§5 Greed
"I expect you have some questions to ask me."
Wario wanted to say, "Nah, what made you think that?" but somehow Zelda's elegance and serenity prevented him from being sarcastic. All the same, it was a bit of a stupid question. Zelda, a beautiful graceful princess, had chosen to take him, a smelly rude ex-LOVE member, with her on her journey to Hyrule to find a SubSpace Key. She had just warped him using magic to what appeared to be an abandoned village, complete with dilapidated houses and sand-strewn alleys and swinging signs that creaked in the breeze, and was now asking if he had any questions. Start small.
"Why didn't you just use Far… Faro…"
"Farore's Winde to escape from my room in Hyrule Castle, you mean?" said Zelda. "Ganondorf knows about that particular spell. He installed magic shields in the room. It resulted in me hitting the wall quite hard." She rubbed the back of her head experimentally.
Wario nodded. If Yoshi had been here, he would have known how it felt.
"And where…?"
"A small village, hidden from prying eyes in Eastern Hyrule. Nobody comes here any more, so it's a safe location for training."
Halfway through the nod, Wario checked himself. "Training?"
Zelda started to walk away. Despite the fact that her long skirt was as old, as filthy and as moth-eaten as his own disguise, when Zelda walked she could have been on a catwalk modelling an haute couture dress. It just somehow seemed to work on her. Wario, waddling on his stubby legs to keep up, burned with jealousy. Nothing seemed to work on him.
"Wario," said Zelda, "what would you like most in the world?"
COINS NOTES JEWELS TREASURE MONEY POWER… Ahem. Wario choked these thoughts down. Zelda surely would not have posed the question if the answer were that obvious. He tried to think seriously.
What would he like most in the world? Well, it wouldn't hurt to be a six foot three stud with a cute nose who women fawned over, but was that deep enough to appeal to the spiritual Zelda? Probably not. Let's get a little deeper – why did he want to be a hot stud? Well, the sex would be nice, of course, but that probably wasn't what she was going for. Sex training with Zelda, while an attractive proposition, seemed about as likely as Ganondorf phoning up to say that he had forgiven him implicitly for betrayal and offering him fifteen million Mushroom Kingdom coins to come back. And then not killing him when he took up the offer.
So, apart from sex what things had he wanted on his journey? Peach not to treat him like a smelly worm, for one; people to look unhappy when he was forced to run after merchants rather than having dinner with them; everyone not to stare at him with undisguised malice when he tried to sing along; people to want to sit next to him in the Pork Bean. Four off the top of his head. Could they be grouped into one category?
"I guess I… I want to be better at making friends," he said with a pious expression.
He assumed from Zelda's indulgent smile that this was an appropriate response, and decided to press the advantage.
"And I guess I'd like to be more attractive to women, too."
Zelda's face creased slightly, but only for a second. Then it was calm again.
"I was thinking about helping you with those matters," she said. "The first one, at least."
Wario's thick eyebrows creased. "Is that why you volunteered to take me with you? Some sort of charity mission?"
"Consider it repayment for unjustly accusing you of stealing rations aboard ship."
As Zelda drew to a stop in front of the biggest shed (for want of a better word) in the village, she turned to Wario and smiled at him. Her bright blue eyes twinkled with what might have been genuine happiness. Maybe she thought that she would enjoy "training" him. Wario thought it best to set the record straight.
"But Zelda," he protested, "look at me. I'm short, podgy, rude, I fart a lot and I have garlic breath and a messed up nose. Do you have some magic spell that can fix all that? Because if you don't…"
"No," said Zelda, orbiting him serenely and inspecting the grubby man in the grubby clothing. "No such spell exists, as far as I know. And what you say is true. Your subcutaneous fat store, diminished as it has been from journeying, is still fuller than would be ideal for an attractive man. You are little in height and distasteful to the eye. Your customary aroma reminds me of a badly maintained compost heap, and you have an extraordinary knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time."
Admitting it yourself was one thing. Hearing a beautiful woman recite it back to you was another much more distasteful one.
"However," Zelda continued, standing still and looking into Wario's piggy eyes, "I still believe I can help. Not all the problems can be corrected, of course – I cannot make you taller without the aid of those ridiculously high shoes the young men wear nowadays."
"Or heels," volunteered Wario, trying to be helpful.
Zelda looked at his bulging man's feet before resuming. "But there are other areas we can work on. Your manners, for example, and your flatulence. Perhaps with a little bit of work even your moustache could become an asset."
There was a flash. Standing in Zelda's place was a manlier figure that Wario recognised from the confrontation with Galleom, dressed in a tight blue costume and with red eyes poking out from under the white headscarf. It was still Zelda, though: the long legs and constrained bosom, combined with the regal stance, remained unchanged. Zelda's hand, its long fingers now wrapped in bandages, was holding a metal chain that crackled slightly with electricity.
"As from now, you will address me as 'Sheik'," said the figure in a firm alto. "If you want to succeed, you will do everything I say without question. Any deviation from the path I set you on, and you will answer to The Chain. You will learn to love and fear The Chain, for it will make you better through agony."
The headscarf hovered inches away from Wario's mouth, stretched into a petrified grimace.
"Do you want to succeed, you grotty little worm?" it whispered.
Wario nodded frantically, his eyes fixed on The Chain.
"Good," said Sheik, standing again. "Your first task will be to shed some of those pounds. I want you to run five times around the village. I will be following you, to make sure you keep running."
"Five times?" said Wario despondently. "But I can't…"
The Chain flashed out and caught Wario on his fat stomach. There was a crackle, a spark and Wario was clutching his belly, crying out in pain.
"I'm sorry: I didn't quite catch that," said Sheik, cracking The Chain like a whip. "Would you like to repeat it for me?"
Wario whimpered in the negative.
"Round the village. Five times. Move it!"
Tears running down his face, Wario picked himself up and, panting already, started on the long and painful journey that would take him five times around the village, thinking that Zelda was much nicer than Sheik.
o o o
Time passes.
Very slowly, as it seemed to Wario. Five and a half days of waking up to the sound of The Chain lashing against the ground next to his elfin ear, followed by running around the village until his legs fell off; then Sheik disappeared in an explosion and returned with a minimal breakfast of no garlic content, followed by brushing of the teeth, an entirely new concept. Then they would go into a tumbledown house and drink tea from bone china, while Sheik tested Wario on manners and whipped him lots. He never found out how the tea got through her headscarf without leaving a stain.
Lunch was like breakfast, and then after combing his hair and using this horrible-tasting liquid called "mouthwash" it was a warp into the city to talk to people. Sheik would initiate the conversation, and then leave Wario to talk to whoever the unfortunate participant was, be it old man, mucky schoolchild or young and beautiful woman. Wario was especially bad at the last category, because his words were either filthy in content or got stuck in his throat, but he knew that should he fail to make an effort The Chain would be waiting for him when they returned; so he struggled to make small talk and suppress innuendoes, and then he was being whisked onto the next poor passer-by.
That finished, it was another warp to Lake Hylia, where Wario would be put through more gruelling physical activity, twisting his body in ways he had thought impossible. At the end, reeking with sweat, he would pollute the crystal clear and very cold waters by submerging his body in them. When he came out and got dressed, Sheik would brush out his hair and moustache and then warp him back to the village for dinner.
It was a grisly ordeal, unlike anything the relaxed and happily disgusting Wario had ever put up with before. Nonetheless, every night he went to bed feeling a little fitter, a little more charming, a little less like a "grotty little worm". Sheik's parting words got kinder every night, her red eyes a bit softer. By the evening of the fifth day, as had been foretold, Wario even felt a bit of affection for The Chain.
And time passes.
o o o
"Can I pass you the sugar, madam?"
His voice was soft, his manner was suave, his touch on the sugar bowl was tender. His own brother would not have recognised the man with the finely combed moustache and the immaculate fingernails. Not a miracle worker, Sheik had been unable to reduce the stomach into a six-pack in five days, and his nose still resembled a strawberry more than anything else, but there was an undeniable roguish charm about the new Wario that finally caused Sheik to rise from her seat, drop The Chain and lower her headscarf to reveal Zelda's beaming features.
"Well done," she said, her red eyes fading through purple back to blue. "I'm proud of you, Wario. You've come so far in just five days. Now, offer a..."
"Powerful Din, wise Nayru, brave Farore," said Wario, clasping his hands, "thank you for this fine tea upon which we sup, and for… er… everything else as well. Our ladies."
The prayer had contained a giveaway sign that nor had Wario's personality completely remade itself. He still thought that the Hylian goddesses were a fairy tale for the ignorant, and he still secretly hoped that Zelda's transformation would go wrong and that instead of getting her dress back, she would accidentally find herself with nothing on at all. But the change was sufficient, and as the dirty robes fastened themselves around Zelda's figure there was a pearly teardrop on the princess' face.
"Wario," she said, "you are a marvel. Truly, you are living evidence that the Goddesses of Hyrule exist, and miracles do happen!"
Wario's internal eye rolling was cut short by the light kiss Zelda planted on his cheek. He put his hand over the spot to try and maintain the feeling. Zelda smiled gently at the look of astonishment on the moustachioed face.
"Come," she said, "take my hand. We still have a job to do, remember?"
Wario had forgotten all about the SubSpace Key. Reluctantly exposing the lip marks to the air, he placed his hand in hers, no longer feeling like the Beast with Beauty, but rather Prince Charming with… All right, that was stretching it. Besides, Prince Charming was a boring character. He would rather be the Dark Knight, enigmatic, handsome, and…
"Farore's Winde!"
…and still prone to slight tummy upsets upon travelling by magic.
o o o
The green light receded, and they were standing in streets even sandier than the ones they had left. There were differences, though – the buildings had been patched up, footsteps were visible in the sand and along the side of the road, brightly coloured desert flowers were in bloom.
"Ganondorf's work," said Zelda without emotion. "He likes plants and greenery. It always surprised me why his bedroom was so purple when he's gone to such lengths to make Hyrule green."
"At least that's something going for him," said Wario.
Zelda shook her head. "Guess what he puts in the fertiliser. If you're lucky you might see them playing in the street."
Wario shuddered slightly. Then he walked after Zelda down the dusty streets.
"This another abandoned village?" he asked.
Zelda shook her head again. "It has people, at least in theory. Look closely. You'll see them."
And she was right. There they were, peering from the windows, looking with wide staring eyes at the two people who walked out in the open.
"Into the alley," whispered Zelda, clutching Wario's arm. "Quickly."
Wario's sidestep was a bit more graceful than before the training, but he still resembled nothing quite so much as a large crab as he scuttled into the side street. He barely breathed as the two bulky Moblins seemed to barge their way through the air. After they had vanished around a corner, Wario and Zelda carried on their journey, Wario still scarcely daring to breathe.
"So, do you know where the key is?" he gasped.
"I have some idea."
A slow and irregular trickle of passers-by passed by. Hylian men with heavy rucksacks on their backs; women with ragged shawls and empty eyes; horse skeletons dragging carts; the heavily built rocky Gorons, like bipedal brown toads with faces every bit as grumpy; and occasionally a few children, who were the only ones who dared to raise a smile. Invariably, they stared at Zelda and Wario as they passed, looking with awe at the one's serene grace and the other's plump and rosy cheeks. It occurred to Wario that the plants that were growing along the sides of every path they took looked better fed than anything else, with the exception of the guard patrols they took pains to avoid.
Only one activity disturbed their pattern of walk, hide, walk, hide. On their travels, the duo came across a trio of the porcine law enforcers knocking roughly on a house door. When they were met with no response, they looked somewhat annoyed and smashed the door down with their fists. From his alley vantage point, Wario could hear smashing of crockery, human screams and piggy grunts. When he turned to Zelda she was gone.
Daring to poke his head once more out into the main road, Wario could see a woman's footprints, about running distance apart, going up to the broken door of the house. As he emerged from the alley, the grunting became less leisurely and more panicked, and then squeals broke out. One of the Moblins was briefly visible running out of the doorway, before a sharp needle flew into its neck and caused it to slump, gently oozing green. And suddenly Zelda was at Wario's side again, pulling his sleeve in an urgent manner and quickly bypassing the groaning guard.
"Did you do that?" asked Wario.
"Do that? Me? Oh no. I wouldn't want to draw attention to our presence by neutralising a LOVE tax collection patrol who were about to beat an innocent family, including three children under twelve, to death for non-payment."
"Oh," said Wario. "So, did Sheik do that?"
Zelda did not reply.
The roads became steeper, and soon Wario felt that a nice hilly stroll had become almost mountainous. He was shocked to find that after three minutes' walk up the incline he had barely broken a sweat. The fact that he now had some level of fitness constantly surprised him. Nevertheless, by the time Zelda stopped to have a look around he was grunting like one of the Moblins.
"That's the place," said Zelda pointing.
"How d'you know?"
"I saw her arrive two days ago."
"The place" was festooned with old stone slabs sticking out of the ground at odd angles, and someone had thrown in some cattle skulls with peculiarly inclined horns for good measure. The place could not have said "graveyard" more clearly if it had had a neon sign saying "graveyard" above it; even the cyan and purple flowers could not remove the air of death and finality. The small creature in the middle, though, was doing her best.
She was grunting and groaning and making all sorts of sounds that marked her out very clearly as one of the living. She came up to Zelda's waist, and only got that far because of the gigantic stone headpiece that had enough crenellations to give Hyrule Castle a run for its money. Atop this was a large orange hand, which had its palm against the rock face that formed a wall of the graveyard and seemed to be pushing hard.
As Wario approached this dwarf, Zelda beside him, he noted the grey and black colouration of her skin, as well as the glowing green tattoo that ran down her arms, legs and sharp ears. She was nowhere near human – in fact, with her potbelly and ridiculously large head, she was not even attractive for whatever species she was; yet for some reason, Wario felt something stir inside him as he looked at her. He put it down to the aftermath of Farore's Wind.
They were barely ten feet from her when the wall gave way. Waves of purple energy radiated out from the hand, and a section of the rock sank down to reveal a dark opening. When the energy waves had ceased, the dwarf levitated into the air and punched upwards with her stubby arms and her orange hand.
"Yes!" she cackled, before catching sight of her audience. Then, "Who are you? You're not Greil M…"
She did not finish the sentence. Dumbstruck just for a moment, she then hovered up to Zelda's face and floated inches away from it, wearing an appraising expression. Seemingly satisfied, she smiled, said "Hah!" and floated away again, hands (well, two of them) on hips and looking faintly smug.
"Princess," she said, "what a pleasure it is to see you again, and at liberty. I wasn't expecting this honour."
"You were expecting Ike and his band?" answered Zelda.
The dwarf turned away and snorted. "Something like that. Been sending them messages encoded into birds' feathers, under the pseudonym 'M'. Told them I'd found an area protected by Ganondorf's magic near Kakariko and that they should come and take a look, seeing as at the time they were the only anti-LOVE force around. But now, of course, there's your little crew…"
She turned again, and seemed to see Wario for the first time. Giving a little smile, she hovered down and floated a foot away from him.
"Who's your new toyboy, princess?" she asked, looking slyly at Zelda. "Does Link know about him?"
Wario did not think he had ever seen Zelda look awkward before. There was that time in Eagleland, of course, when she had set that hideous hallucination on fire and with it the Ultimate Chimera, but that had been more horror than embarrassment. Yet now the princess of Hyrule was rendered speechless, her cheeks went red and she glared with undisguised fury at the hatted creature. Wario decided that it was time to pay his teacher back.
"Delighted to meet you, madam," he said, grasping a little black hand. "Wario's the name." And he planted a delicate kiss on it.
It worked. Zelda was shaken out of discomfiture into sheer wonder. She just stared, still speechless. The dwarf took less time to recover, and pulled her hand away with a giggle.
"Odd to see you travelling with an ex-LOVEr, princess," she said. "I didn't know you liked the bad boys. And what a moustache! Bet you could ping rocks off of that."
Wario smiled, a grin that after merciless applications of toothpaste and mouthwash rivalled Zelda's in whiteness, and twanged his moustache to prove the point.
"Wario," said Zelda, her composure finally restored, "this is Midna, the ruler of a nearby kingdom."
"Kinda sorta," said Midna with a shrug. "I mean, it's in the same place as Hyrule, but in a parallel world kinda thingy. Not important, anyway. I sensed that Hyrule was under attack, fooled about a bit with the space-time continuum, and, well…" She spread all three arms. "Here I am!"
There was something attractive about the dwarf, but Wario was damned if he could work out what it was. Broad hips, yes, but a devilish face and nothing in the way of mammaries; and yet still unmistakeable sex appeal. It was very strange.
"How did you know there was something special here?" asked Zelda.
"Please," replied Midna, giving her an "Are you thick?" look. "Cyan and purple flowers? Cyan and purple anything? Dead giveaway. Just checked the area for magic seals, found one, and now it's broken! And Ike and the Greils were meant to show up and find out what's past it, but they're not here…"
Wario gave a little bow. "Midna, Zelda and I have come here searching for what is (probably) in that cave. Permit us to take the Greils' place."
Midna's eyes widened and she smiled again. "Noble, isn't he? Last I heard, Wario was a fat smelly guy with about as much politeness as a Moblin with a porcupine down his pants. What's changed?"
Wario grimaced inwardly, but kept up the outer veneer of smoothness. "I had an excellent teacher."
Zelda's mouth flickered, forming a not quite smile that vanished almost immediately.
"What about it, Zel-da?" the dwarf said, elongating the "Zel" and spitting out the "da" with a grin. "Fancy letting Mustachios here explore this long damp tunnel with you?"
The innuendo bypassed Zelda completely. Not so Wario, who found Midna's appeal growing with every sentence she spoke.
"Come, Wario," said Zelda serenely, walking into the night. "Be on your guard. Who knows what traps Ganondorf might have hidden in there."
"Good luck in her tunnel, Wazza," called Midna as Wario followed. "Watch out for giant crabs!"
What a girl. Well, dwarf.
o o o
They marched on without speaking for a bit, dripping water the only noise. Wario's head was swimming with thoughts of the creature he had just met. Smart, funny, a dirty sense of humour – such a shame about her physical appearance. And yet he was still trying to picture her massive head in his own and deduce what it was that superseded her ugly body and face and made her so… so…
"So, Midna seems to like you," echoed Zelda's voice from slightly above his head.
Wario was very glad that the flaming torches were liberally spaced enough for his blush to go unnoticed.
"She's very, er… pleasant…" he stammered.
"Not the word I would use. Midna can frequently be spiteful, manipulative or just crass. And she's a liar."
"Really?"
"Yes. You don't get giant crabs in this bit of Hyrule."
Wario wondered how one went about explaining a pubic lice-related joke to the most morally upright person he knew. It took him half a minute to devise an answer – one didn't.
"But, she has a good heart," continued Zelda. "She has helped our kingdom in times of trouble before, and now, despite my decree banishing her from Hyrule…" There was a strained pause. "…she has returned, to help us again."
"What did you ban her for?" asked Wario.
"Indecent exposure in the streets."
It was odd, the way Zelda could make "indecent exposure in the streets" sound like "mass murder and paedophilia". As far as Wario could tell, Midna had been stark naked just now, and Zelda had not complained. Her skin looked almost reptilian, anyway; if Yoshi could prance about wearing only some boots and a saddle, Wario saw nothing wrong with Midna wearing just a hat.
"Here we are," said Zelda, her voice still a touch harsh.
It was a simple wooden door, between two flaming torches, with a metal plaque on it. But the devil is in the detail, and Wario got close enough to read the engraving on the plaque:
"Through here lies the darkness in your heart."
"What the heck does that mean?" said Wario, substituting "heck" for anything ruder as Sheik had taught him.
"I don't know," said Zelda. "I intend to find out."
She took hold of the brass doorknob in her slender digits and pulled. The door opened without resistance, and Zelda stepped into the darkness beyond. Wario quickly scuttled after, but not before losing sight of his companion in the room behind the door.
o o o
"Congratulations Mr. Fairy!"
When did he get outside? Also, when did he warp from the sandy village into a grassy field, completely abandoned but for himself, a couple of birds and the man who had just spoken?
He was a horrible sight: a man slightly shorter than Wario, and slightly tubbier than the Italian now was. His eyes were piggier than Wario's, inserted above a nose bigger and redder than Wario's and a smile more hideous than Wario's had ever been. The whole horrifying vision was topped off by his outfit, which seemed to be a one-piece green rubber suit that came over his head and bore two fake ears as pointed as Wario's own, and the mincing way in which the little man pranced over to "Mr. Fairy". Wario could well believe that he was looking at "the darkness in his heart."
"You are the 1000th person to walk through this door!" the man cooed. "Allow me to present you with your reward!"
"I highly doubt that I want any reward you can offer," replied Wario.
The man wagged his finger. "Don't be so sure, Mr. Fairy!"
It started with a gentle jingling sound. Wario turned to see a stream of coins cascading from the heavens close behind him. They reminded him of his old ringtone. Then there was the papery rustling sound, and it was a pile of notes. Then glassy ringing told him that gemstones were doing the same thing. Diamonds, emeralds, rubies, those purple ones he could never remember, they were all there, pouring down in a river of colour. And then CLUNKjingle, CLUNKjingle all around as treasure chests hit the earth like oversized wooden hailstones, each one opening on impact to reveal shining valuable innards.
It was fair to say that Wario had never seen so many shiny things in his life. Even in the treasure vaults of his castle before all the LOVE business, he had never seen so much glitter and value, and with a howl of delight he towards the nearest treasure chest and prepared to plunge his hands into it.
He did not complete the action. "The darkness in your heart"? Something rang hollow about all this. He turned his head towards the ugly man slowly.
"All this for me?" he asked. "Because I'm the 1000th person who's been through this door?"
"Ooh yes Mr. Fairy!"
"Despite the fact I saw the seal on this cave broken today?"
The hideous grin was replaced by an equally hideous expression of confusion. "Seal?"
The more he thought about it, the more it sounded to Wario like an Internet scam. "1000th person" indeed.
"It's fake treasure, isn't it?"
"Ooh no! Real as I am, Mr. Fairy! Realler!"
Wario cautiously clenched some coins in his hand. They felt real. He bit into one, and looked at the teeth marks. Real, solid, non-hallucinatory gold. He picked up a diamond, and dragged a point along his tooth. He could feel it carving a line, just as a real diamond would. It was a very good Internet scam.
"Take some, Mr. Fairy! Take it all! Go for a swim in it!"
Oh Hands yes. Wario remembered coming back from a particularly successful treasure hunt with more coins than he could fit in his Wario Bike panniers, emptying them out onto the floor and then swimming in them. It had been a wonderful feeling. The jingling sound, the feel of cold metal against his gloves… It was a guilty pleasure, and a wonderful one. He scooped up a handful of coins and let them run through his fingers like water. Would it not be great to relive that joy?
The Chain flashed through his mind with a crackling sound.
"No thanks," he said with difficulty. "I'll just take… this ring."
It was made of some black metal, bearing three bright green emeralds. Too big for Midna's diminutive fingers, but maybe it would fit around one of her wrists.
The man in green seemed distraught. "But Mr. Fairy! With all the marvellous things you see before you, why only take one ring?"
"It's a present," said Wario. "For a friend. I think she'll appreciate it."
"But nothing for yourself?" wailed the man. "Not even a small bracelet? Or some gold coins to help you along the way?"
Just a few coins? They did feel genuine, and there was no denying that they could buy something to help along the way – some heads of sweet garlic, maybe. But what about the good breath he had striven so hard to achieve?
"No," he said firmly. "The ring's enough. I need to go now."
And there was the door onwards, cut into a nearby hillside. How come he had only just noticed it? It had clearly been here the whole time. He picked his way through the piles of treasure towards it, ignoring the lamentations of the man in green.
"But I worked so hard to get this all for you! Oh, Mr. Fairy, you so ungrateful!"
"Keep it," said Wario, opening the door. "Buy yourself some proper clothes and plastic surgery."
And he went through.
o o o
"What happened to you?"
"I could ask you the same question," said Wario, emerging back into the cave. "You went through first, and then you were gone."
"I walked straight through," said Zelda. "I assumed you were right behind me until I got to here."
Wario squinted at her and pinged his moustache thoughtfully.
"What was in that room?" he asked.
"You saw it too, didn't you? Nothing. Just a bare grey cell of a room with two doors."
Wario pondered the implications of the sign on the door. "The darkness in your heart." Everyone knew Zelda was as pure as the dew on the lawn in the morn; did it not follow that she had no darkness in her heart?
"Ganondorf's testing us," said Zelda, as if reading Wario's thoughts. "Using our own minds against us."
Okay, thought Wario, but if I have to see another hideous hallucination like that one in Hyrule Field I will not be responsible for my stomach. The two of them peered at the plaque on the next door.
"Through here lies your heart's desire."
"Well, that sounds better, eh?" said Wario brightly. "Better than 'the darkness in your heart', anyway."
Zelda did not respond.
o o o
"Hey, Wario!"
It was another field, as green and fresh and outdoors and indistinguishable as the last one. The sun was shining, the birds were singing their little hearts out and all the rest of the League of Legends were standing around, looking happy to see him.
This was bizarre.
"You were quick!" said Sonic, rushing up to the Italian and stopping just short of a collision. "I was really surprised at how quickly everyone finished, but you in particular!"
"Gee thanks."
"Aw, sorry!" said Sonic, looking genuinely pained. "I didn't mean it like that. Anyway, it's great to have you back, buddy!"
Curiouser and curiouser.
"You've changed, man!" said the good Captain, standing beside his car. "You look… well…"
"Handsome," finished Peach, sashaying over.
Could it be? As he stared from face to face to slit in a mask, each one eager and enthusiastic to see him, Wario tried to remember hard something that was escaping his mind like water vapour emerging from a kettle. He had to hold onto the fact that – what was it? Ah yes – it wasn't real. It was all a fabrication, a manipulation of his senses. It wasn't…
"You really are good looking now," said Peach, now inches from his face. "What happened?"
Then again, if it was a hallucination, it was awfully realistic. He could smell the peach blossom woven into her hair. Wario blushed heartily.
"Z-z-zelda helped me with a few things," he admitted tremulously.
"Wow, really?" said Peach, turning to her fellow princess. "You've done a good job, Zelda. He's gorgeous."
Zelda beamed and clasped her hands, but said nothing.
"Now hold on a minute," said Wario, trying to pull his mind together. "Zelda's not back with the rest of you. She's facing up to… to something in the other room!"
And you two are never nice to each other, he thought to himself.
"I got back just now," said Zelda, looking bemused. "What's the problem?"
"Hey Wario," said Peach, holding out a mirror, "want to see what you look like now?"
Wario grabbed the mirror eagerly. All the windows in that village had been broken a long time ago, and Lake Hylia's surface had been too disturbed by the rainclouds that haunted it and its piscine population to reveal his new image; the result was that he only had Zelda's (and Peach's) word that he looked any different. He turned the mirror towards his face.
"Well?" asked Zelda. "What do you think?"
The hair had been brushed, and was now tidy and clean. The eyebrows were trimmed, and now looked roguish rather than downright evil. The cheeks had a healthy glow. The moustache was slick and springy. The smile was clean as a whistle, and almost dazzled him. The jaw, bereft of some of its excess flab, was stronger and better defined. The nose… Well, okay, the nose was relatively unchanged, but at least he did not pick it so much any more.
Zelda waited, a little smile on her face, for her student's response. Wario took in a healthy gulp of air.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO WAAAAARIO?"
o o o
When Zelda emerged from the door, perspiring slightly, she found Wario huddled in a corner, looking at his hands as if he had never seen them before.
"YOU!" he shouted when she entered. "What have you done to my beautiful face? My beautiful beautiful face?"
Zelda gave him a baffled look. "But you wanted to be more attractive to women."
"Well, yes, but I didn't think you'd make me unrecognisable!"
Zelda searched for a polite way to tell her erstwhile pupil that this was the only way she could have made his visage at any rate presentable, and finding none kept her mouth shut.
Wario passed a troubled hand across his brow. "Anyway, what kept you? It's at least five minutes after I left the door."
"I had some… trouble with my version of the room," said Zelda, unable to meet Wario's eyes.
"Oh yeah?"
"What was your heart's desire, Wario?" asked Zelda quickly, looking at the next door.
"Oh, boring friendship bullsh…tuff," Wario answered, quickly preventing the coarser aspects of the general language of Nintendo from reaching Zelda's delicate pointed ears. "Shall we go on?"
"Yes," said Zelda like a bullet. "This should be the last door. Hyrule likes doing things in threes, Ganondorf included."
The third and possibly final door bore the following plaque:
"Through here lies your greatest terror."
"Well, at least it's clear what that means," said Wario, thinking hard as to what his greatest terror was. "All set, Zelda?"
A quick glance told him that Zelda was far from being all set. Her eyes were glazed over, her mouth was slightly open and her hands were shaking.
"Oh," said Wario. "Your greatest terror's pretty bad, huh?"
"I'll be fine," said Zelda in a monotone. "You go first. I'll follow."
"You sure, Zelda? 'Cause if you're not, we can try and go in together. Enter holding hands or something. Maybe we'll get into the same room."
"More likely one of us will end up missing a hand. You go on. I'll be fine."
Wario took a last look at the stunned princess and, holding his breath, passed through the doorway.