Rumble in the Jungle
Mirkwood, Silvan Elves - Reuters: From our Mirkwood station, it's been reported the Fellowship had finally crossed into the Silvan Elves territory. Right after crossing the border, we informed the fellowship to be on their guard for there exist a witch of the wilds in these forests to which Gimli responded, and we quote "she can kiss my rocky dwarven arse!" Moments later they were held at blade-point and allowed entrance into Mirkwood. All but Aragorn, given his reputation with the local wildlife and elven damsels, our future highness was tied to a tree and left to fend for himself until the fellowship returns.
It wasn't long after when Galadriel aka witch of the wilds made her appearance and welcomed the fellowship, when told what fate befell Gandalf our Elves began to commemorate his love affair with the balrog, when questioned Legolas refused to comment on what they were saying fearing our censor standards and the Elves' like for descriptive explicit rapping. The unknown, fat hobbit stood up and did his own poem; "Halfling's or bust, he said – Help the fellowship I must, he led – Opened doors within Moria's dust, he did – Succumbed to a Balrog's lust, amen." We still have yet to learn his name. All this while, we discovered Gimli using his pick-up lines on Legolas who refused to respond – we understand this needs to be resolved before any final battle; we spoke to Legolas about taking care for 'a friend in need', he walked away once more. We have got in contact with one of our matchmakers who should join us in Gondor to resolve the Gimli-Legolas issue, as we sincerely care for the fate of the Middle-Earth since a horny dwarf is a scary dwarf.
Our little troublemaker Frodo was following Galadriel about, she insisted he take a look in the magic-water-flowing-mirror-that-shows-future, Frodo reluctantly agreed. We realized Galadriel didn't know the true extent of its power for she was clearly surprised when the mirror showed him her nude form. Our Mirkwood division was on the scene per usual and we have recorded accounts of how witch of the wilds truly is in the flesh. She refused to comment and ran away insisting she must gather her thoughts before commenting, during this ordeal she fell asleep on the floor, as is the norm with the witches since they mutter the most dastardly of spells when they are distraught. Realizing how he must win the true lust of his compatriot we watched Gimli as he began to shave her head – he now possesses a head-full of our lady's mane and plans on gifting it to Legolas to win his hand. We were chased out of Mirkwood soon after.
Of course in all this commotion we failed to see the real threat as Boromir took Frodo captive and insisted Middle Earth wife swap must be done in Gondor, we tried explaining how the ring-bearer should be released before any negotiation but he refused. We sent a runner down to Isengard who informed Saruman – soon an army of Uruk-Hai was despatched that marched for one reason alone; to salvage Middle-Earth wife swap and ensure it stays its course. Once more pandemonium broke out as everybody fought everybody else and Frodo in all this commotion decided he didn't want to play anymore so he walks away. The fat hobbit follows him, finally thinking this is his chance for renown. We have now learnt his name is made up of the acronym S.A.M. We have our codebreakers trying to find what these initials stand for however our resident expert suggests this is a publicity stunt on his part.
In other news Merry and Pippin are now taken as compensation for Boromir's insolence, Aragorn has vowed never to cross-breed again until he can rescue them, and Faramir's finally first in line for the stewardship of Gondor. Gondor refused to comment.