§0 Virtue
The Saturn Pork Bean, as the beige vehicle (unbeknownst to its current occupants) was in fact called, drew to a stop. This was because Sonic had drawn to a stop, and was holding a dead Chaos Emerald above his head. The once-powerful gem glowed weakly, and Sonic was inspecting it and wearing a bewildered expression.
"Your driving's getting better," Captain Falcon admitted begrudgingly as he left the car.
"You really think so?" said Pit brightly, his face wreathed in smiles.
"Given how you were in the beginning, it would have been difficult to get any worse."
"He's a natural," said Peach indulgently. Pit beamed.
"I do not see any IPAF ships," said Meta Knight, looking up at the sky.
"They'll turn up," said Sonic without turning around. "Eventually. They probably have to complete three tonnes of paperwork before they can launch an assault. Still, this is a pretty clear-cut case of villains oppressing an innocent planet. They don't have any excuse to not turn up."
Wario was the last out of the car. Squeezing his large waist (somewhat smaller after weeks of adventuring) through the door, he joined the others in circling around Sonic and observing the Emerald, but lacking Meta Knight's cape-wings and the others' height he had to hop up and down to see anything.
"So let me get this straight," he panted between hops. "You're saying that you used up the Emeralds' power to get to Nintendo, and they're the only ones in the universe, but now they're picking up signals from other Emeralds?"
"The universe is a pretty big place," said Sonic. "But these are the only ones I knew of. Until now…"
Yoshi pointed at the sky and squeaked rapidly.
"He asks whether that's an IPAF vessel," said Meta Knight, pointing with his sword.
They looked at the small pod, red hot after its journey through the atmosphere and approaching the ground like an old friend.
"Whatever it is, it's heading straight for us!" cried Sonic.
"Farore's Winde!"
There was a green flash, and suddenly the group was standing a good mile or so away, in a safe position for pod observation. First they saw the collision, the explosion and the earth being thrown up; then the BOOM and the shockwave hit them at the same time, bowling them over onto their backs. Then there was the aftermath, mostly consisting of rustling and squawking as Hyrule Field's fauna recovered from the blast.
"Thanks, Zelda," said Sonic.
The Hylian princess, still standing, raised an eyebrow.
"And the goddesses," said Sonic, rolling his eyes.
The rest of the group slowly raised themselves from the turf. Perhaps given what they had been through so far they should have been better at dealing with tremors, but they were all thoroughly shaken (pun intended). What they needed was a few minutes to pull themselves together without any more sudden shocks.
What they did not need was the sudden appearance of what looked like the emo-ness of Pit crossed with the everything else of Sonic about four feet away. The result was that Pit himself fell back down with a cry. Sonic just glared.
"So, still alive, then?" the new arrival said with a smirk.
"Nice to see you too, Shadow," said Sonic dryly.
Shadow differed from Sonic only in the black fur with red highlights, the downy white chest and the complete lack of humour in his smile. It was as if Sonic had been lightly charred while being forced to listen to My Chemical Romance.
"Guys," said Sonic wearily, "allow me to present Shadow the Hedgehog, another Mobian who claims to be my rival. Shadow, these are…"
"Why don't you introduce them to someone who gives a damn?" suggested Shadow. "It's you I'm here for."
"Well, lucky lucky me."
Shadow laughed, a short harsh bark that sent a small group of birds that had just re-alighted upon their perches back up into the air.
"Not so much, Sonic. I'm here to kill you."
Seven awfully familiar-looking stones appeared as if out of nowhere and span around Shadow, glowing slightly. Wario's eyes lit up with greed; Sonic's lit up with terror.
"How did you get those?" he cried. "I…"
"…had the only seven in existence?" said Shadow, grinning. "You really think IPAF would have let you destroy them if that was the case? They'd already perfected the creation of artificial ones. And they told me to use them to deal with you."
"But… why…?"
"They feel that it would be easier to use the new Chaos Emeralds to negotiate with the LOVE than to try and fight them off. But you, Sonic, you might tell someone about this. You know too much."
A purple emerald alighted in Shadow's hand, glowing ominously, while the other six continued to orbit around him. He extended the stone towards Sonic, who cowered a bit.
"CHAOS…"
Meta Knight's sword emerged from its sheath, the yellow eyes fixed on the gem.
"…Bounce."
Shadow threw the gem at Sonic's forehead, catching it as it rebounded.
"Ow!"
"Oh, relax," Shadow said, turning casually. "I'm not going to kill you. Wouldn't have been worth my while."
"You mean, you were messing with me the whole time?" yelled Sonic at Shadow's back.
"Oh no. Everything I said is true. The IPAF would much rather you were dead. But I've got my own agenda, and it doesn't involve taking orders from a bunch of pâté-munching port-swilling pen-pushers who've never fought their own battles in their entire life."
The sword withdrew once more, but its wielder remained on edge. The remainder of the group were unsure as to whether they could relax without being zapped by the emeralds, and remained in a state of semi-tension. The exception was Sonic, who was fuming like a spoilt child told that another ice cream would make him sick.
"How COULD they? After all I went through for them?"
"Bullshit, Sonic," sneered Shadow. "You took the job because you wanted to show off, not because anyone told you to."
"If you're not here to kill Sonic," said Peach gently, "why did you agree to come to this planet?"
Shadow turned to the Princess, seeing her properly for the first time. Gazing into the limpid blue eyes, he seemed to soften. He looked at and shuffled his feet.
"I was curious," he muttered. "Curious about what was going on. That's all."
"You wanted to help?" pressed Peach.
"I didn't say that!" He stormed off a couple of paces and looked out over the fields. "Just interested in the odd energy signatures."
"I believe the appropriate term is 'tsundere'," sneered Wario.
A red shockwave bowled the fat man head over heels with a short cry of "Wah!"
"SHUT UP!"
More calls of disturbed birds. Otherwise, silence.
"Shadow, your landing is bound to have attracted attention," said Zelda softly. "Maybe you can tell us about why you came here and about these energy signatures somewhere else?"
Yoshi gave some squeaks to the effect that the ration packs they had brought in the vehicle were still in the vehicle and that he was hungry. Meta Knight translated them badly.
"Guess we all pile into the car and eat lunch?" suggested the Captain. "Do you eat, emo-Sonic, or…"
"NEVER CALL ME EMO-SONIC!" shouted Shadow.
"Let's get him inside," said Meta Knight, "before we get LOVE guards on our tail and Hyrule Field has no birds left."
o o o
After a bit of quarrelling over who sat where, the crowd were ensconced in the vehicle. Peach had eagerly volunteered to sit in the front next to the Captain, who had taken over from Pit as driver. Yoshi was eventually persuaded to sit with Wario and Meta Knight in the back, which he did screwing up his giant nose and wearing the expression of a martyr. That left Zelda to sit with Shadow and Sonic, both of whom were still fuming slightly.
As the Captain drove on, they ate from their ration packs, Zelda offering Shadow some of hers. At first he declined awkwardly, but eventually suffered himself to be fed some chicken sandwiches (made freshly from Hylian Cucco chickens – Pit had covered his eyes and wept when the Captain broke their necks).
Shadow had unfurled a map, which he spread over his knees and those of Zelda and Sonic. It was a surface map of the entire planet, and Shadow had made purple and cyan marks at various points. It was soon covered with lettuce fragments and breadcrumbs.
"I can sense certain energy sources from a long way away," said Shadow. "As I flew around this planet in my pod, I used this map to WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?"
The hovercar had stopped inches away from a large boulder.
"Brakes aren't as good as the Blue Falcon's," grumbled the Captain.
"Let Pit drive," said Zelda sternly. "He doesn't take silly risks or complain incessantly about how much worse this car is than his own."
"Wouldn't have been a silly risk if it was the Blue Falcon."
"I traced two types of energy," continued Shadow, as the car started up again with a different pilot. "These purple markings are one type; as you can see, there's a huge patch here…"
"That wasn't five minutes' drive from where you crashed," said Zelda.
"…and another large patch here on top of this mountain, joined by a sort of channel. And lots of small ones all around. If I'm not mistaken, it was the same sort of energy that went into the massive barrier they put around the planet."
"I can't believe the IPAF want to kill me!" moaned Sonic. "After all I did for them. Call that gratitude? 'Cause I don't."
Shadow rolled his eyes and talked more towards Zelda. "Then there are very localised patches of this blue energy. Not so many of them. They're like pinpricks, but very distinct. These are where they were shortly before I landed."
"Again, there was one very near to the crash site."
"It wasn't a crash," said Shadow sniffily. "It was a perfectly manoeuvred landing."
"Just like a perfectly manoeuvred elephant being dropped out of a skyscraper," jeered Wario.
Shadow whisked around to face the fat man, his eyes blazing. Yet as he prepared to yell at Wario, who was trying to shuffle away from him, Yoshi and Meta Knight at the same time (a feat which required a shrinking device), his anger turned to confusion.
"Turn out your pockets!" he barked.
"What? Oh no, you don't want me to do that," simpered Wario. "I haven't washed these pants since I got them, and their pockets stink like…"
"DO IT, FATTY!"
Wario hurriedly reached into his trousers and inverted the pockets. Out of the first one spilled his grubby wallet, a pile of banknotes and a few cloves of garlic. He was not lying – they really did stink.
"You cad!" exclaimed Meta Knight. "We're supposed to be pooling all our finances!"
Wario's attempt at an ingratiating grin turned Yoshi's stomach. "Well, they were just in case I needed a light snack, you know…"
"Light snack? You could buy a half-tonne banquet with that amount!"
"Other pocket, Tubbs," said Shadow.
Wario obliged; the pocket divulged a hanky so filthy a dung beetle would have been ashamed to make its acquaintance and a golden key set with a blue stone, glowing brightly through the layer of muck that now covered it. Shadow's eyes glowed in kind, and he snatched it up and examined it eagerly.
"Aha! What's this?"
"That's a SubSpace Key," said Wario, trying and failing to reclaim the object. "Give it back!"
"This is the source of the blue energy," said Shadow with a toothy smile that would make blind children cry. "What does it do?"
"Not quite sure," confessed Wario. "Ganondorf and Bowser gave them to all of the LOVE bigwigs shortly after he" (indicating Meta Knight) "flew the coop. Something about surviving when the Day of Reckoning comes, and getting into the prison…"
He stopped. Everyone had turned on him and was listening intently (Peach had to remind Pit to keep his eyes on the road). He gulped and carried on.
"Ganondorf said that these keys would allow us to survive on the Day of Reckoning, but I've got no idea about what that is or when it'll be. He also said it was the key to the Dark Prison, where all the heroes they captured during the Purges…"
("Nice use of the word 'they' there," sneered Falcon under his breath.)
"…are held. But it's no good looking at me like that, because even if I'd remembered earlier he said that everyone needs one key to get in, and there are nine of us but only eight LOVE bigwigs (well, seven and me), and that means only eight keys…"
Shadow made his harsh barking laugh again. "Believe me, I have no intention of getting myself in trouble over the safety of this miserable planet. I'm quite happy to see it burn. I'm just here to… Sonic, stop smirking. It looks like you've eaten a whole lemon."
Sonic maintained the smirk but said nothing.
"In any case," cried Wario, "We won't be able to just waltz up to the LOVE guys and say, 'Hey there, can I have your SubSpace Key, please?' And even if we could, it would take us ages to go all over the country and find all the keys! And we still wouldn't know where the prison is!" He was approaching lunacy now.
"Well, we can make an educated guess," said Sonic. He plucked out a blue spine and stuck it through the biggest purple splodge on the map.
"Eight blue marks. Eight of us. I say we split up and take one key each, and then make our ways back towards the big purple blob. Pit, stop the car for a moment so we can all gather round and look at the map."
Pit brought the vehicle to a halt while the Captain chuckled about the unintentional pun ("Pit-stop!") and Peach rolled her eyes. Then the front row clambered over their seats and they all surveyed the plan of Nintendo.
"That one's in Port Town, so I should take that one out," said Captain Falcon. "One in Hyrule, one in the Mushroom Kingdom… I'd say the princesses should take care of those, but it's dangerous for them to…"
"I'd prefer not to be patronised, Falcon," said Zelda. "With the Goddesses' help, I'm more than capable of fighting through my own kingdom without a chaperone."
"Plus no-one would ever recognise me in these rags," said Peach despondently, plucking at her khaki skirt.
"That's settled then," said Sonic. "Shadow and I will take the one near the other big purple blob…"
"Whoa whoa whoa. I thought I told you I wasn't interested in helping this planet?"
"And I thought you said you were curious about what was going on?"
Shadow gritted his teeth. Sonic sighed resignedly.
"And I'll probably need your help," he said.
"I'll think about it," Shadow grunted.
"I will go to Dreamland," said Meta Knight. "That leaves one in Smashville and one in the Pokémon territories – Sinnoh, I think."
Yoshi squeaked and pointed at himself.
"So Yoshi will go to Sinnoh," said Sonic, scratching paths out with the spine, "and that leaves…"
"Me."
The word was dropped into the conversation like a leaden weight. Pit seemed suddenly to have lost all the spark he had gained over the past month. His dyed-back hair was covering up his eye again, and he sat hunched with his arms around his legs, the very picture of misery and loneliness.
"Pit," said the Captain, "if you want any help…"
"It's okay, I'll go," said Pit with a very forced smile. "Off on my own again, wandering the world. I've always liked the idea of being the lone wolf anyway. The brooding romantic hero with the troubled past."
The others exchanged looks. When someone used the expression "lone wolf", a being of Pit's disposition would not be the first to come to mind. The same was true for "romantic hero."
"You should take the vehicle," said Zelda. "You're a better driver than Falcon already."
The Captain clenched his fists. Pit smiled weakly.
"Well, time's a-wastin'," he said with depressing mock cheerfulness. "The LOVE isn't going to defeat itself. Guess we should all dismount and say our good-byes."
He rose unsteadily like a new-born lamb and wobbled slightly as he made his way over to the door. After a few tugs he found that he did not have the strength to open it, and stood by slightly embarrassed as the Captain pulled it open with one hand. Eight of the car's occupants walked out onto the desert sand, leaving Wario still sitting in a sort of stunned haze.
"What about meee?"
o o o
"L-l-lord B-b-bowser?"
Bowser gave a snort and opened his eyes slowly. The fact that he was sitting down told him that he had been asleep in some sort of chair; that it moved when he tried to shift himself into a more comfortable position told him that it was a swivel chair; and the whining voice that woke him told him that it was the swivel chair in his office at the top of the Bowser Power Tower, a 172-story building overlooking Project Y. Its original name had been the Mushroom Tower, a name which Bowser felt lacked a certain something. That "something" was Bowser.
He pulled himself fully upright, trying to ignore the protests of his body, and looked across his desk. He could just see the top of the head of Project Y's foreman, a fawning orange dwarf of the Koopa subspecies known as Lakitu. Bowser could never remember his name.
"What do you want, you disgusting insect?" snarled Bowser, before yawning broadly. "What was so important that you had to interrupt my power-nap?"
"Th-th-there is a large black ch-ch-chariot at the t-t-tower's entrance," stammered the Lakitu. "It is d-d-drawn by two m-m-massive black horses."
Bowser was not of light build; yet now he sprang to his feet like a much sprightlier tortoise, albeit a much sprightlier tortoise suddenly fearing for its life. The thump when he landed knocked some plaster off the ceiling of the room below and into a mug of coffee being drunk by one of the office workers.
"Ganondorf?" screeched Bowser. "What are all the builders doing?"
"Th-th-they're not here yet!" screeched the Lakitu, managing to get his voice substantially higher than his master's. "You reduced their workload to four hours a day, remember? So they all come in at noon!"
The clock on Bowser's desk had its long hand pointing at the nine and its short hand inclining towards twelve. Right now, they were both sticking their middle fingers up at Bowser.
"Get them to come in now, on pain of brutal torture and death!" yelled Bowser, running for the lift. "I'll try and stall Ganondorf!"
The trip down in the lift seemed agonisingly long, to the point where Bowser was pummelling his head for not taking the stairs (all one hundred and seventy-one flights of them). He looked at himself in the lift doors and tried to make his wisp of orange hair and thick bushy eyebrows lose their bedhead quality.
A single ring of a bell told him that he had reached the lobby, and he rushed out with a smile that said less "Ganondorf, how glad I am that you're here!" and more "Ganondorf, you're swimming in my patch and now you're my lunch." Not that it mattered, for Ganondorf was nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Dragmire?" yelled a distraught Bowser at the wide-eyed receptionist.
The young Koopa Trooper was on her third day of work. She had been told that receptionist at the Bowser Power Tower was a perfect job for an attractive but overly emotional Koopa who tended towards the hysterical. Nice and peaceful. The only people who worked there were calm, civilised office workers, they had a good sexual harassment policy, and if she was lucky she might see the Koopa King. Now that she had seen him, she pointed up the stairs and burst into huge gasping sobs.
On another day, Bowser might have stayed behind to comfort her, but he knew that if he failed to stop Ganondorf things worse than shouting would happen to him. In fact, shouting would almost be a relief. It was when the green man smiled and talked quietly that bad things ensued. He ran back into the lift.
Another lift journey back to the top of the building and many flights of stairs later, the two villains finally met. Both were panting and out of breath, but Ganondorf still managed to muster up a smile. Bowser did not.
"Bowser, old fellow, good to see you," gasped the wizard. "I trust you are well?"
Bowser did his shark impression again.
"A bit exhausted, perhaps, but otherwise good, all good," he wheezed. "And yourself? How goes Hyrule?"
"As well as can be expected, I suppose. Reports about the LOL continue to circulate, and the other day I found some of my posters defaced, but I had some women and children brutally murdered to teach the populace a lesson and that was the end of that."
Bowser grimaced. He may have been a diabolical villain, but he was unable to take the same level of joy in executions as Ganondorf. The eagerness made him a bit queasy. Then again, that could have been the fear of dismemberment.
"Wouldn't that fail to teach a lesson to the men?" he asked.
"I alternate," said Ganondorf with a shrug. "It'll be men next time; then maybe some Gorons the time after. I despise discrimination. Anyway, enough of this little tête-à-tête. I said I'd come by and have a word with the workforce – well, here I am!"
"No, you said you'd have a word with them if I was having problems, and…"
"Aren't you? I had a look at the building site before I came here. There doesn't seem to be anybody about."
A knell rang in Bowser's ears.
"Well, you couldn't be expected to see anyone from the ground, could you?"
"Maybe so, Bowser, maybe so. That's why I thought it would be a good idea to have a look from your office. Floor 171, isn't it?"
Bong, bong, bong. The King is dead. Long live the King.
"Absolutely," said Bowser, his shark grin about to snap. "Would you like to see some of the offices first? I mean, this is the tallest building in world…"
"No thanks. I see enough offices back at home."
BONG, BONG, BONG.
"Oh. All right. Shall we continue to climb the stairs?"
"Bowser, if you want to I shan't stop you. I, however, have had enough fitness for one day, and shall take the lift from hereon up."
THE KING IS DEAD.
The funeral march playing in his head was interrupted by a guffawing coming from his pocket. He quickly fumbled for the mobile BowserPhone and listen to the trembling voice of the foreman on the other end.
"The w-w-workers are here, your Resplendentness, as you ordered."
LONG LIVE THE KING.
"Good to know," came the relieved response. "Yes, Ganondorf, the lift will do nicely."
o o o
The LOL stepped out into the noonday sun, which burnt down strong over the sands. The cattle skeletons and trails from burrowing sandworms told them they were still in Hyrule, but the smiling sentient cacti hinted that the Mushroom Kingdom was not far away.
There was a sort of awkward silence as they stood on the sandy scrub, knowing that soon they would be going their different ways across the world. It was especially ironic given that not two days previously, they had been brought back together from the brink of separation by the same energy signals that had landed them with this new objective. Apart from Shadow (who had decided to stand some way away) they each gave their share of the cash pool to Zelda, who divided it equally amongst the eight. Then they just stood looking awkwardly at the others. The only sounds were the cries of desert vultures and the shifting of sand under shuffling shoes.
"Do you really fantasise about having threesomes with your vehicles?" blurted out Peach.
Even Shadow looked at her in shock. Peach stood panting for a moment and staring at the Captain, before gathering herself up and trying to regain a dignified pose.
"You said it when we were back in my castle," she said.
"Pretty sure I didn't," said the Captain, looking bamboozled. Then the thunder struck. "No, I said trios! You know, like music groups? Getting together with our guitars and rocking out? That sort of thing?"
Peach's mouth hung open.
"I can see what you mean, but, well – it's a bit weird."
Peach closed her mouth, nodded and stalked off. She sat down a little distance away and played with the sand.
"Did I say something wrong?" said the Captain to the others. "Would she prefer it if I fantasised about having sex with cars? 'Cause I could try…"
"Just go and talk to her," said Zelda.
"What's a threesome?" asked Pit.
"We'll meet back here in a week," said Sonic, as the Captain walked off. "Should be long enough, assuming we can all find vehicles. If anyone takes longer than a week we'll all pile in the hovercar…" (here he was interrupted by a cough) "…except possibly for Shadow, and we'll come and find whoever's missing. If Pit brings the car back, I suppose."
Everyone nodded. Wario opened and shut his mouth several times, but could not bring himself to say anything.
o o o
"Would you prefer it if I fantasised about my cars?"
"Obviously I wouldn't," snapped Peach, not looking at the Captain as he sat down next to her. "It's sick and stupid. Really, really stupid."
The Captain remained in confused silence. He placed an experimental hand on Peach's shoulder and braced himself for the resulting slap. He was slightly surprised when it did not come.
"D'you want to… talk about it?" he tried.
"No. I don't. I just shouldn't open my mouth every again, because every time it's something stupid, or something jealous and bitchy. I mean, I know I'm not super-nice and magical like Zelda, but I'm still a good person, right? I've ruled the Mushroom Kingdom for ten years now, ever since my dad died of the Blorbs, which is only meant to infect Toads but he was half Toad so it killed him…"
The Captain sat back slightly as the waterfall of words poured out of Peach's mouth and into his ears. No woman had ever said this much to him, ever. It barrelled through his brain like an F-Zero car at top speed jumping over the track barrier and barrelling through the spectators, and his brain was left in much the same state.
"…stuck inside my own room! I can't even try and jump to safety because he's put a giant net over my balcony. I felt like a rat in a cage! And then this Snake guy shows up, and he's nice, and he gives me the stuff to escape, but then he vanishes and when we see him again he's all flirting with Zelda…"
"You know," said Captain Falcon, "I'm pretty sure he wasn't flirting with Zelda at all."
"Oh yes, because you're amazing at spotting flirting," snapped Peach, suddenly facing him with eyes full of fire. "Ha! You wouldn't know flirting if it stared you in the face!"
They stared at each other for a while.
"You know," said the Captain after a long pause, "you're cute when you're angry."
Peach's eyes softened dramatically, like toffee dropped into a saucepan. She even allowed a small smile to creep across her full lips.
"Come on," said the Captain, standing up. "Let's get back to the others before they think we're flirting."
"God forbid," sighed Peach.
o o o
"So did you manage to keep your pants on while you were talking to her?" said Sonic.
"You're so predictable," said Peach. "Just because he comes to cheer me up, you automatically assume I'm going to start flirting with him."
"Actually, I assumed he was…"
"Well, for your information, neither of us was doing any flirting. I just said something stupid and he was making me feel better. That's all. No flirting. Okay?"
There was mutual movement away from the fuming princess.
"We should really get going," said Sonic, still looking worried. "We all know what direction we're roughly heading in, right?"
There was a bit of looking about, a lot of nodding and Wario continuing to attempt to force out words that stuck in his windpipe.
"Okay!" said Sonic, wiping his eyes. "Well, it's been nice travelling with you all, and I guess we meet back near here in a week then! So see you guys later!"
"What about meee?"
The words had finally escaped Wario's throat, thin and reedy in contrast to the fat man's usual powerful baritone, and they now hung in the air as he looked with wild, desperate eyes at his companions.
"What about you?" retorted Pit.
"There are seven other keys," said Wario, "and each of you is going to get a key. That leaves me alone, doing nothing!"
Sonic furrowed his brow. It was true. He'd quite forgotten about the portly Italian.
"I guess you just get to do nothing for a bit!" he said, hoping this sounded like a good thing.
"And wander the countryside eating berries? As soon as anyone sees me, I've had it! The LOVE will pick at my bones like vultures!"
A vulture cawed for effect. Droplets were forming in the corners of the piggy eyes.
"I guess you could go with someone?" said Sonic, looking around hopefully.
"You volunteering?" asked the Captain with a smile.
"No way! He'd slow us down. Why don't you take him?"
"You crazy? The first thing I'm doing is getting the Blue Falcon back, and there's barely room in there for me, let alone Tubby McSmells. There's plenty of room with Pit in the car…"
"He threatened to tear my wings off and eat them!" protested Pit.
"Well, he's not coming with me!" said Peach. "I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with him…"
"I'll take him."
The serenity with which these three words were delivered surprised everyone.
"You sure, Zelda?" said Sonic. "I mean, you don't have to…"
"We're wasting time!" shouted Zelda. "Let's go!"
Sonic nodded, and waved to everyone. Then looking at Shadow, he sped off towards the northwest, the black hedgehog in hot pursuit. The Captain ran towards and over the border into the Mushroom Kingdom, and Peach did the same, albeit at a slower pace. Meta Knight span into a tornado and set off towards the northeast; Yoshi surrounded himself in an eggshell and rolled towards the southeast. Finally Pit, giving Zelda a parting hug and looking at Wario with an expression of distaste, clambered into the Pork Bean and set off east, in the direction they had come. Beauty and the Beast were left alone on the scrub.
"Why did you volunteer to take me?" said Wario, looking up into Zelda's soft blue eyes.
"Later, Wario," said Zelda. "For now, take my hand."
Wario clumsily took Zelda's dainty fingers in his own massive unwashed paw, being careful not to crush them. The princess' eyes glowed green and she raised her free hand to the heavens.
"Farore's Winde!"
Green flash – gone.
o o o
"Well, your speech certainly seems to have inspired the workforce," said Bowser gloomily.
"I appreciate the complement, Bowser," said Ganondorf, "although I do not feel that I deserve such flattery. The brutal disembowelling of the foreman probably had as much of an effect on the workforce morale as anything I said."
"Which reminds me – could you please wash your hands?"
"What sort of villain are you that can't stand the sight of blood? Yes, yes, all right. Where's the loo?"
"Second door on the left, and it's on your right."
Bowser watched the dark man walk down the reflective corridor with a jaunty step. The sort that usually gets his minions to do the dirty work, he thought to himself. Probably for the best that I didn't learn his name after all.
He looked at the red trail that showed Ganondorf's path. At least Mario had had the decency to jump on the Lakitus' heads. His boots fractured the skull and spine and crushed the brain instantly for a quick, comparatively painless death. There was none of the screaming and bleeding and dragging the body about, none of the "Lord Bowser, help me!" that Ganondorf had seemed to enjoy so much.
He wondered if, given another chance at Ganondorf's offer, he would have accepted it again or rejected it and gone about his everyday life. Of course, if he had refused then someone else would have taken the role – Ridley, perhaps, or Porky (who was MIA at the moment). Perhaps he would have accepted the power, then sneak-attacked Ganondorf and conquered Nintendo himself. But how do you sneak-attack the sneakiest man in the world?
All that was in the past, anyway. It was time to move on; specifically, time to move back to the castle. He had no choice but to try again. Perhaps Junior had grown strong enough now…
"Going somewhere, Bowser?" asked Ganondorf, wiping his hands on his trousers.
"Er, home," said Bowser. "Thought I'd check that Kammy's not ruining the place, see my family, that sort of thing."
"Oh, if you must," said Ganondorf. "I've never understood the appeal of family. Waste of time if you ask me. You put your life, your money, your health into rearing hideous mewling puking brats, and how do they thank you? By running off and leaving you alone in your old age."
"I love them, Ganondorf. Just because I'm a power-hungry dictator doesn't mean I can't feel love."
"You know, Bowser, every time I hear that word it reminds me what you named our little organisation, and it makes me like you that little bit less. Never bring it up in my presence again." Ganondorf strode off towards the exit.
"You must have had some experiences of love yourself," persisted Bowser. "What about your own family? What about Zelda?"
The green man paused, turned and looked Bowser in the eye. Then he titled his head back and guffawed violently for a good minute.
"A simple 'no' would have done."
1
1 And in that time there was much chaos, and there were things being created and destroyed almost constantly, and none to watch over it. 2 And then there did come forth from the depths of the chaos a form. And it was large and white, and it did take the form of a human hand, with four fingers and one thumb that was opposed unto them. 3 And it did hover amongst the chaos, battered by the forces of creation and destruction.
4 And said it then unto the chaos, "I am the physical manifestation of the creative force. I know this, because I have been created from this creative force, and because all around me is chaos, only I have been created from the creative force, making me the manifestation of it." 5 And it did say "the" with emphasis to emphasise that it was the only such manifestation of the creative force.
6 And it did reach into the chaos, and held it in its palm. And at once, the chaos within its palm was given shape, and became a small tree. 7 And then it brought forth earth, and water, and light, that the tree might grow and become tall and mighty. And it called the tree a "palm tree" after where it was made. 8 And emboldened by its success, it did create as well an entire planet, floating in the void of space, and it did put the tree on the planet. 9 And then did it say to itself, "I should have made the planet first and the tree later, really. Ah well."
10 And now that the tree was made, and the planet around it, the creative spirit did need to decide upon a name for itself. 11 And it said unto itself and all the cosmos (which was not paying attention – perhaps the TV was good that day), "I am the Master of creation, and I have taken the form of a Hand. Thus shall I be known as the Master Hand." 12 And it did chuckle at its own brilliance, and this chuckle did set off major earthquakes on several nearby planets, and many lives were lost.