Chapter 9

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

He saw her the second he stepped out into the hallway and just like that, he felt his slow dissolve. All his earlier promises, the silent resolutions he'd made to himself while lying awake in the darkness were starting to crumble away as he took in the beauty standing a few feet from him.

Stephanie hadn't noticed him yet as she fussed with the small bottle in the palm of her hand. Her chestnuts strands were piled into a messy ponytail on the top of her head revealing her slender neck to him and it was a neck he'd sought out hungrily in the moonlight, his mouth nipping and sucking at her tender skin. God, he could still taste her now. She had been so sweet like the ripest of peaches mixed in with the faint lingering trace of her vanilla perfume. She had been completely intoxicating to him and so much so he had been ready to give in to the temptation he'd been trying to fight since the moment he saw her. The words had been on the tip of his tongue to invite Stephanie to his room when he'd heard her mother calling out to her.

And while he had been disappointed not to mention more than frustrated, he had also felt relieved. Relieved that he hadn't made the biggest mistake of his life and there was no doubt in his mind that sleeping with Stephanie would be a huge mistake. God knows there was very little chance he was going to walk away from her unscathed as it was and he just couldn't afford to get too close. He couldn't afford to let himself get lost in her; lost so completely he wasn't sure he could ever pull himself back. He was already teetering on the brink and he was balancing dangerously between his sanity and his feelings for this woman; the woman that had opened his heart and the woman he had quickly become addicted to.

Sighing softly, Paul allowed his brown eyes to linger on her for a second longer before he turned away. He had only taken a couple of steps when Stephanie's soft voice stopped him in her tracks and his heart skipped a beat, betraying him.

"Hey you."

Licking his lips, Paul paused for a second taking the time to control his composure and trying to find the resolve he needed to get through this. He had no choice. He had to distance himself from Stephanie. It was the only way he could protect himself and it was the only chance he had of leaving this place without her and keeping his heart still intact.

Shifting around to eventually face her, Paul offered her a tight smile and stuffing his hands in his jean pockets, he deliberately avoided the unbelievable blue eyes that sparkled back at him.

"Hey."

A silence fell between them and he glanced briefly at the polished floor, his blonde strands gently falling over his face as he felt Stephanie move in front of him.

"So, I was just checking in on Mom." Stephanie explained watching Paul as her stomach twisted in tiny anxious knots. All morning she'd dreaded this conversation, the horrible tense awkwardness she knew there would be between them, the awkwardness she could feel between them now. She just couldn't believe she'd let him kiss her again. But God, she'd wanted it last night. She'd wanted him. She'd wanted Paul with everything inside her and even standing here, she felt that familiar longing burning in her gut, the longing that reminded her how desperate she was to touch him and taste him one more time. Paul was just so beautiful and he had felt incredible last night; so incredible that her body was still aching for him. It had been so long since anyone had touched her so intimately. She'd felt wanted and desired and so wonderfully alive for the first time in her life.

"How's she doing?"

Paul's deep tone lifted Stephanie from her haze and her cheeks lightly flushing with heat, she quickly smiled trying her best to disguise how badly he affected her.

"She's much better, thanks. She's sleeping now."

As he nodded, she was suddenly overcome with the urgent need to explain herself. She didn't know why. Maybe she just didn't want Paul thinking she had used her Mom as an excuse. For some reason it was important to her that he knew she had wanted the kiss and that he knew she had wanted him despite all the risks involved in being with him. And honestly, she definitely didn't regret what had happened between them. After all, how could she regret something that had been in the back of mind and something she had probably wanted since the moment Paul had walked into her life.

Still, that didn't mean she wasn't feeling incredibly guilty or selfish. Every time she thought of her mother it burned a hole in her stomach. Risking her agreement with John was stupid and dangerous but she just couldn't switch these feelings off. She couldn't stop this gravitational pull towards Paul no matter how hard she tried. It was becoming increasingly tempting just to give into this internal battle inside her especially knowing he would be leaving her soon. God, she felt sick even thinking about it, imagining this place without him. Paul had brought a brief respite to her extremely lonely existence and her life would seem cold and empty with him gone and without question, she knew the same would be true of her heart.

Shifting her feet underneath her, Stephanie bit down on her lip, the left corner of her mouth lifting shyly as she tucked a wayward strand behind her ear.

"I guess I owe you an apology."

Paul's brow crinkled with his confusion. "You do?" he asked.

She nodded as she hooked her fingers in the cuff of her sweater. "You know, last night with my Mom. It's just when I heard her calling me, well I had to go to her and…..."

Paul quickly interrupted her, curtly nodding his head. "Of course. It's okay. I understand. And hey, it was probably for the best, right? I mean you are the old man's wife. Well, on paper anyway."

He slowly allowed his brown eyes to seek out hers and he instantly regretted it the second he saw the flicker in Stephanie's expression. She seemed almost taken aback by his words, hurt even and he looked away once more, feeling the knot of guilt in his chest. It was killing him knowing he had upset her but what could he do? This was the way it had to be for his sake and hers. He knew the score with her mother. He understood the sacrifice she had made. Nothing could happen here and surely Stephanie knew that. Surely she could see this was a hopeless situation and a situation where they were only headed for disaster.

"Paul."

His body tensed at the sound of his father's voice behind him. Turning his head, he saw him descend the grand staircase, his thin hand adjusting his tie behind the lapels of his pin striped waistcoat. He couldn't believe the tie was red. Fucking red on today of all days! The man really was an insensitive bastard.

His top lip curling in an angry snarl, Paul shifted his feet and watched his father slowly approach them. He nodded his acknowledgment to Stephanie before he turned to his son.

"Will you be joining us for breakfast?"

Paul's jaw was rigid as he slowly shook his head, his blonde strands shifting across the shoulders of his black dress shirt.

"I'm going to the cemetery to see Mom."

His father's face was expressionless as he briefly nodded. "I see."

"It's her anniversary today."

John's grey eyes were stern as they stared back at him. "I'm well aware what day it is today."

Paul's face wore an unfathomable expression as he stared back at the man who had raised him.

Stephanie's blue eyes were concerned as she stood there, just watching him. She also couldn't help but feel a little guilty about their earlier conversation. She hadn't even remembered about his Mom and she knew today had to be difficult for him. She had sensed his pain the couple of times he'd briefly mentioned her and it was a pain she knew all too well. While she hadn't lost her Mom, she'd watched her suffer and that suffering was completely devastating for her. It would have been devastating for Paul too and she wanted to show him she understood and offer her support.

But after his words this morning, she wasn't so sure he wanted it. Paul's glib comment obviously meant he regretted what had happened between them and he had been completely stand-offish. He had hardly been able to even look her in the eye.

But if she couldn't be there for him, someone else could be. Someone that had suffered the same loss and someone that could maybe offer his son some comfort.

Turning to her husband, Stephanie licked her lips and forced a smile.

"So John, are you going to the cemetery too because I have to go into town later and I could have picked up some flowers."

Her blue eyes widened in surprise when he shook his head.

"That won't be necessary." He paused for a second and his grey eyes seemed almost hateful as they stared back at Paul. "I don't have to visit a graveside to remember my late wife."

"I remember Mom."

"I'm sure you do. I'm also sure you remember the reason she was buried in the first place." said John.

Stephanie could only watched in stunned confusion as Paul's handsome face crumpled and she saw the sad devastation in his deep brown pools.

"You're out of line." he replied. "Mom had cancer. She was dying."

"Maybe but she died a hell of a sooner than she was meant to, all thanks to you."

As John's accusation hung between them, Stephanie's heart broke as she looked to Paul who stood there completely motionless and his face utterly distraught.

"I knew it." he said softly. "I knew after all this time you still blamed me."

"Of course I blame you." John spat back venomously. "If it wasn't for you, she might have had a few weeks longer, months even."

"That's not true." cried Paul, shaking his head.

"Isn't it? The doctor had given her at least another month."

"She was in pain, Dad. She couldn't breathe." he pleaded.

"And yet, you still moved her. You still put her in that car."

Paul's thick voice wavered as he clenched his fingers together. "I was trying to save her!"

"Save her? You fucking damn well killed her!"

John's words seemed to echo in the ornate hallway and Stephanie swore she saw Paul's bottom lip tremble before his jaw clenched and he took a step back.

"I don't have to listen to this."

John's thin frame was menacing as he closed the short distance between them, his steely eyes narrowed in his direction. "Of course you don't because then you'd have to take some actual responsibility for what happened that night. You'd actually have to admit that it was because of you that your mother was killed."

"John, stop it!" screamed Stephanie, unable to take any more.

Her blue eyes glared hatefully at her husband before they turned to look for Paul but the hall was empty. He was gone and a few seconds later the banging door echoed in the silence. Slowly shaking her head, Stephanie felt her anger rush to the surface as she glared at the man who truly was a stranger to her.

"I can't believe you said those things to him."

John's finger waved in her direction. "Stay out of it, Stephanie. It's none of your concern."

Her heart was pounding as he lifted his suit jacket from the knob of the banister and throwing it over the crook of his arm, she watched him pick up the leather briefcase from the bottom of the steps.

"I'll be late home tonight. Don't wait up."

As his slender frame disappeared into the kitchen, her stomach churned anxiously as her mind turned to Paul. Her only thought was to somehow find him and talk to him. God only knows what he was going through right now and while she didn't understand quite what had happened, she knew she couldn't leave him to deal with this alone. She didn't want him being alone. Not today.

Briefing glancing towards the stairs, she knew her mother was in safe hands. The care nurse was with her. She would be okay.

Stephanie grabbed the car keys from the side of the vase and waiting a few seconds longer until she heard her husband leave, she quickly raced through the hall and towards the door to look for Paul.