He seemed to fill their vision. A huge mound of fur and muscle, his abdominals rippling in the mottled jungle light, his bright blue eyes shining down upon the Princess and the monkey. He slowly brought up fists the size of pork chops and banged on his chest, each beat accompanied by a solid thump, while his large mouth with teeth like slices of white bread yelled into the skies, sending the parrots that populated the jungle's trees flapping skywards shrieking.
"That's Uncle," said Diddy.
"Not strictly speaking," whispered Peach, "but close enough."
The incongruous red tie about the gorilla's neck, along with the tuft of hair springing from his mighty cranium, were the marks that identified the ape as Donkey Kong. The blue light emanating from his eyes identified him as a Project Z clone.
"I knew coming into the jungle was a bad idea," yelled Diddy hysterically. "Why did we come into the jungle in the first place?"
DK (as he was commonly known) fixed one cyan eye upon his nephew and leapt into the air. The sunshine that filtered through the leaves shone out behind him as he flew and descended, drawing back one chop-sized fist and slamming it into where Diddy would have been, leaving a hole in the ground and a shockwave that threw Peach into the air. Diddy squeaked madly and pulled out his wooden pistols.
"Leave Peach alone!" he shouted. "She's my friend!"
DK was all too happy to oblige and leapt at Diddy again, taking a swipe at the monkey. Looking regretful, Diddy fired several peanuts from his pistols, but they shattered against his uncle's physique and barely slowed him down. Peach's tennis racket to the head was more effective: it made DK turn around and stare at her with fury in his eyes.
"I said leave her alone!" cried Diddy, unloading his guns into the furry back that was facing him.
The gorilla seemed to have forgotten about his nephew. The cyan gaze was fixed firmly on Peach, who despite her defiant stare seemed to be trying to hide behind her racket.
"I wanted the frying pan," she said to herself. "I wanted the frying pan and I picked out the tennis racket. Why did I even bring the tennis racket? What good did I think that would be against the evils of the LOVE?"
A great fist caught her by the waist and tossed her up over the ape's shoulder like a doll. Diddy had activated his rocketbarrels and was flying deftly through the vegetation, peppering DK with nuts, but DK lacked the allergy that might have made the projectiles fatal and clambered up into the canopy with Peach on his back, smashing him across the head with little to no effect. As they climbed higher, the noise of Diddy's yelping from below faded out, replaced by the rushing by of branch after branch.
At last, DK leapt from the canopy into the sunset, seemed to hang for a minute and then came down gently onto the top of a tree. He placed Peach on a leaf bigger and wider than the two of them combined, and then roared sunwards in what sounded like triumph while playing a complex drum solo on his pectorals.
"Diddy!" yelled Peach.
A finger the size of a large sausage pressed itself against her lips, while the other hand gently removed the racket from her hand and threw it into the trees. Then the great ape dropped back through the canopy, leaving Peach to survey the situation.
So far in her journey through the jungle, the princess had fallen in the mud, submerged her arm in the same mud, stepped in a jungle pool, got parrot dropping in her hair, narrowly avoided a boa constrictor looking to give her a hug, listened to a repeat of the F# Major speech, been kidnapped by an evil gorilla clone and contracted over fifty mosquito bites. She looked a mess, she felt a mess and if Diddy did not arrive soon to save her she would make a mess of his head.
Donkey Kong did not seem to be returning for a while, so Peach made use of the time to reflect. The leaf was at least reasonably comfortable, so she stretched out upon it and, gazing at the crimson-streaked sky, lay a while in thought.
Poor Toadsworth, she mused. Beaten to within an inch of his life for not knowing where she was. In the olden days it was never like this. There was no running around the country, no battling giant robots, no blue jackals or purple cats or cap-wearing kids hacking into your brain, no SubSpace keys, no being assaulted by giant apes. Not for her. She just sat in her castle, or Bowser's occasionally, and ran the country. Life was simple.
Of course, there was no Captain Falcon back then, either.
However, this was one moment where, stupid romance aside, Mario would have been better to have on call. He was adept at rescuing damsels from the clutches of apes. Donkey Kong's father had possessed a penchant for capturing attractive ladies – one after another he would steal away the plumber's many and varied girlfriends, only to have them forcibly retrieved.
Mario would have leapt from tree to tree, vine to vine. He was every bit as agile as DK, and with a more impressive jump. Once at the top, he would have battled DK in style, eventually defeating him by knocking him off the canopy or jumping on his head repeatedly or something similar. Then he would have helped Peach down like a gentleman, holding no more than her hand.
What would the Captain have done? Punched something, probably. What help would that have been? A Falcon Punch to the tree would have sent her crashing to the ground, resulting in torn clothing and pain. Mind you, there was always the possibility of him catching her in his rugged arms as she fell, holding her close as he fought off the aggressor one-handed and sharing a passionate moment in the aftermath…
Peach descended from the dreamy heights to find DK standing on the leaf before her, hands behind his back, cyan eyes not harsh and glittery but shining softly like sapphires at dusk. She knew that look all too well, but it surprised her to see it on a Project Z clone.
DK walked slowly up to her and revealed his hands. Clasped in one was a curved metal object, glimmering in the light from its bearer's eyes.
"A golden banana? Oh no, I couldn't possibly…"
But it had been pushed into her palms. DK took a step back and looked at her face with his head on one side, twisting his fingers awkwardly.
Peach smiled. "Thank you, Mr. Kong. That's very thoughtful."
"Mr. Kong" broke into a massive grin, his teeth glimmering even more than the banana.
"Come here, Donkey," said Peach.
The ape toddled up to her like an obedient puppy and craned his neck down to be scratched. His fur was rough and tangled and no doubt lice-infested, but Peach overcame her distaste and sang while she rubbed.
Peach's voice was astonishingly high. It made dogs cover their ears, and was no doubt the reason that the Zubats had shown a particular desire for her in Mount Moon. It was therefore not best suited to the singing of low, calming lullabies. However, there was one item in her repertoire that, while not as soothing as Jigglypuff's melodies, could still charm anyone within listening distance into heavy slumber. It was inherited from Peach's mother, the previous Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, and was called "The Song of Peaches".
Peach sang it now, in a faltering voice, describing how ten peaches in an orchard did grow, wondering as she sang how easy it would be to slip the dozy ape's giant head off her lap after he fell asleep, whether she could do it without waking him and how far she could run while he dozed. DK had no such worries. A foolish smile upon his face, he closed his eyes and willingly abandoned himself to whatever dreams Project Z clones may have. Soon he was emitting titanic snores, and Peach involuntarily caught sight of the purple sparkles down his throat.
The peaceful scene (sunset, bird calls, dozing ape) was interrupted by Diddy bursting through the canopy, rocketbarrels-a-blazin' and guns all ready to blaze. His determined expression turned to confusion, the fire in his rocketbarrels fading like the fire in his mind.
"What are you…?"
"Shhh," hissed Peach. "The clone of your uncle's asleep. I just need to shift his head…"
She stopped talking.
"Diddy," she said in a worried tone, "did you just feel something tilt?"
"Yes," Diddy replied. "I think it might have been the tree."
o o o
CreeeeeaaaaaAAAASNAPSNAPCRASH.
Onomatopoeia fails me. Even if I was able to accurately display in the symbols on my keyboard the sound of the great tree collapsing, how could I then expect to describe the high-pitched scream of the princess, the forlorn wail of the monkey and the anguished bellow of the gorilla? I could not. Better just to say that as the tree neared the end of its earthward journey, Diddy jetted off while DK wrapped his furry body around Peach, who was stunned enough not to object to the smell of damp ape pelt. They fell from their perch in a hairy ball that unravelled relatively unharmed.
"Get your stinking paws off her, you damn dirty ape!"
Two shapes were partly visible through the trees. In true comedy duo fashion, one was large and the other small. The large one was seething with undisguised rage, making his large horns, spiked shell and immense stature even more intimidating. The small one, clothed in purple, appeared to be sucking a sweet.
"Bowser?" said Peach.
DK gave a hoot of rage and positioned himself between Peach and her perpetual antagonist, fists raised.
"How interesting," said Kammy. "It appears that the Project Z clone, regardless of the fact that its primary directive is to help us by keeping people subjugated in a state of fear, is rising against its creator in order to defend the princess."
"Thank you for telling me what I already knew," growled Bowser. "There's only one thing to be done with a defective clone."
He stretched out his hands towards the clone. DK's vocal chords let out an almighty yell, and then purple energy was streaming from the ape into Bowser's claws. DK gave Peach a last forlorn look before his form dissolved into purple, which Bowser absorbed wordlessly. The whole process took less than a minute.
Peach looked at where her former kidnapper had been without saying anything. A being born of evil, he had risen above his origins to defend her from her assailant, and now he was deprived of existence without so much as a tombstone.
"How COULD you?" she yelled.
"My apologies, Princess," said Bowser, stepping forward. "I came here with the intention of protecting you from that thing."
"Oh really? Well, explain to me why you then killed it when it was protecting me from YOU!"
Bowser's mouth hung open for a moment, as if the really good counterattack he had just thought of was eluding him.
"Eat peanuts, motherfucker!"
While Kammy emitted a cry and hid behind her master to avoid the flying nuts, Bowser remained unperturbed by the projectiles that the newly returned Diddy was firing at him. He gave the shrieking monkey a bored look from beneath half-closed eyelids. Then he retreated into his shell, spun on the spot and, in an attack worthy of Sonic, shot into Diddy at high speed. The monkey was knocked out of the air, his barrels flying off in different directions, and impacted with a thick tree that rendered him unconscious instantly. Bowser brushed the earth from his shell.
"What sort of language does DK teach his relatives?" he said, shaking his head. "Astonishing."
"But your Politeness," said Kammy, "not so long ago, when you were talking to Ludwig and Iggy, you said…"
A large orange foot plonked itself on top of the Magikoopa's head, preventing further dialogue.
"Princess," said Bowser, struggling to balance with one foot on the soil and the other on Kammy, "you may be critical of my methods, but I hope you will not refuse an offer of aid."
"How could you possibly help me?" Peach shouted. "And why should I accept help from you?"
"Because if you don't, you will be lost in the jungle for ever, wandering around being bitten by mosquitos if you're lucky and larger animals if you're not. Or do you know where the key is?"
Now it was Peach's turn to drop her jaw and shut it again. She longed to have Shadow's energy tracing properties, but bereft of them Bowser had the advantage of her.
"I want you to understand that should I accept (and I'm not sure I will) it means nothing," she said, flushing with annoyance. "I will not tell you anything you may want to ask me about anyone. Is that clear?"
A shadow passed across Bowser's face. "You do realise that I'm the one offering the service? I should be naming a price."
"Yes, but I'm not the one with the human fetish."
Bowser watched her for a moment, his eyes blazing and smoke bursting from his snout. Then he roared and punched a nearby tree, his fist covered in purple fire. It burned for a second before becoming ash. He turned back to Peach, his eyes blazing. Peach watched placidly, arms crossed.
"All right," sighed Bowser, "your choice. Let's get going."
Peach sashayed after him with a smug smile.
o o o
Somewhere in the backlog of Nintendo's history, a human civilisation had dwelt in the forests of DK Island. Long since disappeared now, their handiwork remained, including several marvellous old temples. Many were in various states of disrepair, but one could still see the hard work and effort that had gone into making the buildings, and marvel at the artistry of the sculptors that had decorated the outsides with their stone figures and monuments.
The temple they stood outside now was not one of these. It was a bog-standard step pyramid design, with shiny new stonework and no building innovation whatsoever. The only decoration was a massive rock effigy of Bowser's head leering from over the door.
"Oh, how clever," said Peach from the rear of the procession. "I never would have guessed that you'd hidden the key in the temple with your face on the front."
Bowser ground his teeth.
They walked up the temple steps. Peach half expected the Bowser head to animate and attack, but it stayed utterly motionless. Its empty rock eyes stared blankly at the party as they neared the dark entryway.
"Say your hero did manage to get past Shadow Donkey Kong," said Bowser, his voiced tinged with ire, "and managed to reach the temple with my face on the front." He said this last bit in an imitation of Peach's voice, which due to the earthquake-inducing bass he owned was nothing like Peach's voice. "Would he then be able to pass… this?"
The temple interior was lit only by the bubbling pools of lava, over which precarious-looking platforms slowly moved. The mighty stone Thwomps, their faces calm, hovered above, ready to slam down and squash anyone foolish enough to walk underneath. Cannons around the room periodically fired Bullet Bills, their angry eyes briefly focusing upon the group at the entrance before they hit something and detonated. Chains of fire moved across the path, spikes fell from the ceiling and the walls of stone passages slammed together, crushing anything unfortunate enough to stand between them. It was an obstacle course that would have struck fear into the hearts of the stoutest of men.
"Yes," said Peach.
"I know," said Bowser, chuckling. "No hero could ever hope to – what?"
"Bowser, this is just like all your castles!" said Peach. "Every time you go to so much trouble with tricks and traps that Mario always ploughs through, when you could just lock the door!"
"Lock the door?"
"It never even crossed your mind, did it?"
"Yeah, well, not like it matters!" said Bowser, turning to the wall and pressing the bricks in what looked like a specific order. "Mario's in the Dark Prison, and Luigi's too petrified to act! Who's your hero going to be? Wario?"
"The Captain could…"
She put her hands over her mouth, but too late to stop the words emerging. Bowser turned slowly, mouth half open. Kammy just gaped.
"Captain… Falcon?" asked Bowser.
"Yes," said Peach defiantly, arms crossed and face bright red.
"Oh, now I've heard it all," said Bowser, turning back to his bricks. "As soon as Mario's out of the picture you turn to the first attractive male who falls into your path, even though he has a renowned reputation as a womaniser who only truly loves his machines. That's how it is, isn't it? Yes it is. What a little whore you are."
"Well at least he's not ugly and fat and scaly with eight bastard kids!" Peach yelled.
Bowser paused briefly, before sending his massive fist hard into the wall. Peach never found out whether this was out of anguish or necessary to finish the sequence. She suspected a bit of both. At any rate, there was a shaking and a rattling of mechanisms and a large green pipe emerged from the floor nearby.
"Get in," Bowser said hoarsely.
Peach gave his shell a glare before jumping astride the pipe and descending into its murky depths. Warp Pipe Tech (or WPT) was one of the great strides in technology the country had made in recent years: two ends of a pipe, joined by a small wormhole, functioned as a warp device, and the princess emerged in a small chamber not ten metres in each direction. When Bowser and Kammy had followed her through, the space felt rather tight, even after the other end of the pipe had retreated into the ground.
This was also due to the large glass case in the middle of the room, standing on a stone pedestal and containing a brilliantly sparkling golden key with a blue stone. Peach recognised it from the Saturn Pork Bean, only this one was cleaner. She forgot about Bowser briefly as she observed its shine. Kammy stared at the object open-mouthed, while Bowser walked over to the case with a sullen air.
"Looking for this, were you?" he said. "No doubt Wario told you what he knew, such as it was: that it would let you enter the Dark Prison, and save you from the Day of Reckoning when it came."
"Something like that," said Peach faintly.
"He's part right. What he failed to tell you is this: the key may protect you for a short period of time, but sooner or later it will fill with SubSpace. Then you too, and any other who has managed to claim one, will succumb to the same fate as the rest of the world."
"So what would you suggest?"
Peach flinched as Bowser shattered the glass case with a single punch, but stepped away from the little key as it fell to the floor. Then he turned to her with a sad expression.
"I can help you," he said. "I can save you from the apocalypse. If you will only let me, I can protect you."
He stretched out a large orange hand towards the princess, who recoiled on impulse.
"No!"
"I know you hate me, Princess Peach," said Bowser solemnly, "but you must remember that, however bad I am at showing it, I do not reciprocate. I… I care for you, as I am sure you're aware. Let me do something for you, for this kingdom's true ruler, just this once."
Peach was astonished by this display of frankness on the Koopa King's part. While the admission of affection on its own was long overdue, to admit that she ought to be in charge of the country was unheard of from Bowser's large beige lips. She coughed down her words of contempt and stared at the outstretched paw for a while before she finally spoke.
"I appreciate you acknowledging that I am the kingdom's true ruler," she said slowly, "but I cannot accept your help. I've seen what you have done to my country, and other countries, and my people, and I know that you have imprisoned my Mario. Until you address these mistakes, I will not accept help from you."
Bowser's red eyes hardened, his shaggy orange eyebrows bristled and his fists clenched; yet his voice remained calm. "Princess, I am a villain. I cannot do everything you ask of me. I can do my best to increase the living conditions of your people and make their lives more reasonable, but I cannot and will not release Mario."
Peach crossed her arms. "Then no deal."
"Why does he matter to you anyway?" asked Bowser, his level voice vibrating slightly. "You have your captain; he's much more attractive than a dumpy Italian plumber. Should I free the latter, you will never be able to pursue your true love without suffering torments of the…"
"Shut UP!"
Despite the Koopa King's barely contained fury, it was Peach who snapped first, her dainty hands strongly clasped and blood vessels standing out in her eyes. Kammy once more scurried behind Bowser, who looked taken aback.
"How DARE you try to smear my reputation by associating me with that brainless jerk! The Captain would come to my aid when I'm in trouble – that's all! And he will never, never, NEVER replace Mario in my heart!"
With that, she swept around and made for the temple's exit. It was a futile gesture – even if she had wanted to take her chances with the Thwomps and the lava, she could not have returned to the group empty handed. She was counting on the soft part of Bowser's heart getting the better of him.
"Take it."
But it was fair to say that she was not expecting that reply. She turned slowly.
"Wha…"
"TAKE IT!" yelled Bowser, flames flying from his face. "I'm sick of the sight of you! Just pick up the Handsdamn key and get out of here!"
Peach rushed forward and scooped up the key before the Koopa could change his mind.
"Kammy, give the princess a warp pipe back to the east edge of the Mushroom Kingdom," said Bowser, turning his back.
Her old hands shaking slightly, Kammy waved her wand and produced another large green pipe. Peach clambered up on top of it in a manner that she would have been hard-pressed to describe as ladylike. With the edge of the pipe gripped between her thighs, she turned back towards Bowser.
"Thank you," she said.
"Just… go."
Peach slid down the pipe and out of sight.
"But I thought we were meant to be keeping the key safe at all costs, your Sulkiness!" said Kammy, sending the pipe back into the ground with a wave of her wand. "You said Bowser Junior would…"
"There might still be time," said Bowser. "I need to try again. Quickly, take us back to the castle."
Kammy, still trying to understand her master yet loyal to a fault, brought up another pipe.
o o o
"Welcome back."
As Bowser emerged from the pipe and heard these words, his heart sank, burrowing through his diaphragm and down towards the planet's core with remarkable energy. The words were delivered softly, in a lilting tone, and to the untrained eyewitness might have sounded genuine.
Or rather, to the untrained earwitness they might have sounded genuine – the untrained eyewitness presumably has eyes, and could see the circle of Moblins that surrounded the pipe, Bowser and Kammy. Beyond them, the speaker was playing keepy-uppy with the head of a Koopa Trooper.
"'Going home to see the family', eh?" he said, punting the head out of a window. "So where exactly does a warp pipe going to the SubSpace Key temple fit into that?"
"Ganondorf, I…"
"Was one of your troublesome children hiding there, Bowser? Maybe a loyal soldier? Or perhaps one of your estranged wives?"
"Look…"
"Or maybe it was Princess Peach."
It was not a question. The softness had disappeared from Ganondorf's voice, replaced by brick-smashing annoyance.
"We work together, Bowser," he said. "That was the plan. We work together to take over first Nintendo, then the galaxy. You, me and him. So we agreed. So why have you now given Peach one of the SubSpace Keys?"
"How did you…"
"I knew it," said Ganondorf, beginning to pace. "I had my doubts about you, Bowser. You may have been evil enough to absorb SubSpace power rather than be stopped by it, but your heart is soft and weak. This affection for your family, and for this wretch with a blonde blancmange atop her head, stands between you and reaching ultimate power. Fortunately, I was also able to take advantage of it and detect your betrayal."
"I…"
"Your son, Bowser. Not Ludwig – despite everything you have done to him, he continues to cling to you like some foolish dog – but the other one with the crazy hair."
"Iggy?"
"Whatever. The important thing is that after years of being outshone by his half-brother, he was all too willing to tell me…"
Bowser interrupted with a furious roar. He bounded over the Moblin's spears with surprising agility, coming down with a hard thump next to Ganondorf. He snatched the green man up by the neck and held him aloft. Ganondorf hung in mid-air, legs kicking, his hands trying to loosen the vicelike grip. Although his army surrounded Bowser with their weapons, their commander, just briefly, looked less maniacal supervillain and more comic relief bad guy. After a short while, he gave up trying to prise the claws apart and, spluttering for breath, clicked his fingers.
Bowser recognised the green troll who came to the fore. His message had started the whole SubSpace saga. He also recognised the figure tied to the large pole, held aloft, and his expression of fury became forlorn and desperate. The troll was grinning like a beast finally revenged for the loss of his steed.
"Release me or he dies!" Ganondorf managed to say.
Bowser looked from his favourite son to his worst enemy, again and again, and then dropped his captive. The green man gasped gratefully until his lungs were back in order. Then, with a slight cough, he readjusted his cloak and armour and smiled at the drooping form of Bowser, looking as thoroughly beaten as he actually was.
"You have shown that you are no longer fit to be in control of the Mushroom Kingdom," said Ganondorf. "You are clearly suffering from a bout of insanity. Until it clears up, I shall take total charge of the country, and of Project Y."
Bowser merely stared at the floor, his fists clenched.
"The SubSpace Key which, in your madness, you gave to Princess Peach must be retrieved as swiftly as possible," continued Ganondorf, pacing once more, back upright and eyes tilted skywards in thought. "But I think our little guard can manage that, don't you?"
He gave the green troll a look. The troll grunted and brought the pole smashing down onto Bowser's head, the figure tied to it yelling through the gag as he hit his father, who barely seemed to notice. Ganondorf moved his face close to the Koopa's own.
"And should you cause me any more trouble," he hissed, "your son will die. Understood?"
o o o
Peach was spat from the pipe and landed flailing back on the soft sand of Dry Dry Desert. It was early evening, and the cries of fennec foxes echoed across the dunes. The pipe retreated as Peach picked herself up, stared up at the cloudless sky and gathered her thoughts.
No more Falcon. Absolutely strictly no more Falcon. She did not want to give that asshole tortoise any more chances to slander her. From now on, she was a Mario woman, one hundred per cent devoted to rescuing the tubby little plumber from the clutches of the evil LOVE and their Dark Prison.
The more she thought about it, the clearer the figure of Mario became in her mind. Quite a bit shorter than her, he made up for it by the enthusiasm he exuded. The layers of fat hid muscles like steel wire; his legs especially were, in their own way, as stacked as the Captain's. Whatever trouble Peach might have found herself in (apart from this one, obviously), she could count on Mario to appear, his moustache impeccably groomed no matter what danger he might just have ploughed through, and to rescue her with the manners of a proper gentleman.
That was Mario, plumber, doctor and hero. That was the man she loved. No more getting him confused with Luigi – she had him in her mind, and she would not let him go. Not for anything.
"Hey!"
No.
"You looking for a ride back to Hyrule Field?"
She spun around, and there he was. Not Mario, the other one, waving from his car and looking rather pleased. He hopped out and strode over the sand towards her, on thighs that were surely more stacked than anything Mario could lay claim to. Peach could not meet the glittering grey eyes, and instead looked at the sand.
"Hello, Captain," she said.
"I think you can call me Douglas by now," said the Captain. "You got the key?"
Peach extended a hand, in which the offending article lay. She had never considered the prospect of him having a first name.
"Sweet! Me too! So, d'you want a ride?"
Peach was on the point of declining when she caught the Captain's eyes. They seemed older somehow, as if he had seen a great melancholy that had chipped off some rough edges and sanded them down into kindness. The chiselled jaw was still chiselled, but the face above it wore a softer, sadder look.
"What happened to you?" she asked.
"I said good-bye to an old friend," he answered. "Forever. And put an old enemy of mine in hospital with cancer."
"You gave him cancer?" Peach said, aghast.
"Yes I did. My Falcon Punch is powerful enough to cause cancer."
Peach nodded, not quite believing the boast and yet not quite not believing it either. She wondered who the friend was. A racing pal, perhaps, or an old flame? The Captain was known to be elusive by nature. He had few true friends.
"Peach."
Peach came back to earth a bit too late to stop the Captain sweeping her off her feet. His face was inches from hers.
"If you won't come to my car willingly, I'll have to take you myself."
This was not what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to stun him and herself with a sudden and surprising use of willpower, putting him firmly in his place and letting him know that she would love Mario only. Now he had the advantage of her, and worse the shock from being lifted up had set her heart beating at an alarming rate that it was all too easy to confuse with attraction.
"Captain…" she said, "I'm n-not sure I feel comfortable with this…"
"Then walk to the ship on your own."
All at once she was back on the sand, barely able to support herself, while the Captain's broad shoulders retreated towards his car.
Peach was dizzy. Her thoughts whirled. He hadn't kissed her? Why hadn't he kissed her? Was she not good enough for him? Why not? Had he not liked that kiss after all? What the hell was wrong with him, the stupid prick? She wanted to yell at him, at his arrogance, at his cold and uncaring nature…
Instead she followed mutely to the car.
o o o
In the glow of the streetlights, two Magikoopas stared at the road ahead, their purple sashes momentarily removed as they leaned on their magic wands and gazed into the darkness. For now, the street was still, and the only sound was the chirping of cicadas in the grass. All was calm, all was bright.
"Y'know, Arnie," said one, "there's that Donkey Kong guy. He can drive."
"For Bowser's sake, Ernie, DK's an ape. I said monkeys can't drive."
7
1 And it came to pass that many heroes and villains did venture forth into the Gate of Souls over the years. 2 And what with having to throw each and every one out, and deal with the occasional villains who took too strong a blast of SubSpace on entry and were thus empowered, the Hands were getting rather ticked off with the whole affair.
3 Thus it was that one day the Master Hand did approach the Crazy Hand, who was occupied with its Play-Doh. It had created a scale model of Nintendo, and was smashing it to pieces. 4 And the Master Hand did say unto the Crazy Hand, "Partner of mine, I am sick of everybody and their dogs strolling into our realm. 5 After the creation of SubSpace, we have had no troubles with heroes, but the villains come and go as if this is a shopping centre." 6 And the Crazy Hand did reply, "Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall." And it did receive a sandwich made of knuckle for its pains.
7 Then did the Master Hand continue, "For this reason have I sealed the Gate of Souls from the inside, properly this time. Now no being may enter here without our permission." 8 And the Crazy Hand did indicate its flat men, of which there were many, and said, "But what about my creations? Where will they go?" 9 Thus was the reply: "You are no creative spirit, but a destructive one. Destroy them. That's your job."
10 But the Crazy Hand could not bring himself to destroy its people, with their large noses. 11 And so did they remain in the void with the Hands, still cast aside, still useless, still forgotten.