So…Welcome back. All I can say is great things are coming to you. I normally have a little tid-bit or proe to let you guys in on what's in store long term for my Prince Charming, but I'll skip the theatrics this once to just get you straight to the goodies. Much love…
Attention: I don't mean to steal anything (Besides possibly names, content, and basically everything about the Twilight world). I'll give it back if you so wish, but not without kicking and screaming and chaining myself to a tree. Don't sue. Give peace a chance.
*********************************************************************VeggieTales***************************************************************************
This is how it would be written. This is how the greatest and proudest moment in the history of our people would someday be told to our grandchildren around a campfire. Three menacing wolves, One wolfette, Two baby cubs, and "I-dropped-the-soap-again" Collin, hiding in the bushes across the road from the Cullen boundary line like a group of fucking furry peeping Tom's. We are cold hearted killers. A team of precision force, specifically engineered hunters of evil. And here we are. Twice the size of your average horse, diligently waiting on Daddy's order to attack, and trying to stay out of sight from all the fucking Toyota Camry's passing by.
After Jake broke Madame Fangbanger's hand with his face), there was like less than a sperm sized chance we were gunna talk him out of actually going to the Crypt Keepers' graduation party. So naturally Iceman and Cougar threw around some sentiments like "over their dead bodies if he thought he was going without them." And finally, Sam letting Jake do whatever the Hell he wants straight off the page from The Adventures of Daddy Warballs and little orphan Assface. Sam neglected giving Jake the same nut-crunching as the rest of us. Blood line or no, there's been a slight tinge of resentment from the rest of the gang lately because of all the preferential freedom Jake was allowed, regardless to safety of the tribe. When things cooled down, words would be had.
But I'm getting off topic. It had been 15 minutes since Embry, Quil, and Jake had de-furred and crossed the line to head up the road to the Cullen place. The rest of us were spread out on the line, ready to sprint up the drive at the first howl of trouble. Part of me was annoyed we were entertaining this at all. There were any number of Kimmy's body parts I would have much rather stayed home and sucked on. But the other part of me was adrenaline pumped that we were going to be able to finish this once and for all. But the last 15 minutes hadn't been that eventful, so my mind kept wandering to her beautiful little back dimples. The way her hair falls in front of her face when she leans over. The way she feels when she's on top of me. The way I feel when she's on top of m…and then Sam's in my head. Not yelling at me, but steering my focus back on track, reminding me where my attention needs to be. Man has mad skills. I don't know how he does it. At any given time he's got 10 times as much as the rest of us in his head, but it's all crazy organized and on point. Like a thousand little stacks of paper on a desk. The most important, in the middle, but at the same time keeping track of everything else. Being able to move whatever he's thinking about around at the touch of his fingers, while also keeping track of everything in our heads. You have to give the man fucking wolf respect to the highest order.
We were definitely all wired. Hopped up on the idea of a fight but worried about what that would mean for all the people in the way. At best, Jake would take a chunk out of one of them, and then lure the rest out into the woods. But shit happens. How many bystanders would get hurt if not drained in the cross fire? Even though Kimby would be upset, I secretly hoped Charlotte would be the unlucky one standing next to the punch bowl when Blondylocks gets overcome with blood lust. She had, in fact, laid her spider web of deception and was in attendance to make so and so jealous OH WHO FUCKING CARES? The point is, at least it would be a death I could attribute to karma.
But mostly we're all just trying not to daydream and keep our minds clear and on target. The little ones had more trouble focusing, but that's just lack of practice. Seth was getting better, but Brady still had a few overwhelming episodes of ADHD. But we were good otherwise. It was now really only Collin who used 'everybody's phased time' to exploit whatever he felt like. For example, he's currently telling Seth (the only one quiet enough to just roll over and listen) about this girl who he had pinned up against a bathroom stall and was fingering and…wait a minute, WHAT? I know we're all really in the zone, but I can't believe I didn't notice what he was talking about. Shocked, I just kind of let him keep going.
"So yea, she really liked it when I held her down a little. Chicks totally get into that shit." Seth just kind of pondered absentmindedly, like he was confused to just why he was the one being told.
"She was making little noises and everything. It was awesome!"
Jigga what the Hell? That's it. I'd hit my official refuckingdiculous quota.
"I. Call. Bullshit! I call bullshit on your lying, dying ass!"
"I swear to God. One minute, I'm looking at sleeping bags, the next, we're in the bathroom and I'm two fingers deep!" There was a pleased aura around him. Like he didn't mind us not believing him the first time, because he liked going into detail again. Through this whole ordeal, he's broadcasting some pretty realistic mental pictures, but that really doesn't validate anything in Collin's case. He's the type that bullshits so often; that even he can't tell what's made up at this point. We have bigger picture plans that this skill( when better honed) will really come in handy with that mind fucking bloodsucker, but until that time all he can accomplish is regaling us with all of his playground sexual fantasies that always seem to happen with girls "we wouldn't know". The latest being this particular string of rubbish. Out of all the people in this crumby town to be seduced in the bathroom at Newton's Sporting Goods, it would at least have to have happened to Paul before that douche. Paul shared my sentiments.
"So cum bucket, what you're saying is, that a girl, (one with tits still attached) chose you at random.. and then let you dip in the twat…..for free" Ha. Paul was the only one willing to admit that shit like that happens all the time. Just not to Collin.
"For realllll. She was so fucking hot. And oh god…soo wet" Pa-lease! This was turning into one of those stories told by a virgin, using lingo he'd picked up from soft porn on Skinimax.
"I'm sure. And her breasts were like silky bags of sand, were they?" Leah, who had been trying her damndest to stay out of this, finally opened her flood gates of disgust.
"Listen you assholes. There is not a shred of dignified truth to anything you're saying and it really makes you all look like fucking retards playing it up." What a buzz kill….She was also the one that burst our bubble by letting on that giving a girl an hour long orgasm was like urban myth. It was like a 5 year old watching the head come off of an amusement park character and seeing him light up a fat joint. Whereas Collin always ruined our fun by being a cunt, she always did it by just being lame. Paul might have been scared shitless alone, but he felt safety in numbers.
"No one asked your opinion Le-ah. Don't be such a prudey little…" But Sam cut that bitch short. How unfair it was that she had Daddy dearest always on her side lately. I guess maybe if I'd sucked his cock once upon a time than I would get to.."
"JARED!"
"Shutting…"
We went back to silently waiting until an early 90's mustang filled with teenagers whizzed by, and made the turn up their driveway. We were all watching them with a strange inquisitiveness and horror. We just couldn't understand how these people felt comfortable around these Corpsecocks, let alone purposely drive into their lair. They had to at least get the skivvies or something. Dumb motherfuckers. Another few cars passed. The music and ambient noise from the house was getting louder in the distance.
"What in the hell is taking so long? If I were in there, it would be a quick in and out, like a blow job at a movie theatre. They've been in there for half a fucking hour." Sam wasn't so anxious.
"Remember sweetie pie, the point was NOT to start shit."
"Semantics dude. You know as well as I do 5 minutes together is enough to get Jake and that blood bag at each other's throats. Don't play like you didn't know he went in there to rescue the weak ass princess and sleigh the God damn dragon." Sam thought through his answer tediously. Not that he disagreed in any way, but he was still trying to play peacemaker. Like somebody who never talks behind people's back's. It was like Jake was here and he was trying to beat around the bush for him.
"I know Jacob doesn't always think things through before he does them. But he's our brother. He just needs to figure this shit out…." That was quite enough with think of me as your friend talk for him. "And if you pussies don't stop dicking around and get back in formation, I'm gunna plow each of you to the ground and throw your balls over a telephone wire like a pair of sneakers." Fuuuck yea. Daddy was so badass sometimes. Because we knew he could actually do it if he wanted to. After a few minutes though, the lack of happening was putting all of us on edge again. Even Seth, who normally stays neutrally quiet, was concerned.
"It really has been a long time you guys, ….do you think maybe…something happened to them?" Paul wasn't concerned.
"Nah. Knowing them, there probably just circle jerking each other."
"Ha! That would require Embry to have his penis erect within 100 meters of an actual female."
"Ha ha. Maybe he's just trying to get some tail from a freshman."
"Oh yea! I can see it now. 'Listen little girl. I don't want to die a virgin, and I'm sure you don't want to have to tell your friends that you missed out on seeing the smallest dick in the western hemisphere. So let's blow this joint and experience the best 30 seconds of your life.'"
"Or you know what, maybe he's actually admitted to himself the giant boner he gets for those vampussies."
"You know bro, I can totally see it. Embry's probably fucking the blonde one as we speak. Which would leave Quil taking it up the ass by her thick boyfriend." Sam chuckled for only a moment before mentally clearing his throat for us to cut the crap. The giggles died out and we were back to silent concentration. That is until Brady, almost bashfully, came forward, a little confounded.
"Hey um, Jared. Can I ugh, ask you a question"
"Shoot kido"
"…Are there such things as gay vampires?" Straight from the mouths of babes. Automatically, like the nurturing mother, leaning over to the dad, as if to say that this conversation might take or more delicate touch, I took the queue before Sam could intervene. "Don't worry Sam, I've got this." Everyone else was still stupefied that he would think of such a left field question. Like when children ask why the sky is blue. Something you've never taken the time to care, let alone think about. Sam didn't have time to close his jaw to say anything before I did. I mentally took Brady aside.
"You see darling, sometimes a man's parts just don't work the same way yours do. Sometimes, they like a big, cold cucumber instead of a warm, delicious taco." Brady was listening attentively but skeptical. He still thought everything we said was true, but was at least aware that our goal was to fuck with him. Everyone else listening was still blindsideidly shocked, or now, like Paul, giggling At Brady's attention to my headings. "When I say these things to you, they don't…awaken things inside you do they? You're not…..not thinking about the vampire cucumber now are you?" I was clearly fucking with him. Planting a seed of false doubt among all the curiosity I could see bouncing around in his mind. His eyes got huge and he fervently shook his head back and forth, terrified and denying any such accusation. Even Seth was chuckling now. But all good fun comes to an end when super cunt Collin makes an appearance.
"Ha ha. I knew it. Dude's totally got a woody for leach meat." I rolled my eyes, annoyed.
"Oh, shove it Collin. You're only saying something to distract everyone from your own homo-vamp-erotic wet dreams." He stopped laughing immediately. Every group has one little bit ignorant, overly macho guy that won't even joke about homosexuality.
"Shut the fuck up. I aint no ass fucking vamp-lover. You motherfucker!" I tsk tsk'd and looked back at Brady with my motherly tone.
"Oh Brady, this is lesson number two. You see how Collin uses an umbrella of profanities to cover his own shame? Only someone who actually knows what it feels like to have a cucumber inside them would be so quick to rebut." Then Sam, trying to hide his own little smile, like a teacher caught laughing at a student's dirty joke, composed himself and tried acting like the unbiased adult again.
"Play nice Jared."
Collin was gearing up to backlash me with his own colorful gay accusations. But before he could put them into words, Sam was reiterating. "I said PLAY NICE!"
Collin grumbled and scowled in my direction, plotting how he would get me back later. Pffff, right. I smugly reverted my attention back to the line; victory. It was a few minutes before any of us spoke again. Sam was back on track so we all fell into line, suddenly reminded why we were here and that we shouldn't be side tracked making jokes at the expense of Brady's inexperience.
I did realize though after a little a while that I hadn't actually answered his question. He himself had moved through about 20 other subjects since, but I could still feel that little slice of wonder in the back of his mind. It wasn't an important enough question to really think through, but I didn't want him taking risks in the name of curiosity. So I just slipped him an afterthought.
"I don't really know man. But hopefully you'll have already killed them by the time they try to pin you backwards and give you a poke. In fact, it's best if you just assume they all are. It might give you a little extra motivation to kill them that much faster."
The only comment that could be made was a mental "tru dat" from Paul before our hive mind was bombarded. The three new minds had phased in and we were being flooded with memories and information. All three were almost screaming at us. Plunging everything into us like a pulp fiction needle directly to the brain. Highschoolers. Vampires. Bella. Army of vampires. Seattle. Bad music. Five days. Arrangement with the Cullens. A chocolate fountain (fucking Embry…) Vampires stronger than the Cullens. Meeting with the Cullens later. And Jake's last subconscious contribution: a tinge of jealousy as he watched Bella bury her head into Creep-O's chest.
There wasn't even time to bust his balls about it. This shit is on!
We were all now racing at top speeds back to the Res, discussing strategies and plans of action. With the announcement of this new super-threat, we all subconsciously wanted to get back to our families. But there was no denying the excitement in the air. A fucking full on war. A Battle Royale of bloodbags. It was like Doomsday and Christmas all rolled into one.
It was decided on the way back that when we got to La Push, that half of us would run perimeters, and the other half would be stationed, guarding the families. The Cullen's said they wouldn't be here for a few days but we weren't taking any chances. When everything was finally planned out, the last few minutes till home was nothing but running in our own excited thoughts. Everyone, for the first time, kind of took a minute for themselves and all this new shit. Paul was rocking almost a full-fledged hard on at the idea of ripping apart so many vamps. Seth and Quil were just a little bit scared even if they wouldn't admit it outright. Jake felt justified for some reason or another. Secretly, probably because he felt his deadline had been extended. And Brady felt shame and a little guilty so…wait, guilty? The moment I took public notice of his mental toeing in the dirt, the tiny vision he was chewing over exploded to the front and center for all to see.
There in this hazy imaginative scene, were 20 or so naked vampires, running through the trees, with giant erect cucumbers where their dicks should be, chasing a terrified Brady through the forest as fast as his little puppy paws would take him.
For the first time…ever….every single one of us roared in a thunderous laughter. After a moment of almost painful snickering, Jake, be it a little confused, was the first one to speak.
"Well, you know….I guess things can be hard on all of us."
"…..And that's what she said."
***Alright children, settle down, settle down. You know the drill. If you want more Jar-bear, leave me some love. Bonus: The next chapter MIGHT just have some vampires.***