Sue Sylvester patiently explained, "Sergei, your job is to design that search engine of yours so it will measure exactly which pictures are most drooled over and to send me that list. My job is not to destroy you. At least, if you get me that list today." She listened for a moment to Brin's protests and then cut him short. "Sorry, Sergei, my motto is 'Do be evil.'" She hung up and returned to the copy of Most Beautiful People 2010 and printouts of similar lists.
"Owes me," she muttered as she ticked off a name. "I have photographs." Another check mark. "I have his mother hostage." Another name. She leaned back after a while and sighed in satisfaction. "Twenty is a good round number. Sue Sylvester, you are a pure genius."
Later, she noted in her diary. "I have again demonstrated my capacity for treating others as mere pawns in my manipulations as I continue to ensure that Hobbit and Porcelain do not interfere with my plans or cause themselves or each other the kind of trauma that leads to unnatural disasters like Oprah. How ever did I get to be so awesome? Tomorrow, I shall continue to destroy Will Schuester in the same way that Vesuvius destroyed Pompeii. Red-hot lava shall engulf that ridiculous fungus that he calls hair."
Three days later.
As he approached Kurt's room, Blaine heard a voice with a distinct Chinese accent shouting, "Why did you break up with me, Kurt? Was I not tall enough for you?" He blinked several times. Sure enough, it was Yao Min shaking the handle of Kurt's door.
The basketball player was surrounded by 19 other men, all shouting variations on the same theme. "Why are you hiding from me?" "Kurt, I can change!" "Kurt, I can't live without you!" Blaine recognized each and every one as a famous singer, actor, or simply gorgeous body. He wondered for a moment if he'd wandered into a paparazzo's dream of the perfect Christmas present, given how wildly they were shouting and begging for Kurt to come out and re-establish their relationship. He didn't want to admit that part of the image might have snuck into one or two of his own dreams, that is, dreams before he met Kurt.
That reminded him that as pleasant as the sight was, and as much as he enjoyed the way that Kurt made life that much more interesting, he did want to get to talk to Kurt about their new duet. And not just in the euphemism. "Hey, guys? The paparazzi are coming...and the light here is making your complexions look terrible."
Channing Tatum looked nervously over his shoulder. "But...Sue said that if we didn't, she'd..."
Blaine rolled his eyes. He should have known. "It's all right. I'll explain to Sue that you did a great job, exactly what she asked, and that in fact, you did such a great job that she's..." Blaine stopped to think of something that would cover the concept of Sue being satisfied with anything other than herself or her Cheerios. "She's releasing you from your obligations."
The men swarmed off, yelling in relief. Blaine knocked on Kurt's door. "Kurt? They're gone."
Kurt opened the door, smiling a bit sheepishly. "You know, before you, that would have been my perfect dream."
"And now?" Blaine had a very healthy ego, thank you very much, but he still wanted to hear the answer. He didn't even mind that Kurt didn't use words."
Later, they called Sue Sylvester.
"Porcelain, I'm going to explain it quite simply. Trouble and complications follow you like a trail of oil follows Will Schuester's hair. Between us, if Halliburton and KBR ever see that trail, they're going to invade his head faster than my wrath can seek out its target and that, I assure you, is very, very fast.
"My point is that if you and Hobbit Boy can survive the worst that my imagination can throw at you, you'll be fine."
"Uh, Sue, thanks, I guess, but we don't really need-"
"It's not about what you need, Porcelain, but what I want. Always has been, always will be."
Kurt hung up after Sue and turned to Blaine. "Her heart's in the right place. I mean, it's somewhere in her chest. Probably."
"Kurt? Could you not talk about Sue? I really, really want to change the subject."