Chapter 4

Open my eyes wide to see a moment of clarity
confusion gone, it's in your hands
your turn to ask why.

Paul glanced up at the clock as his hand pushed away his empty coffee mug. It was a little after ten thirty and Stephanie still hadn't returned to the house making him wonder where exactly she had gotten to. The pharmacy was only a couple of miles away in the centre of the town and she had driven off over an hour ago in some silver Convertible that was no doubt a gift from his father. He had to give the old man credit. He always was extremely generous when it came to his women. It was just a pity he never extended that same generosity towards his own son.

Raking his fingers through his blonde hair, Paul sighed softly and rolled his lips together thoughtfully. His fingers absently toyed with gold bracelet on his watch as he pondered over whether Stephanie wasn't back because she had other errands to run. After all, it's not like he was privy to her morning routine. He didn't have a clue what she did with her time. He didn't even know if she had a job although the chances of that were few and far between. Stephanie had no need to work. His father was filthy rich and not only that he still lived in the dark ages. He would never entertain the idea of any wife of his having a career, not while he could provide for them and that probably suited his little bride down to the ground. After all, it was his father's wealth that brought her here in the first place. It sure as hell wasn't anything else, at least not that he could make out and somehow that disappointed him. He just couldn't believe that someone like Stephanie who seemed so feisty and passionate could marry for reasons other than love but then again, he always had been a sucker for romance. He was like his mother and obviously didn't live in the cold, harsh reality of the real world. That was probably why he had crashed and burned in relationships more times than he cared to remember.

Pushing back the tall stool, Paul stood up from the small island tugging on the bottom hem of his white t-shirt. He slowly wandered over to the open window and felt the warmth of the sun on his face. It was bright outside and the sky was a pretty crystal clear blue. He immediately thought of Stephanie's eyes and then mentally scolded himself for being so pathetic. But for some crazy reason, everything came back to her especially this morning. She was all he could think about and he couldn't shake the feeling that he had upset her somehow. And while he had been in the habit of doing that since he had arrived, this was a different kind of upset. It hadn't been caused by his usual barbed comments, the ones he made with the whole intention of provoking her. Something he had said unintentionally had gotten to her to the point where he had seen the flicker of pain in her angry expression before she had stormed off. His words had triggered something in her but he didn't have a clue what. Then again, he didn't have a clue period when it came to women.

Snorting lightly, Paul stepped back from the window and he was about to head out to the garden when he heard the loud thump on the floor above him. He jumped slightly startled and his brow crinkled in curiosity as he glanced towards the staircase. He hadn't realised he wasn't alone in the house. Someone else was here but who was it? Unless of course it wasn't a person and something had just fallen in the bedroom; maybe it had blown over in the wind.

Walking to the stairs, Paul decided to find out. After all that had been a quite a bang and it was obviously something heavy that had fallen. The least he could do was make himself useful and put it back in place. God knows he had nothing else to do with his time. That was why he had spent the last hour fretting over Stephanie. He was clearly bored and restless and it wasn't good for his sanity especially when he was starting to imagine things like the ridiculous notion that he wanted her. Of course that thought was just completely crazy. She was his father's wife and a cold hearted bitch. She was only out for what she could get and it wouldn't be a night in the sack with him even if she did have a great rack.

Quickly pushing the image of Stephanie's damp coffee stained t-shirt from his mind, Paul ascended the staircase and reaching the landing, he turned left towards the room the noise had come from. It was an abandoned bedroom once used as his mother's studio. His mother had loved to paint and many an afternoon he would find her there sitting by the open balcony doors working on her canvas as she breathed in the summer air. She used to tell him it cleared her mind and made her feel alive yet at the end, it only reminded her of what she was missing and what she would ultimately leave behind in her death.

As his face flickered with his sadness, Paul slowly approached the heavy wooden door reluctant to enter the room filled with memories of his mother. They still carried a wistful pain despite the years that had passed yet at the same time, they were still an immense comfort to him. His memories were all he had left; that and the love he carried for his mother in his heart.

As an image of her face flashed through his mind, Paul briefly closed his eyes but they quickly sprung open again when he heard the faint moan from behind the door. As he wondered who the hell it was, his knuckles lifted to lightly rap against the wood.

"Excuse me. Are you okay in there?"

But he didn't wait for a reply. Instead he opened the door and was instantly taken aback when he saw the unfamiliar wallpaper and furniture. As his brown eyes took in his surroundings, they fell on the large king size bed and he was surprised all over again when he saw the woman sitting on the edge of the mattress. Her tired, kind face stared back at him and her lips curved into a gentle smile.

Paul shifted his feet underneath him as he nervously cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I heard the noise and just wanted to check everything was alright." he explained.

He took a few hesitant steps closer to the bed and smiled softly.

"Are you okay?"

The lady nodded reassuringly. "I'm fine. I just got my foot caught on the rug trying to open the balcony doors. It's a little warm in here today."

"Want me to open them for you?"

"Would you? I'd be so grateful."

Paul nodded and crossing the room, he turned the brass handle and pulled open the glass doors. He was instantly hit with the fresh salty air and the warm rays of the sun. He slowly breathed them in and then turned back towards the bed. He watched the woman shift uncomfortably on the crumpled covers. He could tell from her tense expression that she was in pain but he wasn't dumb to think it was due to her little stumble. Her frail, pale face told him all he needed to know. That and her thinning blonde hair. This lady was sick and he swallowed hard as he was once more reminded of his mother.

"Thank you."

Her soft voice brought him out of his haze and Paul smiled back as he tucked his blonde hair behind his left ear. "You're welcome."

"I must say how nice it is to see a fresh face around here. I mean I love my daughter but she's the only person I ever see from one day to the next."

As her blue eyes looked up at him, he already had the answer to the question on the tip of his tongue but he asked it anyway. "So your daughter must be Stephanie?"

"Yes. Do you know one another?"

Paul lifted his shoulder in a shrug. "Not really. We only met yesterday."

"So you're a relative of John's then?"

"Actually I'm his son." he said, letting out an awkward chuckle as he saw Stephanie's mother's face flicker with her obvious surprise.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I wasn't aware John had a son."

"Yeah well we don't really keep in touch so it would be an easy assumption to make."

"Well regardless, it's nice to finally meet you……"

Her voice trailed off and his brown eyes twinkled back at her.

"It's Paul." he told her.

She smiled back momentarily disguising her gaunt features with her distinguished beauty. "Well Paul, I'm Linda."

Just then she lifted her slender hand trying to stifle her yawn. Paul immediately felt bad having kept her in conversation. Lord knows it looked like the poor woman should be resting. Her eyes were so heavy and dark circles encompassed them. He wondered just how bad it was and his expression softened with his sympathy for her.

"So Linda, is there anything else I can do for you before I go?"

"Actually, yes." she told him as her hand reached for the walking frame that sat next to her at the side of the bed. "Would you help this old lady to the window? It's a beautiful day out and I wouldn't mind feeling the sun on my face."

Her words momentarily stunned him and the sadness crept into his eyes as he was brought back to another place and another time. "My mom loved the sun too." he remembered softly.

As he saw Linda smile and try to get to her feet, he immediately stopped her by standing on front of the bed and crouching down in front of her.

"Here, wrap your arms around my neck."

"Thank you." she sighed as her tiny body shifted towards him.

As Paul scooped her up, she felt as light as a child and he could feel her bones as they stuck out through the thin cotton material of her night dress. His lips down turned slightly as he carried her to the blue wingback chair and placed her down gently.

"So are you home for long?" Linda asked him as her tired body sunk into the soft padded cushions.

Paul shook his head. "Just a couple of days."

"Well maybe you'll visit me and say hello again before you go?"

His expression was soft as his fingers reached for her hand, touching it gently.

"You can count on it."

As she nodded and turned her head to the window, Paul saw her eyes immediately close over. He carefully got to his feet and his footsteps were light as he crossed the room. He was on his way out of the door when the small bottles caught his eye. At a quick glance he was able to identify the medication. Demerol and Valium.

Suddenly his stomach dropped and he felt it twist with guilt as he closed the door over, immediately regretting the comment about Stephanie's trip to the pharmacy. That was when he saw her just a few feet away. Her footsteps slowed as she approached him and he swallowed thickly, his mouth suddenly feeling terribly dry as her blue eyes cautiously looked at him.

"Hey." she said.

"Hey." he replied, stuffing his hands awkwardly in his pockets as he nodded in the direction of the door. "So I met your Mom."

Stephanie nodded slowly.

"She had a little trouble opening the window so I helped her out."

Her lips pressed together in a tight smile. "Thanks."

"No problem. She's a nice lady." he said affectionately as he shifted his feet, his brown eyes seeking out hers. "So how bad is it?" he asked.

"How bad is what?"

"The cancer."

Stephanie's shoulders seemed to slump as her wide blue eyes stared back at him, stunned and surprised. "So she told you, huh?"

Paul's expression was sombre as he shook his head. "She didn't have to."

He saw the confusion in her blue orbs and began to explain.

"My Mom had cancer. I sort of recognised the signs."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Yeah." He briefly glanced back at the door, licking his lips as he continued. "She had acute myeloid leukaemia. Not that they knew that's what it was at first. Their initial diagnosis was anaemia. By the time they discovered it was much more serious, the cancer was pretty advanced and any treatment she had was only to prolong the time she had left."

Stephanie stared back at him stunned as she absorbed what he had told her. John hadn't mentioned his first wife had cancer. Then again, John had never mentioned his wife at all only informing her she had passed on. She could still remember his words now. They had seemed cold and indifferent unlike Paul whose deep tone was laced with his emotion as he spoke about the disease that had taken his mother. Suddenly their worlds didn't seem so far apart after all.

"I can still remember her face when she sat me down and told me she was stopping the chemotherapy." Paul continued. "She looked so frightened and it killed me inside to see her that way. My mom was always this strong person, you know. She was larger than life."

His voice trailed away as he briefly glanced down at the carpet. Stephanie shifted her feet underneath her as her head reached for him but it stopped in mid-air and fell to her side like she was almost too scared to touch him. It was like touching him would break down the unspoken barrier that existed between them. A barrier that was necessary if only for the sake of her own sanity. Still, that didn't stop her heart from reaching out to him. He'd watched his mother suffer and that pain connected them regardless.

"I'm sorry, Paul." she hushed.

"Hey it was a long time ago, right?" he replied, forcing a smile on his face and lifting his shoulder in a shrug as he tried his best to maintain his composure. It had been a long time since he'd let himself remember but somehow seeing Linda had caused it all to come rushing back. As his mind turned to the woman he had just met, his face softened fondly. "So, how is your Mom?" he asked her.

Stephanie's blue eyes mirrored her sadness as she let out a slow, shaky breath. "It's not good but they've started her on a new treatment. It's an experimental drug and they seem pretty hopeful it will stop the cancer from spreading any further."

Paul's nose instantly wrinkled in confusion. "Experimental, huh? I didn't know health insurance covered experimental drugs."

He saw her face shift with an unfathomable expression as she pushed her hair behind her ear and gestured to the bag in her hand.

"I'd better get in there. Mom needs her medication."

Stephanie's blue eyes avoided him as he stepped aside to let her pass.

As he listened to the door click shut behind her, Paul's brow furrowed deeply in thought. Slowly little pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place for him and he realised that maybe, just maybe he had pegged Stephanie all wrong.

While he was in no doubt she had married his father for financial reasons, suddenly those reasons weren't as materialistic or selfish as he wanted to believe. In fact, her possible reasons were the complete opposite of selfish and had been driven by her love for her mother and her fear of watching her die right in front of her. And he knew what that fear felt like. He'd experienced it himself nine years ago and knowing the devastation he had felt when his mother had passed on, he knew he would have done anything if it meant he could keep her for one more day. God knows he wished time and time again that he had just one more chance to tell her he was sorry and that he loved her.

Pushing back the hot lump in his throat, Paul took his hands out of his pockets and let out a shaky breath. His movements were slow as he began to walk down the hallway but he stopped glancing back in the direction of the door feeling something shift in his chest as he thought of the woman behind it. It was something he had never experienced before. Something that frightened and overwhelmed him and something that he had to ignore for his sake and for hers; that's if he even could.