This was made by me (Shoez) and a friend (Sox). Bold by me, bold and italic by Sox.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any relating characters. If any of these ways to annoy/cheese off and/or not to do to Professor Umbridge sound similar to already existing ways to do the same, it is purely coincidental. (I spelled it again! SQUEE!)

~*~*~Chapter Two: Things We May Not do to Professor Umbridge~*~*~

"Oi! Lemme go!" Sox snapped, trying to twist out of Professor Snape's grasp. He had a firm hold on her shoulder, however, and he had the same hold on Shoez, who was also trying to get out of his grip.

"The Dark Lord will be hearing about this, girls, even if you do manage to get out of my grip." Snape snarled, tossing a violently pink strand of hair out of his face. When they got to the headmaster's office, Snape transferred Shoez to his other hand and shuffled across the room and picked up an old book. He set it on the floor, then withdrew his wand and pointed it at the book.

"What'cha doin'?" Shoez asked. Snape chose not to answer, but this was met by a sharp kick in the shins. "I asked; what'cha doin'!?"

"Making a portkey. Now stop kicking me." Snape snarled. Shoez felt satisfied with this answer, and fell silent. "Portus." The book glowed bright blue, then nothing happened. "Grab onto it."

"No." Shoez and Sox said defiantly. Snape made an ominous noise, and pointed his wand at the two girls.

"Imperio!" Instantly, the two girls' eyes slid out of focus, and they reached out and grabbed the book. Snape grabbed it as well, and then the three were sucked from the room. After spinning for a few seconds, they all fell flat on their faces in front of Voldemort. Snape was the first to get to his feet, and he flicked his wand, causing the Imperius Curse to lift off of Shoex and Sox. Voldemort took a look at Snape, obviously trying very hard not to laugh.

"PINK HAIR, Severus?" He asked.

"Yes, My Lord. Shoez and Sox's work." Snape said flatly, pulling the hood of his Death Eater robes up to hide his pink hair. "Good Lord, they're worse than Black, Lupin, and Potter sometimes..."

"We heard that..." Sox snapped.

"...And we take it as a compliment..." Shoez added.

"...But we still..."

"...'eard that!" Shoez finished. Voldemort twitched for a minute, then ran at the wall. Snape threw out an arm and caught him.

"My Lord, instead of trying to give yourself a concussion, why don't you give them another...list? Of what they can't do to Professor Umbridge? She came storming into my office this morning...I tracked these two down, and they hit me with a Color-Change Charm before trying to run for it..."

"Yes...Yes..." Voldemort said, and Snape released him. "But first...BELLATRIX!"

"Yes, My Lord?!" Bellatrix cried, Apparating into the midst. Shoez's eyes sparkled, she knew what Voldemort was planning. She nudged Sox, who also seemed to know. Eye's glittering, they waited...

"Get my camera, quick!" Voldemort said, and Bellatrix quickly Disapparated.

"My Lord!" Snape screamed.

"Hold him!" Voldemort commanded. Shoez and Sox launched themselves at Snape and knocked him to the ground when Bellatrix reentered, handing Voldemort the camera. Sox pulled Snape's hood off, and Voldemort took a picture while Snape looked ready to kill. "Very well, Severus. You may go." Muttering dangerously, Snape got to his feet and Disapparated.

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1) We may not assist Lee Jordan in releasing Nifflers into Professor D. J. Umbridge's office.

2) We may not threaten Professor Umbridge with a muggle bazooka.

3) We may not shoot Professor Umbridge with a muggle bazooka.

4) We may not transfigure Professor Umbridge into a toad.

5) Professor Umbridge is not a toad Animagus.

6) Professor Umbridge does not find a sign saying "VOLDEMORT WUZ HEER" amusing at all. Even if it was made with her Blood Quill.

7) We may not attempt to put Professor Umbridge under the Imperius Curse and make her unicycle through the Great Hall again.

8) Professor Umbridge is allowed to put us in detention if we tell her that she just lost the game.

9) We may not bewitch Quaffles to follow Professor Umbridge around and drop on her head whenever she assigns someone detention.

10) We may not attempt to sack Professor Umbridge, whether it be forging a Ministry document or going as far as to tie her up, put her in a sack, and leave her out on the grounds.

11) We are not to put the Imperius Curse on Professor Umbridge and make her write with her Blood Quill.

12) We may polyjuice into Lord Voldemort and break into Professor Umbridge's office while she is in it and scream "I'M BACK, YOU MAD OLD BAT!". We may not, however, break into her office and scream "VOLDEMORT IS BACK, YOU MAD OLD BAT!" without polyjuicing into Lord Voldemort.

13) We may not lock Professor Umbridge in a broom closet.

14) We may not handcuff Professor Umbridge to Professor McGonagall. If we do, we better have passed our Apparition tests and/or mastered Shield Charms.

15) We may not offer to induct Professor Umbridge to the Death Eaters.

16) We may not refer to Professor Umbridge as "that sadistic, mad old twit".

17) We may not lock Professor Umbridge in a room with Fenrir Greyback during a full moon.

18) We may not polyjuice into the Weasley twins and fly around Professor Umbridge's office.

19) We may not lock Peeves in Professor Umbridge's office ever again.

20) We may not attempt to slip Professor Umbridge some Veritaserum.

21) FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, DO NOT MAKE PROFESSOR SNAPE'S HAIR PINK AGAIN!

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"I GAVE YOU TWO A LIST, AND WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!" Voldemort screamed, throwing his hands in the air and glaring at Shoez and Sox.

"Dye Professor Snape's 'air orange?" Shoez said.

"Bring Professor Umbridge here so you could induct her to the Death Eaters?" Sox offered, giving Voldemort an innocent look.

"YES!" Voldemort exploded, his eyes popping slightly. "THAT WAS ON THE LIST AS SOMETHING YOU COULDN'T DO!!"

"Sir," Shoez began, pulling the list and a pair of glasses out of her pocket. She slid the glasses up the bridge of her nose, shook the list out, and cleared her throat. "You clearly wrote 'We may not offer to induct Professor Umbridge to the Death Eaters'. You said offer in there. We did not offer. We dragged 'er 'ere for you to offer to induct 'er." Shoez finished, and then she tucked the list back in her pocket before looking back up at Voldemort.

"You sick, sick girl..." Voldemort seethed, before turning to Snape, who was sitting in the corner, his hood up. "There is still the matter of changing Severus's hair color-"

"My Lord, you said we couldn't change his hair to pink," It was Sox who spoke this time. "If you look closely-" Sox pulled her wand out and flicked it so that Snape's hood vanished. He glared at her, and indeed, his hair was a brilliant shade of flaming orange. "-you can see that his hair is orange. Orange, my Lord."

"Can you make my hood come back, or change my hair color back?" Snape said loudly. Shoez turned to him, her eyes glittering with malice.

"Sure, I can change your 'air back," Her eyes glittering like that behind her glasses made her look like a demented insect, and Snape instantly reconsidered allowing her to change his hair.

"I change my mind!" He said, but it was too late. Shoez had wove her wand, there had been a bang and lots of smoke, and now both girls were rolling on the floor cackling like banshees. Even Voldemort was struggling not to laugh.

"H-here!" Sox said through her laughter, and she somehow managed to extract a compact mirror from her pocket and roll it over to Snape. With shaking hands, he picked it up and clicked it open. He got a face full of cosmetics, but he ignored this and took a look at his reflection.

"!!!!!!"

"Severus, you're hair is-" Voldemort began, bursting into laughter.

"LIME GREEN WITH STRIPES OF PURPLE AND YELLOW?!?!" Snape screamed, causing the glass in the mirror to shatter. "My Lord, help me!"

"Sorry Severus, but this is too much!" Voldemort said through laughter. "BELLATRIX, I NEED MY CAMERA!!"

Wisely coming to his senses, Snape stood up and Disapparated...

...Right into the middle of the Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch...

...While a game was going on.

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"Classic, Shoez, classic!" Sox said, struggling against the handcuffs Voldemort had put her in.

"Snape'll remember this for a LONG time." Shoez said dreamily, trying to gnaw at the collar of her strait jacket that Voldemort had put her in as well.

"Any progress in escaping the strait jacket?"

"Nope."

XDDD

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