Hobbiton Disappearances and Arrests! – One Ring Found?
Reuters: A hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins pulled a trick today which is hard to do for even the most scholastic wizards! He disappeared in thin air whilst drinking the special smial punch and celebrating his 111th birthday, at first the target of our suspicions was Gandalf – a so-called wizard most renowned for leading bunch of riffraff in a "Make Halfling Leaf Legal" rally, but further inspection proved otherwise. Residents at the party blame the drinks, and claimed the liquor content was too high. "Me dad disappeared on me mum!" One claimed, "this was before I was born and she said too much leaf and liquor made 'im disappear in thin air!" There has also been reports about a recent complaint at the hobbiton sheriff about Bilbo who has been blamed for living in borrowed property for more than a hundred years, could this be a publicity stunt aimed at getting people's mind off his recent misdemeanour? The office of sheriff stated how this has been an occasional occurrence in these parts, especially amongst hobbits. You can learn all there is to know in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you – Gandalf expressed his unease at the statement and went on to debate how Bilbo is an upright, standing hobbit in these parts at which the sheriff's office blamed him for harbouring an indecent relationship with the patron at which our resident huffed, puffed and walked away. However no responsibility has been claimed so far for the mysterious firecracker explosion that destroyed half of Hobbtion Sheriff Department in the night that followed. Concerns are now voiced in all of Hobbtion as Gandalf is now openly referred to as not only a 'so-called' wizard, but also a troublemaker;
In the neighbour-side, Bree county has arrested 9 mysterious hoodies who rode on black steeds and trampled all that was in there path. We interviewed Guard Captain Erkenbrand who said this was the primary reason why he has been fighting for five years to pass the hoodie ban. "A real man don't hide behind bedsheets", he claimed; "To put on bedsheets only shows you are not a (free-peoples) citizen!" He was later taken to a corner and explained the riders had hoodies on and not bedsheets, he failed to understand and refused to comment further. One of our reporters has been posted at the outside of his property, and would interview him when he's back and can understand. Once again fingers are being pointed at the ETC or Elven Transport Council that had failed to administer its rules properly in the Eriador region. The sheriff's department said they had yet to get a statement from the arrested hoodies and are now merely waiting for the court to order proper conviction, or bail to be made by a bondsman on their behalf.
In other news, a small hobbit now claims to be Bilbo's nephew and says to possess the one ring, eagerly making his way to Bree with three other hobbits of which two are renowned thieves, and one is not known at all.