~o~
Rex's Point of View
I found myself contemplating what she had said way after she was in her room. I lay on my bed after I'd had a bath after the training for the day. Nina was in the bath so I was alone. Why did I have to eavesdrop? Now I was actually considering it.
Nina had said that she needed me. The last thing I wanted to do was let her down. But if I had a blackout, I inevitably would. It would hurt her. She would have to spend all her time trying to remind me of who she was, who I was, who we were and what we had. She wouldn't be able to act normally with me. She'd have to hold back and wait until I gelled back into the tide of life. And what then? What if after that it happened again? She'd have to start all over again. Knowing her, she'd do it. She'd do it a million times if it meant that we could be together. But I didn't want her to have to. I couldn't do that to her. She deserved better.
What about me? I loved her a lot. I probably needed her a lot more than I wanted to admit. She had told me that her world wouldn't be okay without me. I felt the same for sure. So was I strong enough to let her go? It was the better alternative to let her go before I hurt her. She had said before that she had nothing to offer me and that she didn't want to add to my problems. At that time I didn't realise that I would add to hers. Talk about blind. How could I miss something like that?
I covered my eyes with my arm. My world felt like it was being sucked into a big black crack in the Earth. I knew I had to let her go before things got any worse. I couldn't let it get so bad that we began to consider something like marriage and realise that we couldn't let go of each other. I couldn't form an absolute attachment and risk not being able to do the right thing. Did I need her now? Yes. But I had a bigger obligation to do the right thing, to do right by her. She couldn't love me forever, could she? She could get over me. I wasn't that special.
I would hate to do this to her so close to Christmas. She loved Christmas. But I couldn't afford to let any more time pass. We only got stronger every day. Every kiss only served to draw us further into each other's universes.
My phone went off and Nina was texting me to tell me that she was out of the bath and in her room. I considered just texting 'goodnight' to her and staying there but I thought maybe I'd die of guilt in my sleep. I got up and slowly trekked to her room. I'd have to start now, but I couldn't make it too obvious or else she'd notice and get upset. I had to keep my mind blank or else she'd realise where my mind was going and for sure, she'd get mad and this would take a direction I was not intending.
The door opened and she was there in her shorts and tee-shirt, smiling at me. Circe was granted her own room a little further down the hall the day after we went to the beach as an official member of the Providence family. But she and Zane were out on a date for the whole day. She came out to meet me. We both knew when we were alone behind closed doors, we ended up with swollen lips and thin breaths. And we sometimes got caught. And none of us had the will to stop.
Despite my efforts to smile and look normal, her smile quickly wiped off her face.
"What's the matter, Rex? Feeling unwell?" she asked.
"Uh, yeah. Feeling really run down and a bit dizzy." I had resorted to lying. In my book, this was one of those desperate times when I thought a lie was almost necessary.
"Oh, poor baby. Then why'd you leave your room? I could have come to you," she said, rubbing my arm.
"I...just came to say a quick goodnight."
"Alright. You're too sweet." She took me into her embrace and I tried my best not to let the pain of my action get to me. I held her to me for a moment, taking in her sweet scent. This would be the last time I'd allow myself to get this close to her. She stepped back and she looked me in the eyes. I turned away before it could turn into a kiss and started back down the hall.
"Goodnight, Nina. I need to get back to bed. See you in the morning."
"Uh, yeah, goodnight, Rex. I hope you feel better, babe. I love you!" I cringed at the sound of that last part. I had already told myself not to say it back. I was only glad that I couldn't see her face. I was surprised she didn't come after me to ask me if I was really, really unwell or something. I was surprised she was letting me act like this.