The characters and some situations in the following story are the creative property of Stephenie Meyer!
Chapter 4
Coming Home
In late 1929, halfway through my final spring semester as a professor, we hunted not far from our home in Chicago after paying a visit to the old house. It was nearing our time to move again, start fresh in a new city, so we wanted to leave him an updated address.
We had spent the entire evening in silence as was usual after Edward's abandonment. I had missed my friend Carlisle immensely, and was only beginning to realize the ill feelings I had toward the boy for destroying my relationship with my father.
"We need to move on, Carlisle." I said forcefully after draining a deer completely of its blood. The lifeless corpse lay on the wet earth beside me.
"Yes, I know. We can no longer live grieving someone who cares not for us. Why should he? We changed him for our own selfish reasons. We should have known better than to bring someone into this life unwillingly."
"He would have died Carlisle. If he refuses to feel gratitude to us for saving his life then so be it, it's his loss. We did him a favor and if he refuses to see it as such then he does not deserve to be with us." I nearly spat the words. I was so angry with him for leaving. He had caused me incredible pain, and I continued to allow it to affect me. I no longer wanted to feel devastation.
And then he spoke.
"You're right, I don't."
Carlisle and I froze in unison. The velveteen voice came from somewhere within the woods, not far away but not exactly close either. He was keeping his distance. Good idea I thought. I was angry. Why had he chosen to come home now that I was resentful instead of just heartbroken? Why had he come home at all after so long?
I growled loudly. Hopefully he heard it. Carlisle shot me an angry look. Of course he would expect me to welcome the boy home with open arms after a decade of pain and emptiness.
"It's alright Carlisle, I deserve it. I come in peace, if you'll have me." He said gently. He sounded different than before, wiser. He was now around 28 years of age including his years as a human, almost 30. If he were still human he would easily be considered a grown man. I hoped he'd learned something in his time away, like how to be appreciative to those who are around to help.
"Show yourself!" I hissed.
I heard him before I saw him, his feet rustling in the leaves on the ground. He slowly stepped out of the tree line and into the small clearing where Carlisle and I sat, our meals still lying on the ground. Edward's eyes were bright orange-red. He had fed recently, though he had consumed the blood of animals for his last hunt. It was obvious from how much red colored his eyes that he had not been feeding on animals for long and in fact had been living on humans. This sickened me.
"I see you learned nothing from us and decided to slaughter innocent humans for your own satisfaction." I accused with acid in my voice. "Your eyes are red, though it looks as if lately you have tried to redeem yourself."
"Unfortunately, you're correct. I have been living off of the blood of humans since I left you a decade ago. Though in my defense my prey were more evil than you or I. Men who slaughtered, tortured, and terrified their own kind for amusement and arousal. Sociopaths, serials rapists, killers. Slowly I began to realize it was not my place to decide which humans should live and which should die. I began to feel the guilt you spoke of before Carlisle, the guilt I would feel from taking human lives. When I decided I would no longer spill the blood of humans I was drawn to rejoin my family. I wasn't sure how you would react to seeing me again. Please, I beg you, forgive me and allow me to be a part of your lives?" He stared directly into my eyes as he spoke.
Obviously Carlisle had already forgiven and forgotten, as was his way. Considering Edward could read his mind I'm sure he already knew he had our father's support. I'm sure Carlisle found the boy's god complex to be noble and redeeming. I, on the other hand, felt nothing but disgust and betrayal.
"I will support Carlisle in whatever he decides." My voice was cold as I said this. Before I finished my sentence I turned and began to walk back toward our house not far away. Yes, he could stay, but I would pay him no mind.
I could hear Carlisle whispering to Edward as I left. "She'll come around my boy, don't worry. I've known her for a very long time and I know that deep down she's very pleased with your return. We have both spent the last decade wallowing in our own pain over your leaving. I'm sure now that you've been a part of our world for some time, you must understand the pain that we felt after you left. Although we both knew from the beginning that there was a possibility you would not want to stay with us, we never thought you would reject us as easily as you did."
I paused momentarily to hear Edward's response.
"I know Carlisle. I realize there's not much I can do to make up for my mistakes. I learned to appreciate your lifestyle and how many innocent lives you have saved by abstaining from our natural prey. I would understand completely if Isa never forgave me for my callousness, but I hope that you may at least be able to accept me back into your family. I know I will be spending the rest of eternity atoning for the pain I caused you both."
His voice began to crack and audible sobs raked through his body.
"I'm so, so sorry Carlisle, and Isa if you're still listening. I was ungrateful and rude and I sincerely apologize. I love you both immensely and have missed you greatly during our time apart."
I could no longer hold my tongue. How dare he? I thought.
"How dare you say you love us" I spat. "You didn't even allow yourself to get to know us. You were a stranger to us when you left and you're a stranger to us now. Strangers hold no love for each other. I will tolerate your presence but do not expect me to be welcoming and loving as you obviously do."
"Please, Isa, I expect nothing. I hope that you may one day find it in your heart to forgive me, but I certainly do not expect you to do anything. Please come back so we can talk some?"
"No, I'm going home. You can speak to me there." With that I sped off toward our house.
I couldn't understand why I was so angered by Edward's return. Perhaps it was the feeling of abandonment I'd suffered through since the moment he left; the feeling of failure at not being able to successfully incorporate someone into our family; the pain of regret over changing someone who did not want it. I was aware that the entire situation was caused by my and Carlisle's actions, but I didn't care. The boy had every right to leave the way he did but that didn't matter. I never left Carlisle's side even though I was a perfectly happy and healthy adult with my entire life ahead of me when I was changed. I had better reason to abandon Carlisle than the boy but I stayed regardless.
My thoughts were seething as I reached the house and headed directly to my room. I heard Carlisle and Edward arrive not long after. They spoke in hushed voices in the living room. So quiet in fact, I had to press my ear to the door in order to make out their words.
Edward was still sobbing. It made me sad to know he was hurting as well, but mostly I was happy the tables had turned.
"I don't mean for her to hate me Carlisle. I don't know what's wrong with me but it hurts so much. I understand her anger but I'd hoped that by returning it would make up for at least some of the pain I've caused you both." More sobs tore through my brother's throat.
My face contorted into a mocking expression. He spoke as if he believed that by coming back it would just make everything better. I couldn't believe him, walking in and expecting everything to be okay. I understood Carlisle's quick acceptance, the impulse to keep him here, but at that moment I wanted him to leave.
"Isa does not hate you, my son. She's simply angry. Very angry, and resentful. She loved you, Edward, before you ever opened your eyes. She did not want me to change you at first. Between the two of us, at the time she was easily the more rational. She feared your reaction and was worried you would reject us. She gave in to my desires for a son and I believe she grew more attached to you than she had originally planned. So you can see your rejection was the realization of her worst fears. When she was human she had no strong ties to anyone but her parents. As an immortal she had only me. She was reluctant to let you in, but she opened herself to you regardless. Isa had never opened herself emotionally to anyone but myself. She never spoke of it but I know she viewed you as the friend she never had. She became protective of you immediately and it's possible that her feelings run deeper than I originally thought. Whether you were aware of it or not, your rejection solidified her belief that she's inadequate and undeserving of companionship in any form. As a human she was a woman in a professional role, something that is still rare but much more common than when she was alive. She never gained the respect of her peers although her work was considerably more accurate and objective than her male counterparts'. Her papers, which were regarded as simple female imaginings, are now being used in lectures in universities across the nation. Though she teaches her own work to students now, over a century later, she still views herself as inadequate, again a belief solidified by your abandonment. I'm not telling you this to increase your guilt but simply to help you understand."
Not another word was spoken by anyone in the house until the next morning. I spent the rest of the night hours preparing my lectures for the next day, as well as considering what I had overheard of the conversation in the living room.
Carlisle believed my anger came from a feeling of inadequacy. I wasn't sure if he was correct, but at least he had an explanation to consider. I had no idea how to begin to understand what I was feeling. All of these new, unfamiliar emotions were confusing to me. What I did know was that I was still upset, despite my confusion. Though, admittedly, Edward's remorse soothed the newly opened wounds.
He sobbed nearly the entire time Carlisle spoke. Perhaps he really did feel badly for abandoning us. Despite his actions, I could not deny that I wanted to get to know him now that he was a willing part of the family. Likewise I couldn't deny the anger and hurt I still felt from his rejection. The least I could do was apologize for the way I reacted the previous evening. Though I was angry, I certainly did not want to give him reason to abandon us a second time.
I left the confines of my room after dressing for the day. We kept up with the style of the times. If I were to walk around in the fashions of my day there's no doubt I would attract attention. It would be even more so for Carlisle. Women in the late 20's were aware and proud of their sexuality and abilities. They dressed very differently from women in the 1790's and 1800's. And though I kept up with the styles, I dressed far from what would be considered "fashionable".
When I entered the living room Edward was lying on the floor in the middle of the room. He sat up to look at me when I approached with saddened eyes. He looked truly tortured by guilt and sadness. There was something else there as well, perhaps longing.
"Good morning, Isa" he said cautiously. His voice was rough and hoarse, like he had been crying all night. It was possible he had.
"Good morning, Edward, I trust you're well." I said somewhat curtly. I left him no time to reply, "I leave for work in an hour so you'll be alone until I return. Until then, I wanted to apologize for how I acted yesterday." I sat down on the couch. As soon as he realized my intention he jumped from the floor and sat across from me.
"I don't blame you for feeling –"
"Please let me finish?" I interrupted, " I just want to say everything I need to before you respond. I was very rude last night and I'm sorry. Carlise was correct in his deduction that I'm very hurt and confused. I'm not even sure exactly what emotions I'm experiencing but I do know I'm very glad to see you are safe. Of course I could have assumed as much but I was worried nonetheless.
"That being said, I'm still hurt that you left to begin with. When my life ended I was in perfect health and a very good age. I was almost finished with the fieldwork for my original master's thesis. The night Carlisle bit me I had just happened upon a burial that seemed extremely important. I was so engrossed in my new find I didn't notice I was in danger. Despite it all when I first opened my eyes and gazed into the tortured, guilt stricken gaze of our father, I couldn't leave him. He didn't mean to condemn me to this life and I know he still hates himself for it. I've reassured him many times that I enjoy the life we have together and am grateful for what he did. I was truly happy and now have lived long enough to gain the respect and freedom of my male colleagues. But for the last decade none of that has mattered. Carlisle and I rarely speak nor do we ever do research or go to lectures. These are all things we used to do and hoped you would enjoy with us. After you left the thought of doing anything without you seemed wrong. I tried so hard to be your friend during your time with us but you never bothered to return the effort. You never loved us. So why have you come back now?" The longer I talked the easier the words came. As I finished I began to break down and cry.
Edward looked like he'd been hit by a train. His eyebrows furrowed, casting dark shadows over his oriole-orange eyes. Though it was hard to tell I'm sure I saw venom glistening in them from beneath the shadow. His perfect lips were turned into a frown and slightly puckered. He held his arms around his chest so tightly it looked like he would snap his own ribcage. It took him several moments to compose himself enough to respond to my question. When he did it was slow, deliberate, and barely more than a whisper.
"I have come back because I love you. You're my family and I can't do this without you. I've almost returned several times, but each time I decided I was not ready to control my thirst enough to be with you. I wanted to be sure I wouldn't slip once I returned. After spending the last month hunting animals I realized I needed you both more than ever in order to gain that control. I am completely ashamed of the time I was away and the things I did. I see every face of every person I've killed with perfect clarity and I can't make the images disappear. I should have listened when you warned me. I do not deserve your forgiveness but it's what I want more than almost anything in the world. I'm so sorry."
"I can see in your eyes that you are sorry but I'm afraid it's not enough. The important part is that you show me that you truly mean to be a part of this family. If you do I will forgive you in my own time. For now I must leave. I have class until early afternoon at which point I'll return." He stood when I did, always such the gentleman, to walk me out. When we reached the door of our home I placed my hand on his shoulder, then lifted it to smooth his fly away hair, a small smile touching my lips. I felt vibrations rush up my arm from my fingertips as I touched him.
"Don't worry, I'm beginning to forgive you already" I whispered quickly under my breath in hopes he would not hear. I then rushed from the house before he could respond.
Work that day was long and tedious. Though I enjoyed teaching I had more important things on my mind. My brother was home waiting for me to return. He'd smiled slightly when I referred to Carlisle as our father. I was beginning to believe he had come home for the right reasons. After my first class was over I decided that we would spend time together that night. I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about but I wanted to get to know him. Hopefully he wanted to spend time with me, too.
The minutes ticked by but eventually I made my way home. When I reached the driveway I noticed that hundred of small flowers created a pathway up the porch and through the front door. I made my way into the living room, the pedals lightly crunching under foot. The walls were completely covered in wildflowers from floor to ceiling. Every different color in the surrounding floral population lined the room. Every surface had flowers and candles huddled together to create the most wonderful effect.
Bright, soft light filled the fragrant air, thick with a hundred different perfumes all mixed in perfect harmony. A small present wrapped in the most beautiful paper lay on the floor at the end of the flower trail. It wasn't too large, about the size of a shoebox perhaps smaller, but the presentation was breathtaking.
"Edward?" I called out to the seemingly empty room.
"I'm here… will you open it?"
I wasn't sure what to think. I hadn't received many gifts in my time, and I wasn't sure I really liked getting them. My instincts screamed danger, I couldn't see him and if he planned to attack me he would have the upper hand. A very quiet, low growl rumbled in my chest as I grabbed the package quickly and began to unwrap the paper. I couldn't imagine what it could be, but when I finished and saw it I gasped.
"A music box? Oh, Edward, it's perfect." It was the most beautiful mahogany box with gold inlays of the sun and moon and clouds and stars. The tune it played was mesmerizing, like a tiny orchestra playing Claire de Lune from somewhere within this small space. It was the best gift anyone had ever given me. I continued to stare in awe at the intricately carved symbols on the small box. A sign of his dedication to his family, much like the heavens in its eternity.
"If you don't like it you can say, I'll try not to be too offended." His tone sounded sad, though I still could not see him.
"I said it was perfect, did I not? It's beautiful, I love it."
He appeared in front of me suddenly with a smile on his face.
"Good… I just wanted to make sure you liked it. As you said before, I don't really know you well but I'd like to change that. Would you want to go somewhere to talk?"
"I would like to stay here, what you did with the living room is fantastic. Would that be okay?"
"Absolutely!" He sat down on the couch and motioned for me to sit as well. My eyes were still examining every detail of the gift he gave me as I plopped down next to him. I made it play over and over, savoring each twinkling note. No one had ever given me anything like this. Sure, Carlisle gave me things but nothing so thoughtful.
It suddenly occurred to me that the symbolism may have been lost to him, and the seemingly meaningful gift was simply an attempt to coax me into friendship. I wanted to believe he saw the symbolism, but I couldn't help my residual anger.
"I was hoping you'd take the symbolism as a promise…I'll never leave you again."
"I thought you couldn't read my mind?" I joked. He looked confused for a moment so I clarified. "I was just thinking about the symbolism and whether or not it was intentional."
He laughed and smiled warmly. He seemed pleased at the synchronization of our thoughts.
All joking aside what he said affected me so deeply that if I could have cried, I would have. Although he didn't know me he somehow found something that was exactly my taste and turned it into a meaningful symbol. He had my curiosity piqued. Though he was admittedly much older than the last time I'd seen him, he was much wiser than I expected him to be, certainly more than during his newborn year.
"So, will you tell me about yourself?" I changed the subject.
"What would you like to know?" His mouth turned up in a crooked smile that made his eyes light up. He'd never smiled much before, it was pleasant to see.
"I don't know, what are your interests?"
He laughed without humor. "I'm not sure anymore. For the last year I wasn't able to do much besides hide during the day and hunt at night."
I breathed in deeply to savor the natural floral perfume that saturated the air.
"Well, do you remember your human interests? Carlisle said you wanted to be a soldier."
"Ah, yes, more than anything. I was young and foolish then" he replied, his voice thick with meaning. "I am a lover of music. For the last decade I have had books and music as company. If I had a piano I would enjoy playing that. What about you?"
"Well, of course archaeology is my passion but music is also. That's why this gift is absolutely perfect." I held the box up in my hands and smiled widely.
"I'm glad you like it. Have you opened it? It's also a jewelry box. I wasn't sure if you had much jewelry already so I got some to fill it. They're inside." He beamed at me. "Do you wear jewelry usually?"
I opened the box and was blown away by what I saw. Several necklaces and bracelets, rings and hairpins were jumbled together. Rare stones and ancient designs made up the small collection. "Where did you find these?" I asked breathlessly.
"I got them from various places. I don't want to tell you too much, it's supposed to be a secret." He said.
"Well, they're beautiful! I usually don't wear jewelry to answer your question, but it's never too late to start I suppose." I smiled at him. "I didn't think I could appreciate something like this so much." I picked up one of the necklaces. It was made of naturally shaped jade beads, every few of which had designs of the Maya carved into them. "Surely these are not actual artifacts?" I asked with a disapproving tone.
"No, but they're the best replicas money can buy." He said with a smile. "Don't worry, I knew better than to give looted artifacts to an archaeologist." He laughed. "I got these upon my return from Brazil as I was passing through Central America. I stopped in various places collecting eclectic ancient jewelry for you. I'd hoped you would give me the opportunity to give it to you one day."
"Thank you, Edward." I gazed into his intensely and unnaturally colored eyes. I could tell he truly wanted to be a part of the family and had for some time. I could no longer deny the fact that I was ecstatic at this realization.
I stood and moved to sit next to him on his couch. When I sat I reached over to squeeze his hand. His face beamed as I leaned in to embrace him.
"I'm so glad you're okay" I choked, hugging him tighter when he began to sob.
"I'm so sorry I left, I regret it so much I can't explain it. I should have stayed. Maybe then I would pure and true, like you. Instead I'm a monster who kills innocent people for no reason. I do not think I deserve to even be near you or Carlisle, especially not loved by you."
"Edward, despite how much you have grown since you were here with us, you are still young. You needed that time away to discover yourself. It's something that would have needed to happen even if you remained human. Your time at war would have molded you into the man you were meant to be. Though fate took that chance from you it still needed to happen somehow. This lifestyle will have meaning for you now that it is your decision."
"That's easy for you to say, you've never killed anyone." His face distorted in pain and shame. "I'm a monster Isa. Compared to me you look like a saint."
He really did regret his decision to leave, and surprisingly I was suddenly very grateful for his time away. Though he spent his time killing people who would otherwise be wreaking havoc on their fellow humans, he still viewed himself as a monster. He could have potentially saved hundreds of lives by his actions, but he didn't see that. To him he'd spent the last ten years killing people who had no chance of defending themselves. He was a good person and had become even better during his time away.
"You say that now but I believe as time passes you'll see that your actions ultimately serve the greater good. Your remorse is proof that you are no monster. Others of our kind kill for pleasure without a second thought, and sometimes for sport rather than need. You are here, drowning in guilt when in fact in the process you inadvertently saved anyone who may have fallen victim to your prey. You potentially saved hundreds by killing the scourge of the population. If you have to do something as gruesome as killing people to survive, you may as well make the world a little safer in the process. Obviously I don't expect you to accept that now, but maybe one day you'll appreciate it for what it is."
"I don't understand how you and Carlisle can accept my actions so easily." He responded, still looking tortured and completely disgusted by himself. "I'm grateful that you're so forgiving, but I don't understand it."
"It was not easy! Not for me, at least. Carlisle was probably proud of you as soon as you told us of what you'd been doing during your time away. I, on the other hand, was disgusted. I saw what you did as being no better than killing randomly. I very much did not want you to stay last night, but now I know that if you left again I would be devastated." I said matter-of-factly. "After the initial shock and anger of your return faded, I realized how much good you'd actually done even if it seemed evil. Things are usually not what they seem."
He looked as though he felt somewhat better. I'd hoped my words would ease his guilt. We sat in silence for a few moments, each lost in our own thoughts. I was thinking about the previous conversation, as well as something we might do to pass the time. Then I remembered something he'd said.
"You play the piano?" I asked suddenly.
He chuckled and half-smiled. I swore if he could blush he would have been.
"Yes, I do. It's been a while since I've played but I have a feeling that with vampire senses it will be much easier." His smile widened to its full extent. It was incredible to behold.
I knew one day he'd get the vampire jokes I mused to myself. The feeling of my own ridiculous smile made me giggle and if any trace of pain was left on his face, it was certainly gone after that. His eyes seemed to glimmer with happiness and…completeness.
We both jumped when we heard the sound of Carlisle's car on the driveway. For several moments we just sat there staring at each other with large smiles. I'd forgotten that I had a reason for bringing up the piano.
"We should buy a piano tonight! It would be wonderful to have one here since we have someone who can play it well." I smiled warmly at him. He was still smiling from earlier.
"Wait, can you play? You said that like you can." He raised his brows as he assumed an inquisitive look. Now I felt like blushing. I covered my face with my hands out of habit.
"When I was human I dabbled. My father played so we had one in our home. I was never very good, though." I replied honestly.
"I doubt that. Besides, now you're over a century old with perfect dexterity. I'm sure you'd be better now, too."
"Anyway, we digress. Would you or would you not like to get a piano this evening?" I asked to hide my chagrin.
Carlisle entered the living room and gasped. I had almost forgotten about the candles and flowers that transformed the space so completely.
"Good evening, father, how was your day?" I asked brightly. I could see the surprise on his face at coming home to such a peaceful atmosphere. I couldn't help but giggle again. Our happiness infected Carlisle as well and soon we were all smiling brightly, staring at each other in awe.
Finally, we were a family again.
"My day is now perfect, thank you. How was your day, Isa? Edward?"
"Great!" we replied in unison, then gaped at each other. Carlisle chuckled.
"Good, good. So I hear we're going to get a piano? I think that's a lovely idea, but Isa, no piano vendor is open this late in the day."
Of course not, the sun would be setting in an less than an hour. Most places closed far before sunset.
"Of course it is, I don't know what I was thinking!" I laughed, perhaps a little too loudly.
The feeling of happiness continued for the rest of the night as we sat around swapping stories.
I didn't have any classes on Tuesdays or Thursdays, so Edward and I were able to go to the piano store the following day. Luckily for us it was quite overcast and we were able to shop without disruption. The instrument was delivered right away by our request and we spent the rest of the day taking turns playing. Occasionally we would play a song together, but he was considerably better than I. Though I did find it much easier, it still was no piece of cake. Edward, on the other hand, was incredible and after a while I let him serenade me with every song in at least half of the songbooks we bought. Eventually I moved to the couch, Edward continued to play while I lay reading about a skullcap found in China that could belong to a human ancestor. It was terribly interesting. Edward's gentle music was the perfect backdrop to my reading. This was how Carlisle found us when he returned home that evening.
He was still pleased to see his family complete again and I had a feeling that our obvious comfort with each other improved his mood even more. It was as if we lived in a euphoric bubble after a decade of suffering. I was sure Edward didn't feel quite as good as Carlisle and me, but I knew the wounds he inflicted on himself were healing. One day he would get over his guilt for the things he did.
From what I could gather since his return, he seemed to beat himself up over things. Of course he could have been lying about all of it, but he certainly looked as if he was tortured regardless. I trusted that Edward was not lying about his feelings. A very, very small part of me still felt resentment, but I pushed it down with ease. The past was done and we had an eternity ahead of us.
I decided to speak a few minutes after Carlisle was home and settled.
"I think we should do something soon, as a family. Can we go dancing or to a jazz concert? I feel like we should be doing something to experience the culture of the decade. It's almost over and they change so much each time a new one comes round."
Edward and Carlisle laughed before Edward's face turned serious.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a busy club... or anywhere busy, for that matter. I was having enough trouble at the piano shop." He admitted ashamedly.
"I wish you'd told me! You should have waited in the car." I scowled at him. He wasn't going to slip, not under my watch.
He looked down and muttered "I wanted to impress you."
"Well, I was very impressed. But please, next time tell me so you don't accidentally do something that will make you feel worse? I don't want you to hurt any more than you already do, and you would feel especially guilty if it was due to lack of control. I'll stop lecturing you now," I said with a grin, "I guess I just worry about you."
He smiled back and looked me in the eyes. "Thank you for worrying," he said, "Eventually I'll be okay around humans."
And eventually he was.