so what happens to you? are you like going to wait for her to come back? what if she doesn't." when she just cries harder he continues on, "For a time I thought we'd have our chance you know, and i gave that up, and after seeing how you are with Rachel, and how you just glow when you're with her, I know I could never ever compete with that, no one can. So I hope you know whatever it is that you're doing, coz I don't want to see either of you hurt, more than now that is." It was at that moment that she realized, that Puck maybe an asshole sometimes, but he made a great friend and father.
On the sixth week of LWRB, after bringing Lulu to daycare and making her way to School, instead of class she heads straight to Ms. Pillsbury. She cries her heart of for two hours, while the guidance councilor just rubbed circles on her back. After cleaning herself up, Ms. Pillsbury tells her, "Have you ever thought that maybe going after your dreams deserve merit too? I know you said that you weren't worth it. But Rachel seems to think so. And we both know that Rachel will work on it until she gets it. I'm not saying that you made a mistake, but you never stopped and asked what Rachel wanted. What if she falls in love with someone else? How will you cope with that?" She glares at the guidance councilor who's eyes grow impossibly large. "Quinn, I'm just trying to make you see the other side of things here. I'm pretty sure that Rachel is as miserable as you feel, and the only one who can stop it is you. You need to figure out if this sacrifice is worth losing the one thing you want. You need to let go of the belief that you don't deserve to be happy, and that everyone else has forgiven you, maybe you should start forgiving yourself too."
On the seventh week of LWRB, Finn pulls her aside after Glee practice to tell her that he was very worried about her, and that if she ever needed to talk, about anything at all he could listen. She knew without a doubt that she looked as miserable as she felt. When Mr. Schue shows up at the Berry's asking how she was holding up, she knew she was way in over her head for thinking she was strong enought to pull this off.
On the eighth week of LWRB, She had cried herself to sleep once she was alone, Brittany had come over as if magically knowing that Lulu was crying after a short conversation with Lulu was spending the weekend with her "Dada" and "Grama" she had asked if Brittany wanted to hang out the day after before she left. In the bed she had shared with Rachel, she listened to the voicemail the brunette left for her over and over again, until she succumbed to sleep.