AN:

Updates for this fic just stood stagnant for a while at about two paragraphs each until I realized I was doing it all wrong. ;-) It's taking a different twist now, based on the full exposure that I bet kids at Dalton get to Greek mythology.

It's specifically the Labors of Hercules, except it's really the Labors of Kurt and Blaine, as Sue continues to interfere, mostly for her own amusement, partly for her to get free labor, but also to make sure that Blaine and Kurt are truly devoted to one another. Hope you enjoy!

"Hello?" Blaine Anderson was fairly sure that he hadn't named any of his contacts The Rightful Ruler of the World. But then, having Chemistry as the last period of the day and Wes (who possessed infinite curiosity, no sense of self-preservation, and the clumsiest hands in the continent) as a lab partner meant that he could never trust his perceptions until he'd left the science building. Sometimes even not then.

"Son of Hair Gel?" If he hadn't recognized Sue Sylvester's voice, he would have recognized her from the first words. "Just thought you should know I've kidnapped Porcelain." He blinked for a moment, confused by her conversational tone, and blinked even more at hearing Kurt in the background saying, "I'm fairly certain that the Food Court at the mall is not a standard kidnapper's hideout."

"Er..." In all the movies he'd seen about kidnapping, during the ransom call, you were supposed to keep the kidnappers on the line as long as possible, but then, since he knew the kidnapper, the location, and that the kidnappee was well and snarking, he figured that just expressing confusion was at least being honest and forthright, if not showing off the extensive vocabulary that Dalton was supposed to instill in its students.

"If you want him back-"

"You could just pick me up at the Food Court-"

"Be quiet, Porcelain, or I won't let you give me a facial product tutorial."

Blaine could imagine Kurt shutting up at the prospect. In fact, he was pretty sure he heard Kurt's mouth snap shut with a pop.

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, if you want Porcelain back, you have to complete a task for me."

"Uh, yes?" Let's hope I do better than this on the vocabulary part of the SAT. Or at least that Sue Sylvester has nothing to do with the SAT.

"You're going to have to capture a lion."

"Any lion? Or is there a specific one you have in mind?" Am I actually getting used to Sue Sylvester? I'm feeling pure, concentrated relief that it's only one lion that she wants me to capture. And I'm not even wondering if I'm still too close to the science building.

"It's my neighbor's."

If he were Sue's neighbor, he might get a lion out of self-defense, Blaine decided. He then heard Kurt say, "Coach Sylvester, it is not-"

"Leaving now, no tutorial, is that what you want? IS IT, Porcelain? Huh?"

"No." Kurt's voice was nearly in dog-whistle territory.

"So just capture the lion, get it out of my apartment, get it back to Ms. Nemea, and you'll get Porcelain back."

To think that when David and Wes had asked what his plans for that evening were, he'd said that he was planning to chill, maybe read a bit, maybe not, depending on what he felt like. Hah. Thinking "Hah" didn't express it quite enough, so he said it out loud. "Hah."

At least on the way to Lima he was able to make up a song. It wasn't exactly polished, but he'd be able to get his voice down deep for the two syllables that ended each verse, and really let it rip during the bridge.

Kurt, my lovely snarking counter-tenor,
Better looking than most men or
Women.

I'm out hunting for a lion
Though I thought it was just an ion
From Wes.

At the orders of Sue Sylvester
Who really knows how to pester
People.

What a dapper man won't do for the man that he adores,
He'll go hunting a lion, crawling on all fours,
His love is gonna find you, it'll open all the doors
That stand between us, he will fight all the wars.

Because he's going to rescue you from Sue Sylvester,
She might make you wear some polyester
For my fashion god that wouldn't be a joke or a jest or
Anything but a wound that would fester.

So that's why I am driving,
To Lima for a conniving
Cheer coach.

Now I'm passing a police car,
You've really made my life by far
Bizarre.

When he got to Sue's apartment building, he used his phone to research whether hair gel was a lion repellant. Wikipedia was disgustingly uninformative and sadly, in a general internet search, he found that Rule 34 applies even to lions wearing hair gel.

There weren't any police there, there wasn't a nervous crowd (which had to be strange for Sue's neighborhood, maybe she'd kidnapped Kurt straight from school?), and he didn't even hear any roaring. Maybe the lion had gone home after finding only protein shakes at Sue's?

He very cautiously opened the door to Sue's apartment. She had earlier boasted that she didn't need to lock it because sheer terror kept any intruders away. If only this lion were the Cowardly Lion...

"Mrah?"

Blaine looked down. A ginger tabby had emerged from under the sofa and was winding itself around his feet. It looked up at him and repeated, "Mrah?" and purred as it left a few pounds of hair against his dark pants. He cautiously scooped up the tabby and investigated the tag on its collar.

The tag read "Leo." There were initials right below that. "B. Nemea," and right below that, a phone number. Putting the purring cat on the counter, he pulled his phone out again and called the number.

"Ms Nemea? I'm calling from Sue Sylvester's apartment. It looks like your cat got in."

"Leo? Oh, the naughty boy, he does love to go visit the neighbors. I'll come get him right away, the silly thing."

As he hung up, he heard a sudden crackle coming from the living room. There was a bank of monitors on the wall and Sue's face appeared on all of them. Real nightmare fodder. "Well done, Curls."

"Uh, that was the lion?"

"So I exaggerated a little. I'm larger than life, so sue me. Except, of course, that suing me would be a terrible idea. You've fulfilled your part of the bargain and so I'm actually going to surprise you and fulfill mine. I'll let Porcelain give me a tutorial on facial care, he'll be willing to leave then, so the kidnapping will be officially over." She paused. "Just remember. I'm watching you." The monitors all turned off.

"Mrah?"

"I couldn't agree more," Blaine answered the cat.