Chapter 7: Duke Nukem Forever

A/N – Yes, I know this game hasn't come out yet, but there's serious hype surrounding it. If you've never played any old DN games in the past, I strongly suggest you go look up some catch phrases and gameplay of both the new, upcoming game and older, past games on Youtube. If you don't, you won't understand a single joke in here. Enjoy!

"This was a triumph," Shinji sorted through a few files as Asuka sang the song he explicitly said he despised. She was simply laying on her back in the middle of the floor, spitting out the lyrics from memory, "I'm making a note here: Huge success."

"Asuka, that song's creepy, cut it out."

"It's hard to overstate my satisfaction," he just sighs and thanks whatever God is out there she can't possibly remember all the lyrics after hearing them once. She'll forget where she's going eventually, right? "And believe me, I am still alive," he was wrong, "I'm doing science, and I'm still alive," plugging his ears didn't help in the least, "I feel fantastic and I'm still alive," she paused for almost thirty full seconds, and Shinji let out a sigh.

"Thank y-"

"While you're dying I'll be still alive. And when you're dead I will be still alive. Still alive, still alive…"

"Are you quite done?"

"Yeah, the song's over. You didn't think it was catchy? I loved it. I miss her, don't you?" he didn't even have to answer, "Oh come on. Just because she promised you cake and didn't give any, you get all butt hurt about it. Grow up already."

"You don't make someone jump over raw sewage for five hours, promising cake, and then try to incinerate them! I wanted my cake, damn it!" Shinji was a man who enjoyed his cake. This much was true, "She deserved what I did."

"But she's-"

"Don't you dare say it."

"Still alive, still alive, still alive," laugher soon followed from her mouth.

"Fine, you know what? I'm picking the game this time. The most womanizing, bad ass, warmonger to walk the earth since James Bond. Duke Nukem," for once, a game Asuka's never heard of. Shinji found the game not too long ago, but he explicitly remembered playing it with Kensuke at one point. Needless to say, it was quite… entertaining to the viewers of the male variety. He began the game and found himself is quite the odd situation – in a hot tub, holding a controller and staring up at a massive television.

"Not bad," he looks over to see Asuka… well, at least what he assumed to be Asuka. The woman certainly did look Asuka-ish, but she was no younger than eighteen, and the girl's already mature body ended up growing into something all men desired, "This is the first time a game changed how we look," the woman looked down at herself with proud eyes. This was no doubt what she would grow into, and she was certainly happy with it. When she looked over at Shinji, her jaw, quite literally, dropped. He was completely muscle clad and dressed head to toe in military attire. A red tank top, black cargo pants, a military holster that ran up both sides of his chest filled with grenades and ammo, and even fingerless leather gloves. The whole persona was topped off by a buzzed haircut straight out of a movie. She could tell it was Shinji, just some sort of bizarro-world Shinji.

"You look… great," he was just as taken back by her appearance as she was by his. He went to say something romantic, but in the spirit of suspenseful games, he was soon cut off by a deafening crash from across the room, "Guess it's time to work," acting a bit too calm for Asuka's liking, he got out of the tub – where he was in full clothing, dripping wet – and picked up an almost cartoon-esque gun sitting right behind him. Regardless of the fact that it was essentially three miniguns formed in a triangle, he dawned it to his shoulder quite easily.

"Wow…" a large humanoid creature stood in the rubble of the doorway. It was no less than seven feet tall, and had the face of a hog with exaggerated tusks.

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of gum," Asuka's stomach sank at the horrible one-liner he spat out, but watching him mow down that monster was… exhilarating in her eyes, to say the least, "I seriously did not mean to say that. It just sort of popped out," 'Aaaaand the old Shinji is back… even with the crappy line, that was still hot.'

"Yeah, whatever," Asuka was clad in no more than a solid black bikini, but it didn't look like that was about to change any time soon, "Lead the way, macho man."

"You got it, sweet cheeks," even his eyes got wide, "I swear, I'm not saying these things! I think the game is making me do it!"

The next half hour consisted of no more than unadulterated violence that mothers do everything in their power to censor their children from. Ripping of jaw bones? He did that. Shotgun shells to the face? Hell yeah. Flamethrower to the nads? He enjoyed that a little too much. Grenades shoved down throats? Of course. Crappy sayings? It wouldn't be Duke Nukem without them, now would it? They were initially just wandering through a post-apocalyptic city for the entire time as Asuka instructed him where to go until they came across a large, organic tunnel leading towards an even larger organic castle. This, typically, came along with a large hoard of various monsters, all of which Shinji quickly and less-than-elegantly dealt with.

"Yippie-kai-yay mother fuckers," Asuka has made it a habit to punch his arm every time he lets a saying slip. She completely believes that he can't help it, but that doesn't it make it any less annoying in her eyes, "I'm sorry! It's like a sneeze, I just can't stop."

"Just keep going. This game was your idea, remember?" she'd never admit it, but so far, this was he favorite game hands down, "So this guy's name is seriously Duke Nukem?" they began to walk down the long passage as he holstered the gun.

"Yeah, don't know why though. All I know is that he fight aliens… or something, I don't know. They were making this game for something like thirteen years before it came out. Misato and Kaji weren't even born when the original games came out, and this is the next one in line. For most people, this is the first they heard of him," he felt smart spitting out the information Kensuke gave him, "But come on, don't tell me this isn't fun. This is exactly your kind of game!"

"It's a mindless shooter! I like tactical shooters. You just walk around and shoot anything that moves in this game while spitting out horrid sayings. And plus, look how I'm dressed! It was cute at first, but really? I'm cold, my feet hurt, and the only thing protecting me from a monster is a bikini!"

And so the arguing began… at least, some would call it arguing. Most would just call it Shinji having his ear nagged off for a solution that clearly didn't exist. After the first five minutes, he offered to just carry her on his back – this worked out perfectly fine until another monster came around. Only being able to shoot a pistol with one hand isn't exactly the fastest way to kill something, especially when the shooter has the accuracy of a drunk five year old. Thus, Asuka was back to walking on the gravel-ridden road in bare feet. To her, it seemed as if they've been walking for an eternity, when in reality it was no more than half an hour before they came to a large, circular room that, in her mind, was clearly built for a boss battle.

She was right.

"Hell, I'd still hit it," Asuka rubbed her face in annoyance, "Ew…" the giant monster that was lowered in front of them was clearly a female – at least to the eyes of a human – but the resemblance didn't necessarily go far. Three breasts were present on the 'chest', each one just as crusty, green, and rotten as the last. The face consisted of a massive jaw with countless small fangs shooting out in every direction, two eyes that seemed to be useless due to their completely black nature, and a massive hole in the middle resembling what could be a nose. The arms came up to either side and ended with crab claws.

"I'm sure you would," having no means to be offensive or even defend herself, Asuka reluctantly took her place in the corner as Shinji went about his way, doing what must be done to the woman-monster-thing.

'What was his point of bringing me into this stupid game? To teach me a lesson? I was just singing! No, even he's not that superficial. Sure, I may have punished him in such a manner, but he's far from like that. It seems like whatever game we play, he's constantly trying to either protect me, motivate me, or just relax with me. Who enters a world of infinite possibility and chooses to sit on the hood of a truck and stare up at the sky? It's stupid! And even if it's stupid, he clearly chose a game that specifically required him to stay away from me, or at the very least put him in situations of combat he hates. The only games we've played that he even mildly enjoyed were the ones that allowed him to sit back and relax! I mean look at him – he couldn't be having more fun right now. Sure, he claims to hate it, but I know damn well he's loving every second of it.'

"Hey Asuka," a large explosion snapped her out of dream land, "I think I'm done," sitting in the middle of the room was still the monster, but in the sense that a computer is still there after taking a hammer to it. Sure, all the pieces are there, but they aren't working so well together anymore.

"That was a little excessive, no?" she stood back up and yawned, "Can we go back yet? I'm bored," the annoyance in her voice was painfully obvious to Shinji, and they both knew the answer to her question.

"We can't go back until the game kicks us out or there's a glitch… I don't know the game well enough, so it's not like I can force it. You're the one with the all-controlling brain, you make it happen," his sarcasm didn't amuse her in the least. With monsters out of sight and a new, seemingly never-ending tunnel now opened up across the room, she took her place on his back as he carried her through the passage.

"But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying 'till you run out of cake. And the science gets done, and you make a neat gun for the people who are still alive," there really was no point in fighting her. Every time he so much as breathed too loudly, she'd lightly punch the top of his head. The truth of the matter was that she didn't love the song that much, but it annoyed and even scared him, and that's all the reasoning she needed, "You're not very assertive. You should work on that," at first, he had no idea what she said. She transitioned so seamlessly from the song into normal speak that he almost missed it.

"Assertive? Every time I try to take charge you hit me!"

"So? Maybe I like it when you take charge. Some girls like that in a guy, you know," this was going way over his head, "Especially me," even someone as thick-headed as Shinji caught that hint, "If you don't like what I'm doing, make me stop. You don't always have to be the victim."

"And how do you suggest I stop you? You're stronger than me – at least in the real world – and threaten me with my life. Literally. Like, you've held a knife up to me before, Asuka. I like my skin the way it is," she visually and audibly rolled her eyes.

"Harmless flirting! Jeez, someone pulls a knife on you and you take it all personal. No wonder you can't get a girl," they both laughed, even though she tried to hold it back as hard as possible, "Come on, you think I'd really hurt you?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay, let me rephrase that – hurt you badly. The correct answer to that is a whopping no. You're one of the few people I can stand, even if you are a poorly trained dog," somehow, that pseudo-compliment made him blush.

"So… would you consider us friends?"

"Why wouldn't I? That's a stupid question, seriously," a brief moment of silence between them increased the tension.

"What about… something more?" she was slightly glad that he finally verbalized what he's obviously been feeling lately.

"Is this your way of asking me out? Because it's really lame."

"Fine, fine. Asuka, when we get back, do you want to-"

"Now these points of data make a beautiful line, and we're out of beta, we're releasing on time," Asuka was swiftly and harshly dropped to the floor.

"Oh God! She's here!" he frantically pointed the pistol in all directions as the now-annoyed girl rubbed the back of her head, "Where? Come out!"

"Pilot Ikari?" he lowered the pistol at the sound of a familiar voice. None other than the social butterfly Rei turned out from a corner he didn't know existed as Asuka struggled back to her feet. This punch was truly meant to hurt him, "Soryu?" the sight in front of them was quite… odd, to say the least. Exactly like Asuka, she aged to the point of a late teenager and was wearing a black bikini, but that's where the similarities ended. Somehow, the girl apparently managed to not only find a military base, but also found the need to take countless guns with her. He couldn't even begin to count everything she had – ammo belts forming an X crossed her chest, a large minigun was holstered on her shoulder, and no less than three handguns were on her belt.

"Great, Wondergirl is here. We're saved. Whoopee. That hurt, you ass!" and yet another punch, "She doesn't even sound like GLaDOS!"

"Rei! Have you been in the computer this whole time?" just as casually as if the three were at school, she walks over to them as if nothing is out of place.

"No, I was sent in here to retrieve you two. However, I believe something went wrong – they can't seem to get me out. Give them time, Dr. Akagi will find a method to get us out. It has only been two days, and she has not had much time to work on it," both children go wide-eyed.

"That's bull! We've been in here for at least a month! Tell her, Shinji!"

"Y-Yeah, she's right. Is this the first game you've come into?" she simply nodded, "We've been in here a long time. Do you have any ways of communicating with them?" once again, a simple answer of shaking her head. The girl was beginning to creep out the other two children… "Okay… well, let's stick together, it's safer that way."

"Hold the phone – Rei, do they know we're in that idiot's computer?" she raised an eyebrow, "Oh come on! So they don't even know where we are? How'd they send you here?"

"I am not a scientist. I can't explain how they sent me here, they simply did. Where is… here?"

"Kensuke's computer. And you interrupted a good moment, learn to be a little more considerate," as the girl spoke, a horrid scream could be heard echoing throughout the halls, "Get to work, Shinji," they say it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for. Apparently, that saying wasn't created with Rei in mind, because she had no vices showing exactly how sadistic she could be with her methods of killing aliens. There were points the other two children literally had to look away – some people just can't handle the sight of a blue haired beauty sodomizing a hog-man with a shotgun. The last individual of the horde was taken out by Shinji, and he was soon taken out by Asuka for his saying.

"I always said if there's a way to go, it would have something to do with women, whips, and oil. I go where I please, and I please where I go."

"I didn't know Ikari was so… blunt," she was the only one aware of the blush on her face.

"It was the game! Stop hitting me, Asuka!" his voice cracked as he screamed her name, forcing a laugh from her mouth, "Whatever…"

"Hold it back and I'll stop. So, Wondergirl, just as a heads up, we're all going to be naked as the day we were born when the game is over, which should happen any time now. I don't want any weird looks from you, got it?" Rei ignored the suggestion on her sexual preference and continued walking down the passage, "It's no fun mocking people when they don't respond! That's why I keep you around. Speaking of, what were you about to ask before?" she knew damn well what he was going to ask, but far be it from her to not get the satisfaction of him begging.

"Really? Fine… Asuka, when we get back, would you be my-" no such satisfaction came for the girl. No, instead, the room flashed into darkness and the three children fell onto the floor of the office – the two girls on their backs next to each other, and Shinji hovering over them with his arms as support.

"This was bound to happen eventually, no, Soryu?"

"God. Damn. It."

A/N – Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there… with a new girlfriend. Best commercial ever! But back on topic – here's the Duke Nukem chapter. I had quite a bit of trouble… in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have done this, because I've never played a single game of this series. Eh, whatever. I know this wasn't the best chapter, but I'll make it up in the next one – I have a doozy of ideas going. A doozy is a unit of volume, right? Anyone care to guess what it'll be? Here's a hint: "Hmm!" (if you've played the game, you'll probably get it…). Keep on keepin' on!