§6 Lust
It was like being carried along by an extremely secure and attractive ship. The Captain's muscular arms were clamped firmly around Peach's legs, making her feel very safe above the burning sand. The thrill of being transported by handsome cab distracted her entirely from everything else, no matter how often she gave herself a mental slap and attempted to take her mind off it.
She tried, though. She tried thinking of her enslaved kingdom and of her poor Mario, locked away in hellish captivity, suffering horribly no doubt and pining away for love of her; but the last time she had seen a Mario brother it had been that pathetic object her co-royal Daisy seemed to be fond of, and she kept getting the moustaches mixed up, automatically rendering Mario less good looking.
When that failed, she tried enriching her eyes with the beauty of the desert. Large pyramids were stuck in the sand at intervals, oases reflected the sun into her eyes and lines of camels hobbled on, stopping occasionally to spit. It was no good: the beauty of the desert completely failed to touch her. She decided to give up and approach the subject matter head-on.
"Hey, Falcon," she said, trying not to inhale sand, "I must be weighing you down. What do you say we go take a rest by the oasis? It'd be nice to relax a bit before we go and save the world."
No answer. Plod, plod, plod. Peach tugged the auburn hair gently.
"Captain?"
The Captain seemed to have just become aware of the woman atop his shoulders.
"What did you say?" he said, in the manner of a man with other things on his mind than a princess' dainty hand.
Peach, somewhat disheartened, summarised her request.
"Not really. I'd forgotten you were even there."
Peach was somewhat piqued that she had been so easily forgotten about, and declared to herself that she would give this clueless mound of muscle something to remember by when they parted ways. Indeed, as the wind picked up and picked up sand, she felt that the occasion in question might be sooner than she had thought.
"What's going on?" demanded the Captain as sand eroded his face.
He noticed that all right. Peach looked at the whirlwinds with their malicious grins approaching from afar, eyes fixed on the duo.
"Tweester tornadoes!" she cried.
Peach's mind had been trained by years of trying to avoid kidnap (and admittedly failing most of the time) to be adept at making the best of whatever situation life might present her with. Slowly, a plan began to form. She stared at the clouds high above: they were moving in a westerly direction. Perfect.
"What have we done to them?" asked the Captain, backing away from the twisty troublemakers.
"Oh, nothing. They just like tossing people in the air for fun. They can be helpful sometimes, though."
Time to act. Peach disentangled herself from the Captain's arms and shoulders, and dropped to the ground as delicately as possible, i.e. not very.
"Well, I guess this is it for now," she said. "See you when we've got the keys."
"We can't give up!" said the Captain, taking the princess' hand and sending a slight shiver through her body. "Even with you on my back, we can still outrun them!"
"I'm not giving up," said Peach, pulling her hand away. "I'm taking a shortcut."
Oh God oh God oh God. Peach could feel her insides telling her firmly not to do what she was about to do, but she ignored the feeling, grasped the Captain's hair and clumsily pulled his face towards hers. When the distance was small enough to ensure no embarrassing misses, she hurled her arms around his rock-hard body and kissed him. It was not one of the most satisfying kisses she had ever partaken of, due to the kissee being too astonished to really reciprocate and the fact that his lips were hard and sand-chapped anyway, but the deed was done. She quickly extricated herself and ran away from him as fast as possible, blushing with the stupidity of it all.
"See you later!" she called back, barely able to hear her own voice.
Her stomach was doing the ballet, a feeling that was in no way reduced when she finally hit the Tweesters; but as they threw her around like a basketball, adding spin and varying angles at will, she felt glad to be away from that stupid stupid man who had made her act like a fool. She was grateful when they tossed her high into the air and she knew she would not see him for a week.
She was even more grateful when she heard an anguished shout from down below. So he had liked it after all.
o o o
Peach always came prepared. When a party was planned, she made sure she had a massive cake ready to greet the guests; when there were rumours that Bowser was on the loose, she packed an overnight bag just in case; and when she went on an adventure, she always brought her parasol.
To the untrained eye, it looked like a normal pink lace sunshade; in reality, it had a handle reinforced with carbon fibres, strong yet lightweight, and the shade itself was sturdy enough to retain air without flipping inside-out. The upshot was that this parasol could be used to float delicately down from leg-breaking heights.
With a favourable wind, such as the one now blowing over Dry Dry Desert, princess and parasol could glide together over several miles before she came down. Peach's arms were deceptively strong, and she found clinging onto the handle easier than walking. Hence the shortcut: in the time it would have taken her to struggle, tired and sweaty, out of Dry Dry Desert on foot, Peach could have floated over a good portion of the Mushroom Kingdom, assuming the wind kept up and nobody attempted to shoot peanuts at her.
Sadly, this is exactly what came to pass. The fabric used to make the shade was mighty indeed, but it was already stretched to its maximum by falling and wind. The quickly moving nut was the last straw. It created a small hole in the material that let the air through and caused Peach to quickly fall earthwards. As her life flashed before her eyes, she dearly missed her pink dress and its skirt's similar air retention capabilities.
If only the Capt… Mario was here to catch her…
But in the absence of Mario the soft sand was good enough, and Peach hit Dry Dry Desert suffering only minor bruising, a punctured parasol and wounded pride.
"Got you!"
Peach spat sand and looked up at the figure in front of her, a slightly built monkey carrying two wooden pistols. It was the red t-shirt and similarly hued cap that gave his identity away.
"Diddy Kong?" she asked, groaning inside.
"You better believe it, missy! Now, what were you doing tracking me from the air? Thought you could get one over on the Dids, eh?"
He bent down and looked into Peach's enraged blue eyes. Then he hopped back with a strangled squawking sound.
"Princess… Peach?" he asked.
"Hello."
"Ohmigod I'm like so sorry!" Diddy squealed, helping her up as best he could and brushing sand off her tatty dress. "I thought you'd be a LOVE spy tracking me down I am so, so sorry I really didn't mean to I guess what I mean to say is that I couldn't see the pink dress from so high up…"
"I'm not wearing the pink dress."
"Aren't you? Oh goodness me so you aren't! Well fancy that! Princess I'm so very sorry if I'd know it was you I'd never have shot you! Was a good shot, wasn't it though?"
Yeah, great shot. Now I'm going to have to walk the rest of the way. Thanks so much, Diddy. Peach walked haughtily off in the same direction as the clouds, turning her back on the yelping simian.
"So where you going Princess?" asked Diddy, springing after her. "You going west? That's where I'm going! We could like tag along for a bit – what with your beauty and my shooting skills and go-kart, we'll be unstoppable! We'll be like Mario and Luigi, only you're a princess and I'm a monkey!"
And you're not locked up, unfortunately.
"Two words," said Peach, turning on the monkey. "Quit; bugging; me what did you say about a go-kart?"
"C'mon, I'll show you Princess!" squealed Diddy, pulling at her skirt. "It's from the old days when we used to have those racing competitions and you had two people in every kart. Hey, I can drive and you can sit in the back! It'll be so cool!"
Peach's heart had reached its nadir. She followed the squealing creature to his kart, which looked more like a wooden train, with glum and heavy footsteps. True, she would rather be driven through the Mushroom Kingdom than have to walk or hitchhike, but she would rather be driven by someone (or indeed anyone) other than the annoying squealing flea-bitten creature whose vehicle she was now stepping into.
"All aboard the Barrel Train!" yelled Diddy, taking the driver's seat. "Y'know, I like trains. Also stroking hair. And guitar playing. We're gonna have so much to talk about! Toot toot!"
And there was no legroom – she would have to stick her legs out of the sides. Just great.
o o o
"Wow! You've had some amazing adventures, Princess. You wanna hear about what I've been doing?"
No she did not. The only reason Peach had talked as much as she had, almost incessantly from Dry Dry Desert onto the country roads, was so as to give her yelping driver no opportunity to say more than a few words. His voice aggravated her no end; if mosquitos could talk, they would sound like Diddy Kong. So far, she had told the mosquito the vast majority of what had befallen her and the LOL save anything that might be to do with fancying men who were not Mario, but having reached the point where she was shot down her mind was drawing a blank.
"Well, I'll tell you," said Diddy, without waiting for an answer. "You ready, Princess?"
Peach braced herself.
"Okay so I live on Donkey Kong Island, which as you probably know is off the west coast of the Mushroom Kingdom connected by this giant bridge, and it looks just like my uncle's head! I live there with my uncle Donkey Kong and all his family and friends and it's really cool hey you should come and visit some time! So anyway one day, we're all gathered around a table playing cards and I'm picking some lice out of Dixie Kong's fur, when there's this huge commotion off in the jungle! So Uncle goes out to investigate while the rest of us keep our heads down…"
Diddy paused. Through the aggravation, Peach was impressed – the monkey had spat this all out like a machine gun without any visible breaks to inhale. But now his behaviour had changed. His habitual inane grin was replaced by a solemn stare at the road ahead.
"…and he never came back."
Purged, thought Peach.
"I'm sorry, Diddy," she said.
"But that's not the worst of it! Eventually he did come back, it was like half a year later, so I guess not quite never, but then he started throwing his weight around and bullying us and playing his bongos late into the night and making the jungle a nasty place to live. He seemed even stronger, too – one day Funky Kong tells him to stop, and Funky's built like a brick house, but the next thing we know Uncle's hurled him halfway across the jungle!"
Peach knew something about the Kong clan, inhabitants of her country as they were. A bunch of mangy apes and monkeys, the dregs of the simian gene pool, were mixed up in a blender and spat out into the jungle, resulting in a group of mammals that were apparently all inter-related despite including gorillas, monkeys, chimps and an orang-utan. Donkey Kong, a massive gorilla and patriarch of the clan, was the only one of real note – he usually made a good showing in the Mushroom Kingdom's various sporting events, using his titanic strength to his advantage, and had saved his clan and precious banana hoard many times from threats to the island that nature had shaped like his ugly mug. No wonder the LOVE wanted to get hold of him and, by the sound of things, clone him.
"I managed to work out that the LOVE had done something to Uncle," Diddy blabbered on, sounding proud of himself, "so I decided to go out into the world beyond the jungle and teach them a lesson! 'Cause y'know Uncle's all big and scary and stuff and I didn't wanna fight him. I packed up my guitar and my popguns and my rocketbarrels and some bananas for the journey and set off to find the LOVE!
"Turns out that the LOVE are big and scary too. I first went to Hyrule and tried to stop them there, but I got into trouble with some of those big pig things. So I decided to find a group who were also fighting the LOVE and help them out by shooting stuff! I can shoot stuff real good, you know. But there aren't so many of them, so I had to keep searching – until I found the Greil Mercenaries!
"But they weren't so nice either. There was a lot of training, and everyone kept ignoring me and calling me annoying and telling me not to play my guitar in case it drew attention to our position. But then you guys came along! The League of Legends! I've always wanted to become a legend, so I thought I'd help you guys out! But then you left camp without me. So I followed you!"
"Good for you."
"I know, right? I used my rocketbarrels my rocketbarrels by the way are like a jetpack only they use banana peels as fuel so I used my rocketbarrels to fly over the ocean to Kanto! But then I lost you. But then I found you again! Well, one of you. Hey, wasn't it a good thing that I shot you down by accident? If I hadn't, we'd never have met! So where in the Mushroom Kingdom are you going, Princess?"
The cyan dot on the map had been over a small island off the west coast of the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach's heart was heavy as she replied: "Donkey Kong Island."
"That's where I'm going! What a coincidence!"
Of course you are.
"Halt."
Diddy's wooden train screeched to a stop before the two Magikoopas, their blue robes complemented by purple sashes and official looking badges. They waved their magic wands as a policeman might brandish his truncheon. For once on her journey, Peach thanked her god for her grubby clothes and greasy hair. Diddy had stuffed his baseball cap and t-shirt into the compartment usually reserved for weapons to scupper opponents in the Mushroom Kingdom Grand Prix, so they were safe for the time being.
"What seems to be the problem, officers?" asked Peach innocently.
"Nothing, ma'am," said Left Magikoopa. "Just your regular inspection. Identity papers please."
Gulp.
"Do they do regular inspections along the road now?" she inquired.
"Only since reports of that anti-LOVE group started circulating. It's all in the interest of public security. So, papers, please."
Peach frantically racked her brains, hoping that the racking was not outwardly visible. It was obvious from the forlorn way Diddy looked at her that he had no papers either. But then, monkeys did not tend to carry papers…
"My papers are at the office," she said, smiling sweetly. "I could get them if you want."
"And where would this office be, pray?" asked Lefty.
"Near Donkey Kong Island? I work at a monkey rehab centre, and I was just taking this one into the jungle for the first time."
Righty's beak creased into a smile. "Aww. I love monkeys."
"Do you?" said Peach with well-feigned enthusiasm. "I've wanted to work with them since I was six. They're such clever animals!"
Having up until now stared at Peach with an expression of sheer confusion, Diddy finally cottoned on. He "ook"ed and "eek"ed and scratched his head and banged on the steering wheel. Peach chuckled indulgently and tousled his headfur.
Lefty looked at him suspiciously. "Why is this monkey in the driving seat?"
"I know!" said Peach, squeezing herself out of her cubbyhole at the back. "He's just impossible, this one. A real mischief maker." She dragged Diddy out of the driving seat; Diddy immediately started to pull her hair. "Ow! Come on, you little devil."
"But he was driving just now…"
"Don't be ridiculous, Ernie," said Righty. "Monkeys can't drive cars."
Peach squeezed her way into the driving seat. It was marginally more comfortable, or it would have been without Diddy clinging onto her back and hooting in her ear.
"All right, Miss," said the one named Ernie, "but just you see you have those papers next time. Off you go."
"And say hi to the monkeys for me," said his colleague with a grin.
"Will do!"
Through their thick glasses, the Magikoopas watched the little train chuff-chuff-chuff steadily into the distance, wobbling occasionally as if the driver had never used it before.
"Y'know, Arnie," said Ernie, "that woman looked a lot like Princess Peach."
"Oh, don't be stupid, Ernie. The Princess'd never be seen dead with hair like that."
o o o
Time passes.
Diddy did have a lot to talk about. He talked about his uncle, playing guitar, his girlfriend/cousin Dixie, shooting, playing guitar, the jungle, bananas, shooting, how much he admired the LOL, playing guitar… Peach was intensely grateful when the monkey dismally admitted that he had left his guitar back in Archanea, worried as she had been that a solo was forthcoming.
In time, she got used to the train's non-standard controls, and reciting her monkey story, and even to the incessant yak-yak-yak from the back seat that would have driven Axe Knight insane. She could drive on autopilot and let her mind float into a world of its own. In that world, she was lying on a balmy beach, or watching the stars from the top of a hill, or simply relaxing on the roof of her castle, the LOVE long defeated and natural order restored. At first she tried to force Mario to be in the pictures with her, but after a while caved in and replaced him with the strong arms and chiselled jaw of Douglas Jay Falcon, Falcon Punching away anyone who tried to interrupt their tryst.
They drove around the big cities and slept in small inns by the wayside. Diddy initially suggested sharing a room, but after seeing the frying pan quickly changed his mind. The woman and the monkey attracted a lot of stares and a few questions, until Peach dropped into a clothes shop and bought some shorts and a khaki t-shirt, burning her old disguise at night in a dustbin. She also bought some shampoo and conditioner – unkempt jungle hair might have been more authentic, but she could swear it moved some times at night. With clean hair and short clothing, she still attracted stares (especially from the Toads, whose mushroom heads were at bottom height) but of a more acceptable variety.
And time passes.
o o o
"I thought we were avoiding the major cities!"
Peach did not answer at once. Diamond City had been a semi-autonomous city-state surrounded by the Mushroom Kingdom. Even before the LOVE was formed, Wario had bought up most of the land and buildings, so the city, almost twice as big as Toad Town, sort of belonged to him, but ruling bored the fat man and he had let Peach run it as part of the Mushroom Kingdom while he searched for riches. Now, it was just another gem (a diamond, perhaps) in Bowser's crown.
As its former "ruler", Peach had a natural interest in how her ex-citizens were getting on, but why Diamond City, a city she had barely owned? Maybe it was because the city was slightly foreign to her anyway, or maybe the time spent travelling with Wario had made her take an interest in the red-nosed one's dealings, or maybe it was just that it was big and shiny and Peach liked diamonds. Whatever the reason, she was driving the Barrel Train through the leafy suburbs towards the hustle and bustle of the city centre.
"They'll spot us!" wailed Diddy. "It'll be crawling with guards! Oh Hands, I don't want to die!"
"You won't die!" hissed Peach. "I work for a monkey rehab charity; you are my monkey. You are coming into Diamond City to do some education work about the environment. Bowser can't have banned that."
The skyscrapers were coming in thick and fast now. The townspeople would have been stuck in perpetually darkness, walking in the shadows cast by the giant buildings, had it not been for the bright sunlight reflecting off the glass panes onto the streets below. Anyway, there were hardly any townspeople to walk in shadow. Diamond City was usually a hub of commerce, yet now it seemed as dead as Zelda's hidden village. This unnerved Peach – during Wario's reign, the city had become a haven for the financial sector, as Wario was forced to spend his wealth in LOVE-approved fashion on state finance rather than on excessive amounts of garlic. Now, it was as dead as Smashville.
She tried to make light of the situation. "Crawling with guards, eh? There's no-one here!"
"Excuse me!"
The train screeched to a halt as an old Toad threw himself out in front of the vehicle. Panting slightly, Peach took a moment to survey the venerable suicidal. His brown waistcoat was patched up and filthy, his glasses were broken and his moustache, presumably white once, was grey with dirt. His sagging mushroom head bore dark brown spots, the same colour as his battered cane.
"I do beg your pardon, ma'am," he said in an educated voice, "but could you possibly lend a few coins to an old Toad who has fallen upon hard times?"
"Toadsworth?" said Peach quietly.
The old Toad cringed instinctively. When he was quite sure that no violence was following his name, he peered at the princess through his broken glasses and started.
"Princess… Peach?" he said softly, his eyes brimming with tears.
Peach clambered out, bent down and patted Toadsworth on the back as he wept softly into her shoulder, leaving Diddy to look on in confusion.
"Oh Princess, I'm so glad you're safe, wot!" heaved Toadsworth in between sobs. "You're a sight for a sore aide! When they kicked me out of the castle and took Master Mario…"
"Never mind me," said Peach a bit sharply. "What about you? What's happened to this place?"
Toadsworth stood on his stumpy legs, swaying only slightly on his cane, and coughed.
"After excrement went down," he said tremulously, "I fled Bowser's guards and took up residence here, in Diamond City. It was as far as an old Toad like me could travel, otherwise I'd have made for Yoshi's Island. But it was good enough here – Wario's greed was curbed by the taxes being the same as everywhere else, and no one recognised me as long as I kept my head down and did as I was told.
"But not so long ago, some guards came knocking. Not at mine alone – I heard them coming down the street, banging, entering and leaving. When they reached me, I answered the door to two burly Koopa Troopers, one of whom kicked me across the room! And when I tried to ask him where his manners were, he laughed and spat in my face!
"I soon found out what they were really here for. Bowser had called for an investigation: everyone in Diamond City was being questioned about the League of Legends, and whether they'd seen you! Wario's old haunt, you see. They figured someone must know something."
Bowser's obsession driving him onwards, thought Peach bitterly. "Go on."
"I told them I knew nothing, as was the truth… But then they recognised me. Said Peach must be in contact with me. I protested my innocence, but they kicked me about until I could hardly stand. I presume they must have knocked me unconscious, because next thing I remember the house had been ransacked, the door had been torn off its hinges and the miscreants had gone."
"Oh Toadsworth!"
"Oh, don't worry about me," said Toadsworth, swaying a bit more now. "I'm staying at a friend's place. They'd already beaten him up, so we're safe for now. And I'm trying to pay him back for his hospitality by begging. Not going so well, mind you – everyone's LOVE-taxed to pieces, and no one comes out any more for fear of another Bowser attack… I think I'll sit down, actually. I'm feeling a tad faint, don't you know."
As Toadsworth sat on the street, fanning his face with his hand, Peach took stock. Bowser, still crazy about getting her back or stopping the LOL or both, had come to the conclusion that since she was travelling with Wario, Wario must have told a friend in his old dominion where he was. This was stupid: (a) Wario broke ties with Diamond City when he joined the LOL; (b) Wario was not thick enough to tell anyone where he, a wanted criminal, was going; and (c) Wario had no friends to tell. And for this, the Koopa had wrecked what was almost part of her ex-kingdom and beaten up her faithful old retainer.
Her blood boiled.
"Princess!" yelped Diddy in hushed tones. "Guards!"
"Good," said Peach, turning around. "Get the motor running."
Diddy hopped into the driving seat and revved the acceleration pedal. To his surprise, Peach walked straight past him and towards two burly Koopa Troopers with LOVE insignias. He was worried for her. Had he seen the look on her face, he might not have been.
"Hoy, you!" shouted one Koopa Trooper. "What're you doing, blocking the road?"
"Yeah," said the other. "And while you're at it, have you seen Princess Peach lately?"
Peach slid her hand down her top.
"Is that where you keep your papers?" said the other with a smile. "Ooh, saucy."
"You're sick, Frank," said the one. "Ogling humans like that. It ain't…"
The assembled company would never find out what it wasn't, because at that moment Peach's hand emerged holding a frying pan. How it fit down her small t-shirt, we may never know. What we do know is that it put a short sharp end to the one's consciousness, and did for Frank in a similar manner. Then it embedded itself in the scaly skins of the two repeatedly, while Diddy and Toadsworth tried to pull her away and persuade her to stop respectively.
"This is for my people," said Peach grimly.
"You'll get us killed!" yelped Diddy.
"Princess, please!" besought Toadsworth. "They're not worth getting captured over!"
The bloodstained frying pan drooped, along with the arm holding it. Peach let herself be hustled by Diddy back into the passenger seat of the Barrel Train, which was then driven in the opposite direction to that of their approach with all possible speed. Toadsworth looked around briefly before hobbling off down a side alley.
Two pairs of eyes, small black ones and swirly glasses, watched them go.
o o o
Bowser sat hunched over, looking despairingly at the stationary figure. He put one scaly orange hand on its head and let purple energy flow up from the figure into his claws. Slowly, the figure began to move, and by the time Bowser took his hand away Bowser Junior was fully mobile once more.
"Did it work, Dad?" he asked. "Am I super-powerful like you now?"
Bowser sighed and smiled sadly at his son. "Not yet, Junior. But we'll keep trying. You've got to brace yourself, think dark thoughts."
The funeral march that came from his desk telephone certainly inspired dark thoughts. Bowser waved his son out of the room, leaving just him and the cleaning squad, still trying to remove the remains of Bowser's ill-advised decision to have the sludge-spewing Petey Piranha guard his chambers.
"Yeah what?" he growled into the receiver.
"Und hallo to you too."
"Ludwig, this is not a good time," said Bowser, trying to be calm.
"Not a good time to tell you zat Iggy and I haff seen ze Princess? Okay, please yourself. I vill call back later."
Bowser's eyes grew several sizes and he jerked out of his slump. "Of course it's a good time! What was she doing?"
"Mmm… Nope. No, you said it is not a good time, so I vill haff to call you back. Auf wiedersehen, Papa."
Bowser drew a deep breath. "Ludwig, I'm sorry for shouting at you. I'm just having some problems at the moment. Now please, tell me!"
There was the sound of someone humming, as if considering his options, and of another person laughing. The laugh started low, went high and cackly and then sunk again into gloopy chuckles.
"Okay," said Ludwig at last. "I vill tell you vhat ve saw. Iggy says hi, by ze vay."
"I heard."
"It voz definitely her. She looked very different – no pink dress, just tiny t-shirt and short shorts, but it voz her."
Bowser's breaths down the line became slightly quicker and harder. "How can you be sure?"
"Ze blonde hair, ze big soupy eyes – definitely her. Plus, she voz talking to Toadsvurss, and zen she smashed two Koopa Troopers over ze head viz a frying pan."
"How dare she?" said Bowser, not sounding as if he meant it. "Those are my troops!"
"Zen she and a monkey drove avay in a Double Dash kart. Ve are now also pursuing zem in a Double Dash kart."
"Where did you get a Double Dash Kart?"
More gloopy chuckling from the other end of the line.
"Iggy made it out of ze scrap metals. It handles like a dream. Votch out, ve are going to hit ze tree! No, not ze river turn right, turn right, no ze uzzer right! Whew… But he drives like shit."
"Keep following them, my children," said Bowser, barely breathing, "and if anything else happens let me know."
"At vunce, King Dad."
As the line went dead, Bowser slammed his palm into his forehead. He was meant to be trying to distance himself from his other children, not feel proud of them.
o o o
Diddy stayed firmly behind the wheel from then on, frightened that Peach would drag them off to another brutal massacre that might get the two of them into trouble. He need not have worried – her little act of vengeance done, Peach was happy to lie in the back seat, raging against Bowser and thinking of all the wonderful ways she and Captain Falcon would crack open his horny head (in both senses of the adjective).
The journey proceeded without further incident. They drove, they ate, they slept, they pretended to be a woman working for a charity and a monkey she worked with, and generally all was as good as could be. The days passed, until six days after set-off they had journeyed across the massive suspension bridge built not long before the LOVE took over to link DK Island with the Mushroom Kingdom mainland. Now the jungle stretched out before them, rich and green and dark and filled with strange noise.
It was a sudden change. One crossed the bridge, gleaming and shining in the afternoon sun and utterly empty, and then as soon as the bridge ended BAM. Thick trees, shrubbery and a sudden increase in humidity, all radiating from a massive island with a rock that did indeed look like DK's head as a centrepiece. The screeching of cicadas echoed out of gaps in the greenery.
Peach hopped out of the train and stretched her legs gratefully. The lack of legroom had forced her to ride the passenger seat like a horse, legs stretched out on either side. Diddy remained in his driver's seat, looking out at the forest.
"Well," he said with a nervous chuckle, "this is it. DK Island. My ex-home. Hope your journey goes well, Princess!"
"Wait a minute," said Peach, turning on the monkey. "You said you were going to the island yourself. Not keen for some jungle japes?"
Diddy giggled. "The thing is, Princess… er… I just don't feel like coming! I fancy a hotdog, and you can't get hotdogs in the jungle! So I'll just take the train back, and…"
"Fair enough," said Peach quickly. "I can handle myself in the jungle; don't you worry about me! You go off and have a hotdog, enjoy yourself now won't you, byee!"
She cantered into the jungle before he could change his mind and come after her. Nimbly she leapt over low hanging logs, dodged trunks and ducked under creepers, until a vine at ankle height caught her foot and she fell face down in the soft forest mud.
Removing her mud-caked face from the soil, her ears were filled with jungle racket. The cicadas, loud from outside, now seemed deafening, and they were joined by a cacophony of birds and hooting apes. Factoring in the oppressive heat, moisture level and lack of any sense of direction, and Peach was seriously regretting leaving Diddy behind.
"It's three words."
Although suddenly the heat, moisture level and lack of any sense of direction did not seem so bad.
"What is?"
"'Quit bugging me'," said Diddy, dressed in t-shirt and cap again. "You said 'Two words'. It's three."
"Why are you here, Diddy?" asked Peach, trying to pick herself up and plunging an arm into a sinkhole.
"There are two spiny evil-looking creatures in a vehicle outside. I think they're looking for us. So, you need any help finding your way? Or something you want shooting? Hey, I can pretend to be a monkey again! I was really good at that, because – I am a monkey!"
Peach weighed the pros and cons of the situation. On the one hand, there was the possibility of getting another lecture on precisely why F# Major was Diddy's favourite key for playing the guitar in. On the other hand, there was the possibility of getting horribly lost in the rainforest, bitten half to death by mosquitos and having the other half pounded into jam by an angry ape clone.
"Oh, well, if you insist…"
o o o
Bowser sat hunched over, looking despairingly at the stationary figure. He put one scaly orange hand on its head and let purple energy flow up from the figure into his claws. Slowly, the figure began to move, and by the time Bowser took his hand away Kammy was fully mobile once more.
"Did it work, Your SubSpaceyness?" she asked. "Was the energy transfer successful?"
"No," said Bowser tetchily, "no it wasn't. You've got to try being more evil, Kammy. Cut down the chirpy optimism and start being truly diabolical."
"Ah, that's a shame," said Kammy chirpily. "Because you see, King Bowser, I'm awfully good at chirpy optimism, and not so good at being diabolical."
"I know."
The BowserPhone played its march. Bowser pushed his swivel chair with such vigour that he collided with his desk and knocked off several small objects. He fumbled the receiver several times before he picked it up.
"Bowser Koopa," he said, "and if you're going to tell me again that I have won and I just need to tell you my bank details to claim a million coins I will trace the call and have your company rased to the ground."
"I vozn't going to, actually."
"Ludwig, thank Hands it's you! What have you seen?"
"Vell, ve followed zem all ze vay to DK Island. Trouble voz, zere voz not much cover outside ze jungle…"
Gloop cackle gloop.
"…and even if zere had been, zey vould haff found us due to Iggy's constant laughink."
"They saw you?"
"Ze monkey. Zen he vent back into ze jungle viz ze princess."
There was a pause. Bowser did not know how she had found out about it, but he had a good idea why the princess was where she was. The monkey was an extra annoyance, but…
Oh no.
"The jungle?" Bowser yelled.
"Bitte?"
"Peach and her monkey friend went into the jungle!"
"Zat's vhat ve saw."
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit… Ludwig, I have to go. Thanks for the info see you later."
"Kind Dad, vait!"
"What?"
A brief pause. When Ludwig spoke again, his voice was timid. "Since Iggy and I found ze princess for you, can ve… can ve be generals of ze Mushroom Kingdom army again?"
"Yes, yes, you're both promoted. Talk to you later."
"Okay! Good-bye, King Dad!"
The line went dead, but Ludwig was happy. He gazed up at the sky, thoughts of a jolly jig in G going through his head. His father had recognised him! Oh frabjous day!
Iggy just rubbed his hands and chuckled darkly.