"Welcome Frodo Sanitarium"
Reuters: A few moments back we received reports about Frodo having nightmares, could this be the result of chickens coming home to roost? We were at the scene and our little trouble maker wasted no time to jump at the spotlight; "It began with the forging of great rings... ten were given to men..." We paused him and inquired if this was indeed what he dreamt, he finally told us the real story; "It was a dark, dark night... and suddenly I heard Gandalf screaming. The balrog was laughing... Gandalf tried to run but the Balrog ran it down, and they... they – Oh I don't have the words... they were doing things! And then they turned their attention at me as both of them started walking towards me, and they... they... Oh..." The fat hobbit with the acronym S.A.M interrupted, "go on mister Frodo, just let if off your chest." Frodo resumed, "they got hold of me and did unthinkable things to me! Tables, chairs, chains, masks, carrots and setting suns!" We realized he was distraught, so we called an end to that. But the real query remained; the hobbits were indeed lost. If that wasn't enough, we soon heard commotion as an old friend came to us pay a visit. Gollum aka Smeagol attacked our hobbits who finally overpowered him after dangling Bilbo's one hundred old sock in front of his face, and we quote – "This stinks – you've smelled it before!" Smeagol indeed had, so he finally gave up and began shouting; "release us, release us! Or give us pain! We likes it, we wants it! Pain, pain, hit us... throttle us... pummel us! Pain!"
They carried a bound Smeagol for several days and we followed because we smelled this turning into another story, and seriously there is not much else to cover in Middle-Earth. It was finally decided that Smeagol shall help them get into Mordor, to which he claimed he would do so only for a certain price. "We wants pain! More, more, more!" He shouted, after handing our habits a cat o'nine tails, Frodo without wasting a moment began cat-o-nine-tailing Gollum's behind and later shared with us, it was also a constituent of his dream, or rather what Gandalf and the Balrog did to him as well as to each other. We have decided to censor the rest of Frodo's dream as we are unable to verify it, and it goes against our censor standards. S.A.M of course dislikes the idea of our pain loving friend Gollum accompanying Frodo, as it steals his hard earned thunder and he wishes to establish a fan base once this is all over.
Upon reaching the Black Gate Gollum refused to go any further because of the heavy orc presence in the area. We were also able to spot an army of Easterlings standing at the ready – however further inspection showed it was Sauron's birthday and the entire Mordor was asked to come. There were also "Welcome to Mordor Frodo!" posters up, since this peaceful community was expecting the much famous ring-bearer sometime soon. If that wasn't enough, we also saw a hoodie flying atop a fell beast trying to look for Frodo so that they can invite for Sauron's birthday, it was very evident they had it all planned right to the note for none seemed amiss, we saw dancing orcs, fire breathing orcs, and sword swallowing orcs – We have realized Sauron, even in spirit, has style and will now be bringing you "Sauron Fashion Week" and "Cribs Special – Orcs" to you every week to shed more light over there fashionistic lifestyle.
We also tried to tell Frodo about these events but he refused to listen as he was afraid they'd make him dance in his knickers around a bonfire. We insisted no more as S.A.M's eyes brightened up at the idea.