Chapter 10

Who do you need?

Who do you love?

When you come undone…..

Paul carefully began to ascend the staircase, his slow and cautious feet seeking out the steps in the darkness. It was late and although he wasn't sure just how late it was exactly, he knew the last thing he wanted to do was wake up the entire household, in particular that asshole he liked to call his father.

Man, this felt just like all those times he used to sneak home during his senior year in high school knowing full well he was way past his curfew. He would tiptoe along the hall, the blood beating in his ears just waiting for his parents to bust him. But it was very rarely they did being their room was at the opposite end of the hallway. Still, he was always careful not to disturb them and it was only once he was safely inside the four walls of his bedroom that he would let his composure drop and stumble drunkenly into bed. After all, good old John Levesque, upstanding citizen of the town, could never live down raising a drunk and disorderly son. God knows, he had his reputation to protect; a reputation that was far more important than the reasons why his son got good and loaded every night. Not that he would actually care why his son was drunk anyway because that would require his father actually giving a crap.

Sighing softly, Paul made his way along the hall, his heavy eyes blinking in the white moonlight thinking that while those memories were a long time ago, tonight he felt like that teenage boy all over again. Here he was still sneaking home and still completely drunk off his ass. Not that he had meant to get drunk but after the first few beers he felt that numbness start to creep in; the numbness he more than welcomed especially today. It was painful enough to think of his Mom never mind remembering how she died and he just couldn't handle that guilt. He couldn't handle the fact that what the old bastard said to him today was right. Although if he was honest, it was nothing he hadn't told himself during the last nine years. It just hurt to hear those words out loud and listen to the accusation that he was to blame for putting his mother in that car that night; that he was to blame for cutting her life even shorter than it should have been.

God, he should have never moved her that night and driven her to the hospital. But when he had heard her struggling for breath, he knew he hadn't been ready to say goodbye. But it was a goodbye that he had been denied anyway; a goodbye had been cruelly snatched away the second that drunk driver had swerved over the corner and hit them head on. His mother had been killed and since that moment, he had never been able to forgive himself.

His father had never forgiven him either yet every year he had fooled himself into coming here thinking that maybe, just maybe, he would. God knows he needed him to because if there was even the remotest chance he could offer forgiveness, maybe then he could start to try and forgive himself. He was so sick and tired of living with this awful guilt that constantly ate away inside him. Unfortunately though, he knew that it was no more than he deserved.

His heart heavy, Paul's hand curled around the brass handle. The bedroom door lightly creaked as he walked into the room and he could feel the cool night air blowing through the open window making his head slightly spin.

"Hey."

He jumped, startled by the sound of her voice and he turned to see Stephanie emerge from the shadows. His lips parted in surprise and he briefly closed his eyes wondering if he was just imagining her there. Maybe his overwhelming need for this woman was causing his mind to play tricks on him. Why else would she be here if only to torture him and haunt his dreams.

But when his eyelids eventually fluttered open, Stephanie was still there and he swallowed thickly, hungrily drinking her in. She looked so beautiful in the soft light of the moon. Her chestnut hair fell softly around her bare shoulders and she wore a black silk nightdress that barely skimmed her thighs. He swallowed thickly and swore she was trying to kill him especially with those big blue eyes staring back at him; big blue eyes that constantly pulled him in rendering him weak and completely helpless.

"I've been waiting for you." she explained softly taking a step closer. "I was worried when you didn't come home."

"Home!" snorted Paul. "That's a joke."

As his big hand lifted to rake through his hair, Stephanie knew by his exaggerated movement that he had been drinking. She could also smell the alcohol that lingered around him and it was little wonder she hadn't been able to find him. Paul had obviously been holed up in some bar all day trying to drink away his sorrows. But it appeared he hadn't succeeded. His brown eyes still wore that haunted expression and his whole demeanour seemed so sad despite his angry retort. It made her arms physically ache to hold him and comfort him but she couldn't. Not now. Not when she couldn't trust herself not to take advantage and use her attempt at comfort as a way of getting close to him.

"Anyway, I'm back. You can leave now."

She felt confused as Paul looked at her almost indifferently before crossing the space to the bed and sitting down. The light creak of the mattress echoed in the silence and Stephanie shook her head, feeling her anger at him bubble to the surface. God knows he constantly sent her in a spin never knowing where she ever was with him.

"Why are you being like this?" she demanded.

"Being like what?" he asked as he kicked his shoes from his feet and they gave a light thud as they hit the thick carpet.

"This! I only wanted to talk to you, check you were alright."

Paul licked his lips and exhaled slowly. "Well I'm fine." he told her, tilting his head in her direction but he soon regretted those actions when he found himself looking into her concerned blue eyes and feeling that familiar tug at his heart. It was a heart that was quickly surrendering to her although really, who was he kidding? It was a heart that had belonged to her the second her lips had touched his, maybe even before that.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes really." he sighed hoping she couldn't see right through him. That Stephanie couldn't see his words were nothing but a front. He wasn't fine; he was anything but fine but he couldn't let Stephanie see that. He couldn't show her any weakness. If he did, he knew he was screwed and any chance of walking away from this would be zero because God knows all he wanted was her. She was like this addiction that he constantly craved; a magic that held him under her spell. He just couldn't risk letting her get close.

"Look Paul, I know what John said upset you earlier but……"

Paul quickly held his hand up silencing her and rose to his feet. "He didn't upset me." he lied.

"No? Then why have you been drinking?"

He stared at Stephanie for a second hearing the concern in her voice but hating it. He didn't want her concern. He didn't want her sympathy. He didn't need it and he sure as hell didn't deserve it either.

"That's none of your goddamn business." he growled lowly.

"Look, I know how hard today must have been for you….."

Paul quickly shook his head. "You don't know. You know nothing."

Stephanie sighed in frustration. "Yes actually I think I do."

Her hand was lightly trembling as it reached out towards him, her fingers touching his large bicep feeling the heat of his skin through the cotton material. "I know you still miss her, Paul. I know it still hurts when you think about her."

She tried not to feel disappointed as he shrugged her away and watched him slowly pace the room in front of her. She had already guessed how difficult it was for Paul to discuss his mother. He was still in such pain over her death and a pain that could have only been cut deeper after his father's hurtful accusations this morning. Accusations that she still didn't understand but she knew enough to know they were completely out of line. Whatever had happened, Paul hadn't killed his mother. John had been horrible and malicious to even suggest that. Paul had to know she knew that and was on his side and more than that, she was here for him.

Tucking her brown strands behind her ear, she took a step forward.

"Paul, what John said to you this morning……"

She swore she felt him tense as he stopped in front of her, his back turned to her. "I don't want to talk about it."

"But he was wrong when he….."

He whipped his head in her direction and the words caught in her throat when she saw his cold, angry stare. "I said I don't want to talk about it."

She shook her head in disbelief suddenly feeling angry at his complete stubbornness and his determination to clam up on her.

"You can't keep bottling this up, you know." she told him placing her hands on her hips.

Paul scowled as she glared at him defiantly wondering where the hell she got off telling him what to do. "And what do you care?" he asked her as he crossed the short distance between them looking down at her.

"Of course I care."

"Why?" he demanded, his brown eyes piercing through her. He swallowed thickly as he saw her face visibly soften in the moonlight and her expression flickered with something he only dared to imagine.

"I think you know why." she hushed.

Her hand slowly lifted to touch his face and he felt his resolve begin to slip away as her fingertips lightly traced his cheek making him tremble inside. God, he was utterly hopeless when it came to this woman and she moved him in ways he just couldn't explain. One simple touch and she completely wrecked him. But this was wrong and dangerous. Stephanie didn't realise she was playing with fire right now. He could easily take what he wanted from her if he didn't think it would kill him in the process. This beautiful angel had turned his whole world on its head and the depths of his feelings for her scared him to death.

Letting out a shaky breath, Paul struggled to keep his composure as he gently covered her hand with his and reluctantly drew it from his face. "I can't keep doing this with you, Steph." he whispered.

Her sad blue eyes batted back at him as his fingertips brushed over hers lingering there for a second before they fell away. He had just pulled his hand back when he felt her lightly grip his fingers and just like that, she was reeling him back in.

"But I don't think I can let you go."

Paul's heart began to melt at her softly spoken admission and he felt his breath catch in his throat as if in slow motion, her pretty face moved towards him.

"I need you, Paul."

Stephanie's desperate words made him crumble inside and as he looked into those incredible blue eyes of hers, he felt himself fall. Any resistance now was completely futile and he could no longer deny what he felt for her in his heart.

"Not as much as I need you." he eventually whispered as his mouth lowered towards hers, his lips pressing down gently as his eyes fluttered shut and he breathed her in. The familiar vanilla scent of her perfume made his knees weak and as he kissed her, his mind slowly began to forget everything as he felt himself get lost. Lost in Stephanie; lost in the way she made him feel.

Suddenly, for now, nothing else mattered. Not his guilt over his mom; not his pain, not her marriage to his father. All that mattered was Stephanie and being with her.

God, he needed her so much. He wanted her so badly. Far too many nights, he'd been alone and he was sick and tired of feeling lonely. For once, he wanted someone at the end of his reach. He wanted to find the comfort he could only find in the refuge of someone's arms and tonight those arms would be Stephanie's. This was exactly where he wanted to be. For some reason, Stephanie just made perfect sense.

Sighing contentedly into her, Paul's hand lifted to thread through her soft strands, his other arm sliding around her waist as his tongue flicked over her bottom lip, seeking entry. A second later, he felt her mouth part slightly and that was all the encouragement he needed to slide his tongue over hers, feeling the heat of Stephanie's body as it pressed firmly against him. She felt amazing as she moved against him tempting him as she grinded her hips slowly into him. It was taking every ounce of self restraint not to lose control.

A low growl emanated from his hot throat and Paul began to back her slowly towards the bed. Her soft whimper drove him wild as his mouth hungrily sought out the column of her throat. Stephanie was tugging at his shirt, her fingers fumbling with his buttons and he felt the cool night air prickle his skin as she pushed the garment from his shoulders, pulling it over his arms.

"Paul."

He briefly lifted his head as his name fell softly from her lips and saw Stephanie throw her head back, arching her body towards him. He had never seen anything more beautiful as she offered herself to him and his brown eyes flickered dark with his desire as his mouth descended on her once more. His lips trailed slowly over her collarbone, his tongue flicking and tasting her skin as his hands skimmed over the contours of her body. The silk material felt soft and cool against skin and he slowly pushed up the bottom hem.

That was when he was left momentarily confused as Stephanie stepped back from his embrace. His lips prickled with the taste of her and his hands reluctantly dropped to his side feeling empty without her.

But that emptiness was only fleeting as he felt her push him back towards the bed, his stomach pooling with his desire as he sat down with a bump. Stephanie stood in front of him watching him with heavy lidded eyes, her chest heaving with her ragged breathing as she lifted her nightdress pulling it over her head.

As the garment fell to the floor, her hair fell in waves over her shoulders and Paul felt breathless as he realised how truly beautiful she was. Her body was just incredible and as she stepped into the white moonlight, he swore his heart almost stopped.

"Come here." he said thickly as his hands slid around her thighs pulling her to him.

The world seemed to disappear as his mouth found hers once more and everything was forgotten as they lost themselves in one another and surrendered to the growing feelings that were consuming their hearts.