episode 3: Fruits Basket

"GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY! Welcome to Whose Line: Anime Style! On tonight's show... Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, Tohru Honda! Someday my prince will come, Yuki Sohma! Cute but psycho, Kyo Sohma! And, not another one! Shigure Sohma! And, as always, I'm your hostess, Dragon of Venus!"

Typical day on the set: I walk outta the audience, up to my desk, start talking, the game sta-- wait. I'm gettin' ahead of myself here. Sorry. Heh heh. Aaa-nyway...

"Welcome to Whose Line: Anime Style, the show where everything's made up and the points matter.-- Don't matter, they don't matter! Sorry, I'm a little out of it right now. This should be a fun episode, huh? SO. We're gonna start this one off with a game called 'Let's Make A Date.' This is for all for of you guys." Once they stopped laughing, everyone walked to the side of my desk, grabbed a few stools, placed them on the stage, and sat down on 'em. "So, in this game, Tohru is a contestant on a dating game show, and the guys are the three bachelors she has to choose from. Sorry we didn't have a better selection for ya, Tohru."

Tohru laughed. "It's fine."

I smiled. She's so sweet. And if anyone out there took that differently than I intended it, keep your stinkin' comments to yourself, okay? Okay. "And the guys have each been given a weird identity that Tohru has to guess." Yuki, Shigure, and Kyo then looked at the cards that had their 'identities' on them. Shigure laughed, Kyo smacked his forehead, and Yuki just gave his card a weird look. "So whenever you're ready, go ahead."

Tohru flipped her hair and smiled. "Hello, bachelors." The guys returned the greeting. "Okay, um, bachelor number one, hi."

"Hello," responded Shigure, who was having difficulty babysitting a 5-year-old with a serious attitude.

"Bachelor number one," Tohru went on, "I would really like a guy to bring me flowers on a date. What kind of flowers would you bring me?"

Shigure gave this a quick thoughtful look. "Well, uh--" He looked aside. "Hey, take that out of your mouth!" he shouted. "... Take it out! I mean it!" He turned back to Tohru. "I'm sorry, could you come back to me?"

"Sure. Bachelor number two?"

Kyo, an obnoxious school kid attempting to annoy his bus driver, Shigure, replied, "Yeah?"

"If we went on a date, where would you take me?" asked Tohru.

Kyo looked somewhat disgusted. "A date? With you? Geez, do I look that old to you?" He suddenly grabbed a crumpled up piece of paper out of nowhere and flung it at Shigure's head. "Hahah!"

"...Ooookay. Uh, bachelor number three."

Yuki, or rather Superman rushing into the audience to save a captured Lois Lane, smiled. "Hi."

"Hi," said Tohru. "Um, I like music by Do As Infinity. What kind of music do you enjoy?"

"Well," Yuki began, "I would have to say--" He then looked at the audience wide-eyed. "Oh no. Um, would you excuse me a minute?"

"Sure."

"Thank you." With that, he ran behind the stage.

Tohru went on. "So, number one, back to you."

"OW!" cried Shigure. "You do that again, mister, and I'm telling Mommy!"

"..Uhm, bachelor number one?"

"Oh, sorry, what?" he smiled.

"...Well, my favorite movie is The Castle Beyond The Looking Glass. What's yours?"

"Oh, that's an easy one. I would definitely have to say-- Oh, come on, don't break that! No!-- Dang it. My favorite movie is-- AH!" He held his foot in fake pain. "Okay, that's it, you're goin' to bed!"

Tohru rose an eyebrow. "Umm, y'know what? Why don't I just come back to you? Bachelor number two?" Kyo chose that moment to give Shigure bunny ears. "If you wouldn't take me on a date, how would you pass the time with me?"

"WHAT?" asked Kyo, who was then pretending to listen to music.

"Uh, I said--"

He then shot an imaginary spitball at Shigure with an evil grin.

Shigure huffed. "Are we almost done here? I'm starting to get a little annoyed with this guy.--" He smacked his head. "Now I gotta give you a bath!"

Tohru whistled. "...Alllright, bachelor number three, are you back ye--"

Yuki then ran back out to his stool. "Sorry, what?"

"Will you just answer one question for me?" Tohru asked almost desperately.

"Of course."

"If you had the chance, would you take me on a date?"

"Absolutely." Tohru smiled. "Now if you'll excuse me..." He ran into the audience, grabbed up Hinata from Naruto (who, by now, was blushing like crazy), and went back down to the stage, all the while saying, "Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me." When they finally got back, he said kindly, "No offense."

"I-It's okay, I understand," Hinata replied timidly.

Tohru looked strangely at the two. "Uh... should I know about her?"

Yuki looked to Tohru. "What? Oh, no, she was just someone I was supposed to save. It said so on the card."

Bzz!

As Yuki walked Hinata back to her seat, I asked, "Okay, Tohru, have you the slightest clue who any of them are?"

"Well," she said, "I think Shigure was some kind of kindergarten teacher having trouble with his class?"

"Close," I replied. "How else do you take care of a kid?"

"Oh, he was babysitting!"

"Yes!"

Tohru smiled proudly. "Kyo was the kid he was babysitting."

I laughed. "...Close enough. You wanna take another guess at that?"

"Uhm, I think he was maybe trying to annoy Shigure...?"

I picked up the card. "Yeah, it says he's an 'obnoxious school kid attempting to annoy bus driver Shigure.'"

Tohru laughed. "Aaand, Yuki, I'm pretty sure, was... Superman?"

The girl's a genius! "Yup!"

The four went back to their seats as the audience applauded. "Ah, why not? Thousand points each. (slight laughter) So, let's go on to a game called 'Song Titles.' Again, this is for all four of you." The four got up and went to the sides of the stage; Yuki and Tohru to one, Kyo and Shigure to the other. "The way this game works is, you guys are gonna act out a scene, but the trick is, you can only speak in song titles. Not lyrics, titles. And the scene is... (look at card) first day of school. So whenever you guys are ready, go ahead."

Tohru and Kyo walked down.

"...First Day of My Life," said Kyo.

Tohru gasped and pointed somewhere. "Billy S.!"

Kyo was silent for a moment, then pointed to himself and said, "...You Got A Friend In Me?"

"For You I Will," Tohru smiled.

Kyo opened his mouth, but nothing came out. ". . . . I gotta go."

Bzz!

Shigure walked down, then looked around curiously as though he were in a 'new school.' He turned to Tohru and said, "Chemistry?"

Tohru looked to the side of the stage and said, "In The Rough."

"How To Save A Life?" Shigure asked again.

"In My Head," Tohru replied.

Shigure gave her a strange look and responded, "Bye Bye Bye."

Tohru's eyes widened. "Stop In The Name of Love!" she cried.

Shigure turned around. "L.O.V.E.?"

Tohru was then at a loss. "Oh, man."

Bzz!

Yuki walked up to Shigure. He held out his hand and said, "Melissa."

Shigure shook it. "Mandy."

Yuki looked at him strangely and replied, "Don't Lie."

Shigure shrugged. "Together We Can," he smiled.

Still looking at Shigure weirdly, Yuki shot back, "Go!"

"Rush!" replied Shigure.

"Walk Away!"

Shigure huffed, pretended to leave, then turned back to Yuki and said, "...Lost and Confused."

"Where'd You Go?" Yuki asked him.

Shigure pointed off to the side. ". . . Over there."

Bzz!

Kyo walked back down. "...Hello."

"Yo," Yuki responded.

Kyo looked around. "...Where Is The Love?"

Yuki looked at him strangley. "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

"Love Is A Many Splendored Thing," Kyo shrugged.

Yuki looked around and said, "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?"

"Don't Cha?" Kyo asked.

Yuki smacked his head. "Just Missed the Train!"

Kyo pointed behind him. "Baby You Can Drive My Car."

"Big Yellow Taxi!" Yuki said, pointing somewhere else.

Kyo pointed in front of them. "Yellow Submarine," he said.

". . . . Ah, crud."

Bzz, bzz!

They four went back to their seats as I laughed. "That was pretty good, guys. A little weird, but good. Thousand points each." Shigure applauded himself.

"Oh please," Kyo muttered, putting his head in his hand.

I shook my head with another laugh. "So let's move on to a game called... oh, this is a good one-- Weird Newscasters. Again, all four of you." The four got up. Tohru sat on a stool at the front of the stage, and Shigure sat at one right to her left. Kyo stood behind Tohru, Yuki behind Shigure.

"So in this game, you guys are gonna do a made-up news report, but everyone but Shigure has been given a weird identity they have to act out at the same time." Shigure took a moment sulk. "Okay, so Shigure's the normal old anchor person, and Tohru is his co-anchor. Tohru, you are Little Red Riding Hood convinced that Shigure is the Big Bad Wolf."

"No, what's it say on the card?" asked Shigure.

I pretended to ignore him and went on. "Kyo, you're doing the sports, and you're about to be caught in a rhinoceros stampede." Kyo stared at me. "Y'know, rhinos?"

"I know what they are!" he shouted.

"Yeah, I just had to do that," I laughed. "Anyway, Yuki's gonna do the weather, and, Yuki, you get caught in the mist from episode 135 of Inuyasha."

Yuki's eye's widened. "What?"

I shrugged. "Hey, I didn't write this stuff, I-- Oh, wait... Yes I did." I smiled before clearing my throat a little anxiously. "So, um, whenever you guys hear the music, take it away."

Yyyyya-da-da-daaaa (...That was supposed to be the music they open the game with, y'know?... Nevermind. Anyway..)

"Good evening and welcome to the six o'clock news," said Shigure, "I'm your anchor, Duncan Donuts." I had to laugh. "Today's top story, Inuyasha tries out for a comedy act by showing off the following joke: 'What would you say if Kikyo got a bird? Holy crow!' The result: Totosai sprayed his face with milk straight out of his cow's udders." I almost did a spit-take, I swear. "...And now we will go over to my co-anchor, the lovely Mabel Syrup. Mabel?"

Tohru was trembling as she looked at Shigure. "U-um, thank you, Duncan. Well, um..." She gulped, then glanced back at Shigure.

"What?" he asked.

Tohru shrieked and shielded her face. "Don't eat me, please!" she begged nervously. "And just leave me and Grandma alone, wouldja?!"

Shigure was silent in response. "Oh-kay, then," he said, clearing his throat. "Now let's go to the sports with our sports reporter, Juan Wayoranother. Juan, what's goin' on over there?"

"Well," Kyo began, "it's really kinda hard to tell, there's not much activity out here at all. I dunno what's going o-- Wait a sec, someone's coming." He squinted off into the distance behind himself. "I can't really tell what it is, but it's movin' pretty damn fast." Kyo's eyes suddenly widened, realizing what it was. "Oh my God... WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AFRICA HERE?!?!" He started running in place, trying to avoid the stampede heading his way. "Back to you!" he panted before falling flat on his face and acting as though he were getting trampled.

Tohru and Shigure stared at Kyo, lying on the floor, making an absolute idiot out of himself without even realizing.

Shigure whistled.

"Uh-huh," said Tohru.

Shigure turned back to face the audience. "This just in, position for new sports reporter has just opened. Now we'll head over to the weather with our always dependable, always sober weatherman, Moe Nalisa. Moe, how ya holdin' up?"

Yuki stumbled and put a hand to his forehead. "Thanks," he slurred. "Well, uh, lessee. Uhm..." He shook his head. "Whoo... Sorry 'bout that. Uh, we got a storm comin' in from..." -He pointed to his right- "over there. And, uh--" At that moment, he almost tripped over his feet. "Whoa. Okay, soo, uhhh-- He-llo." Then, much to everyone's hilarity, Yuki walked over to my desk and started, um... talking to it. "Ya come here often?... Oh, I got it. You're a little shy, huh?" He started to look up, then shot up to his feet as he stared at me before quickly turning away, shielding his eyes. "Wow. Didn't need to see that." He walked back to his spot behind Shigure, and promptly... collapsed.

"...Good news. There's a job open for a new anchor, too," said Shigure. Tohru swiped a hand across her forehead in relief. "And that concludes tonight's report. Join us again tomorrow, same time, same place, new crew. Goodnight."

With that, the sound-off music came on and I buzzed the game over. Yuki and Kyo got up and, along with Tohru and Shigure, walked back to their seats.

"That was great," I said. "A thousand points to Kyo for making a total lunkhead of himself in public, and minus a hundred for Yuki for that little comment."

Yuki laughed. "I was drunk, whaddya want?" he shot back.

I rolled my eyes and kinda half-shrugged. "Whatever. So anyway, let's move right on to a game called Doo-Wop. This one is for the guys." Yuki, Kyo, and Shigure stood up and went back down to the stage as I went on. "So, first off, what I need from the audience is a girl's name. Any ol' name'll do." And the suggestions poooooured in.

"Amy!"

"Samantha!"

"Sango!"

"Chelsea!"

"Sango, wait, it was an accident, I swear!"

"Sarah!"

"...I'll disregard the Sango thing and go with Sarah," I responded. "Now somebody else, gimme a hobby or a game or something."

"Baseball!"

"Fencing!"

"Pinball!"

"Okay, pinball." I turned back to the guys and went on yakkin'. "Okay, so in this game, you guys are gonna sing in the style of a doo-wop song about Sarah, who died tragically in a freak pinball accident." They laughed. I could see Tohru laughing at her seat as well. "And, as always, we're gonna have the help of InuChick155! (insert applause here) So whenever you guys are ready, let's hear it." InuChick started playing. The guys snapped their fingers to the beat of the music, and Yuki went up to start off the game.

"Oh, I knew a girl once, and Sarah was her name

She loved pinball, it was her favorite game

Then one tragic day when her score was real high

The ball popped out of the box and hit her in the eye

Oh, Sarah"

He moved back and Shigure went up.

"My dear Sarah, you really left me so blue

(Yuki: She left me so sad and blue)

Now that you're gone, I don't know what I'm gonna do

(Yuki: Don't know what I'm gonna do)

You were so amazing, you really had it made

But when that pinball killed you it came out of the arcade

Oh, Sarah"

Reluctantly, Kyo came up next and sang in a low voice.

"Oh, Sarah, why are you dead?

Feels like there's a pinball inside my head

You always got the high score

Girl, you were the best

So why did you have to die?

I blame the authoress!

Oh, Sarah"

Yuki: "Sarah"

Shigure: "Oh, Sarah, yeah"

all: "Oooooohhhh..."

Bzz! Bzz!

One laughing, one sighing, and one hanging his head in shame, (think about it) the guys went back to their seats. I laughed, happily surprised. "Wow. I had no idea you guys could actually sing." I smiled. "Two thousand points each."

Their mouths dropped open.

"..Yeah. And I can totally let the 'I blame the authoress' thing slide, Kyo," I went on.

He looked at me, surprised. "Seriously?"

I shrugged. "Yeah. I figure I gotta get used to it."

"Nice!" Kyo cheered.

"That doesn't mean you can get away with it next time!"

"Damn it."

I laughed with satisfaction. "Okay, we'll be right back with more Whose Line: Anime Style! Don't go anywhere and please leave me a review!"