Mount Coronet…
The same style of introduction was used to present Mount Moon, all the way back in Kanto; legend said by climbing it, one could reach the moon. If that legend were true, by extension Mount Coronet would have had a very real coronet of solar flares, and anyone who climbed it would have been very badly sunburnt. It was many times the height of Mount Moon, and looked out over all Sinnoh.
However, because the legends were not true, the summit of Mount Coronet was freezing and inhospitable. A perpetual blizzard made the area uninhabitable to all but the very strong or the very stupid. Snake and Yoshi were neither, and were therefore having a rough time of it.
Snake was not suffering too much. In his time as a special-forces fighter on his home planet Terra, he had spent a lot of time in cold conditions, especially the icy climes of Alaska. In addition, his uncut hair was finally showing its worth as a heat retention device. Yoshi was not so well off. He was lucky enough to have warm blood despite being a reptile, but he was nonetheless used to a tropical climate on an island that rarely if ever saw snow. Thus he shivered pathetically and moaned.
"Perhaps coming up here was an error," said Snake, hugging himself a little.
"No!" moaned Yoshi. "My p-p-people are at st-t-take! Rayquaza lives on this m-m-mountain. We just n-n-need to f-f-find it! Oh, Hands I'm hungry."
"So you've told me many times."
The wind howled and threw ice crystals in their faces that stung like midges. Pokémon looking like Wintermas trees were intermittently visible, although the ice hung so thick in the air that the duo could barely see three feet in front of their (in Yoshi's case rather sizeable) noses.
"Almost utterly alone up here," said Snake. "Away from all intelligent life, with no-one to see us when we die. When a tree falls in the forest, and no one sees it, does it fall at all? And should we two perish, here atop this mountain, will it matter in the long term? Or will we be just two more specks of dust the universe wipes out of her eye…?" He stood still for a moment and stared into the snow.
"Oh y-y-yes, very comforting," said Yoshi. "If I w-w-wanted to be that depressed I'd have b-b-borrowed Pit's m-m-music player… Hm. P-p-p-peculiar. Remain st-t-tationary for one second."
Snake had no intention of doing anything else, and swayed slowly in the depths of his own mind. Yoshi held his nose in the air and sniffed: first a couple of short sniffs, and then a long deep one that inhaled some ice and made him splutter a bit.
"What is it?" asked Snake, emerging from his reverie.
"S-s-something evil this way c-c-c-comes."
"Hello!"
The outlines of two figures, one slim and one broader, were barely visible through the blizzard. Their shadows advanced through the ice, until the broader one started to glow red and a jet of flame cut through the icy curtain. The fire snaked around the startled duo, forming a broad ring around them that cut off their way back. On the other hand, it was significantly warmer now.
"Good to see you again," said the boy in red, now fully visible. "I must applaud you for the way you took care of that brainless dunce on the train. Tell me, buddy – was it satisfying to snap the neck of a Pokémon?"
"Felt great," said Snake, as chilled as the mountaintop. "Now let us past, unless you want to know how it felt first-hand."
"Back off, tiger!" said the boy. "Only Pokémon are allowed to fight in a Pokémon battle."
As the implied challenge registered with Snake's brain, the look of dawning comprehension was replaced by one of teeth-gritting horror. Snake's "Pokémon" consisted of Yoshi – the balls on the boy's belt suggested that he owned at least two monsters in addition to the thickly built orange dragon that stood next to him, gently spewing flames and looking hungrily at Yoshi. Yoshi just looked hungry.
"Seriously? A Pokémon battle? Up here? Now?"
"You should be more grateful!" crowed the trainer. "Not many people get the chance to face off against the Pokémon Champion!"
And that started the wheels a-turnin'. Snake had an IQ of 180 and the ability to think on his feet, and combined with what little he had seen of the Pokémon culture and what he had just heard it was not long before he came up with a contradiction, subtle but glaringly obvious once seen.
"You're the Pokémon Champion," he said slowly.
"The very best," replied the boy with a smirk. "Like no-one ever was. Call me Red."
Snake inhaled deeply, almost spoiling the effect by choking on ice.
"Suppose you're telling the truth. Then you would be pretty angry at the LOVE, seeing as they stole your Pikachu and all. You certainly wouldn't have told Waluigi that a member of the LOL and I were on the same train as him, but since I have no proof that you did I'll leave it to one side."
Red straightened out of his cocky slouch, his grin reduced a tiny bit.
"Now, as I understand it, the Pokémon Champion is the best trainer in one or more of the Pokémon countries – i.e. he's pretty damn good. He gets there not just because he trains hard, but also because he shares a strong bond with his Pokémon. It's definitely the sort of bond that would allow him to tell his Pikachu apart from any other Pikachu, although probably not deep enough to tell if it was a clone made by the LOVE or not."
Red twisted his cap between his hands. His smile was a shadow of its former self.
"And supposing you were the Pokémon Champion, if you saw your Pikachu on the train, not knowing it was actually a clone (and you wouldn't, because how could you?) and being used by the LOVE, your first response would be to defy all authority to get it back, because it's your partner, your friend. What you wouldn't do is just watch the battle and look vaguely amused. And you certainly wouldn't have let me get clean away after apparently murdering it. Not unless you knew it was a clone, because…"
"…because I am a clone myself?"
Red's eyes shone blue against the white. There was something manic about his smile, something inhuman. His hands flew to his belt, withdrew his Pokéballs and tossed them forward.
"Squirtle, Ivysaur, Charizard!" he cried into the wind. "Destroy them both!"
One ball revealed a small blue tortoise. The second spat forth a scaly turquoise hippo, bearing a part-opened bulb upon its back. Between the two, Charizard stomped forward, belching fire. Then the three flew at the two, while the one laughed manically at the gale.
"Brilliant deductive reasoning, Snake," said Yoshi, "but what do you suggest we do now?"
"Hadn't got round to that part," shouted Snake, rushing headlong into the fray.
He and Ivysaur were the first to engage. The bluish hippo aimed its bulb at Snake and blasted forward seeds that stung every bit as hard as Yoshi's. In the meanwhile, two vines emerged from below the bulb and swiped at Snake's legs, forcing the man to play a complicated game of hopscotch while simultaneously swatting the buzzing projectiles away.
Yoshi was beset upon by both Squirtle and Charizard at once. The tortoise retreated into its shell and span at the dinosaur's feet, while Charizard inhaled and blew an asterisk of fire towards its quarry. Without missing a beat, Yoshi jumped onto Squirtle and landed neatly on its back, skating over the melting snow away from the flames. Surfing off a slight rise in the slush, he kicked the shell directly at Charizard, who blocked it with a massive boulder it seemed to have withdrawn from hammerspace.
Snake finally caved in to the trials of avoiding flying seeds and skipping over Ivysaur's tendrils; he slipped on the slush and landed flat on his back. The monster's vines immediately wrapped around his body and hoisted Snake onto his feet. Snake looked into the reptile's cyan eyes.
"Another one," he sighed. "Figures."
The vines, strong despite their width, picked him up and smashed him into the snow. He was then winded by Squirtle, who fell hard from the sky in its shell and bounced back towards Charizard. The dragon was engaged in chasing Yoshi around the arena, while the dinosaur desperately threw droppings in an attempt to maintain his distance.
Snake was hosted to his feet once more and thrown into a slushdrift. Plucking himself out, he gratefully gasped at the icy air until a razor-sharp leaf buried itself in his back. Yelling in pain, he turned to see an entire squadron of keen-edged foliage hissing through the hail towards him. He hit the deck, and once more found himself face down in the sludge as the leaves flew over him and Ivysaur charged.
Yoshi was in a much worse state. Slightly scorched and with fragments of rock embedded in his skin, he was now being pushed back towards the blazing barrier by Squirtle, who was shooting a jet of water from its mouth. Charizard stood behind the tortoise, smirking.
"Why did you leave all your explosives back at the cave?" Yoshi yelled.
Snake's hand flew on reflex to his pocket, searching for grenades. Of course, he found none – but…
"What have I got in my pocket?"
By now the hippo-lizard was almost on him, snarling slightly as it pushed forwards. Though it did not bleed, Snake saw all over it the marks made by the blizzard, and noticed the slightly laboured breath that suggested a loss of stamina. As its large head neared him, Snake lashed out with his free hand. The strike numbed his fist, but the plant monster was knocked back and panted. Getting unsteadily to his feet on the slippery surface, Snake withdrew his hand from his pocket.
"What are you doing with that?" said "Red".
"What d'you think?"
It had been a gift from Lucario when he had first regained consciousness. The old Pokémon had recognised in Snake the same determination and disregard for rules that his old master had possessed, before he had tried to put a stop to the LOVE-run mining operation and protect the Pokémon living near their home. It was the trainer's first and last run-in with Pokémon that attacked humans, and Lucario had barely escaped with his life. He had kept his old Poké Ball as a memento, before passing it onto the man in which he saw vestiges of his former owner.
Time to live up to the man's memory, Snake thought, tossing the sphere at the stunned Ivysaur. On contact, it opened and sucked up the Pokémon in a flash of red light.
"Hey!" shouted Red. "You're not allowed to catch other trainers' Pokémon!"
"Rich of you to preach about the rules," said Snake.
Red gestured with his hand. Squirtle halted the aquatic assault on Yoshi and dashed towards the shaking Poké Ball, but was sent flying back by a punt from Snake. As the latter approached the Poké Ball, it ceased its movement. Ivysaur was caught.
Red let out a howl of anguish. "Get him, Charizard!"
The dragon turned away from Yoshi and roared at Snake. In retrospect, that was foolish, as Charizard found out when the dinosaur's tongue wrapped around its leg and tugged. Meanwhile, Snake tossed the Poké Ball almost lazily towards the Red clone, now lacking his cap and looking even more manic than before. Ivysaur emerged, looking disoriented and confused.
"So, let's review the situation," said Snake. "Cloneizard is face down in the snow with a Yoshi on its neck, Clonetle has been kicked into the fire and Cloneysaur is now under my command." He smiled. "Oops."
"Ivysaur, don't listen to him!" wailed Red, trying to step backwards but prevented by the wall of fire.
Ivysaur looked at the ground sadly. It was a Project Z clone, yes, but it was a Pokémon first and foremost. As such, it was bound to obey the orders of the trainer who had caught it, even if it had been taken from another trainer; under the current administration, even if those orders meant killing its original owner.
Snake dramatically extended his right index finger towards the cowering boy and yelled into the wind.
"Ivysaur, Razor Leaf!"
o o o
At the very top of Mount Coronet, above the clouds and the blizzards, the air was calm and the sky a vast and empty void. A long time ago, someone had built an impressive structure here, and the shattered stone pillars still remained. Snake and Yoshi, accompanied by the bulky form of Charizard and the gently smouldering embers it spat, walked amazed through the ancient stonework.
"How tragic, that this should all lie forgotten here," murmured Snake. "Maybe this is what will happy to all of our intelligent races – humans, Yoshis, Toads, Pokémon; some day all our efforts will be swept aside by nature, without so much as a 'by your leave', and the art, the culture, the civilisation will end up in the dustbin of the universe…"
"It's oddly warm up here, don't you think?" interrupted Yoshi quickly.
"So it is," said Snake, looking confusedly around him. "Huh. Well, I guess you can go join the others."
Charizard looked at Snake, its sparkling blue eyes submissive and oddly gentle. Then it bowed its head, turned and spread its wings. With a few heavy flaps, it was airborne and soaring back down the mountain.
"Why didn't you kill the clones with their trainer?" asked Yoshi.
"Didn't have the heart," Snake replied. "Once they saw Reddy Boy cut up, they looked as if they barely wanted to live anyway."
Apart from the faraway rushing of the wind on the lower slopes, their echoing footsteps were the only sound against the still mountain air. Yoshi, feeling even more alone out here, shivered despite the warmth and slowly edged towards Snake, who strode forwards without noticing. The pillars got closer together as they climbed the crumbling steps.
"Those don't look ancient," said Snake, pointing.
A large stone needle jabbed into the sky, flanked by two massive statues. On the right was a bipedal figure with a long neck and beefy limbs, seemingly carved out of pinkish marble that shimmered in the high afternoon sun. On the left was a heap of dark blue metal, all points and sharp edges, seemingly a modern sculpture of a large dog. Both were over twice the height of Snake, and both wore jagged red rings around their necks.
"Rayquaza!" Yoshi cried out into the sunlight. "Show yourself!"
Nothing changed. Nothing moved. All was still and silent as the grave.
"Probably doesn't understand Yoshi," pointed out Snake.
Yoshi was on the verge of agreeing when he caught sight of the cyan glow around the metal statue. The air around it shimmered light blue, and the stonework beneath it seemed to grow old and decay to dust in a second. At the same time, the marble statue was shrouded in purple, and the stone around it twisted and distorted smoothly. The glows slowly extended towards the pair in the middle, who looked on in astonishment.
"It's always purple and cyan," said Yoshi distastefully. "Why did the LOVE choose colours that clash so badly?"
o o o
All was calm. Bird Pokémon twittered merrily in the afternoon sun, soaking up the rays and supping at the lake water. The sunlight was filtered through the trees, their leaves barely moving in the gentle wind. In the lake itself, fish Pokémon swam serenely through the crystal blue of the water, snapping up any small insects hapless enough to alight on the surface. Nothing but peace and quiet (except if one was an insect) was visible for miles around. In particular, there was a visible lack of mountaintops, odd statues or seven-metre-long serpents.
Snake and Yoshi lay amidst the green blades for a moment, rubbing their heads and trying to comprehend what had happened to them. Snake's mind, quick though it was, was on this occasion second to Yoshi's, which although it failed to understand the entirety of the situation immediately grasped the important details.
"Berries!"
Scaring several birds with his approach, the dinosaur thundered towards a grove of trees bearing multicoloured fruits. With a leap into the air, he joyfully wrapped his tongue around the top of one small tree, withdrawing several berries with it. His smile as the rainbow of juices trickled down his chin was broad as the lake itself. Snake had not eaten properly for a while, and found it difficult not to follow suit.
"Are you out of your mind?" he said, resisting the urge. "This is some trick of Rayquaza's! Some illusion to make us…"
"Really tasty for an illusion," said Yoshi, eyeing up his next tree.
Snake tore his eyes from the berries, propped himself up and scanned the clearing, hoping for a glimpse of Rayquaza. His hopes thwarted, he stumbled down to the water's edge and stared into the glimmering water. Its surface remained undisturbed. A large red fish leapt out of the lake to gargle hello and landed on the bank, where it flopped uselessly. Snake kicked it back in out of pity.
"It's not in the lake," Yoshi called over.
"How do you know?"
"Because it's in the air."
Snake turned to see the giant toothy serpent bearing down on him, mouth outstretched and its rudder-like fins pulled into its body. He lay flat on the ground and the dragon just passed over his head, its tail still catching him a stinging blow on the back as it flew. Yoshi ran to him and helped him up as Rayquaza, curling itself up and crossing its stubby arms, glared at the two of them with malevolent yellow eyes.
"How you two worms get here?" it roared. "How you find secret lake?"
"Hoping you could tell us," said Snake, wincing slightly. "Something to do with your statues, maybe?"
"Useless Weedles," snorted Rayquaza. "I take care of you myself!"
The remaining birds flew chirruping from the trees as the titan bellowed into the sky. It coiled itself up like a spring and charged again, less effectively this time – Yoshi jumped clean over its head, while Snake ducked and rolled into the safety of the lake. He emerged spitting water.
"You not bad," said Rayquaza, nodding. "Especially you, snakey man. You fast and strong. Why not you join us?"
"I would rather cut off one of my own testicles. With a grenade."
Rayquaza snarled. "But surely you appreciate value of strength! You has it. LOVE favours the strong, punishes the weak. Whole world becomes like Pokémon!"
"With all due respect, fuck off and die, you giant green maggot."
Rayquaza's eyes glistened, and Snake found himself hurled from the water by a sudden explosion. He landed heavily on the bank. Meanwhile Yoshi bombarded the serpent with his eggs, but Rayquaza swiped him away with its tail as if he were a slow fat bluebottle.
"This is the way Pokémon works," said Rayquaza. "Strong beat weak, weak train until they become stronger. Otherwise keep getting beaten. That what LOVE wants to bring. That what I want to bring! Weak humans get beaten, and become stronger or die! That SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST!"
"I guess that explains the raping laws," said Snake, rushing towards the serpent. "But then why are you still alive? 'Cause you're plug-ugly."
Rayquaza spat a ball of glowing energy that Snake dodged with difficulty. This was followed by a plethora of thunderbolts aimed at both heroes, which also caused several fish to float to the lake's surface smelling a bit crispy.
"Weakness unacceptable! Evolution only happens because of strong things! I help it along! You should be glad, but yet you fight against me! Well fine! You strong, but you like pathetic Weedles before me!"
He grasped Snake in his hand, and held the man kicking and struggling above the ground.
"You first, snakey man! Then your green thing!"
"Watch your tongue, lanky!"
"What's that?" said Snake, pointing at the ground.
Rayquaza turned. Snake attempted to escape while the dragon was distracted, but its grip was firm. Its other hand picked up off the floor a small brown furry caterpillar with a large purple nose and spikes on its head and tail, looking exceptionally disgruntled.
"How appropriate!" roared Rayquaza, with a growl approaching a laugh. "This a Weedle! It dregs of the Pokémon world! Tiny, weak, puny animal!"
"With poison stingers," added Yoshi. "It must have been disturbed by the fight."
"Now you see why I call you 'Weedles'!" boomed Rayquaza. "Watch as… OW!"
The tiny insect had stabbed its tail spike deep into Rayquaza's finger. As it stared defiantly up at the tyrant, the area around the miniscule wound, which had barely even managed to penetrate the dragon's scales, was turning an unhealthy shade of purple.
"How ironic," said Yoshi.
The dragon gave a howl of frustrated anguish and tossed the Weedle into the lake. The purple shade started to slowly creep up Rayquaza's arm, while its face changed slowly from dark green to light, sickly chartreuse.
"I suppose," said Snake, "that this is indicative of 'the weak'. Most of the time they seem powerless, pathetic, until they're pushed into a corner; it's then that they rise, and push back against their oppressors. Thus may the weak become the strong if…"
"Not now, Snake, please!" yelled Yoshi.
Rayquaza, looking as though it wanted to heave, rose off the ground with Snake still clutched in its fist. Yoshi grabbed its tail with his tongue as it took off, but he was yanked off his feet and dragged vertically upwards, faster and faster.
"Stupid Weedle poison me, maybe," said Rayquaza against the rushing air. "But when I finish with you, I eat berries. They cure the poison."
"Pretty sure Yoshi ate all those," said Snake, struggling ineffectually.
Rayquaza howled again, this time weaker. Yet still it continued to build vertical speed, Yoshi clinging on for dear life. As Snake started to wonder whether the air was getting thinner, it did an about-turn, its tail flicking Yoshi up into the stratosphere with a cry, and started travelling equally quickly downwards.
"Fine then," it said, looking straight at its captive and a bit like it was going to vomit on him. "I get poisoned by Pokémon attack, I faint. I unconscious for a bit. But first, I slam you into ground and you die! Hard!"
Snake looked behind himself. It was a mistake. Suddenly, he felt as green as Rayquaza.
"You blow up people with your mind, eh? Do it, snakey man! I like to see you try!"
"Wish granted!"
Rayquaza felt the impact hit the back of its head and slipped smoothly into unconsciousness, wearing a confused expression. It was not, of course, a psychic explosion. It was just Yoshi slamming down hard. But the dragon would never know this, hurtling as it now was headfirst towards the ground.
Of course, this left Snake and Yoshi plummeting towards the lake shore at upwards of their terminal velocities, and the senseless Rayquaza was not going to absorb enough of the impact to save them both from certain death. As the wind roared in their ears and Snake tried to clamber up the serpent's vertical body, what they needed was divine intervention. A deus ex machina. Help from above.
And, as it happened…
o o o
It stood alone, watching.
For countless millennia it had watched over the progress of the planet and its beings, above all the Pokémon. Myths that it created the world, or even the universe? Fiction. But myths that it was the "Original One", the first of all Pokémon, possibly even the creator of all Pokémon? Unproven, but not disproved. Certainly, from its spot on high whence it looked out over all the world, its attention was most commonly fixed upon the regions in which the Pokémon lived. Now, it concentrated on the falling form of Rayquaza with its two panicking riders – Snake still attempting to climb towards the beast's tail, and Yoshi clinging to the head and screaming.
Its heart was a compassionate one, and it was with great difficulty and enormous suffering that it watched over the wrongs of the world without interfering. After all, it was up to the beings of the world to make their own decisions without interference. But now it considered. The fates of the great serpent, lord of the air (albeit misguided in recent times), and two of the planet's greatest heroes, not to mention (possibly) liberators of the entire planet, hung in the balance. And after over a year of watching on as humans and monsters alike were abused by the greatest threat the Pokémon nations had known in centuries, its infinite patience was wearing thin.
It would be so easy to pull them out of their deadly dive. It had but to stretch out one of its thousand arms and pull them to safety. On the other hand, it maintained a policy of strictly observing, but on the other other hand who would observe the observer? Only the fallers and its representatives knew where they were. On the other other other hand…
A sudden disturbance attracted its attention. It observed a large blue quadruped emerging through a rift in space and speeding up the time frames of the fallers, so that they hit the ground at what seemed like a pathetic speed to them but left quite a crater. Then Snake and Yoshi were dragged by their saviour back through the rift in time and emerged atop Mount Coronet.
Arceus relaxed. Thank itself for delegation.
o o o
Yoshi panted desperately, holding his massive head off the rock with his stubby arms. Snake stared at the giant indigo quadruped and the white and pink tyrannosaur, looking down at them with red eyes surprisingly soft given their hosts' size and savage appearances. The purple and cyan glows remained, slightly less intense now.
"What's going on?" said Yoshi, looking up timidly.
"I think these two creatures are… grateful to us?"
Looking behind them, close to the needle, the remains of two red rings lay, looking already dusty and thousands of years old.
"These must be Dialga and Palkia, the Pokémon that control time and space," said Yoshi. "Said to be created directly by the original one, Arceus, thousands of years ago. Rayquaza must have been controlling them through..."
He stopped, stood up and span around quickly. Then he swung his heavy head down onto the masonry. There was an elastic "boing" sound as the large nose impacted with the stone that made Snake flinch.
"The key!" Yoshi shouted. "We came all this way for it, and now the only being who knows where it is lies unconscious on the shores of a lake only accessible by warping through space and time! Of all the stupid, idiotic things to…" And down went the head again, and again, and again, making the "boing" noise every time, until a large steel muzzle prodded him in the back.
Turning round, Yoshi looked into the scarlet eyes of Dialga, timidly pushing a small golden key with a forepaw that could have crushed it easily. Meanwhile Palkia crossed its arms and twisted jaws not designed for smiling into as much of a grin as it could manage, beaming bright purple. Yoshi could only gape as he held the glowing object in his four-fingered hands, as if it were so fragile that a single touch at the wrong angle could shatter it. Then he threw himself at the metal beast.
"Thank you," said Yoshi, tears in his reptile eyes. "Thank you both!"
Snake had felt the joy of the moment of incomplete victory too often, and with too many about-turns afterwards, to lose himself in the moment as Yoshi did, and instead stared pensively into the sky. After the dinosaur had embraced Palkia's left leg with the same intensity, wiping off tears that glittered in the bright sun, Snake gently removed the key from Yoshi's hand and put it deep in his pocket.
"Remember, this is only step one," he said. "From what you've told me, we now need to take the SubSpace Key back to Hyrule Field, meet up with the others and enter the Dark Prison…" He pondered for a minute. "Couldn't we use these Pokémon's abilities to end the LOVE straight away? One can stop time, and the other can distort space. With their help, we could do anything!"
Yoshi shook his head sadly. "I would dearly love to free my people using Dialga and Palkia's might, but no. Their abilities beyond standard attacks are limited to the Pokémon regions."
Snake nodded. That would have been too easy. But…
"Couldn't we at least sort out the Pokémon regions?" he asked.
Yoshi's open expression was replaced by staring at the sky, and then the broad grin that usually accompanied the discovery of fruit.
"I don't see why not."
o o o
Time passes.
Unless one stops it, of course, and while the legendary Pokémon and their rescuers travelled across Sinnoh, Kanto, Johto and Hoenn via Palkia's space warps Dialga did just that. Being a direct creation of the Original One and therefore immensely powerful, it could maintain this state of stasis for as long as necessary, allowing Snake and Yoshi to travel, sleep and eat without any threat of LOVE attack.
And they did a lot of all three. Yoshi did enough eating for the whole group, specifically making a diversion to Celadon City's famous All-You-Can-Eat Café and reducing their pudding selection to three chocolate cakes that had no fruit content and a vat of custard. He also took plenty of naps, as did Snake, who could feel old age creeping up on him. In between, they travelled all over the Pokémon countries and with time unfrozen they sampled the delights of them all.
They went to Kanto and took some time to admire the beautiful waterways of Cerulean City, and go surfing in the south. They went to Johto and watched Pokémon competing in the Pokéthlon, the monsters jumping, kicking and running their little hearts out. They went to Hoenn and Lilycove City, sunbathing on the sun-kissed beach Captain Falcon had been chased away from and enjoying the talents of his masseuse, now looking a bit worn but still beautiful. Then they returned to Sinnoh and went skiing in its frozen north, while the Pokémon that looked like Wintermas trees plodded through the snowstorm. After Mount Coronet's summit, it seemed almost tropical.
In between, they set about taking the LOVE down a notch. They would go to LOVE bases, creep in with time stopped and have the legendary Pokémon mess up the place with their powerful attacks. They would rip down LOVE speakers or propaganda posters, or graffiti on them in a manner Pit would have approved of. They would find male trainers about to assault or assaulting females and strip them naked, shave their heads and stand them in the town square. Then they would unfreeze time, find televisions and watch in amusement as the LOVE-friendly newsreaders worked themselves into a panic about the "catastrophic events" that kept occurring.
Eventually, when four nations were thrown into disarray and they had experienced the best features of each, they acknowledged that it was time to go home. There was a brief panic when they discovered that Snake had lost the SubSpace Key (fortunately it had been left in a Lilycove hotel and not dropped in the snow of northern Sinnoh), but that accomplished they bid their farewells to the legendary Pokémon, who left them in the clearing at Mount Moon not three days after they had first set off from there. Snake gathered up his explosives, and after an emotional farewell with Lucario and Jigglypuff they bade the still unconscious forms of Mewtwo and the small Pichu farewell and began their journey back towards Hyrule Field, their mission accomplished.
And time passes.
Except when it doesn't.
3
1 And it came to pass that, in between being beaten up by the various heroes that all seemed to find the Gate of Souls somehow, the Master Hand did look down upon the world it had created. 2 And it did say unto no one in particular, "In my world there is much creation and destruction – yea, and maybe even more destruction than creation. 3 But I am a creative spirit, not a destructive one! I need someone I can delegate the supervision of destruction to."
4 And it did ponder this problem for a while, and realised that lo, it was a creative spirit, and therefore it could create a destructive one! And the people rejoiced and were glad, or they would have been had they known about it. 5 Thus did the Master Hand take the chaos and destructive energy, and it did fashion it into a being very much like itself, only a left hand instead of a right. And it looked upon it with its no eyes, and saw that it was good, albeit mad as a sack of ferrets. 6 And it said, "You are my left hand, and as a spirit of destruction you are a bit touched. Thus you shall be known as the Crazy Hand." 7 And the Crazy Hand replied thus: "Bibble."
8 And the Master Hand put the Crazy Hand in charge of all destructive forces that existed, which basically involved looking at Nintendo and making funny noises. 9 And the Master Hand did say, "Lo, now that I have brought forth the Crazy Hand, we can work together to smack those stupid heroes that persist in invading my home. That'll teach 'em."
10 And so did the heroes continue to come through the gate at intervals, and the Hands worked together to win their battles. And the heroes did beat them both up at the same time. 11 And the Hands did swear and argue and blame each other and generally get pretty ticked off.