Her flight over the battlefield had given her a taste of the speed and freedom offered by the Chaos Emeralds. If anything, the ball's power seemed to exceed the Emeralds', and raining a trail of pink petals down upon the lilac landscape Peach broke the sound barrier without even realising as she soared over her former dominion.
It seemed too easy – and of course it was. As she continued to fly, the sky in front seemed to roll up like a carpet. Peach felt her flight speed slow to treacle as time and SubSpace warped in front of her to prevent her from reaching her goal.
"Looks like Wario couldn't keep Bluey occupied for long enough!" she cried.
"Phoenix PUNCH!"
Not only did the flames and lightning springing from the Captain's yellow-gloved fist take the shape of a bird, they opened their wings and grew until they were larger than his wingspan before charging at the rippling reality ahead. Time creaked, SubSpace shattered and the way ahead was straight once more, the bird dispersing with a cry.
"What did you just do?" asked Peach.
"I don't quite know," said the Captain, looking confused, "but I think I might have straightened out space-time."
There it was. The tower in its finished state was smaller than the Bowser Power Tower by a few stories, but it was the large glowing purple orb at the top that gave it away. As Peach and the Captain got closer, they heard the ominous humming sound signalling that the orb was emitting SubSpace into the air.
"Peach," said the Captain, "would you care to do the honours?"
Peach smiled grimly and swooped in. The orb was really huge, a twenty metre-high colossus of a sphere, its inside dark and tumultuous as if it held a cyclone of oil. How was she meant to bring down something like that? Peach gave the glass an experimental tap, blossom springing from her fingers. Then she ascended to the top of the tower, landed gently on the orb and put her hands to the ground.
She pulled upwards. Something was emerging from the glass, at first a small shoot that, as she continued to tug it out, started to develop leaves. The trunk became thicker, and roots began to grow, snaking through the glass. Floating now, Peach continued to pull by the top branch. Green leaves turned to bright pink blossoms, lighting the tree up against the unending purple, until the blossoms fell and covered the orb, now with roots covering the entirety of its surface. Former flowers swelled through green to red, forming large ripe peaches that reached their maximum size just as the structural integrity of the root-ridden sphere failed and the tree fell through the broken glass into the whirlwind of SubSpace below.
The raging purple mist blew out in all directions, swiftly fading away and leaving nothing in the remnants of the orb but the tree, now latching onto the top of the building. A wave of colour began to move over the landscape. Peach saw the skyscraper turn from purple to grey, the roads below too, the sky becoming blue again. She and the Captain watched in awe as space spread back over the world and SubSpace faded away.
"Impressive," said the Captain, nodding sagely. "Nice use of botany."
"Thank you," said Peach, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes. She held up a furry round fruit. "Would you like a peach?"
A sly smile. "You bet I would."
He grabbed her wrist. The fruit was dropped and toppled to the ground below, scattering its innards over a wide radius, ignored by the passionately kissing couple in the sky.
o o o
Racing in the other direction, Zelda held on tight to the polychromatic Yoshi, wearing a determined expression as his white feathery wings bore them through the purple skies. The Hylian princess gripped the dinosaur's neck with one arm and her bow with the other, a quiver of glowing arrows strung across her back.
"Watch out in front!" she yelled.
The SubSpace was twisting itself into hard purple spears, which flew at the rider and mount. Instead of shredding Yoshi's wings and sending the two of them to a quick demise, they bounced off a golden wall of light. From behind his Mirror Shield, now emitting a golden glow, Pit flew on golden feathers, a broad smile etched on his golden face.
"Mom, can you see me now?" he yelled.
"Who's his mother?" asked Zelda. Yoshi shrugged.
The spikes continued to buzz into the shield like angry bees, and in front of them the SubSpace was hardening into a large purple plate, blocking the way to Hyrule Castle Town and the massive tower that stretched above it. How had the people not noticed it? Zelda wondered. It was smaller and made of simpler materials than its Mushroom Kingdom equivalent, but still bore the large purple orb on top.
"We'll never make it!" cried Pit, as the plate solidified in place.
Zelda gripped Yoshi tightly between her thighs, pulled an arrow from the quiver and notched it as if she had done so every day of her life. Squinting down the shaft, she let go with minimum flair. The white arrow whizzed through the air, through the SubSpikes, through the purple plate, through the sky and through the glass orb, shattering it into a million radiant shards.
"Nice shot," said a stunned Pit, as space began its journey back across the planet.
"The goddesses guided my arrow," said Zelda, smiling serenely, "and it shot true and smote my foes. Yoshi, back to the battle!"
"You know," said Yoshi, as he wheeled in mid-air, "I am able to make decisions on my own, and I was aware of the need to return and help."
"That's nice Yoshi."
o o o
"AaaaaaaAAAAaaaAAAAAAAARGH!"
Wario looked up. Barely five seconds ago, Tabuu had been beating seven shades of purple out of him. Even as Warioman, he was no match – Tabuu just became pure energy and burnt, deafened or shocked him, or returned to matter form behind his back and slapped him silly. But now, the blue creature was grasping his face and trembling, sparks flying from his form.
That was not the only change. The soil beneath him felt softer, warmer, more like actual soil. Looking around, he saw the clones no longer as purple wireframes but as hero replicas again, and from their blank expressions he realised that they were as confused as he was. Most tellingly of all, everything had stopped being purple.
"AAAAAAGHAAAAAA!"
Tabuu shot skywards, black flames now springing from his body. Warioman turned his attention to the clones around him, and punched a Falco experimentally. It flew satisfyingly into the oak tree, hitting the trunk with a thump and sliding down onto Super Sonic's head.
"Guess what we did!" he yelled.
"He smashed all the machines haphazardly, putting the lives of the heroes at risk," sighed a shadowy Meta Knight beside him.
"Oh whatevs. Let's kick some clone butt!"
He and Meta Knight flew into the fray, and as they did and a Chibi-Link hacked ineffectually at Wario's iron form, something else emerged from the portal. It could have been a Popo clone, but it was too wet and too bedraggled to look like it was capable of any fighting. It was followed by a Nana, looking equally sodden. The two glimpsed each other, gave tired squeaks of delight and embraced tightly.
"They're free!" Wario yelled, tossing the Link miles into the air in joy. Finally, his hard work as a villain was being undone.
A bedraggled Ivysaur with a sagging bud was next, followed by a Charizard with a pathetically small flame springing from its tail and a Squirtle that looked like it was waking up from a long nap. Then they all crowded around the form of Red, lacking any form of cockiness and with a drooping cap to match. A ball of purple magic followed, dispersing on contact with the air as Ganondorf's experiments with Link's "inner child" reached their conclusion. Then Link himself, then Donkey Kong, then Ness, all wet and tired but, most importantly, outside the prison.
While the heroes came out the LOL came back, and were soon setting about the now finite army of clones with gusto. This was helped by the fact that to all intents and purposes the LOL were currently invulnerable. This was certainly true of Sonic, whose yellow glow deflected any and all attacks while throwing foes into the air; Wario, whose body repelled everything effortlessly; and Meta Knight, past whom all assaults seemed to slip, while Galaxia sliced through all comers as if they were water. Pit almost fell into his category, as while he could theoretically be hurt any attempted attack would just miss, or the clone would get a reflection in its eye at the last moment, leaving it open to a blade in the gut that would cause it to burst apart in golden sparkles.
As for the others, they did not have much opportunity to feel pain as they spent most of their time airborne. The Captain flapped over the battlefield on wings that set anything they touched on fire, while his fists turned anything they smote to quivering jelly. Zelda continued to ride on Yoshi, raining her supply of shining arrows down upon the field like a particularly vicious hailstorm while her steed supplemented the hail with fireballs. Peach provided more of a support role, drizzling blossom over opponents that sent them to sleep or throwing tasty peaches to her allies.
And then the balls ran out.
If becoming Super felt like being drunk, only without the lack of co-ordination and with the power of flight, then what the LOL were experiencing now was the feeling of sobering up sharply because something has happened like, say, someone vomiting over your shoes, and that someone is Bowser, and his vomit is fire. Those who were airborne dropped gracelessly into the army below. Those who were on the ground stared around them in terror. The clones only took a few seconds to realise they had the advantage again.
In his last moments, as a Marth raised his sword above Sonic's eyes and a Kirby's laser whip circled around his legs, Sonic wondered what beasts on his home planet would say of him. Would he be thought of as a great hero? Would Dr. Robotnik be sad, in a way, to lose his arch-nemesis? And what about the rest of the galaxy? Would they recall the loss of the great hedgehog warrior with fondness? Surely they wouldn't forget him altogether, the one who had travelled between planets on foot? Surely not.
"Sonic."
Sonic screamed like a little girl.
"You scream like a little girl," said Shadow with a pained smirk.
"Do not! And what are you doing in the middle of the brawl?"
"I'm using Chaos Control without a Chaos Emerald," Shadow hissed. "It's very difficult, so shut up and listen up."
Sonic looked at the sword, hanging still in the air above his face.
"Before the waves of SubSpace hit, Snake and I thought up a plan to help you when you got out," said Shadow, panting. "Using the Emeralds to warp around the world, we found groups of people who might help us. I used Chaos Power to transport them here, hiding just out of sight, beyond those hills."
Sonic smiled. "That's..."
"I TOLD you to SHUT IT. Now, I'm going to restart time again very soon, and when I do I want you not to be surprised. All right? Don't be surprised."
"All right, I get it!"
Shadow nodded. "Good. Restarting in three... two..."
Sonic stepped away from the laser whip and blade, just in case.
"One... and we're on air!"
An arrow whistled into the forehead of the Marth clone, who staggered briefly before dissolving. Sonic leapt over the whip with a cry, eyes like soup plates.
"Damnit Sonic I said DON'T be surprised!"
In fact, the war horn that went off seconds later surprised everyone, LOL and clones alike, except Shadow. Leaving themselves open to attack, they gazed at the small band of soldiers running over the hill, their blue-haired leader charging with a face like thunder.
"Greil Mercenaries, attack!"
"Not us, though!" yelled Wario over the noise. "Don't attack us!"
Then he was set upon by a Samus and a Squirtle, who were both blown into mist before his eyes. Snake shouldered his missile launcher casually and punched an oncoming Ivysaur in the face with a knowing smile.
"All behind the banner of the aura!"
From another direction, the blue form of Lucario was marching, backed by a phalanx of furious looking Pokémon. The inflated figure of Jigglypuff carried a small yellow rodent with a massive head, eyeing the battle warily, on its hair curl. Mewtwo was the first to reach the battlefield, blowing apart two Donkey Kongs with its mind before they could lay a finger on it. At the same time, Ike reached the outskirts of the mêlée, where he was set upon by a Marth and a Link.
"All yours."
He stepped aside, leaving the Marth to blunder into the point of Lyn's blade.
"Got you," she said with a grin.
What a wonderful sight it was for the beleaguered League to see their allies pouring from every angle! Still severely outnumbered, the constant influx of reinforcements gave them hope, and distracted the clones long enough for them to extract themselves from the worst of the fighting. Indeed, each member of the LOL felt that certain reinforcements had arrived specifically for him/her:
-The Captain gave a bellow of joy when, flanked by the three Arwings of the remains of the Starfox team, the pink hippopotamic monstrosity that was the Fire Stingray slid into view. Standing atop it was Saki, gun-blade in hand and sniping and swiping with gusto;
-Besides the many Pokémon, Yoshi squealed when a stampede of Yoshis, led by the purple might of David, rushed towards the foe with egg grenades in one hand and fruit for the battle in the other;
-Pit was pleased enough when the Saturn Pork Bean, awkwardly piloted by a dozen or so bickering Mr. Saturns, sliced through the clone army. He was overjoyed when a multicoloured troop of Pikmin, seemingly under the command of Brewster, charged into view, grabbed the clones and refused to let go. When the winged centurions came down from heaven, he forgot himself completely and whooped;
-Meta Knight did not stop fighting for even a second, but beneath his mask he allowed himself a warm glow upon the appearance of the mini-Halberd. There was obvious evidence of a quick patch-up job, but it was still well prepared to rain down laser death;
-Zelda had to content herself with Midna, swooping down from the heavens in a blur of particles and lock lips with Wario, at the same time wrapping several clones in shadowy magic that made them explode soon afterwards;
-Peach could not quite be disappointed when Diddy Kong appeared on his Barrel Train, shooting at the clones. Even the appearance of the other Kongs, hooting and screeching and firing crude wooden guns of their own, could not dampen her spirits. The appearance of that cocky upstart Daisy, driving her pathetic plumber boyfriend in a Double Dash kart and hurling hollowed-out Koopa shells at the clones, was the faeces-flavoured icing on the mouldy cake that still failed to sadden her;
-A multitude of R.O.B.s jetted over the horizon, firing lasers and swiping with their arms.
"I promised them study grants if they helped," Shadow told Sonic while running from a barrage of fireballs. "That and escape from SubSpace."
The mighty roar that heralded the arrival of the Ultimate Chimera, with Lucas using telekinesis and swinging his beam sword from its back, seemed to complete the arrival of the backup brigade. Sonic, for a moment out of the fray, took a moment to smile to himself. They had fighters by the dozen, and the heroes would join in when they had recovered from their imprisonment. Surely with this army on their side they could not lose. He turned once more onto the battle, dodged the fist of a Mario clone and looked at the new state of affairs in horror.
Even counting all the R.O.B.s, Yoshis, Pikmin and GMs, they were still no more than six hundred of them, fighting perhaps four times that many hero clones. Was it really so surprising that even now so few had been prepared to go up against what they thought was the LOVE? Sonic recalled the fight with Mario in the Dark Prison, a powered-up Mario that had taken six of them, the LOL, down without stopping for breath. A cold sweat emerging on his brow, Sonic realised that they were sending the army to their deaths.
"Stop!" he yelled, avoiding another Mario haymaker. "Everyone, get out of here!"
He was not Super any more. Nobody heard him. He could only stand and watched as Olimar grabbed two Pikmin, so happy to see him again, and tore off their limbs; as two Donkey Kongs pulled a Yoshi from opposite ends until its head was tugged from its body; as a group of Nesses united to subjugate the might of Mewtwo beneath their psychic power, making it bleed from the eyes until its fragile skull shattered like pottery.
Sonic stared aghast as the thin purple form, pinkish blood gushing from its neck, slumped to the floor. One of the most powerful Pokémon in the world, destroyed without a moment's thought. This was not only a group of powered-up clones: this was a group of utterly unscrupulous powered-up clones, which is why Boney was being blasted over and over again by giggling Samuses, and why the little yellow daughter of Pikachu was surrounded by three clones of her father, bearing unfriendly smiles and tiny but visible erections.
"Attention, clone army and bald blue guy."
Peach knew that crackling voice so well. No amount of electrical interference could disguise the sound of an angry king of the Koopas. And it was booming.
There was another global turning of heads. The voice was coming from a gigantic warp pipe, erupting from the ground with its massive mouth turned towards the battlefield.
"This is Bowser Koopa speaking, and he is so pissed about being cast aside like a piece of rubbish that he is going to blow you all to hell."
From the dark mouth of the pipe emerged an obese behemoth of a craft, one large enough to rival the Great Fox or the Halberd, although its design strongly suggested it to be much more unwieldy than either. It was large, green and round, and Bowser's face stared out from the front. The pipe was large enough not only to spit this vehicle out, but also surround it with several of the Koopa Airtanks used in the first attack on Yoshi's Island. Then more, and then more, and then a few more emerged from the mouth. It was clear that the LOL had only experienced a fraction of the Koopas' artillery. This was the real deal.
"Thank you and good night."
Thousands of cannons aimed at the clones, milling about uncertainly on and around the hill. A particularly large one came out of the Bowser face's jaws, and tilted down on a pivot.
"Everyone get out of here!" yelled Sonic.
This time, with the deadly silence that had fallen, they heard him. Some did not hear him early enough. A combination of bullets, bombs, shells, explosives, lasers, grenades, rockets, Bob-Ombs and Bullet Bills poured down from the heavens upon those beneath, butchering ally and clone alike. The real heroes were safe, still recovering under the oak, but the LOL, mixed in with the army, were in trouble.
Sonic and the Captain ran as fast as their legs would propel them. Pit and Meta Knight took to the air and winged their way clumsily between the falling debris. Zelda warped out of the danger zone, Midna evacuated Wario in the same way and Yoshi jostled out in an egg. That left Peach, surrounded by two Marios and a Link who had been quite literally caught with their trousers down.
"Aloha, Princess."
Peach turned sharply, to find her scaly orange nemesis standing in the firing zone holding a microphone. Before she could comment or object, she was being swept up by his brawny arm and borne away.
"Get your clammy paws off me!" Peach screamed.
"Scales don't get clammy."
Peach twisted awkwardly in Bowser's armpit so that she was facing up. It was terrifying. She was looking into a sky that seemed to be falling apart into many explosive pieces. Bombs descended upon her face, looking almost certain to hit until Bowser jogged to one side. This would drag her into the path of another descending implement of death, until Bowser changed tack again. Sometimes she saw heads or limbs being propelled across her line of vision – otherwise she just heard the yells and smelt the blood.
But none of this was the most terrifying thing about her viewpoint. That would be the giant black orb, floating still above the Koopa fleet and growing ever so slightly. Peach gasped.
"Seen it, have you?" said Bowser, as the skies began to clear of debris. "That's Taboo-oo, that is. Someone probably ought to stop him."
She felt her orientation change, and saw two massive cream lips. Bowser was cradling her in his arms. It was not a nice feeling.
"You're the League of Legends. Do something legendary."
It was as if she had all the weight of a paper plane. Bowser had hurled her out of the danger zone, towards where the rest of the LOL were standing, away from the armageddon. The clones were ignoring them now, busy enough as they were avoiding death. For the second time, she realised that the Chaos Emeralds had restored her old dress. Catching the air in her skirt, she floated down to where the others stood, and then turned back to look at what she had left behind.
"It's ghastly," said Zelda.
"Barbaric," agreed Meta Knight.
Peach said nothing, but as Ike flew out of the fracas as well and landed on his face she had to give Bowser some credit. His methods were heavy handed, but what might the alternative have been?
"Never mind about the battle," she said, pointing upwards. "Bowser has that. That's our job."
It reminded her of a great black eye, a giant staring down at the world below with malicious intent, if the giant had been growing slowly and threatening in a quiet understated way to swallow the planet in something potentially worse than SubSpace. None of them knew what it was, this strange black substance that Tabuu seemed to be excreting – the only agreement was that it was unlikely to mean a positive change in their fortunes.
"Any ideas as to how we get up there?" asked Sonic.
Meta Knight opened his mouth, and then shut it again. The mini-Halberd had been over the fray when Bowser's troops flew above it, and was lucky to have escaped as a burning wreck.
"It is at times like this when..." began Zelda.
"Zelda, not now," said Sonic. "Unless your Farry's Wind can carry us all inside the sphere, the goddesses can't help us. Not with this."
A moment of silent (modulo all the explosions and wails and zaps) reflection.
"Actually," said Pit, "maybe they can..."
o o o
"So when you said you were in the goddess Pallywhatsy's bodyguard," said an astonished Sonic, "you were telling the truth?"
Pit grinned broadly. "Yup!"
Pit was slowly rising towards the sphere in a column of light, summoned from heaven by a short prayer. Around him, his friends were being carried by a few of Palutena's soldiers apiece. The Captain was hovering beside him, and cleared his throat awkwardly.
"Captain of a goddess' army?" he said softly. "That's... that's pretty cool, Pit. Pretty cool."
Pit chuckled. Then he looked conspiratorially from side to side, and whispered, "My full name isn't Pit."
"No?"
"No. My mom told me. It's Petraeus."
The Captain almost jumped out of the hands of his carriers. "P-Petraeus?"
"It's not a stupid name!" said Pit, bristling.
"No no! It's a great name! You... You must have had a great mother to give you such a cool name!"
Pit nodded. "Better than my father. He ran off before I was born. Selfish jerk."
"You don't know that!" said the Captain in outraged tones. "He might just have thought that... that having relations with a mortal would have shamed her! He might have left her for her own good!"
Pit wore a bewildered expression. "How do you know he felt? Have you ever had relations with a goddess?"
"Don't be stupid!" said the Captain, looking straight ahead. "'Relations with a goddess' indeed!"
Pit continued to look baffled. Yoshi, being carried just below Pit, shook his head and despaired at how oblivious humans could be.
The beam of light lifted Pit gently towards the black sphere, its oily iridescent surface gleaming in the morning sun. They were worlds away now from the chaos of the bombardment, and yet the sphere seemed to contain more chaos than anywhere else, trapped like the orbs atop the towers had trapped their SubSpace cyclones.
Gulping, Pit leapt from the beam of light towards the sphere, flapping once, twice and then the darkness was on him, clinging to his skin, enveloping him in the sound of a thousand voices, laughing crying screaming yelling while the black sucked at him, slipping over his clothes like a never-ending sea that suddenly ended and he was through, standing on a black platform in the sphere.
All was black and wet. The floor seemed solid enough, but it was over above the viscous goo, flowing above and around the angel. It emitted a strange grey light, as well as the emotional overflow Pit had heard – nay, felt – on his way in. Yoshi landed beside him, followed by the Captain, who shook his head and blinked rapidly.
"That's some crazy shit in there," he said. "Sounds like Tabuu's gone insane."
Pit shrugged. "I've been through worse. And at least it's not SubSpace in here."
The others came through, one by one, each shivering slightly.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Meta Knight, "welcome to the hell of Tabuu's mind."
Pit shrugged again. This was nothing compared to Giygas' emotional torment. Tabuu needed to man up.
They walked slowly along the platform, the noises of emotional hysteria accompanying them as they went. Their environment smelt musty, as if locked away for thousands and thousands of years. Occasionally one of them would hear some recognisable words from the oil – Wario swore that he heard "Forbidden" a couple of times, but none of the others could confirm.
No endless distortion of SubSpace, this. It was simply a path, curling inwards to the centre of Tabuu's little world. As they neared it, one voice of the many did grow more audible, sobbing hysterically. As they closed in, rounding a wall of glowing oil to find the cyan figure of Tabuu curled into a ball, the cries stopped, became a long hysterical laugh and then restarted again.
They stood for some time on the lip of the platform, jutting out over a pool of oil, and indeed under another. Between these pools Tabuu hovered, his humanoid form shaking as he sobbed. No member of the LOL wanted to attract his attention, risking drawing an attack, but if they did nothing his emotions might engulf the planet.
At length Sonic coughed. "Excuse me..."
Suddenly Tabuu was huge, his head three times the size of any of them, his chin level with their feet. His face filled their vision. Bright red eyes burned into their minds.
"So, you came," I said, as a large fat energy tear burst from my eye and dissipated into space.
The LOL looked at each other, wondering not for the first time why this creature insisted on narrating his exploits and telling them about his bodily functions.
"I thought you would," I said, looking at their questioning faces. "Look at what I've done! I've conquered space! I'm living in space! Nothing is forbidden to me!" He broke off for another hysterical laughing fit, ending in a heavy sob.
"Not really," said Sonic. "This is a giant ball of emotional goop. And, er, it looks like it's going to engulf the world."
"Emotions!" I said, my eyes turning to the heavens. "How you people deal with them so easily I do not know. SubSpace, in its unchanging nature, does not yield emotions. They are so painful! They sear my mind! But I have conquered them at last. Now they form this glorious orb, an orb which..."
"He's insane," said the Captain, as Tabuu eulogised the virtues of his orb. "He won't stop. What do we do?"
"We give him two choices," said Peach, dangling off the Captain's arm. "He can get out of here, or we take him out. He's weak now."
They whispered amongst themselves, not sharing my awe.
"We know what we're doing," said Sonic angrily. "We don't need you to narrate our own conversation!"
Sonic said, his eyes burning with emotion.
"Stop it!"
"But if I don't, who will record the story when it is done? Not you. You'll be too dead!" he cheered, shrinking to normal size and spreading his wings in preparation for...
Sonic had stopped listening to the rambling narrative. Twice those deadly wings had spread, each time releasing red circles of the kind that had reduced them to statues in the prison. Three times now they had faced the waves; three times they had been protected by something or someone. Now there was nothing between them and becoming eight trophies, cast aside into the oil, seen nevermore.
...charged up energy his wings, feeling waves of happiness and despair break upon his soul – his soul, yes! He had one, he could feel it at last! It beat within his breast where his heart was not...
Sonic began to spin. He sincerely hoped that Tabuu was too absorbed in his soliloquy to notice.
...the energy ready, he spread his arms...
Not as charged as he might have hoped. Ah well. The time to act is now. We should do this again some time.
The buzzing blue ball span off the lip, flying through space. To Sonic, it seemed as interminable as his flight to Nintendo. As Tabuu's wings glowed red, the hedgehog impacted with the right wing. There was a sound like breaking glass, and then it was glowing fragments that floated gently down into the oil. As Tabuu turned and yelled, Sonic bounced off thin air, giving him enough height and manoeuvrability to smash the other wing in the same manner.
What have you done?
Sonic uncurled, his momentum spent. He would drop now, drop into the emotion oil. Maybe he would drown there. Maybe he would fall through the bottom of the sphere and shatter on the grass below. Whatever. It didn't matter any more. He looked at the LOL, disappearing upwards out of sight, with a smile. See you later, guys. Or not.
A gold chain wrapped around his waist. The whiplash was massively painful but not lethal. He found himself being lifted, grabbed and now Tabuu was angrily manipulating neurons all up in his face.
YOU LITTLE SHRIMP! YOU TINY, UNIMPORTANT PIECE OF DIRT! HOW DARE YOU...
He stopped, holding Sonic by the throat as if weightless.
This is... anger!
The arrow hit Tabuu in one red eye. Then the Captain had Falcon Punched him in the arm. Tabuu screamed and dropped Sonic, who was whisked back onto his feet by Yoshi's elastic tongue.
And this is... surprise!
"That's for being a boring narrator!" shouted the Captain.
And this feeling I hold towards you...
He looked down at the LOL, fists clenched, hearts beating, fight or flight foremost in their minds.
Towards you pathetic, small creatures, thinking you can destroy my vision... Is it... disgust?
The peach hit him in the face. It was slightly overripe and burst on impact, leaving juice trails that wended their ways down the glowing cheek.
Oh it is on.
Then he was teleporting around them, flickering from one place to another. Then there were eight of him, charging at his opponents, each displaying a different emotion. Sonic barely avoided the angry rage of Tabuu's powerful slaps, while the Captain was dodging tears that stung like needles.
"Which one's the real one?" said Wario, punching at a clone that gave a shocked gasp every time it dodged a fist.
"They all are!" said Zelda, fending off the manic slashing of a laughing Tabuu.
They backed down onto the larger platforms, where there was less danger of being oiled. Golden chains were flung through the air, bouncing anyone they caught off the floor; and red rings, a lot less powerful now, shot out in all directions. Each Tabuu had also brought a pink blade to the party, as well as several varieties of explosive, and combined with the laughs, sobs, gasps and growls of the clones the emotions emanating from the oil were quite drowned out.
Meta Knight growled in frustration at a Tabuu who seemed to anticipate and dodge every swipe and every stab with ease. It danced around him, breath permanently bated, waiting all the while. Pit was reduced to sniping at his Tabuu, as it screamed and teleported frantically around the platform. Yoshi had a similar problem, except his Tabuu just jumped near the others, trusting that their attacks would hit the dinosaur.
Peach's Tabuu was the first to fold. He seemed to barely notice her, looking down his non-existent nose at her and tossing out the occasional attack while remaining well back. It was if he did not want to dirty his hands by touching the insect in the pink dress, who on the contrary was quite happy to touch him with her golf club. The drive hit the clone right in the crude organs, sending it snapping sharply back into the Captain's assailant.
After that, the chain ran by itself. The Captain's clone broke down into hysterical sobs, leaving his back open to a Falcon Punch that snapped it into Wario's clone, who seemed so very astonished by the new turn of events that he was easy pickings for a haymaker to the midriff. He in turn snapped into Pit's clone, who went from running around screaming to petrified, fixed to the spot. An arrow through the head sent him flying into Yoshi's Tabuu, who was thrown off balance into the path of an exploding projectile he had been trying to lure Yoshi towards, and who joined up with Zelda's giggling adversary.
Meanwhile, Sonic was fleeing from the heavy rain of explosives, lasers, chains and red rings that the angry clone sent his way, causing the clone to make more and more frustrated noises and become sloppier with his attacks. Finally he gave up, threw his arms down and had a screaming temper tantrum, which only ended when Sonic buzz-sawed through his chest. The clone joined up with Meta Knight's foe, who lost his intense concentration for the iota of a second that was necessary for Galaxia to find an opening and embed itself in his heart. Then he too joined up with the happy clone, fighting off the entire LOL with a continuous series of red rings and guffawing all the time.
All the other emotions have fallen, but so what? This is the best one! It makes me feel warm inside! My sphere shall be filled with this "happiness", and when it engulfs the world everyone shall be happy too! HA HA HA!
The sounds coming from the oil changed. The sobs, bellows, gasps all faded away, replaced by only laughter, getting steadily louder and louder. The oil faded from black to red.
Red is a happy colour! It makes me happy! HA HA HA!
"Let's finish this before I get seriously creeped out!" shouted Sonic.
Finish happiness? But why would you want to? It makes me feel SO GOOD!
The red oil rose in torrents from below, forming swirling columns that wrapped themselves around Tabuu, heaving with crazed mirth.
So happy! SO HAPPY!
"Din's Fyre!"
Oil or not, the fluid was certainly flammable. The flames licked hungrily up the columns, setting Tabuu ablaze. It was hard to tell whether he noticed or not – he kept laughing, on and on and on, as the entirety of his liquid sphere ignited around him.
"Well done Zelda!" yelled Peach over the crackling flames and cackling Tabuu. "You've just doomed us all!"
"I didn't think this one through..." conceded Zelda.
Join me! Join me in the inferno of happiness! Be happy FOREVER!
The eight members of the League of Legends watched as the world burned. The entire sphere was ignited now, with laughter rather than smoke springing from the flames, finding their predicament hilarious (or so it seemed). Sonic composed another "last moments" speech, his third today, in his head. Spreading his burning wings, Tabuu soared above the platform, still cackling, and plunged himself into the lit oil.
FOREVER!
They fell.
o o o
Covered in emotion oil, and with her dress badly singed, Peach looked at the ball of fire above. The oil was burning up, leaving great holes in the sphere that joined up, until the final patches of flaming liquid dropped from the sky, leaving nothing behind. No Tabuu, no platforms, no anything.
"Oh," said Peach, slightly confused. "Did we win?"
"Looks like it. Taboo-oo's gone, you're all safe, the heroes are free and the clones are dead. Yes, I'd say you won."
Peach looked around her. She was sitting on wooden planks, which had given her a painful landing when she fell. The others were sitting around her looking dazed and frazzled, apart from Meta Knight, who was perched on the safety railings looking at where the burning ball had been. Behind him stood the speaker, clawed hands clasped below his spiny shell.
"Lucky you were here to catch us," said Peach.
"Lucky nothing," replied Bowser. "I had my Koopa Cruiser positioned beneath that ball the entire time."
He continued to look at the skies, his head tilted thoughtfully. Peach took a position at his side.
"He was one hell of a villain," said Meta Knight. "True evil is just desire gone wrong. It can be desire for anything: knowledge, revenge, love..."
Bowser wheeled sharply and made as if to leave the deck. Peach caught his arm as he passed.
"Bowser, why did you help us in the brawl?" she asked. "Me I can understand, but I wasn't the only one."
Bowser shrugged without facing her. "I'm the number one villain on Nintendo. I'm not having the clones taking the credit for wiping out the planet's heroes."
Peach nodded and smiled. Love gone wrong... Love of a woman, of family, of people. So many kinds, and Bowser had them all. But love can be put right. She felt that even for Bowser, dark enough to absorb the power of the eradicated SubSpace, there remained hope.
"Thank you, Bowser."
Bowser sighed heavily and turned, a glowing yellow object in his claws. "Peach, I want you to have this."
Peach cupped the feather in her hands. It was oddly warm. She gasped as realisation dawned.
"Is this a Moltres feather?" she asked.
"Either that or a very good fake I paid far too much money for. Consider it my little way of saying sorry for everything that's happened."
Peach flung her arms around the scaly lizard, being careful to avoid shell spikes and spiny ornaments. Bowser's green face took on a pinkish hue as he delicately hugged her back.
"It's lovely," said Peach from over his shoulder.
"Don't think this means anything else," said Bowser, carefully extricating himself. "It's just a 'sorry'. I'm still going to be trying to take over the Mushroom Kingdom as soon as we get back home."
Peach smiled. "Life would be so dull in the palace otherwise. I'd have to work on tax legislation."
Bowser left the deck quickly to avoid letting anyone see his sheepish grin. Peach watched after him, not noticing the Captain coming up behind her until he put his hand on her shoulder.
"You done?" he asked.
Peach turned. "Yeah."
"Good." He pointed at the Falcon Flyer, hovering by the railing. Sonic was peeking out of the door, accompanied by the sound of a thumping bass line.
"PARTY TIME!"
They ran inside, hand in hand.
New Testament of the Master Hand
1
1 And lo! the Crazy Hand did awaken, and did look around itself, and was astonished. 2 It had returned to the Final Destination, which was now blue again rather than purple, which the Hand knew although it had no eyes. 3 And the Master Hand was there, presiding over it all and looking immeasurably smug.
4 "So you have regained consciousness, my sibling," did the Master Hand declaim, in its glory. 5 "I have recreated you, in my capacity as creative spirit. 6 Also over much time I have created more space in here, to replace the SubSpace. That stuff is just trouble waiting to happen."
7 And the Crazy Hand, still confused in its mind, did ask, "But how are you still alive, sibling mine? Were you not THWWWP-ed by Tabuu and his clones?" 8 And the Master Hand did answer, "Assuming that word means what I think it does, yes I was. 9 But I used my creative powers to recreate myself. Don't ask me how that's possible because I have no idea."
10 And the Crazy Hand, still uneasy in its mind, did press him: "If you can create this much space, why did you not make enough to swamp Tabuu when he was attacking us?" 11 And the Master Hand did reply, "This takes time to construct, time and effort. And now that it is done, I intend to bask in it."
12 And then they rested.